Why don't more OW/OM demand respect?

[fooled once]

What I mean is, if the OW/OM really wants a true honest relationship with the cheater, why don't they stand up and say "Me or Her/Him"? Why don't more give an ultimatum? Why do we allow the cheater to be a cake eater? Why do we accept his/her indecision?

 

I can only say for myself that I shouldn't gotten involved with a MM, even though he was living on his own. I should have demanded more; I should have respected myself more. After he returned home, to his wife, and continued the Affair, I should have not accepted that. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and slap myself in the head

 

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person? Why do you accept sharing?

[outofthedark]

Hope that you will no longer have to share him.

Fear that if you stand up and give that ultimatum you will lose and push him away.

Faith in that "soulmate love" that we all seem to believe is what we have found. Faith that what he says is true and in time we will have all of him.

I am struggling with this too. I am so ANGRY at the moment for all the crap I put up with and all the crap I allowed him to do/say to me. I think I am just as mad at myself as him as I allowed it to happen. Wont do that again.

[DramaQueen]

Hope that you will no longer have to share him.

Fear that if you stand up and give that ultimatum you will lose and push him away.

Faith in that "soulmate love" that we all seem to believe is what we have found. Faith that what he says is true and in time we will have all of him.

I am struggling with this too. I am so ANGRY at the moment for all the crap I put up with and all the crap I allowed him to do/say to me. I think I am just as mad at myself as him as I allowed it to happen. Wont do that again.

 

OOTD, you said it so well...it is all about hopes, hopes that he planted in our heads that we would have a future together, fear that we will lose the only one person we could ever love which makes us want to try even harder.

 

My MM has said all the beautiful things to me, made so many promises of our future together but after 3 years, he is slowly changing and telling me he's afraid to make the change. All the hopes are slowly vanishing but i am still hoping....WTF!!! I know i dont deserve this and keep wondering when I will wake up from all this. I can so easily advise another woman out there in my similar position to leave but I cant do it myself.

[Woggle]

How can you expect respect from a situation that was built off of disrespect. It is inherently wrong from the start.

[skylarblue]

I couldn’t become emotionally involved with a MM and never really understood how the OW could accept it. If I approached a guy and saw he was married the chance of me pursuing any kind of EA was dissipated. I don’t have the capacity or capability to be a F/T gf to a P/T man. I wouldn’t want my bf to cheat and I’d feel like I’m walking into a R were I’m already being cheated on. I mean I can understand an unexpected EA developing into an A and the OW waiting if the MM is leading her to believe that he’s going to leave his W. But I don’t understood why after however long she doesn’t give him and stand by an ultimatum. It doesn’t seem like anyone is getting a good deal except the MM. He gets to live the married and single life. To me, it’s like the OW is in the same position as the BW except she already knows she’s dating a cheater and liar.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i knew the situation when i got into it. so therefore i couldnt demand anything more than how it was when the relationship started. i was ok with it though. i knew the ground rules going into it.

 

with that being said i had no idea the emotional toll it would take on me. to know you are second, to accept it and be understanding about it. it took me from being a strong, secure woman to thinking im less than someone else. i am now suffering the consequences. and now, i think if he truly loved me he wouldnt have allowed me to be treated that way.

[norajane]

I couldn’t become emotionally involved with a MM and never really understood how the OW could accept it. If I approached a guy and saw he was married the chance of me pursuing any kind of EA was dissipated. I don’t have the capacity or capability to be a F/T gf to a P/T man. I wouldn’t want my bf to cheat and I’d feel like I’m walking into a R were I’m already being cheated on. I mean I can understand an unexpected EA developing into an A and the OW waiting if the MM is leading her to believe that he’s going to leave his W. But I don’t understood why after however long she doesn’t give him and stand by an ultimatum. It doesn’t seem like anyone is getting a good deal except the MM. He gets to live the married and single life. To me, it’s like the OW is in the same position as the BW except she already knows she’s dating a cheater and liar.

 

You've been with your MM for 4 or 5 years now, haven't you? And he expects you to stick around for another 5 or 10 years, right?

 

I can't understand why you stay with him for years if you are not emotionally involved!

 

Nor do I understand why you don't use birth control when you've said a pregnancy would ruin your life. Does that sound like a good deal to you?

 

Do you believe he respects you? It sounds like he's using you.

