He says he's telling her tomorrow.

[pinkshoes]

I met my MM a year ago through work. I was engaged at the time, and he was about to be separated; he'd put down three months rent on an apartment and was set to move out, but never did because he and his wife decided to stay together to raise his child (his own father left when he was a toddler and to this day, they do not have a relationship).

 

Anyway, there was an instant attraction between us, but it was unspoken. I never said anything because I was engaged, and he never said anything because he was married. Last month, he finally told me that he's always been physically attracted to me, and I told him that I felt the same way. Around this time, my relationship with my fiance ended for unrelated reasons, and after that happened, my MM asked me to get coffee with him.

 

We've been seeing one another for three weeks, which I realize is not very long at all, but in spite of the quickness, we've already fallen in love (we were friends before, so we do know each other and it is not strictly infatuation). During this time, we've only had sex twice. We spend most of our time together talking. Recently, he's started being okay meeting me in public, even near where he lives with his wife. He does still get nervous about running into people he knows, but he also says that he's looking forward to going places with me and not worrying about being seen.

 

This brings me to where we are now: about a week ago, they got into a fight and he told her he was falling in love with someone else. After the fight, he did not bring it up again, because he told me he is serious about divorcing her and he does not want her to get really nasty with him when it comes to their child and custody arrangements. However, he has told her a number of times since then that he is unhappy and he thinks it is over. On Tuesday, he went to look at apartments, and he plans on telling her tomorrow on their drive back from her parents' place that he is going to move out. He told me that if everything goes well, he wants to be moved into a new place next week.

 

Before we got together, he was never anything less than honest about the state of his relationship, so why do I feel so nervous now? I feel like this is all too good to be true, but he keeps calling me and telling me how even though he's sad and regretful that he's leaving his life behind, and that he still loves his wife, he's really excited to be doing something he's needed to do for a long time. He's told me that even if I were to walk away now, he would still be leaving her, because he thinks that he and his wife both deserve to be happy, and he doesn't think they can be if they're still together.

 

I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here, except does anyone have any sort of experience with an MM actually following through (and so quickly!) with leaving his W? I'm trying not to think I'm being played here, because I've been burned by guys in the past, but I also know that this is an exceedingly complicated situation, and that he has ties to her that he does not have to me.

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse I could be wrong here...

 

Honestly, I think he's spun a web of deception so deep. I don't believe he's told his wife about you, about him falling inlove with another woman..IF he's actually told her this, (again, I could be wrong) MOST women would kick their husbands out asap. You say he does love her, and is regretful of leaving his life behind, his family life... He is TOTALLY contradicting himself without knowing it.

 

He has dug himself a hole. He's lying to her, lying to you, lying to himself.

 

If you want to see some kind of action, tell him 'goodbye' and tell him to contact you with proof of the D when it happens. Until then, break it off with him, otherwise you'll still be the OW come summertime and he'll still be married.

 

I have to say, seeing as he has a child, breaking up the family like this over the holidays is a really crappy thing to do, the timing sucks, something his kid will remember forever. So, that leads me think, what type of person busts up his family during the holidays? He thinks he may get screwed with support payment, custody, etc, he's certainly going about it the wrong way.. Think about it..

 

 

He is telling you all that you want to hear, but until his actions show otherwise, don't believe him or take him by his word. He's probably going to do nothing, which keeps him married and you the OW. Though he'll continue to lead you on, give you hope... Just enough hope to hang on so you won't walk away.

[pinkshoes]

I can't really contradict what you've said in response to him lying to me. I don't think he is, but of course, I don't know. I won't know until he either has his apartment or does not end up getting it. I've already told him that I will not continue like this, though.

 

From what I understand, his wife also wanted to see through their holiday commitments before they separate, which is why she didn't leave when he told her he was in love with someone else. He also said that her parents do not have a very good marriage, and that she seems to want to be married because it is "the right thing to do."

 

Re: the child-- his son is two, so he has told me that he wants to get divorced while his son is young so that the adjustment is easier to make.

 

Again, you could be totally right with what you are telling me, but these are the explanations I've gotten about the wife and the child.

[whichwayisup]

So basically you believe everything he's told you.. I know you probably can't conceive the idea that it's possible he's lying to you, not malicously, but selfishly.. Your heart, emotions won't allow it because you love him, trust him..

 

All you have his word. Can't really verify anything he says, that is, unless you talk to his wife. And it's not like you're going to call her up and ask her to confirm all he's told you..

[pinkshoes]

I know there's a possibility he's lying to me, or I wouldn't have posted this thread.

