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My update


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I have been debating back and for whether or not I should post an update. The past two or more weeks have been brutal for me. I have never experienced pain like this before and thank God I am on anti-dep because I just don't know how I would really be if I was not on them.

 

Anyway back in the beginning of the month he told his wife about us, the reason for him doing that was because he thought that I would get to her first (which I had no intentions of doing) So he got to tell her his highly watered down version of our relationship.

 

We talked the next few days after he told her and he was like I am going to need you to lean on. Basically sayimg he still needs me in his life. I think at that point I was still in a state of shock that he told her and still wanting to be with him. I just couldn't let him go even though I knew we were never going to be. That weekend that followed was pure hell for me. I was hyperventilating all day and crying non-stop. I never have been like that in my entire life. This guy cut me to the core. I can't get into the details of our relationship but lets just say I never let any guy into my heart, soul & mind like I did this guy. I have so many issues from my past that just came flooding to the surface. Why did I allow myself to be this way? I do believe him and I had a connection, even at this point but I held on for many years that I would not get involved with him because he was married. We both crossed a line and can never go back to being friends.

 

After that weekend my friend called him just to let him know the damage he caused me. He told her that he still loved me, that it wasn't an affair, we had a full blown relationship but he has to do the right thing and try to work on his marriage for his child. Anyway he told her and made her promise him that she wouldn't tell me but he said it was doubtful that his marriage was going to work out and he didn't want me to wait around for him. WOW someone is full of themselves. I gave my heart & soul to this guy but you know what I may have stood still for a long time but I never go backwards. He has hurt me way too much. I feel like I second guess everything now. I wonder how long that will take to overcome.

 

I will admit I called him the very next day after he talked to my friend after he swore he would not answer any of my emails (which I didn't email him once) or any of my calls but he did. We talked and I did feel a sense of relief but then it hit me like a ton of bricks- things were never going to be the same btwn him and I. He admitted to me that he still loves me and his feelings haven't changed, like that changes anything for me? I told him I feel like I lost my best friend and he said we can still be best friends and be there for each other..... I was like ummm no thanks. I don't need a mon-fri 8-5 friend, thanks I will pass on that.

 

I had a really bad week and I woke up one morning, took a shower and had a freaking panic attack. I called him and I was hysterically crying- not like ohhh come back to me but more out of hurt & anger. He seemed annoyed and very cold. We talked for a little bit but I had to go to work and the last conversation we had I said I didn't even know him anymore and that was that. He called my friend the next day to check up on me and told her to take care of me and that maybe in a few months we can talk. She told him again not to respond to anything from me and he said he would try for as long as he possibly could because he understands that I need him, oh whatever!!!!!!! I hate him now. That was 10 days ago. I have no contact since and I won't ever despite what he thinks I am going to do.

 

I am trying to get my life back together and its been hard, real hard. I have on and off days and my mind is constantly going, it doesn't stop. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I am in the middle of one of the scenarios I have in my head. When will this end? I am and always have been true to myself and I know that I have pride and I don't want someone who doesn't want me. How do I go on like this? He broke down so many walls to get to me and then grabbed my heart, held onto it for a long time and then just threw it on the ground and stomped all over it. I do feel bad for his wife and my part in it. I also struggle with that as well. I will say I will never do this again in my life.

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I'm so sorry for your suffering CC. It's so incredibly hard when they turn their back. You may well have had a real connection to him, but in the end he has responsibility and, most likely, love for his wife (even if not 'in love') that pulls him the other way, not to mention his child. He has to give that his best shot, for the sake of his child. I'm in a similar situation, and hard that it is I know I need to just walk away. Being friends with him will hurt you further.

 

Take comfort in your friend (she sounds like a good one :-)) and keep yourself as strong as possible. You will get through this and there will be a far more deserving man to win your heart back at the end of it.

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I'm so sorry for your suffering CC. It's so incredibly hard when they turn their back. You may well have had a real connection to him, but in the end he has responsibility and, most likely, love for his wife (even if not 'in love') that pulls him the other way, not to mention his child. He has to give that his best shot, for the sake of his child. I'm in a similar situation, and hard that it is I know I need to just walk away. Being friends with him will hurt you further.