[Hazyhead]

think in my foolish 'loved up' haze, I believed everything he told me, so felt it was just a matter of time before he left and due to certain factors in his marriage I didn't want to rush him; I wanted him to leave under the best circumstances possible so that he could foster as strong a relationship as possible with his very young son. I honestly didn't know I needed to ultimatum him. I listened to my heart and trusted him. I know that makes me incredibly naive, at best, but I learned the hard way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[jennie-jennie]

You still have not read about the Split Self Affair, have you, FO?

 

I see the it as "for better and for worse". My MM is having psychological and emotional issues. I stand by his side until he has sorted them out.

 

An ultimatum would not heal his wounds inside. So it would be of no use.

[OWoman]

What I mean is, if the OW/OM really wants a true honest relationship with the cheater, why don't they stand up and say "Me or Her/Him"? Why don't more give an ultimatum? Why do we allow the cheater to be a cake eater? Why do we accept his/her indecision?

 

I can only say for myself that I shouldn't gotten involved with a MM, even though he was living on his own. I should have demanded more; I should have respected myself more. After he returned home, to his wife, and continued the Affair, I should have not accepted that. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and slap myself in the head

 

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person? Why do you accept sharing?

 

Because, for some of us, being the only person is / was "less". I preferred having many lovers; I hated the claustrophobia of one person demanding that I be their everything, and expecting in turn that they be mine. I wanted to pick and choose as my mood took me, and I loved the control of having who I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.

 

There was absolutely no lack of respect - at least, towards me. Sure, there probably was a fundamental lack of respect shown towards their BWs or whoever they'd drop at a moment's notice when I summoned them, but that wasn't part of our R, that was part of their R with that person, so extraneous to my concern.

 

I didn't ever want to say, me or her, because the "her" was what made the R a possibility in the first place.

 

When - during my last A - we decided we wanted to be together fulltime, it was a mutual realisation that things had changed, and that what we'd originally wanted, and signed up for, no longer fitted as well as it once had. And so, it wasn't then a case of "me or her", but a case of "what do we need to do to make this a reality?" In my case, there was a list of things I needed to organise, and in his, another list - which involved dumping the "her" that had once made the R a possibility.

 

But it was never a "me or her" thing. His R with me was always, only, about him and me.

[Lizzie60]

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person?

 

I don't accept less.. I think I get more... in a way.. she gets less.. IMO... If there was no respect or no 'emotional connection' of some kind' he wouldn't be with me for so long.. (all my As are at least 4 years old)

 

 

Why do you accept sharing?

 

Because sharing IS what I want.. I don't want a man full time. so this is the best arrangement for me..

[skylarblue]

Originally Posted by norajane

You've been with your MM for 4 or 5 years now, haven't you? And he expects you to stick around for another 5 or 10 years, right?

I can't understand why you stay with him for years if you are not emotionally involved!

Nor do I understand why you don't use birth control when you've said a pregnancy would ruin your life. Does that sound like a good deal to you?

Do you believe he respects you? It sounds like he's using you.

 

Yes it’s been 5yrs and he did make a comment on me being there 5yrs from now, but not because he has feelings for me or vice versa. Do I believe he respects me? sure. I don’t not respect him because he’s cheating on his W. But you’re right. He’s definitely using me, but I know this and I’m fine with it because I feel I’m using him also. I can't understand why you stay with him for years if you are not emotionally involved! Touché. To me, my A seems so simple and ones involving emotions seem so complicated to understand, but I see your point. I’ve never seen a MM for more than 3-4months and only planned on the same for him. I know that I’ve become kinda psychologically attached (probably why I haven’t ended it yet), but I don’t see myself being heartbroken like I think so many OW experience when it ends. Nor have I had any heartache because of him in the 5yrs. And I didn’t put my life on hold for him. I’ve been ok with my situation; the OW in EAs don’t seem to be ok with theirs. I guess it just always seems to me like the OW is letting herself be strung along by the MM and the MM uses her love for him to do so (I’m not implying that he doesn’t love her too). IDK, maybe I’m wrong, but I really do have a hard time understanding it… Nor do I understand why you don't use birth control when you've said a pregnancy would ruin your life. Does that sound like a good deal to you? It is pretty f*ckin’ stupid of me, I know.

[heartbroken1109]

I got involved with a SMM and it was stupid of me to think that he was done with the marriage so early in the game. We fell in love and I thought that he would not stay but a few months at the most when he went back, wrong of course. I do not blame him because he would have easily let me walk away but I didn't. Yes, it cost me a lot in terms of self respect and I became something I didn't like at all.....second best. Our affair lasted 1 1/2 years and eventually I walked away into the arms of someone else, who was a lot worse for me (emotionally abusive) than the affair was. Now is that sick or what? It's slightly OT but I caution anyone who is leaving the A to be very careful about dating as your judgment is off and you need to allow yourself time to mourn and heal before jumping into something else. My self esteem was at a very low point in my life so I was ripe for the pickings of a really evil man. I have more scars from that relationship than I do the affair.

