After the Affair

[fooled once]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

 

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

[Shouldacouldawoulda]

Still in the A, but if she called I would accept and answer questions. I have nothing to hide. It's MM who has things to hide from her not me. I don't make the phone call now because, by the same token, I have no allegiance to her. The only way I think I would ever talk to her is if she somehow found out on her own and came to me. I would think that she would need to get most of her answers from him though.

[Fallen Angel]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

 

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

 

I have already told My MM that if his wife were to contact me, I would direct her to talk to him.

 

If she contacted me a second time, i would be honest with her. It is not my place to lie to her, it is not my place to lie FOR him. And I am not a liar by nature, and therefore suck at it anyway. Since I fail so miserably at lying, I have found it to be the best policy in my life, to always be as honest as possible.

 

I am sure I would find it difficult to speak with her, and I would probably not offer up all the gory details, but I would try to answer her questions as honestly as possible.

 

I told him that since this is the case, when/if another D-day occurs or she just finally has enough and flips out (since it is not as though I am a huge secret) that if he choses to lie to her about me and our relationship, it will be in his best interest to keep her from making contact with me. *shrug*

 

That being said, he hasn't stoped using his personal cell phone to talk to me for hours a day, or to call or text me in the middle of the night, and as his huge phone bills are a point of contention between them regularly, I would assume that she already has my phone number written down somewhere....

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I am currently expecting a phone call from her any day now.

 

I think i will answer. Ive talked to her before but when were were only friends and she was uncomfortable with it. at that point in time i lied to her about the extent of our friendship and i have serious remorse for this. i think i will tell her that im sorry that i lied to her in the past, that i covered for him because i cared for him and that i should not have done those things.

 

i wrote this on another thread today but im not sure if i will disclose the information she is looking for or not. im on the fence.

 

i struggle a little and hold a tiny bit of animosity because as friends she shifted all the blame on me. like he was being my friend and talking to me about my life but never talking to me about his. i had to point out to her that the friendship went both ways. we wouldnt have been that close if it wasnt benefiting him as well. in fact, he was always the one who called me and came to me with his issues, never the other way around. he pursued me. but still she saw it as me pressuring him. i think she may have seen it after i pointed it out as a mutual relationship.

 

so i suspect she will place all of the blame of the affair onto me, not him. and i would find it hard not to tell her how much he claimed to love me and chase me etc.

 

on one hand i would love to throw him under the bus as he did to me, but the only thing that would do would be to hurt her further as then she would have to realize that he is still lying to her. at the same time i would also be betraying his trust and even though he did it to me i cannot do that to him.

 

Why? im not sure. it certainly could be because i dont want to ruin how he thinks of me or any chance of him one day coming back. but i dont feel that way when i think about it, as after what hes done i want nothing to do with him at this point.

 

i think its because i just dont want to be involved in this mess anymore. ive decided if theres a question she asks where i would be coming in the middle and exposing something that i will say "you need to ask your husband this question, not me, im not comfortable discussing that with you."

 

hopefully that will give her a "hint" that theres more to this story so she can discuss it with him, while allowing me not to be the one to spill the beans.

 

i dont know. anyone have advice on how to handle this???

[fooled once]

I have already told My MM that if his wife were to contact me, I would direct her to talk to him.

 

If she contacted me a second time, i would be honest with her. It is not my place to lie to her, it is not my place to lie FOR him. And I am not a liar by nature, and therefore suck at it anyway. Since I fail so miserably at lying, I have found it to be the best policy in my life, to always be as honest as possible.

 

I am sure I would find it difficult to speak with her, and I would probably not offer up all the gory details, but I would try to answer her questions as honestly as possible.

 

I told him that since this is the case, when/if another D-day occurs or she just finally has enough and flips out (since it is not as though I am a huge secret) that if he choses to lie to her about me and our relationship, it will be in his best interest to keep her from making contact with me. *shrug*

 

That being said, he hasn't stoped using his personal cell phone to talk to me for hours a day, or to call or text me in the middle of the night, and as his huge phone bills are a point of contention between them regularly, I would assume that she already has my phone number written down somewhere....

 

Okay, I am confused.... why is his cell bill huge? Are you long distance? Does he not have free long distance? Do you mean huge because he has gone over his minutes?