 

The thing that makes me believe he might be telling the truth is that I know about his past marital issues from when we were not embroiled in this affair.

 

I appreciate what you're telling me, because I think I do need to hear it.

[You'reasian]

I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here, except does anyone have any sort of experience with an MM actually following through (and so quickly!) with leaving his W? I'm trying not to think I'm being played here, because I've been burned by guys in the past, but I also know that this is an exceedingly complicated situation, and that he has ties to her that he does not have to me.

 

If you play with someone elses marriage, your bound to get burned. No offense. Stick with single, available guys.

[jennie-jennie]

I have read about two people, both married, who were communicating via internet. They went and spent a week together, went home, got divorced and have since then been living happily together. It does happen!

 

Also this is not the first time your MM has thought about leaving his wife. He only went back for the kid.

[jennie-jennie]

I know there's a possibility he's lying to me, or I wouldn't have posted this thread.

 

The thing that makes me believe he might be telling the truth is that I know about his past marital issues from when we were not embroiled in this affair.

 

I appreciate what you're telling me, because I think I do need to hear it.

 

I don't think you need to hear this kind of negativity. You will know very soon whether your MM is realizing his plans or not. You should not expose yourself to this kind of negativity if it turns out to be ungrounded, when you will know so soon anyway.

[pinkshoes]

Jennie, thank you. I really hope he goes through with it, not just for me, but because I think that they will both be happier in the long run if they part ways. I had parents who did not get along and were unhappy together, and my life was much better after they got divorced.

 

I can't say I'm not worried about whether or not he will tell her, but I know that he has told his mother about me, and when I told my mother about him and she got upset with me for what we are doing, he told me he wants to meet with her and talk to her about his intentions with me. I think that, at least, is a good sign.

[norajane]

I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here, except does anyone have any sort of experience with an MM actually following through (and so quickly!) with leaving his W? I'm trying not to think I'm being played here, because I've been burned by guys in the past, but I also know that this is an exceedingly complicated situation, and that he has ties to her that he does not have to me.

It is complicated, so you should be thinking about what you want out of this relationship, either way.

 

You started the affair a month ago when he had no plans to leave his wife. So do you want him to leave? Do you care if he stays with his wife?

 

If he follows through and really leaves, you should be prepared for the complications of dating a newly separated man with a young child who is nowhere near divorce. And if he doesn't follow through and says, no, I'm never leaving my wife, then he's made his choice and it should be easy for you to make your choice.

 

However, it would be unusual for him to be so decisive...

 

I've already told him that I will not continue like this, though.

What does "continue like this" mean?

 

If he doesn't leave, will you end the affair? You didn't have any plans to end the affair before he told you he would be leaving his wife, so do you intend to (really) end it and (really) not see him anymore if he stays with his wife? Are you determined enough to leave him if he doesn't move out next week?

 

I think the thing you really need to decide for yourself right now is what you will actually DO if he comes back and tells you "it's complicated" and he can't leave "just yet" and it will take "a while longer". That's the most likely scenario, and the most dangerous one for you because you will be tempted to take him at his word and hang on "a while longer" until you look up one day and realize it's Christmas again...

 

If he can't leave "just yet" what do you need him to do in order to accept that he's staying with her "for now" because "it's complicated" but will show you that he is taking action to leave and "a while longer" isn't some indefinite amount of vague time in the maybe future? Define what you need, whether that be at timeframe after which you will absolutely end the affair for your own sanity, or specific actions you need him to take. Don't just accept "a while longer" because you will be getting deeper and deeper "in love" and it will be harder to end things if he makes no move to actually DO anything to leave his wife.

 

Personally, I'd end things with him until he does actually leave. He has less incentive to leave if you accept him staying with his wife, regardless of why he's staying.

Edited December 26, 2009 by norajane

[bentnotbroken]

Jennie, thank you. I really hope he goes through with it, not just for me, but because I think that they will both be happier in the long run if they part ways. I had parents who did not get along and were unhappy together, and my life was much better after they got divorced.

 

I can't say I'm not worried about whether or not he will tell her, but I know that he has told his mother about me, and when I told my mother about him and she got upset with me for what we are doing, he told me he wants to meet with her and talk to her about his intentions with me. I think that, at least, is a good sign.

 

 

 

 

Nice of you to be so concerned for "both" of their well beings. I am sure his wife would personally like to thank you for your concern. Why don't you give her that opportunity? It's, in general, very much a part of the cheaters handbook. Specifically.................................

