Its Made me Bitter

[jj33]

Its been a long time since my A ended and after much drama, I rarely have to communicate with xMM now which is for the best.

 

I am saddened by the fact that the whole experience has changed me, and not for the better. I am bitter. I am hardened, I am cynical and jaded. I used to have a hard shell but was soft inside, but now I am hard all around and its not a positive development.

 

I dont know how to get past that. I accept that the A is the past, but I have not been able to find a good way of moving forward.

 

Any suggestions?

[phoenixrising]

Hi JJ... I wish I had the answer. I am feeling the same way, wondering when my bitterness over the whole thing will go away. I am very wary of men at this point. I've never been this way before.

[bentnotbroken]

What do you think are missing? What do you think would soften the tough shell?

[GreenEyedLady]

((HUGS))

 

Maybe you just have to look at it differently. You learned a valuable, painful lesson. You don't want to repeat it, so you close your heart off so you won't get hurt again.

 

If you miss the person you used to be pre-A, then maybe you should look at it like this and see if it helps:

 

You loved a man very much who hurt you and it didn't work out. Appreciate whatever it was that kept you in the R for so long and then embrace the future. A future that you write.

 

Be mindful when you're feeling bitter and cynical and honestly I think that just you being aware that you're being that way, well help you self-check. And I don't know that you're bitter. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves and maybe that's the feeling that you're getting.

 

Just don't close yourself off too much so that you miss something wonderful.

 

GEL

[pureinheart]

Its been a long time since my A ended and after much drama, I rarely have to communicate with xMM now which is for the best.

 

I am saddened by the fact that the whole experience has changed me, and not for the better. I am bitter. I am hardened, I am cynical and jaded. I used to have a hard shell but was soft inside, but now I am hard all around and its not a positive development.

 

I dont know how to get past that. I accept that the A is the past, but I have not been able to find a good way of moving forward.

 

Any suggestions?

 

I can totally relate....did you have any traumatic experiences prior to your R with MM? Was it unusual that you got into a R with this man in the first place?

 

I am asking these questions for a reason....one thing is for certain, this R has traumatized you based on the "drama" and bitterness. If you had recently been traumatized prior to the R, this compounded it and the person you thought would be there for you is not.

 

I had several traumatic experiences prior to an EA with exMM...my H had been cheating on me severely (almost every M or relationship the break up was due to cheating), on one of his little "adventures" he went UA from the USMC and left me stuck in Virginia and I was 10min away from the Pentegon during 9/11....I lost my mom 6 mo after that and several other smaller incidents.....I think MM saw me coming bigtime...

 

I got called back to my former job and ended up in the same dept and my supervisor put me working with MM, prior to that he had chased me bigtime....well now I'm traumatized and he acts like the knight in shinning armour if you catch my drift.

 

I am bitter because after much research, I think he knew exactly what he was doing...he communicated constantly both verbal and non verbal hatred of his M and her indifference with him, basically stating that the M was over, although would throw in he hated D....mixed signals all of the time.

 

He appeared to be so very sincere, stating she has always threatened to leave him....well ya, I mean duhhhh, God only knows how many others there were before me. With me dealing with post traumtic sydrome and not knowing it I was very vulnerable and he knew it.

 

I am not angry that we did not get together (even after his W left him, we were in NC and when they split he contacted me), I am angry because of the lies and the fact that he knew exactly what he was doing.

 

I know this might sound paranoid and weird, but as God as my witness it is the truth and I am only touching briefly concerning the amount of lies and deception, not to meantion the severe drama from him and his distorted bunch.

 

A friend of mine made a comment to me, stating , "I hope you are not ruined after him"....I was shocked at this comment, but he was wiser than he knows...I am different, and I do not trust like I used to and am always looking for an "angle" in others....

 

The damage this man did to me is incredible....I am in NC again and this last Sunday in the wee hours of the morning I had a nightmare that he was watching me and driving by on his motorcycle...this awoke me suddenly and I got up and tried to shake it off, although about 6hrs later he drove by on his motorcycle, exactly the way I saw it in my dream (nightmare)....I am very creeped out by the way.

 

I have been getting counceling for awhile now...if you can, go for it...

 

Forgive him, and all that he did to you.....do this for you, not for him...by walking in unforgiveness you are hurting you as he could care less. Forgiveness releases him, and frees you from him. He owes you nothing, he does not owe anyone anything, although he will have to answer to God and does owe God.