 

FA (((hug)) I really wish he would release you so you can find love with someone else. I know you aren't ready, but I hope 2010 brings you strength.

 

Did you ever get phone numbers and go on a date??

 

Thanks for answering my questions ((hug))

[fooled once]

I am currently expecting a phone call from her any day now.

 

I think i will answer. Ive talked to her before but when were were only friends and she was uncomfortable with it. at that point in time i lied to her about the extent of our friendship and i have serious remorse for this. i think i will tell her that im sorry that i lied to her in the past, that i covered for him because i cared for him and that i should not have done those things.

 

i wrote this on another thread today but im not sure if i will disclose the information she is looking for or not. im on the fence.

 

i struggle a little and hold a tiny bit of animosity because as friends she shifted all the blame on me. like he was being my friend and talking to me about my life but never talking to me about his. i had to point out to her that the friendship went both ways. we wouldnt have been that close if it wasnt benefiting him as well. in fact, he was always the one who called me and came to me with his issues, never the other way around. he pursued me. but still she saw it as me pressuring him. i think she may have seen it after i pointed it out as a mutual relationship.

 

so i suspect she will place all of the blame of the affair onto me, not him. and i would find it hard not to tell her how much he claimed to love me and chase me etc.

 

on one hand i would love to throw him under the bus as he did to me, but the only thing that would do would be to hurt her further as then she would have to realize that he is still lying to her. at the same time i would also be betraying his trust and even though he did it to me i cannot do that to him.

 

Why? im not sure. it certainly could be because i dont want to ruin how he thinks of me or any chance of him one day coming back. but i dont feel that way when i think about it, as after what hes done i want nothing to do with him at this point.

 

i think its because i just dont want to be involved in this mess anymore. ive decided if theres a question she asks where i would be coming in the middle and exposing something that i will say "you need to ask your husband this question, not me, im not comfortable discussing that with you."

 

hopefully that will give her a "hint" that theres more to this story so she can discuss it with him, while allowing me not to be the one to spill the beans.

 

i dont know. anyone have advice on how to handle this???

 

MBEG, it was because of your response on another thread that this question came to my mind

 

I was curious as to why you wouldn't "throw him under the bus". Why do you think you owe him trust? Why are you still thinking in those terms?

 

Telling her to ask her husband -- both you and FA have said this -- I don't mean this sarcastically, but don't you think she has and don't you think that is why she is calling you? Because she wants more of the truth vs his spin on things.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

hmm. i dont think i owe him anything. nothing at all. but for me, even though he didnt treat me the same i have this sense that i just couldnt throw him under the bus. i would not lie or cover or defend him either.

 

the way i see it the affair is over. but that doesnt change that he once was a good friend of mine and i dont want to be responsible for causing more issues in his life. i wish to be indifferent when it comes to him and their relationship. i dont want to take sides, i just want out of it.

 

i also think that what info i have shouldnt matter. if you choose to stay or leave then thats your choice. the details arent important in the big scheme of things.

 

you bring up an interesting point. so if i tell her to ask him, and then she tells me she already has....that changes things a bit. i might be more inclined to speak up if this is the case.

 

i think she wants to call me to tell me how much ive hurt her. if thats the case, i will openly speak. i did hurt her, i would more than anything welcome the chance to apologize to her as a woman, mother, person. but i will only talk about what ive done to her. i cannot speak for her husband, and i will not accept the majority of the blame when he is just as guilty as i am.

[alg24]

The first time the BS texted messaged me I ignored the text message... When MM and I broke things off I contacted her and tried to be as "polite" as possible in letting her know that I was given a permanent STD from her H. (She told me she had not slept with him in a long time and does not have any STDS-- had been tested in the last year? I would never wish any harm to her health)

 

Later on when she contacted me again I actually called her (I didn't like going back and forth with text message-- things can be misread) She answered the phone and we talked for about thirty minutes. By this time they had been separated for over 6 months and she knew about the A... She had questions an I was honest with her. She was very calm and actually very kind and diplomatic towards me. She viewed us as both victims of the lies, pain, and abuse. I apologized, told her that I was fed various lies-- but that was not an excuse, and sorry was never good enough. I was beyond grateful for her kindness and wisdom.

