Is he just having his cake???

[baby86]

sorry but this is gonna go on for a bit, I dont usually do this sort of thing but just need to get it off my chest and speak to an outsider. I have always been the type not to get in to heavy relationships, my friends call me man eater as a joke as i get bored of guys very quickly until i met a guy a while ago who completely blew me out of the water. As soon as i met him i was pretty much smitten, i found him to be the coolest, most chilled out and funniest guy i have ever met. But i soon found out he was married with kids. I kept my distance for a while but soon enough we were pretty much full on involved with each other. We have many mutual friends who tell me his marriage is an unhappy one and they tell me i bring out the best in him. His wife has found out about us and keeps threatening to leave if he sees me again but then he does anyway. He stays out with me all weekend and we'll go off on little adventures together. It used to be just about the sexual tension between us but now we are quite happy to lay and stare in to each other's eyes for hours. He has never said that he will leave her and i have never asked but now i find myself empty when he's not around. He has really been putting his marriage on the line recently but im not sure what he wants. I am virtually incapable of telling how i feel but fear i will lose him if i dont. Help me!!!

[Phateless]

Baby, you can't hang out in in-between-land forever. Time to make a move one way or the other. What would you advise one of your friends to do in this situation?

 

You need to tell him that he has to choose permanently between you and his wife. The hard part is that you need to be prepared to WALK AWAY FOREVER if he chooses his wife. I know it's scary, but it's for the best.

 

Right now you are totally screwing yourself over. This guy offers you no future at all, yet there's no way you can meet anyone else while you're involved with him.

 

Try to be rational about this. Tell this guy he needs to decide!

[2sure]

Well, you say that you dont know what he wants...but you also say he has not indicated that he wants to leave his wife so..what he wants is pretty clear.

 

From you description of yourself, as getting bored with guys and moving on...this one probably holds your interest simply by being basically unavailable.

 

If you want more, or want to know if he is thinking of leaving his wife...you are going to have to ask him.

[baby86]

i know i cant hang here forever, i can feel myself actually going mad over this. I would love to sort my head out and have all or nothing from him but im afraid things arent so simple. If i was to give him the choice then i wouldbe sure to shoot myself in the foot. I work with him and so have to see him all the time.

I think you are right in the sense that he holds my interests by being unavailable but i generally believe he would be the guy i would be happy to settle with, i love every second we spend together and hate having to leave him.

[Phateless]

i know i cant hang here forever, i can feel myself actually going mad over this. I would love to sort my head out and have all or nothing from him but im afraid things arent so simple. If i was to give him the choice then i wouldbe sure to shoot myself in the foot. I work with him and so have to see him all the time.

I think you are right in the sense that he holds my interests by being unavailable but i generally believe he would be the guy i would be happy to settle with, i love every second we spend together and hate having to leave him.

 

Of course it's that simple. It's just hard to do.

 

At this point you are doing this to yourself by not forcing him to make a decision.

[baby86]

Of course it's that simple. It's just hard to do.

 

At this point you are doing this to yourself by not forcing him to make a decision.

 

I know, and yes it is hard to do. If he was to chose his wife then i would find it horrible to have to see him all the time. i just wish i could just have all from him or cut him out completely.

[ADF]

Oh, please. Are you seriously asking for support here? You and your man-friend are a couple of scheming, selfish, two-timing scumbags. I hope you both end up misrable.

 

Now, mod, go ahead and flag me. It was worth it.

[bentnotbroken]

I can only assume you couldnt keep hold of your partner and they cheated on you with someone. What was it? Crap sex or just your general bitter attitude that drove them away?

 

 

Probably the lack of morals of the cheating partner if that is truly what happened.....just sayin.