 

Now that I have been to counceling, this time because of exMM/exBF, I know I would not have gotten into a R with him had I not been traumatized prior, I would have seen him coming and prior to 9/11 wanted nothing to do with him.

[White Flower]

Its been a long time since my A ended and after much drama, I rarely have to communicate with xMM now which is for the best.

 

I am saddened by the fact that the whole experience has changed me, and not for the better. I am bitter. I am hardened, I am cynical and jaded. I used to have a hard shell but was soft inside, but now I am hard all around and its not a positive development.

 

I dont know how to get past that. I accept that the A is the past, but I have not been able to find a good way of moving forward.

 

Any suggestions?

I would suggest opening yourself up to dating. Get out there and try to enjoy yourself. Trust me, I know it's hard especially when you found a chemistry like none other, but do try. You'll never know what you'll find.

[sugarmomma]

JJ, your heart has become hardened due to being hurt and betrayed. I can totally relate and the only thing that helped me was to drop the charges so to speak and forgive everyone involved, even myself. Forgive yourself most of all since there is a lot of shame attached to ow's in affairs. Forgive him for all the hurt he caused and know that as humans we can be extremely selfish.

 

I can't explain the freedom I felt when my heart opened up to the possibility of finding something true and real. I also work on becoming the kind of person I want to attract. If I say all men cheat, I will attract that energy and bring it to me and become paranoid about men. So I just try to take my time and watch a man's character and make a decision based on how kind and honest he is.

 

Good Luck.

[pureinheart]

Hi JJ,

 

My last reply has such an angry self-centered overtone and I am really sorry about that...in fact most of my replies do and that changes tonight.

 

It does take time to heal, although in the healing process try to think of every good thing in your life.

 

Be kind to yourself

Know that he is not the only fish in the sea

Know that you are worth the very best

Know that not having a man is ok

Know that there are many men that are looking for a good, great person like you

Know that the worst is over and the best is yet to come

Know that a good man will find you, and you do not have to do anything

Know that you were not put on this earth to be used and abused, but to be cherished and loved

Know that all good things come to those that wait

 

I speak nothing but good things over you and your life....all bitterness has to go as it does not become you, you are happy, joyful and just plain grateful to be alive.

 

All of the things you spoke in your OP are the past, and your future and your "right now" is great.

 

If you change what you say about your situation and think, your life will get better and in no time you will be thanking exMM for backing you in a corner and forcing you to stand up for a person as important as yourself.

 

"Calling those things that are not as though they are"

[OldEurope]

Hey Gorgeous....

 

Don't get bitter, get better. Just as the difference between these two words is one mere letter, the difference mentally is taking total, full possession of your attitude and altering it.

 

It is about mind over matter, and, if necessary, you "fake it till you make it" when down, but never ever ever give into cynicism.

 

Cynicism is defeat. It is resignation. It means, "he" won. Don't give this to him. If nothing else , don't give him this ultimate triumph--possession of your soul. Your resistance will be your best "you" to date. I know it sounds corny, but when you get through this without giving into bitterness, and protecting yourself from the creeping cancer of a rotten attitude, your self confidence will soar to the moon----and that's where a Mr. Wonderful is going to be waiting.

 

DON'T GO the route of the "washed -up" movie actress who gets bitter because men, Hollywood and life were too much. Don't get angry, just get active.

 

You know that every day smart, brilliant beautiful women like you are going through this on some level or another. Others have come out of disappointment and are on to something better. Some are cooling their heels and just working on themselves. What you do not want is to join the group of those hurt women who have thrown in the towel on themselves.

 

I suggest something superficial in the meantime. If you do not yet have a circle of good male friends, cultivate one. Just as human-friends, perhaps wth a work excuse or something. But men whom you like. Not as lovers (too much too soon), but as attention, warmth, friendship. You will find that the attention, and awareness of your attractiveness will boost your ego in such a way that you will "know" how desirable you are (even though you "know"), and it just is a very good balm on a shaky self esteem. You will also work through any kind of grim anti-men attitude that might creep in....

 

Stay glorious! Don't let him win! Don't let him conquer you in the way that you never should be: NEVER let him or anyone conquer your spirit like this.