 

In my opinion when signing up for a A-- going into it you know what you are getting yourself into. In some respects you have no right to "betray" the "trust" of the A partner and go running to the BS when your feeling hurt. (I don't know if I worded that properly) On the same token if the BS contacted me (which she did) woman to woman I was honest. I did not want to hurt her. I did not want to mention the gory details, tell her what intimate/passionate things he told me, but I was honest.

 

You can view it this way. If you were the BS would you contact the OW? Would you hope the OW answered honestly?

 

After the BS and I traded text messages I truly thought it was over with MM and I. I let him know I traded words with her though. Well after the information/truth was exchanged the A still wasn't over for MM and I got sucked back in...

 

What I did learn in my A was that the BS was truly a diplomatic and kind woman. She did not deserve the betray and pain. I have a lot of guilt. In engaging in this A I was young (no excuse) and told MANY lies/promises, but I would never ever have relations with a MM again. But don't believe the excuses a MM gives you. Yes the BS of MM started denying him sex once she caught onto the A, but beforehand she was a hardworking woman that was everything for her family. (I saw all of this after having a conversation with her) Anyway, honesty is the best policy.

 

You should not try to protect your MM. Help him lie so he can continue in his marriage and once things cool off the A between the OW and MM and can continue? Not worth it! Just remember how much pain your MM puts you through you should never take it out of on the BS-- she did not hurt you (I learned this) And try to imagine the pain she feels.

[Fallen Angel]

Okay, I am confused.... why is his cell bill huge? Are you long distance? Does he not have free long distance? Do you mean huge because he has gone over his minutes?

 

FA (((hug)) I really wish he would release you so you can find love with someone else. I know you aren't ready, but I hope 2010 brings you strength.

 

Did you ever get phone numbers and go on a date??

 

Thanks for answering my questions ((hug))

 

His cell bill is huge because his job takes him all over our "region" (The eastern coast/southern states) and he often gets hit with roaming charges. (If I was the one picking his phone plan it wouldn't be an issue *shrug*) He also goes well over his minutes every month.

 

We often talk several hours a day, even on days when he is spending the night with me, he will call me as soon as he pulls out of my driveway.. talk for the 45 minute drive to his 'shop' then call me again when he leaves the shop, until he gets to the job site (another 30 mins) then again any small breaks he takes... 10 mins here, 15 there throughout the day... then the ride back to the shop, then the ride back to my door... so you can imagine what it is like when he is 'out of town' and he is not going to be spending the night sitting next to me... the phone calls then often run several hours in one sitting....

 

He told her about a year ago to add my number to his calling 'circle'. She did, for one month.. the next month I was out of the 'circle' again... my guess would be that when I am in the 'circle' it doesn't log all the call times, so she didn't have a hard copy of our talk time to see.

 

I have given and recieved a few phone numbers, but no dates yet... still.. it is coming up on a new year, and I will NOT be alone New Years Eve.. even if it means just me and a few girlfriends going out and hitting the bars for a few hours... and getting pleasantly drunk.... but I will not sit alone the whole time pining for him... he knows where I am if he wants me..

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting, my MM just posed this very question to me. I had to think before answering. Finally I told him, if he wanted me to speak to her I would, if he did not want it I would not. However, I do feel it is his responsibility to give the details of the EMR, my only responsibility would be to reveal information about my feelings towards MM and other relevant personal information about me. Not because I expect my MM to lie or withhold information, but because I do not want to be the one to hurt her with details of the EMR.

Edited December 26, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[jwi71]

Interesting, my MM just posed this very question to me. I had to think before answering. Finally I told him, if he wanted me to speak to her I would, if he did not want it I would not. However, I do feel it is his responsibility to give the details of the EMR, my only responsibility would be to reveal information about my feelings towards MM and other relevant personal information about me. Not because I expect my MM to lie or withhold information, but because I do not want to be the one to hurt her with details of the EMR.

 

I'm sorry JJ...but you and your MM are discussing "after the A"?

 

I know - well think - you are seeing this as a hopeful sign but I do not.

