Ami i the only one that feels this way?

[BED OF ROSES]

I am the OW in an affair with a MM. The facts are that I love him and he loves me, though neither of us expected or were necessarily looking for love. His W has been suspicious for sometime now and has recently begun taking excessive efforts to confirm her suspicions. She has seen little things but nothing that could confirm an affair. After her last blowout and threats to leave I had to convince him to attempt to fix the situation. He was ready to seperate and asked me if he did do I think we could atempt to for lack of a better phrase make a go of it. I of course said yes but again tried to steer him away from this line of thinking and tried to focus him on making her feel secure. The issue was a minor one and has since been resolved.

 

I do love this man and he loves me. I know the affair is wrong, I do not pretend to be a good person or a better person than I am because the facts are I am in an affair with a married man. Despite this I do not feel guilty, though I do sometimes feel unsettled or not at peace. I have no intention or desire to ruin anyone's marriage and though I love this man the idea of him leaving her or her leaving him terrifies me. I prefer being the OW. I like what we have, I am content in the love that we share but I absolutely do not want his marraige to end. Does anyone else feel this way or am I the only one?

[MizzBlue72]

No, I don't think you are the only one.

There was actually one point in the A that I welcomed the fact MM had a wife.

 

Welcome to the boards

[BED OF ROSES]

Thanks for the response. I think the root of my fear is an acceptance of the truth that alot of OW choose to overlook. My MM loves me precisely because I am the OW and not his W. No matter what he says or believes if I were to become his W that would only open up the position of OW in his life which I am certain at some point he would endeavor to once again fill.

I am honest enough to admit that what we have together is a fantasy in many ways for him - yes we love each other but that love at least the intesity of it is, I think, due in part to the context of our relationship and should that framework change so might our feelings or the intensity of our feelings for one another. Not sure if that makes any sense.

[bentnotbroken]

I highly doubt you are the only one and your "peace" will become less and less....as it should.

[jwi71]

Im sorry...what are you feeling?

 

You make it perfectly clear you are ok being the OW.

You then say you feel no guilt.

 

You feel...well what? And why?

 

Because I can't divine what you are trying to communicate....

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks for the response. I think the root of my fear is an acceptance of the truth that alot of OW choose to overlook. My MM loves me precisely because I am the OW and not his W. No matter what he says or believes if I were to become his W that would only open up the position of OW in his life which I am certain at some point he would endeavor to once again fill.

I am honest enough to admit that what we have together is a fantasy in many ways for him - yes we love each other but that love at least the intesity of it is, I think, due in part to the context of our relationship and should that framework change so might our feelings or the intensity of our feelings for one another. Not sure if that makes any sense.

 

Is your MM a serial cheater? Has he always had OWs? Or are you the first?

 

I am asking because it sounds like maybe you are an 'exit' affair, if he was so willing to let go of his M and give it a 'go' with you.

 

I kind of understand your fear, as my MM has had many OW in the past, often several at any given time during his M, but they were all short flings, or ONSs. It threw him for a loop when our friendship developed into an extended EA which eventually led to a EA/PA where we are both in love with each other. His previous OWs were PA... as far as I know there was no EA before.

 

I have wondered in the past if he had OOW while he has been with me, but I have found no reason to think that. While I suppose he COULD have, I have never had any reason to suspect it, and what an amazing time manager he would have to be to do it!

 

I have also wondered if he were to leave his M and be with me, if he would have an OW in our relationship. It is possible I suppose, but, I think with me, he found what it was he was looking for when he was going through the OW who came before me. I know I will hear that I am no different from any OW that came before me, and that he will finish with me and move on to another OW because he is a serial cheater, and maybe that is the case, but I don't think so. *shrug* (And I certainly hope that isn't the case... )

[hate2hurt]

Bed of Roses, are you M as well?

[BED OF ROSES]

Is your MM a serial cheater? Has he always had OWs? Or are you the first?

 

I am asking because it sounds like maybe you are an 'exit' affair, if he was so willing to let go of his M and give it a 'go' with you.