 

hugs

 

OE

Edited December 23, 2009 by OldEurope

[theycallmeprincess]

Hey Gorgeous....

 

Don't get bitter, get better. Just as the difference between these two words is one mere letter, the difference mentally is taking total, full possession of your attitude and altering it.

 

Excellent!!!! :bunny:

[jj33]

Thanks so much for these thoughtful replies. I am going out with a male friend tonite for a lovely dinner pre Xmas...

 

I was away recently and got a lot of attention (the wrong kind which I typically say doesnt count as attention - you know the type these men hit on so many women in a day that if you met them in 6 weeks they might not recognize you...) but it did remind me on some small level that I'm getting my old self back - a bit older but still me. Its been years since 3 men hit on me in a 3 day period (of course they were all married so it doesnt really count).

 

I think I do better when I am outside of my own life, I am more open. I guess I need to cultivate that in my day to day life.

 

Merry Christmas to everyone

[Hazyhead]

Such an excellent, uplifting quote, OldEurope. :-)

[NoIDidn't]

There is nothing wrong with being bitter for a little bit.

 

Its the knowing that one is bitter that makes it easier to overcome.

 

I think you have to sometimes go through being bitter, recognizing it for what it is, before you ever get better.

 

((((jj33)))

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks so much for these thoughtful replies. I am going out with a male friend tonite for a lovely dinner pre Xmas...

 

I was away recently and got a lot of attention (the wrong kind which I typically say doesnt count as attention - you know the type these men hit on so many women in a day that if you met them in 6 weeks they might not recognize you...) but it did remind me on some small level that I'm getting my old self back - a bit older but still me. Its been years since 3 men hit on me in a 3 day period (of course they were all married so it doesnt really count).

 

I think I do better when I am outside of my own life, I am more open. I guess I need to cultivate that in my day to day life.

 

Merry Christmas to everyone

 

 

I don't think you are as bitter as you felt at the point of your initial post. The holidays are a joyful time, but they still have a measure of sadness and maybe a little regret. My belief is it is normal. We all tend to take stock of our lives at the end of the year. Merry Christmas.

[fooled once]

((HUGS))

 

Maybe you just have to look at it differently. You learned a valuable, painful lesson. You don't want to repeat it, so you close your heart off so you won't get hurt again.

 

If you miss the person you used to be pre-A, then maybe you should look at it like this and see if it helps:

 

You loved a man very much who hurt you and it didn't work out. Appreciate whatever it was that kept you in the R for so long and then embrace the future. A future that you write.

 

Be mindful when you're feeling bitter and cynical and honestly I think that just you being aware that you're being that way, well help you self-check. And I don't know that you're bitter. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves and maybe that's the feeling that you're getting.

 

Just don't close yourself off too much so that you miss something wonderful.

GEL

 

Excellent post!!

 

How was your dinner last night?

 

JJ, I hope your have a wonderful Christmas and that 2010 is a great year for you!!

[howcouldInotknow]

I dont think you will be bitter forever. I know coming here to LS scared me out of being bitter and cynical because here I encountered people that made me think damn they are miserable and I didn't want that for myself. I made a conscious effort everyday to let go of a little bit of the baggage. Keep trying and one day you will realize that you are just fine.

[jj33]

Thanks. Well it now turns out that over the course of the past few months he has been asking a friend about me expressing "concern" about me and my health because he hasnt seen me anywhere (networking type things)....

 

SO not what I need - to have him worrying about me and my health to other people in our industry. Noone wants to send work to someone who isnt 100%. So while I am sure he meant well, if he wondered, he could have asked me.

 

So he said well we are your friends and we worry about you being all alone. Hes been out of my life for a long time now. What makes him think I am on my own???

 

Again I am sure he meant well but theres no reason for him to assume that. So I suggested we have a catch up (as we have a lot going on in business) and I got a ridiculous response saying if I wanted a business meeting that was fine.

 

Well what other type of meeting would I want??? It seems to me that if we arent friends and he has to make such a point about it, then he shouldnt be asking people about my health and worrying about me and telling me how concerned "people" are about my welfare.

 

I dont need his worry or concern. I need him to forget he ever met me. Forget my name and stay as far away from me as possible. So I thanked him for his concern and told him I was absolutely fine and was happy to report I was not alone. My health and the state of my personal relationships are NONE of his business.