 

You, I think, interpret it as another step by him to be with you full time. However, were that his intention, you wouldn't NEED to speak to the BS. No explanations would be necessary...he would "be" with you and it would be clear to all. No conversation would be necessary.

 

Why would she talk to you when her stbxh is moving in with you? See where I'm coming from?

[Lizzie60]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

 

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

 

Nope.. I would not accept her call..

It's not my style to kiss and tell.. unless the guy has been a real jerk to me... which is not the case right now with any of them..

I am not holding out any hopes as I don,t want a man in my life right now... maybe later..

[OWoman]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

Any A I have been in ended because I ended it - so no, I wouldn't be holding out hope that their M would end... I wouldn't care either way. I'd be over it, moved on - chances are I wouldn't even remember *him*, let alone have a clue who she was

 

But no, I certainly would not take her call - like Lizzie, I consider kissing and telling very tacky. If she wants to get her thrills that way she can dial a sex line. My private life is my own.

[Spoiled]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

 

I did speak with the BS and I did not tell all. Why? Because I am also M. We left out many details regarding our sexual experience. Many state that the BS should know everything but there were some details I just did not feel were necessary. How we role played, made love in a hot tub, fulfilled fantasies, and our verbal comments with those experiences would have been more hurtful than helpful. Maybe I am wrong and maybe that's why I am struggling to reconnect with my H.

 

I am not holding hope that we will ever be together because we would both have to leave our families.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm sorry JJ...but you and your MM are discussing "after the A"?

 

I know - well think - you are seeing this as a hopeful sign but I do not.

 

You, I think, interpret it as another step by him to be with you full time. However, were that his intention, you wouldn't NEED to speak to the BS. No explanations would be necessary...he would "be" with you and it would be clear to all. No conversation would be necessary.

 

Why would she talk to you when her stbxh is moving in with you? See where I'm coming from?

 

You are coming from your own interpretation of what you believe to be my circumstances.

 

My MM and I are discussing revealing the affair, that he has decided not to keep it a secret forever whatever happens in the future. Perhaps it was inappropriate of me to answer a thread with the title "After the affair". The subject matter of speaking to the spouse interested me however. I believe many OW have been contacted by the spouse after Dday whether or not the affair continues on.

[Spoiled]

His cell bill is huge because his job takes him all over our "region" (The eastern coast/southern states) and he often gets hit with roaming charges. (If I was the one picking his phone plan it wouldn't be an issue *shrug*) He also goes well over his minutes every month.

 

We often talk several hours a day, even on days when he is spending the night with me, he will call me as soon as he pulls out of my driveway.. talk for the 45 minute drive to his 'shop' then call me again when he leaves the shop, until he gets to the job site (another 30 mins) then again any small breaks he takes... 10 mins here, 15 there throughout the day... then the ride back to the shop, then the ride back to my door... so you can imagine what it is like when he is 'out of town' and he is not going to be spending the night sitting next to me... the phone calls then often run several hours in one sitting....

 

He told her about a year ago to add my number to his calling 'circle'. She did, for one month.. the next month I was out of the 'circle' again... my guess would be that when I am in the 'circle' it doesn't log all the call times, so she didn't have a hard copy of our talk time to see.

 

I have given and recieved a few phone numbers, but no dates yet... still.. it is coming up on a new year, and I will NOT be alone New Years Eve.. even if it means just me and a few girlfriends going out and hitting the bars for a few hours... and getting pleasantly drunk.... but I will not sit alone the whole time pining for him... he knows where I am if he wants me..

 

Off topic and I apologize but this was funny to me. My xMM's number was listed as my favorites under my best friend's name. Called my cell company with a question and the customer service rep was laughing, "your fave list is interesting." Same names, different area codes, different numbers.

 

My xMM's W called me a few times after our conversation and I refused to talk to her. I understood her anger but I was not having a conversation with someone yelling and treating me like a child. My H spoke with her and told her to stop calling me and to get any other info from her H.

[jennie-jennie]

We often talk several hours a day, even on days when he is spending the night with me, he will call me as soon as he pulls out of my driveway.. talk for the 45 minute drive to his 'shop' then call me again when he leaves the shop, until he gets to the job site (another 30 mins) then again any small breaks he takes... 10 mins here, 15 there throughout the day... then the ride back to the shop, then the ride back to my door... so you can imagine what it is like when he is 'out of town' and he is not going to be spending the night sitting next to me... the phone calls then often run several hours in one sitting....