[sadintexas]

He's given you his own timeline which is to be "hopefully" moved into an apartment in a week or so. Give him a couple of weeks. If he waffles or tells you he needs more time, tell him to take all the time he needs. BUT you will not be with him and you will be moving on with your life while he takes his time. He can come find you when he's divorced.

 

The ONE thing you might have going for you right now is that, according to him, he wanted to leave before and you're not so entangled in this that he might be feeling the overwhelming guilt of leaving his wife "for someone else", leaving his child to "be with someone else". The longer this goes on, the more that guilt will build up and actually be a hinderance to what you want.

 

The longer you stay you show less and less respect for yourself (and who can respect someone who doesn't respect themselves?) and the harder you make it for you to walk and for HIM to walk away from you and his marriage. You don't ever want to be in the position where he wants and thinks he needs you both for whatever reasons.

 

IF after two weeks he hasn't walked, you walk and give him all the space he needs to figure it out. Just don't wait for him and don't ever give him the impression you will wait.

[fooled once]

Why can't you say to him "I don't want to be the reason you end your marriage. I will not be your exit affair. If you truly DO plan to leave your wife, that is a decision you need to make outside of any relationship we are building. With that in mind, I would prefer you to not contact me until you have gotten a divorce. I do not need the drama of being "the other woman". I do not want you to discuss this with my mother. She already has an issue with me seeing a married man. If you truly do care about me, you will not want me to have family issues NOR will you want me to be dragged into the drama of your divorce".

 

If your relationship is meant to be, it will be there AFTER he is divorced.

 

You say he meant to leave a year ago -- but didn't. What makes this time the real time? Because he will have you waiting in the wings to take the place of his wife? Do you think many he needs some 'alone' time to grieve his marriage ending? To maybe start to figure out his visitation schedule? To find himself so that he doesn't enter into another relationship only to have that one end because he rushed things?

 

You have only just started this ~ you really don't know him that well. You definitely don't know his wife and while I know you probably don't give a darn about her (since you decided to sleep with her husband); but you really only know the side of you he is showing you and most men - even single men - are on their best behavior for months with new relationships.

 

What harm would there be for you to ask him to not contact you again until he is divorced? In my thoughts, it will show, if he respects this, that he is serious about you and about any future relationship with you. Isn't that what you want - a man who isn't dragging you through his divorce and a man who cares about YOUR feelings and respects you?

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

most people wouldn't make the effort to go with the spouse to visit family (especially hers) if they are planning to divorce right away.

 

his actions tell you separate things than his words. why did he go? if he was dead serious about ending the M he wouldn't be spending the time and effort to pretend to have a happy M in front of family. he would have come up with an excuse - any excuse not to go.

[2sunny]

I know there's a possibility he's lying to me, or I wouldn't have posted this thread.

 

The thing that makes me believe he might be telling the truth is that I know about his past marital issues from when we were not embroiled in this affair.

 

I appreciate what you're telling me, because I think I do need to hear it.

 

from him? i think you are only hearing what he tells you - you want the whole truth - go ask his wife. since he's leaving her - he shouldn't have a problem with you getting her take on things. it would help you understand what kind of a person you expect to find happiness with in your future.

 

if he's not hiding anything - he shouldn't have an issue with you wanting to know.

[White Flower]

I met my MM a year ago through work. I was engaged at the time, and he was about to be separated; he'd put down three months rent on an apartment and was set to move out, but never did because he and his wife decided to stay together to raise his child (his own father left when he was a toddler and to this day, they do not have a relationship).

 

Anyway, there was an instant attraction between us, but it was unspoken. I never said anything because I was engaged, and he never said anything because he was married. Last month, he finally told me that he's always been physically attracted to me, and I told him that I felt the same way. Around this time, my relationship with my fiance ended for unrelated reasons, and after that happened, my MM asked me to get coffee with him.

 

We've been seeing one another for three weeks, which I realize is not very long at all, but in spite of the quickness, we've already fallen in love (we were friends before, so we do know each other and it is not strictly infatuation). During this time, we've only had sex twice. We spend most of our time together talking. Recently, he's started being okay meeting me in public, even near where he lives with his wife. He does still get nervous about running into people he knows, but he also says that he's looking forward to going places with me and not worrying about being seen.

 

This brings me to where we are now: about a week ago, they got into a fight and he told her he was falling in love with someone else. After the fight, he did not bring it up again, because he told me he is serious about divorcing her and he does not want her to get really nasty with him when it comes to their child and custody arrangements. However, he has told her a number of times since then that he is unhappy and he thinks it is over. On Tuesday, he went to look at apartments, and he plans on telling her tomorrow on their drive back from her parents' place that he is going to move out. He told me that if everything goes well, he wants to be moved into a new place next week.