[White Flower]

Thanks. Well it now turns out that over the course of the past few months he has been asking a friend about me expressing "concern" about me and my health because he hasnt seen me anywhere (networking type things)....

 

SO not what I need - to have him worrying about me and my health to other people in our industry. Noone wants to send work to someone who isnt 100%. So while I am sure he meant well, if he wondered, he could have asked me.

 

So he said well we are your friends and we worry about you being all alone. Hes been out of my life for a long time now. What makes him think I am on my own???

 

Again I am sure he meant well but theres no reason for him to assume that. So I suggested we have a catch up (as we have a lot going on in business) and I got a ridiculous response saying if I wanted a business meeting that was fine.

 

Well what other type of meeting would I want??? It seems to me that if we arent friends and he has to make such a point about it, then he shouldnt be asking people about my health and worrying about me and telling me how concerned "people" are about my welfare.

 

I dont need his worry or concern. I need him to forget he ever met me. Forget my name and stay as far away from me as possible. So I thanked him for his concern and told him I was absolutely fine and was happy to report I was not alone. My health and the state of my personal relationships are NONE of his business.

Good for you! He thinks he is the bee's knees and now he can sit and wonder who is now stinging you.

[fooled once]

Thanks. Well it now turns out that over the course of the past few months he has been asking a friend about me expressing "concern" about me and my health because he hasnt seen me anywhere (networking type things)....

 

SO not what I need - to have him worrying about me and my health to other people in our industry. Noone wants to send work to someone who isnt 100%. So while I am sure he meant well, if he wondered, he could have asked me.

 

So he said well we are your friends and we worry about you being all alone. Hes been out of my life for a long time now. What makes him think I am on my own???

 

Again I am sure he meant well but theres no reason for him to assume that. So I suggested we have a catch up (as we have a lot going on in business) and I got a ridiculous response saying if I wanted a business meeting that was fine.

 

Well what other type of meeting would I want??? It seems to me that if we arent friends and he has to make such a point about it, then he shouldnt be asking people about my health and worrying about me and telling me how concerned "people" are about my welfare.

 

I dont need his worry or concern. I need him to forget he ever met me. Forget my name and stay as far away from me as possible. So I thanked him for his concern and told him I was absolutely fine and was happy to report I was not alone. My health and the state of my personal relationships are NONE of his business.

 

jj, soooooo..... is it someone special? (hug)

[jj33]

Thanks guys. Actually they are little white lies... my health is not what it could be (working on that) and I am alone but my personal life is NONE of his business. He doesnt need to know, I dont want him to know and him knowing doesnt help anything or anyone.

 

Of course now I can expect that I will get questions from people oh are you seeing someone I hear you are seeing someone and I will try to deflect it. I wish I could stop him inquiring but I cant. Its annoying and very very unhelpful to me in business.

 

And really if he were concerned about my health, couldnt he have asked me? Ridiculous.

 

But new year new opportunities. Perhaps new love. You never know what is around the corner.

[jj33]

And whiteflower you are SO right. He thinks he is it. Isnt it sweet that he asks after me. Isnt he benevolent. Lets face it. If he had the emotional maturity of a gnat, then he would be able to sit down with me and actually discuss (1) the fact that it is difficult to work with a former loveer; (2) we need to come up with a better strategy for dealing with one another; (3) we need to agree boundaries and ground rules. He needs to stop butting into my business and stop stirring things up in the industry. The only thing I want people saying about me is how nice I am and how talented I am and what a pleasure I am to deal with - not speculatoin over my health etc etc how is that helpful?

 

But of course he cant. He provokes me, annoys me, baits me about things that impact my business (so that I am sure to respond like a mother lion protecting her cubs) and then when I respond he says I am being unprofessional and he is just trying to help...

 

To the naked eye it looks like I am being ungrateful but really we know the truth... hes using any means at this disposal to continue to have some stake in my life. Its not helpful to anyone and it just makes me hate him and wish I had never met him.

 

We rarely have any contact anymore and when we do it usually turns into a battle. Its ugly and its sad. If only I could get him to talk to me like a real person (WTF is going on with you??) but he would say nothing its just business why are you still hanging on to the past (like I am some sort of bunny boiler lunatic). But that is not true. If it were just professional he would lay off and not take such an interest as if my business were his. Its so frustrating.