 

I kind of understand your fear, as my MM has had many OW in the past, often several at any given time during his M, but they were all short flings, or ONSs. It threw him for a loop when our friendship developed into an extended EA which eventually led to a EA/PA where we are both in love with each other. His previous OWs were PA... as far as I know there was no EA before.

 

I have wondered in the past if he had OOW while he has been with me, but I have found no reason to think that. While I suppose he COULD have, I have never had any reason to suspect it, and what an amazing time manager he would have to be to do it!

 

I have also wondered if he were to leave his M and be with me, if he would have an OW in our relationship. It is possible I suppose, but, I think with me, he found what it was he was looking for when he was going through the OW who came before me. I know I will hear that I am no different from any OW that came before me, and that he will finish with me and move on to another OW because he is a serial cheater, and maybe that is the case, but I don't think so. *shrug* (And I certainly hope that isn't the case... )

 

My MM has told me that he has been unfaithful on other occasions however he never had any infedelity that he would consider an affair. Sex yes, relationship no. There was never any feelings/emotions involved in any of his other indiscretions. He has told me that I am the first woman outside of his wife that he has fallen in love with and he certainly never expected to but he has and he is happy with our relationship. I make him happy.

 

I have on occasion attempted to end the A because I felt it would be easier for him considering his W increasing suspicions. He informed me that if I attempted to end our relationship in some attempt to save his marraige he would continue to cheat but he would make sure in the future not to develop feelings for the OW it would just be straight sex and that is it. He has told me repeatedly that he never wants to lose me and if our relationship ends I will have to leave him because he will never leave me.

 

I know that I am the woman he would prefer to be with but as I said the idea of him getting a divorce terrifies me. I have no desire to see that happen and I am happy and content to keep things just the way they are. As to the other poster that asked whether I am married, no I am not.

[atlnay]

I am in an affair with a married man. Despite this I do not feel guilty, though I do sometimes feel unsettled or not at peace. I have no intention or desire to ruin anyone's marriage and though I love this man the idea of him leaving her or her leaving him terrifies me. I prefer being the OW. I like what we have, I am content in the love that we share but I absolutely do not want his marraige to end. Does anyone else feel this way or am I the only one?

 

You are not alone, I feel the same way.

[NoIDidn't]

My MM has told me that he has been unfaithful on other occasions however he never had any infedelity that he would consider an affair. Sex yes, relationship no. There was never any feelings/emotions involved in any of his other indiscretions. He has told me that I am the first woman outside of his wife that he has fallen in love with and he certainly never expected to but he has and he is happy with our relationship. I make him happy.

 

I have on occasion attempted to end the A because I felt it would be easier for him considering his W increasing suspicions. He informed me that if I attempted to end our relationship in some attempt to save his marraige he would continue to cheat but he would make sure in the future not to develop feelings for the OW it would just be straight sex and that is it. He has told me repeatedly that he never wants to lose me and if our relationship ends I will have to leave him because he will never leave me.

 

I know that I am the woman he would prefer to be with but as I said the idea of him getting a divorce terrifies me. I have no desire to see that happen and I am happy and content to keep things just the way they are. As to the other poster that asked whether I am married, no I am not.

 

Then why not tell him to settle his marriage (fix his W's suspicions) for a few weeks, and you'll be waiting for his call in the mean time.

 

He seems to want you in his life in the capacity that he has for now. You don't want him to leave, but it doesn't seem like you've told him that.

 

I say tell him what you have said here and let him fix things to where she doesn't suspect anymore and then you get your regular affair back.

 

That is, unless you are in denial of what you actually communicate to him. Because I can certainly agree that your actions and recommendations to him come off more along the lines of commitment-phobic and that you don't really trust him (not that I blame you for this one).

 

Seems like you don't want him for yourself because you think he will just cheat on you anyway. But you discount the fact that a cheater can have several partners at the same time and you'll not be the wiser, so you aren't saving yourself any heartache by wanting him to stay married. Believe me.

[1Angel]

Agree with NID. You might want him to stay married so that way he "can't":rolleyes: have any more women.

If you're content with accepting crumbs no need to convince anyone else otherwise.