 

Before we got together, he was never anything less than honest about the state of his relationship, so why do I feel so nervous now? I feel like this is all too good to be true, but he keeps calling me and telling me how even though he's sad and regretful that he's leaving his life behind, and that he still loves his wife, he's really excited to be doing something he's needed to do for a long time. He's told me that even if I were to walk away now, he would still be leaving her, because he thinks that he and his wife both deserve to be happy, and he doesn't think they can be if they're still together.

 

I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here, except does anyone have any sort of experience with an MM actually following through (and so quickly!) with leaving his W? I'm trying not to think I'm being played here, because I've been burned by guys in the past, but I also know that this is an exceedingly complicated situation, and that he has ties to her that he does not have to me.

Sounds like he is saying the right things. He says that they would have ended up D'd anyway and that you were not the cause of it. They were separated before and he stayed for the kid. I never once heard my MM say those things.

 

He could be snowing you, but so far I don't see it as the most obvious snow job.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If he is going to move, he needs to do it in such a way that your name does not come up AT ALL. Things are going to be bad enough as it is with him leaving the marriage, but you have no idea how nasty a situation like that can get when you throw an OP in the mix as part of the reason for leaving, particularly when kids are involved.

 

I've heard things like "you would put a piece of dick/pussy ahead of the well being of your OWN CHILD - what kind of PARENT ARE YOU", etc. My philandering parents - my father, the wife, the second wife, etc were all fantastic at emotional blackmail like that. They would use the kids as a way to manipulate the other person into doing what they wanted, and then hold it against them for a lifetime if things didn't go their way.

 

I'm not saying that his W would do that, but you never know. Few people are above doing something like that when desperate, and even fewer people on the way out are actually able to follow through when made to feel lower than dogsh*t for wanting to leave the marriage for someone else at their children's expense.

 

All I can say is brace yourself. It might end up being a bumpy ride for the next good while.

[moaningmyrtle]

It's been more than 24 hours now - did he tell her about you and that he was moving out?

 

If not "yes" to both then you have your answer now.

[jj33]

I couldnt agree with Fooled more. If he leaves, you are very clearly an exit affair. It doesnt mean it couldnt work out if he does leave, but noone decides to leave for someone that they have been involved with for 3 weeks. He is leaving for his own reasons and using you as a safe landing.

 

But that doesnt mean it wont work out. Its too soon to know. There are several ways of looking at it. You could say, it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship.

 

On the other hand you could say it puts no pressure on your relationship, he is leaving, its clearly not "for you" its that being with you has given him the courage or the motivation or whatever to make the break he didnt make last time.

 

If he leaves I hope it works out for you. The thing is you have no way of knowing. He could think he is leaving, speak to his wife and they could decide (again) to stay together. They could decide to stay for the child and then you may be asked to "understand" that he cant leave, hes doing what is best for his family but he loves you and wants to be with you anyway. Classic OW position.

 

Its all a matter of what you want. And he may leave, time will tell. I hope it works out for you.

[NoIDidn't]

This thread was started on the 26th. Today is the 29th. He should have told her by now.

[crystal_lostheart]

Please just be careful. My MM told me 3 times to the date when he was going to leave and each day came and passed. He left when I walked and then stupidly I took him back. All I have faced is heartache and pain. I resent him now. He is a selfish b**tard and I let him get away with it. 2 years later and I am trying to move on without him and it is hard...very hard. Why? When he treated me so poorly? I can't tell you why it's hard to move on. It should be easy to move on when you look at the way they behave.

 

Not saying your case is the same but put yourself first. These men are VERY smart at playing games. It is actually scary how most of them manipulate any situation to get what THEY want. Because it's all about them....

 

All the best and I hope you can move on happily for yourself first.

[jennie-jennie]

This thread was started on the 26th. Today is the 29th. He should have told her by now.

 

Perhaps he has. Perhaps that is why pinkshoes is not posting again. Perhaps she does not need us anymore.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I recommend you ignore the negativity about what he is or isn't being truthful about until you see what he actually does. Because if he IS telling the truth and you've built him up as some kind of heinous liar in your mind, it'll make opening up again really difficult and cause undue pain.

 

But for your own sake, I hope you have a deadline in your own mind as to how long you'll keep this up unless he makes some kind of forward movement, here.

[Sabrina2009]

Hi Pinkshoes -

 

Curious as to how your situation has played out over the last few weeks, as I'm facing something similar myself.