 

Interesting to see someone with the same telephoning pattern as MM and I have!

[jennie-jennie]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

 

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

 

Long ago when I was young I had a fling with a SO, the SO of someone else. The BS called me and wanted to come and talk to me. I told her sure, I will meet you, I am having fun with your man but I really am not that interested, but I see no reason to change my behaviour. (Something like that, it is difficult to remember now decades later.) She never came, she called and canceled. I think she realized I was unrepentant, and her talking to me would make no difference. Our affair ended soon thereafter, I ended it, because I was not into him. I would have talked to her however, and honestly answered her questions. I just don't lie.

Edited December 26, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[SoulSearch_CO]

The 2 MM I've been involved with were legally separated from their Ws and planning divorce. But it seems everyone around me considered them affairs. So I'll answer from that viewpoint (because I know at least the first MM, his W considered me the OW in spite of the ensuing divorce...she had herself convinced that I caused it).

 

I am actually in total agreement with Lizzie and OWoman about kiss-and-tell. I think it's really inappropriate to reveal the details of an intimate relationship with a third party with really no purpose other than to cause more pain. So if the W called me, I would be polite, but DETAILS would be scant. I don't think it's my place to reveal that kind of stuff.

[skylarblue]

My MM and I have talked about what to do if his W contacts me during the A. He told me to deny even knowing him and then call him immediately. So that’s what I’ll do.

After the A, under normal circumstances I’d do the same (lie) no matter how many times she calls. I’ve thought about it before , what if she calls me crying and heartbroken and vulnerable and just want some honest answers for once, would I be able to lie to her. Most likely, but I think I’d be a little upset to be put in that position, and I don’t think I’d feel very good about doing it. I’ve also thought what if the A ended because I discovered my MM had OOW and had been lying to me the whole time. Would I be honest with the W then? I’m not sure. There’s a chance I would honestly answer her (not vindictively), but from anger towards him. In general, I can’t see me betraying my MM’s trust. Most likely I’d be too shock to say anything if I ever picked up the phone and she was on the other end of it.

[Hazyhead]

I like to think that if I was contacted by MM's wife I would tell the truth. But, I think there are certain things that I would tell her she is better hearing from him (or not hearing at all). There is also the (large) part of me that still feels loyalty towards him and I think that if I could I would try to let him know she is contacting me, but I would also tell him that I would prefer to be honest. I admire the women that have been contacted and have been as honest but still as gentle as possible - that's how I would like to be.

[sadintexas]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call? Yes

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it? Yes

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back? No

 

 

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

 

When I was a BS, I called the OW. She was very respectful and gave me info I needed to know I wasn't crazy. My then H was simply denying everything (as he always did) and talking to this OW was the first time I was able to prove anything. It was very validating.

 

So all in all, talking to the OW was very helpful to me. I would do the same if xMM's W called me and asked questions. If anything, she's calling me to get info that she doesn't have. If honest dialogue can help her either decide to leave, validate her, or help her see what they can do to improve things in their M, I'm all for it.

 

When I was in the A with xMM, I don't know that my motivation to talk to her would have been as genuine and without pushing my own agenda. Having been the BS prior to being an OW, you'd think I wouldn't lose sight of all that, but I did. I feel like I finally have my head back on straight now. Thank goodness.

[hopeless4u]

if the betrayed spouse called you .... would you accept the call?

 

if she wanted to hear your side...... would you tell it?

 

If not, why?

 

Are you holding out hope that the marriage ends and the MM/MW wants you back?

 

 

 

**This question comes from reading a couple posts regarding the betrayed spouse calling and various reactions to it.**

 

I did speak to her eventually. At first I ignored her calls, initially through shock I think but once I'd got my head around things I wanted him to tell her the truth.

He didn't until I said I'd answer her questions, he knew I wouldn't lie so he was forced to come clean.

I think the conversation helped both of us (me and W) get some sort of closure and she said that she thought we had both been fooled for the last 2 yrs.