[bentnotbroken]

sorry but this is gonna go on for a bit, I dont usually do this sort of thing but just need to get it off my chest and speak to an outsider. I have always been the type not to get in to heavy relationships, my friends call me man eater as a joke as i get bored of guys very quickly until i met a guy a while ago who completely blew me out of the water. As soon as i met him i was pretty much smitten, i found him to be the coolest, most chilled out and funniest guy i have ever met. But i soon found out he was married with kids. I kept my distance for a while but soon enough we were pretty much full on involved with each other. We have many mutual friends who tell me his marriage is an unhappy one and they tell me i bring out the best in him. His wife has found out about us and keeps threatening to leave if he sees me again but then he does anyway. He stays out with me all weekend and we'll go off on little adventures together. It used to be just about the sexual tension between us but now we are quite happy to lay and stare in to each other's eyes for hours. He has never said that he will leave her and i have never asked but now i find myself empty when he's not around. He has really been putting his marriage on the line recently but im not sure what he wants. I am virtually incapable of telling how i feel but fear i will lose him if i dont. Help me!!!

 

 

Maybe she will finally get it together and leave. It is clear from your post he isn't giving a damn about the kids if he is spending whole weekends and trips with you. You can't be a parent spending hours staring into some one's eyes for hours. The wife should move on and let you have that.

[fooled once]

What a great guy

Spending the whole weekend with you instead of his kids.

 

Yeah, he's a winner.

 

He's married.

 

If he is soo miserable, he can leave. But he doesn't. Instead, he cheats.

 

Great guy!

[norajane]

How nice for him to have two women who want him and won't let him go, like two dogs with a bone. It's a shame neither of you ladies realize he's not worth the tug of war.

 

He wants his wife and family, and he wants his affair. It's better that way for him - he gets two women taking care of his every desire and need instead of just one! He gets the family and the fantasy.

 

That's why he won't choose. And why should he? Both you and his wife are letting him have both of you. He'll never decide as long as both of you let him have you.

[jwi71]

Nothing will change.

 

You are INCAPABLE of changing the A and he has no REASON to change. Let me elaborate. You won't leave because you love him. You won't tell him that - not that it would really matter. Nothing you SAY or DO affects him (maybe pregnancy or some STD...otherwise...nothing you CAN do) For him...he's been busted and STILL comes around. Nothing for him to worry about (until his W hits HER breaking point).

 

Welcome to OW-ville. Most inhabitants are VERY unhappy.

 

He will continue to go home to the family, be happy and, when it suits HIM...spend time with you.

 

You...well, that spinning head feeling ONLY gets worse. They number of OW here who would, in hindsight, have an A is virtually nil. You lose so much and get NOTHING in return.

 

My advice...leave while you can. You think it hurts now...you have NO idea what lies down the road.

[baby86]

Oooo you've got you some fire in you baby86. That was quite a reply there to ADF.

 

Welcome to LS!

I'm pretty new myself and it seems quite common to get a lot of flak on your first few posts, so don't feel lonesome.

 

Thanks, and yeah i have got a lot of fire in me. Just pees me off when people judge when they dont know you. I was expecting some stick on my post so i wont feel lonesome. Its always the ow that gets the bad name. Thanks for the support in joining this.

[baby86]

Maybe she will finally get it together and leave. It is clear from your post he isn't giving a damn about the kids if he is spending whole weekends and trips with you. You can't be a parent spending hours staring into some one's eyes for hours. The wife should move on and let you have that.

 

Thanks for the reply, obviously i agree but of course i am biased. He really does care about his kids, he spends so much time with them throughout the week, he's a great dad. But i can sympathise with him that its hard to spend quality time with your kids if you and thier mum are always fighting. I really wish she could see how we are together and really hope one day she will understand that im not wrecking her married life just for the sake of it, i do really really care about him.

[Brokenlady]

I have found that if you have to ask this question, you already know the answer. He's successfully tested the waters with his W and discovered that although she doesn't like that he's cheating, she will tolerate it. And he's concurrently learning from you that you will tolerate being a mistress. It will go on for as long as you two allow it. Don't let him bullsh*t you into thinking this is "hard" for him, he's really enjoying having it both ways. But you don't sound like you're loving it. Trust me. I's not going to get better. He has no incentive to change anything because he's getting what he wants. If you want things to change, you have to change things for yourself.