mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 This was the first christmas that ive spent in 3 years without MM as part of my life. I'm surprised that this is the first year that we werent "in love" but also the first year that I didnt spend the day beside myself missing him. Funny, when we were in the A i would be sad on christmas, going through the motions with my H and family, secretly wishing I could spend it with him. But this year was different. I thought about him once or twice, because the holiday brings back memories, but didnt spend the day missing him or longing to hear his voice. I'm surprised by this to say the least...i missed him more when he was in my life than i miss him now that hes gone. How did everyone else do with today? Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Long.. it was long, it still is long.. i keep trying to sleep and can't, have to work in the morning... Christmas sucks, but no worse this year than all the others that have come before it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I too have had a very rough time the past 24-48 hours. MM is ALWAYS in my thoughts, and I have to consciously stop myself from thinking of him so I don't rob my family the Christmas they deserve. This is my 3rd Christmas without him, and this year has by far been the hardest. I think it's because I feel we are at a turning point - or at least I am - so it's making me much more emotional. Bah... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 26, 2009 Author Share Posted December 26, 2009 I'm very sorry to hear that girls. but im still in shock that this one was by far better without being in the affair with him. im confused by this, dont know what to make of it. maybe there is some truth in this NC mess that i normally say phooey on. Link to post Share on other sites
Shouldacouldawoulda Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I think if I could go NC, maybe it would give me that added strength and boost in my own self-worth that I may feel better at holidays also. Maybe that's why it was better for you, because you finally realized you could be strong and you weren't tied up in the chaos of it all. For whatever reason, I'm glad this year was better for you, and hopefully each special day and each plain old ordinary day will continue to get better for you also! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Hey thanks for asking...it was good...we had our Christmas last night and it was very busy...as far as exMM/exBF I did not miss him all that much...so tired of games and the unwillingness to commit to something...."come closer, go away" is what I've gotten from him for several years now. Have been spending the last month or so in NC and it has been hard, like withdrawing from a drug. I feel like he has stolen too much from me already, the stress I've been under shows, but God said He would restore me and I would be better than ever. I started taking down the Christmas decorations last night after the party....I want to get started with my new life ASAP. It's been hard to realise that this man has no clue as to what real love is and that is sad...he told me early on that 3 days adfter getting M he cheated on his W...why I fell for him I do not quite understand, ya we had fun at times, although he is like way not my type. This forum has really helped me a lot...in more ways than one....I see that I do not take garbage anymore at all and have been able to release a lot of junk from exBF. We all must look forward to a new life in this New Year...this will be a good year for all of us....the worst is over and the best is yet to come! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Exhausting, but brilliant! H's family came and stayed over, with his kids (and one of mine who is out visiting) so we had a really full house! The xW tried to spoil things, of course - but it simply showed up to everyone how selfish and awful she is, and things turned out really well in the end anyway, so we soon banished her from our thoughts. It was our second christmas as a full-time couple, hosting his family, and our first as a M couple. We have a house full of cards addressed to "mr & mrs" which my H displayed very proudly, and we had a very full social calendar despite being snowed in for days, with all the invitations from our various neighbours (who never used to invite him and his xW when they lived her). H's mother kept hugging me and telling me, "we're so lucky to have you" and it really did feel magical, warm and wonderful. Not all As end badly... Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless4u Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I've had family staying over for the last few days (xH and his parents). My son has had a fantastic Christmas and my xH and his parents said it was the best they've had in yrs!!(they don't know what has been going on). I put a brave face on, drank lots of wine and picked at my dinner. xMM never left my mind. Its just torture!! When they left I sobbed for hours and again the tears just keep coming. I just want it to stop but I can't figure out how. Everything reminds me of him. I just feel lost, numb and worthless. Link to post Share on other sites
MizFit Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I'd had him with me, but there you go. He's technically my xMM although he's broken NC and scouting around as to what's there. I miss him like crazy, but the day went well. I had the morning with my son and a houseful for dinner...everyone left about 5 and my son set off for Guildford at 7. When he left I felt very alone...having said that xMM was working last night so we had a long chat in the night, exchanged some emails, another long chat in the early hours. I'm thrilled for you MBEG...well done for the ground you've gained. FA and others who have struggled ((hugs))... Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 Pretty awful. Haven't been sleeping well, napping a lot during the day, or at least trying to. Still swinging between rage and sadness. I miss him, or rather, who I wanted him to be. I hope my kids forget he ever existed. It's so hard when they ask about him. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I've had family staying over for the last few days (xH and his parents). My son has had a fantastic Christmas and my xH and his parents said it was the best they've had in yrs!!(they don't know what has been going on). I put a brave face on, drank lots of wine and picked at my dinner. xMM never left my mind. Its just torture!! When they left I sobbed for hours and again the tears just keep coming. I just want it to stop but I can't figure out how. Everything reminds me of him. I just feel lost, numb and worthless. (((((((((((hugggggs))))))))))))) I am so sorry and for the replies after yours....I'm just too numb to feel anything.... ((((((((((((hugggggs))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) thanks, but i dont see that ive gained much ground at all. i just view things differently. the pain is not as raw anymore. i do remember a few weeks back reading about people grieving the A for a year or so and feeling just so overwhelmed that i couldnt think straight. i pictured myself in this agony for a year. but the pain lessens, shifts, changes. im now used to not seeing him or talking to him. i guess the realization that we dont communicate anymore was enough for me to be able to be ok on christmas. i knew he wouldnt call or contact me so i didnt wonder if it would happen. i knew he would be with his family so i wasnt sad thinking about what he was doing. today is a little harder. ive actually stepped away from both xmm and my H at the same time to figure things out. i too, feel very very numb. its what i needed though to work through my thoughts. i have also come to the confident decision that in the end things will somehow work out the way theyre meant to. i cannot force my feelings for my H - i can simply try as hard as i can. i cannot force no feelings for xmm - i can simply hope they fade with time and redirect my focus elsewhere. its brought peace, this just going with it instead of trying to make things be a certain way. as far as xmm. well things have changed there too. at first i wanted him back in the A role. now i know we could never again be under those circumstances. i never wanted him as a H so that changes my view on things. and it seems to look like things are ending with him and his W. hes mentioned to me that he doesnt know how things will turn out, that he has strong feelings we will be together. big eye opener for him (although i didnt tell him) i wont be there. i dont want him and could never forgive him. so maybe numb is the word for it all, but at least its not pain. im making it and thats all i can ask for. today i realized that i cannot recall when the tears stopped, but they have. its much further than i could have pictured a few months ago. Edited December 27, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl Link to post Share on other sites
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