Hard To Understand

[pureinheart]

I have noticed a bit of frustration with some of the replies to posters asking for advice.

 

Most of the replies want to give the best advice possible, although they become frustrated later on when the poster is unable to make decisions concerning where the A/R is going or for better words...NC or continued C.

 

OMG these things are so hard, the OW/M and in some cases the BS....I will speak of the OW, but if this applies to the BS (if you are watching TBF, I am trying to save time, so from this point forward I will use BS to cover both male and female...k....not being disrespectful to you) then I would speak to BS's too...

 

The mixed messages that the OW/M are given on a sometimes daily basis are incredible....one day you feel like it's forever, the next you hear it's over now....the manipulations are unreal....one time exMM came over and was being real nice, the visit was unexpected and it started to sound like he was going to tell me he was getting a D (please keep in mind we were friends too....I did push for him to get a D, but not for the reasons some might think....I thought his W was the reason for all of the insanity and I really wanted to see him free, I really didn't think he and I would work for many reasons)....he was kissing my rear end to tell me he was going on vacation with his "family" for 11 days...I was pissed because he talked so much garbage....on and on...

 

These situations are complicated and confusing, especially for the MM/MW because of all of the lies they have to keep up with....it must be difficult remembering all of that mess. I couldn't do it....the W/H and OW/OM don't have to operate in so many lies, so this adds to the mind twisting used on OW/OM ....it's horrible what some have gone through.

 

Most don't know what to do, they've got time and heart invested and the MM keeps the OW thinking they have a future....I know this sounds so bad, but somehow these individuals are able to get the OW to think the M is already over, so in their minds the W doesnot exist, that the M was a farce to begin with...and I'm sure many BS's would confirm this.

 

For me, I hope I'm done with the lies and destruction, in my case exMM is now exBF....it would take a lot of changing on his part for me to even consider anything with him.

 

I've seen some well intentioned replies asking what does the OW want, one minute she says this, then the next that....please be patient as it really is about mind control, fear and deception....it takes a lot of encouragement to break this stuff.

 

I would not wish any of this garbage that we all have to deal with in this forum on anyone...

 

And please never say never (for some it will never happen). I chastised my friend for having an A....I mean I ripped her a new one....she was so gracious to my self-righteousness....one year later I found myself in this horrible emotional mess. There are times that if we lack compassion, we might have to go through the thing we lack compassion for....GBU all

[fooled once]

I have noticed a bit of frustration with some of the replies to posters asking for advice.

 

Most of the replies want to give the best advice possible, although they become frustrated later on when the poster is unable to make decisions concerning where the A/R is going or for better words...NC or continued C.

 

OMG these things are so hard, the OW/M and in some cases the BS....I will speak of the OW, but if this applies to the BS (if you are watching TBF, I am trying to save time, so from this point forward I will use BS to cover both male and female...k....not being disrespectful to you) then I would speak to BS's too...

 

The mixed messages that the OW/M are given on a sometimes daily basis are incredible....one day you feel like it's forever, the next you hear it's over now....the manipulations are unreal....one time exMM came over and was being real nice, the visit was unexpected and it started to sound like he was going to tell me he was getting a D (please keep in mind we were friends too....I did push for him to get a D, but not for the reasons some might think....I thought his W was the reason for all of the insanity and I really wanted to see him free, I really didn't think he and I would work for many reasons)....he was kissing my rear end to tell me he was going on vacation with his "family" for 11 days...I was pissed because he talked so much garbage....on and on...

 

These situations are complicated and confusing, especially for the MM/MW because of all of the lies they have to keep up with....it must be difficult remembering all of that mess. I couldn't do it....the W/H and OW/OM don't have to operate in so many lies, so this adds to the mind twisting used on OW/OM ....it's horrible what some have gone through.

 

Most don't know what to do, they've got time and heart invested and the MM keeps the OW thinking they have a future....I know this sounds so bad, but somehow these individuals are able to get the OW to think the M is already over, so in their minds the W doesnot exist, that the M was a farce to begin with...and I'm sure many BS's would confirm this.

 

For me, I hope I'm done with the lies and destruction, in my case exMM is now exBF....it would take a lot of changing on his part for me to even consider anything with him.

 

I've seen some well intentioned replies asking what does the OW want, one minute she says this, then the next that....please be patient as it really is about mind control, fear and deception....it takes a lot of encouragement to break this stuff.

 

I would not wish any of this garbage that we all have to deal with in this forum on anyone...

 

And please never say never (for some it will never happen). I chastised my friend for having an A....I mean I ripped her a new one....she was so gracious to my self-righteousness....one year later I found myself in this horrible emotional mess. There are times that if we lack compassion, we might have to go through the thing we lack compassion for....GBU all

 

There was a thread recently about "never say never" and there are many of us who truly CAN say we will never have an affair (the affair I was in was when I was single ~ I can without a doubt say I will never cheat on my H).

 

That aside, your post was very good! I saw a lot of the things I felt/went through when I was in my affair zillion years ago.

 

It is hard. The lies are hurtful (of course, during the A, I didn't realize they were lies. I do not believe he really loved me because if he did, he would have left his wife - they did not share kids together). I only discovered after 1.5 years that he wasn't being honest - especially when he called me one night to 'break up' and his wife was on the other extension. He called me the next morning crying because she 'made' him do that I thought "MAN UP for heaven's sake". I don't know what married cheaters go through as I haven't been in those shoes. I am guessing they have internal struggles if they really DO have feelings for the affair partner. But I do believe the majority of them lie about the status of their marriage, the lack of sex in their marriage, the lack of feeling from their spouse, the lack of relationship with their spouse.

 

I can't see that many affair partners would stick around if the married cheater told them how much in love their were with their spouse, the incredible amazing hot sex they have with their spouse and the overall good health of the marriage. They need to exaggerate the issues/problems in the marriage and also make the spouse out to be a bad marriage partner/person.

 

This is why I advocate NOT getting involved with a married person in the first place if you (general you) are expecting a relationship outside of sex. If you are just in it for sex ~ while I still think it is wrong, it is 'better' than expecting a relationship or future.

 

I also think it is very hurtful and unfair to expose a spouse to a potential STD or unexpected hurt and anguish.

 

But we each have to be able to look in the mirror and like the person we see. Yes, we all make mistakes, but if you know you are making a mistake and continue on, that isn't a mistake. That is intentional hurting.

 

Just MY thoughts....