If you were having sex with a single guy you could always tell him no committment. So take this or leave it as your 2 x 4.

[fooled once]

Thanks for the response. I think the root of my fear is an acceptance of the truth that alot of OW choose to overlook. My MM loves me precisely because I am the OW and not his W. No matter what he says or believes if I were to become his W that would only open up the position of OW in his life which I am certain at some point he would endeavor to once again fill.

I am honest enough to admit that what we have together is a fantasy in many ways for him - yes we love each other but that love at least the intesity of it is, I think, due in part to the context of our relationship and should that framework change so might our feelings or the intensity of our feelings for one another. Not sure if that makes any sense.

 

You love a fantasy, as you don't really KNOW HIM. You don't share daily responsibilities with him, you don't care for him when he is sick, you don't deal with all the emotions after a bad day, you don't deal with him on a 1-1 daily basis and know WHO he really is.

 

You know the fantasy of him. And if you are content with that, that's great. But you two don't share the same thing he shares with his wife - a history, traditions, expectations, responsibilities. You and his wife are on two totally different planets in regards to him.

[BED OF ROSES]

You love a fantasy, as you don't really KNOW HIM. You don't share daily responsibilities with him, you don't care for him when he is sick, you don't deal with all the emotions after a bad day, you don't deal with him on a 1-1 daily basis and know WHO he really is.

 

You know the fantasy of him. And if you are content with that, that's great. But you two don't share the same thing he shares with his wife - a history, traditions, expectations, responsibilities. You and his wife are on two totally different planets in regards to him.

 

I know the HIM that he chooses to show me and I am content with that. His wife knows the HIM the he chooses to show her...whether or not she is content with that I have no idea. His wife and I may be on totally different planets in regard to him but the planets are parrallel in my view. Perhaps neither of us has access to the "whole" man.

 

However, given the choice I would much prefer my position to hers. My reason is simple. I don't need to know the "whole" man as long as the man that I know satisfies me and compliments my life. I after all am not the person who has pledged the rest of my life to him. So should I become exposed to a side of this man in the future that no longer satisfies me or compliments my life it is an easy enough matter for me to walk away. The same cannot be said for his wife.

[bentnotbroken]

Neither has access to a man. Nothing of a man to see, whatever side he is showing.

[Lizzie60]

I know the HIM that he chooses to show me and I am content with that. His wife knows the HIM the he chooses to show her...whether or not she is content with that I have no idea. His wife and I may be on totally different planets in regard to him but the planets are parrallel in my view. Perhaps neither of us has access to the "whole" man.

 

However, given the choice I would much prefer my position to hers. My reason is simple. I don't need to know the "whole" man as long as the man that I know satisfies me and compliments my life. I after all am not the person who has pledged the rest of my life to him. So should I become exposed to a side of this man in the future that no longer satisfies me or compliments my life it is an easy enough matter for me to walk away. The same cannot be said for his wife.

 

BoR... I am in the same situation..

 

and Fooled .. I rather have the fantasy. I don't really want to share daily responsibilities with him, I don't want to care for him when he is sick, nor the emotions after a bad day. I am very content with the 'HIM' I know..

 

I rather have a man that is under his very best behaviour, everytime we are together.. who will take extra special care of me when he's with me..

 

Relationships are a lot of work.. (I know.. btdt).. I am too lazy now..

 

Plus.. if I get bored.. I can dump him and get another one..

[fooled once]

And if only knowing part of him is what you want, that's great.

 

I want the whole man, I want the man in sickness and in health. I want the man that I can come home to each night. I want the one who will fix me breakfast on the weekend, help me with house work, leave me sweet notes each day. I want the man I can commit to -- for better or for worse.

 

But others don't - and that is totally fine. I just want the WHOLE package.

[atlnay]

But others don't - and that is totally fine. I just want the WHOLE package.

 

I want to the WHOLE package too, it's just not an option with my MM so why stress myself over it? I am 100% emotionally ready to meet someone who can be my total package. When we do meet and things get exclusive, my MM guy & I (if not already done by this point) will be over.