 

Take comfort in your friend (she sounds like a good one :-)) and keep yourself as strong as possible. You will get through this and there will be a far more deserving man to win your heart back at the end of it.

 

Thank you. I know I can't be friends with him. There is no point in us talking anymore. I am trying to be strong for myself, to get myself back and I know that I will never contact him again. I hope that I can overcome all of this and meet someone decent. I actually started talking to a guy that I actually clicked with but I am so messed up in the head because of this I just can't go any further right now. I loved xMM with all my heart, everything I had. I am sorry you are in a similiar situation, it is so heartbreaking.

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It is heartbreaking. Every day is so hard (actually at the moment getting increasingly harder) but I'm determined to get through and so, I think, are you. It's a fab boost for you that you already have had a little spark with another guy, but I don't know if I would want to get into anything else right now. For me, I want to recover first and to be honest, despite all the hurt, my MM is still kinda on a pedestal in a lot of ways and I don't want to be comparing someone with him. Heal and work on yourself first, think about relationships later :-)

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"my MM is still kinda on a pedestal"

 

xMM that should say! God. That's the first time I've written that. But then I never referred to him as my MM anyway (I don't think) as he never was mine.

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It is heartbreaking. Every day is so hard (actually at the moment getting increasingly harder) but I'm determined to get through and so, I think, are you. It's a fab boost for you that you already have had a little spark with another guy, but I don't know if I would want to get into anything else right now. For me, I want to recover first and to be honest, despite all the hurt, my MM is still kinda on a pedestal in a lot of ways and I don't want to be comparing someone with him. Heal and work on yourself first, think about relationships later :-)

 

I definitely am not mentally ok with getting involved with someone else right now. My friends think I need a distraction though. I just don't want a rebound relationship, its not fair to him or myself. I question who I am right now. I don't think I have xMM on a pedestal that much, here and there I put him on it but he comes right back down (maybe its the anti-dep LOL) I hear ya about the X part of mm, I felt weird doing that too.

 

I find myself sometimes just busting out laughing, thinking wow what a fool I was!!!!! I could be driving, sitting at home but definitely not at work. I get myself cracking up but you know what follows........ the crying. I'd rather laugh then cry, I'd rather be angry then cry. Thats all I want to end right now is the crying.

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I reckon the laughing is actually a really good sign, even if it's followed by crying - it hints that you are dealing with it. The emotions will naturally be all over the place and completely unpredictable. Go with them!

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heartbroken1109

I'm so sorry for your pain. Your situation is remarkably similar to mine, and every day I pray that the crying will stop. I'm proud of you for sticking to NC. I haven't been able to do that yet (honestly really don't want to, but know I'm setting myself up for more pain). I think you are wise not to try to remain friends. My grandmother always said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I guess we'll be some tough cookies after recovery. Hang in there.

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I reckon the laughing is actually a really good sign, even if it's followed by crying - it hints that you are dealing with it. The emotions will naturally be all over the place and completely unpredictable. Go with them!

 

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. This guy really did a number on me. It's going to be a slow process for me to get through. I don't even want to be with him anymore. I just feel like I was taken on a crazy rollercoaster ride and I just got off and I'm like WTF was that?

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I'm so sorry for your pain. Your situation is remarkably similar to mine, and every day I pray that the crying will stop. I'm proud of you for sticking to NC. I haven't been able to do that yet (honestly really don't want to, but know I'm setting myself up for more pain). I think you are wise not to try to remain friends. My grandmother always said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I guess we'll be some tough cookies after recovery. Hang in there.

 

Thank you and I am sorry that you are going through this as well. My advice to you is NC, seriously- I tried to talk to him 2 times last week and I finally was like this is not worth it and I am causing myself new pain. Just do it!! The sooner the better.

 

Your grandmother is right. We HAVE to be strong. I had to dig real deep inside me to find the strength to get through this and also with the help of my anti-dep. It just somewhat takes the edge off??? I never was the type to pop pills but in this case I had no choice. I will come out of this stronger!!

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