 

And of course a part of me thinks - its been years. If you are still so hung up, why cant you talk to me. or DO something. I would have thought by now hed be onto someone new and have forgotten all about me. But no such luck. I stopped a serial adulterer in his tracks. Lucky me Im so talented...

Edited December 26, 2009 by jj33

[fooled once]

jj ~ I hope 2010 brings you someone special and I hope that whatever health issues you are battling, that it isn't something life threatening and treatable.

 

I hope one day the xMM DOES bring issues to you and stops using other people. And I truly look forward to the day when you can look him in the face and tell him you are seriously involved with someone and you wish he would stop asking others about you, when he does need to speak to you, it is solely business related and that you wish him well and you hopes he can let you go and respect you enough to not gossip about you.

[StoptheDrama]

JJ - given all of the drama both personally and professionally you have dealt with due to the A (& the continuing nonsense) it's only natural for you to be a bit bitter. As that is not who you are, it is not who you will be. I think you just need time and distance to regain your true self. It can't permanently change who you are unless you let it.

 

Best of luck & lots of hugs!

[norajane]

JJ, your heart has become hardened due to being hurt and betrayed. I can totally relate and the only thing that helped me was to drop the charges so to speak and forgive everyone involved, even myself. Forgive yourself most of all since there is a lot of shame attached to ow's in affairs. Forgive him for all the hurt he caused and know that as humans we can be extremely selfish.

 

I can't explain the freedom I felt when my heart opened up to the possibility of finding something true and real. I also work on becoming the kind of person I want to attract. If I say all men cheat, I will attract that energy and bring it to me and become paranoid about men. So I just try to take my time and watch a man's character and make a decision based on how kind and honest he is.

 

Good Luck.

 

I think this is good advice, and will add that it will help if you stop seeing yourself as his victim. You made choices that got you into that relationship, as well as ones that got you out. You were not a powerless victim when you got into and stayed in the relationship, and you are not a powerless victim now. You control your life and your perspective of your life.

 

Everyone gets into a bad relationship sometimes, and it's best to consider it a part of your path to getting to a good relationship. Don't dwell on the past - it's not your present or your future, it's just a memory.

 

At this point, any ridiculous contacts from him could just elicit mild amusement in you that he hasn't learned a damn thing and he's still the same self-centered ass he always was. You're better than that and should just laugh at his foolishness instead of taking it so seriously and allowing it to burn you up so much. He is not important - you are.

[White Flower]

And whiteflower you are SO right. He thinks he is it. Isnt it sweet that he asks after me. Isnt he benevolent. Lets face it. If he had the emotional maturity of a gnat, then he would be able to sit down with me and actually discuss (1) the fact that it is difficult to work with a former loveer; (2) we need to come up with a better strategy for dealing with one another; (3) we need to agree boundaries and ground rules. He needs to stop butting into my business and stop stirring things up in the industry. The only thing I want people saying about me is how nice I am and how talented I am and what a pleasure I am to deal with - not speculatoin over my health etc etc how is that helpful?

 

But of course he cant. He provokes me, annoys me, baits me about things that impact my business (so that I am sure to respond like a mother lion protecting her cubs) and then when I respond he says I am being unprofessional and he is just trying to help...

 

To the naked eye it looks like I am being ungrateful but really we know the truth... hes using any means at this disposal to continue to have some stake in my life. Its not helpful to anyone and it just makes me hate him and wish I had never met him.

 

We rarely have any contact anymore and when we do it usually turns into a battle. Its ugly and its sad. If only I could get him to talk to me like a real person (WTF is going on with you??) but he would say nothing its just business why are you still hanging on to the past (like I am some sort of bunny boiler lunatic). But that is not true. If it were just professional he would lay off and not take such an interest as if my business were his. Its so frustrating.

 

And of course a part of me thinks - its been years. If you are still so hung up, why cant you talk to me. or DO something. I would have thought by now hed be onto someone new and have forgotten all about me. But no such luck. I stopped a serial adulterer in his tracks. Lucky me Im so talented...

You are talented! And I do believe you stopped him in his tracks. If he didn't care he wouldn't be asking about you. Serial cheaters move on and forget because of the obvious new conquest. Whatever you did, you made an impression. The question is, how do you go on if you think he's still holding on? Perhaps it is better to forget he still cares so that you can move on?