 

I'm now with the former MM, who is very close to getting his divorce and we do well considering. There is baggage for both of us from our prior relationship, his marriage and I've got stuff from the abusive guy but I'm/we are are working on it. There are alot of strikes against us but hopefully we will be able to see it through and in five years, I'd like to say that neither one of us have any regrets and I'd like for it to be the best relationship we've both ever had in our lives. It's gonna be a tough road, but hopefully we will make it.

 

It's great to hear that it is actually working out for you guys. I wish you the best!

[MizzBlue72]

This one, for me, is easy.

I was an idiot. Plain and simple.

I was lacking any kind of emotional connection in my life ... for me, what xMM provided worked.

I actually thought that was enough .. WOW how dumb was I!!!

[RedDevil66]

This one, for me, is easy.

I was an idiot. Plain and simple.

I was lacking any kind of emotional connection in my life ... for me, what xMM provided worked.

I actually thought that was enough .. WOW how dumb was I!!!

 

I second this

 

I was 30yrs old at the time and very emotionally immature and had no self worth. I had no clue cheating married men were scum! I thought this guy really loved me and boy was a thirsty for love at the time.

 

I never demanded a thing from him because I just assumed he loved me and would leave his wife.

God, was I an idiot!

[fooled once]

Because, for some of us, being the only person is / was "less". I preferred having many lovers; I hated the claustrophobia of one person demanding that I be their everything, and expecting in turn that they be mine. I wanted to pick and choose as my mood took me, and I loved the control of having who I wanted, when I wanted, and how I wanted.

 

There was absolutely no lack of respect - at least, towards me. Sure, there probably was a fundamental lack of respect shown towards their BWs or whoever they'd drop at a moment's notice when I summoned them, but that wasn't part of our R, that was part of their R with that person, so extraneous to my concern.

 

I didn't ever want to say, me or her, because the "her" was what made the R a possibility in the first place.

 

When - during my last A - we decided we wanted to be together fulltime, it was a mutual realisation that things had changed, and that what we'd originally wanted, and signed up for, no longer fitted as well as it once had. And so, it wasn't then a case of "me or her", but a case of "what do we need to do to make this a reality?" In my case, there was a list of things I needed to organise, and in his, another list - which involved dumping the "her" that had once made the R a possibility.

 

But it was never a "me or her" thing. His R with me was always, only, about him and me.

 

OW - your case of OW is not what I am talking about. You didn't want a 1-1 relationship. You didn't get into it thinking you and he would be together and he would leave his wife.

 

I am talking about the situations where the OW WANTS the man to herself and believes the 'lies' and allows herself to be 2nd. That isn't your case (or wasn't your case). You weren't in it for a monogomous relationship.

[fooled once]

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person?

 

I don't accept less.. I think I get more... in a way.. she gets less.. IMO... If there was no respect or no 'emotional connection' of some kind' he wouldn't be with me for so long.. (all my As are at least 4 years old)

 

 

Why do you accept sharing?

 

Because sharing IS what I want.. I don't want a man full time. so this is the best arrangement for me..

 

 

Again, you want to be a p/t thing. You don't want to settle or just have 1 man in you life. You and OW aren't the 'typical' OW who gets involved and wants 1-1 relationship.

[fooled once]

This one, for me, is easy.

I was an idiot. Plain and simple.

I was lacking any kind of emotional connection in my life ... for me, what xMM provided worked.

I actually thought that was enough .. WOW how dumb was I!!!

 

MizzB *hug* You summed up how I feel now about it. I can't believe I believed the lies. I can't believe I devalued myself to allow myself to continue this way for 2 years. I do look back and think if I hadn't done it, hadn't allowed it to go on as long as it did and if it hadn't ended when it did, I wouldn't have been in the place I was at the time I was to meet my now H This is the only way I can wrap my head around who stupid I was.

[White Flower]

What I mean is, if the OW/OM really wants a true honest relationship with the cheater, why don't they stand up and say "Me or Her/Him"? Why don't more give an ultimatum? Why do we allow the cheater to be a cake eater? Why do we accept his/her indecision?

 

I can only say for myself that I shouldn't gotten involved with a MM, even though he was living on his own. I should have demanded more; I should have respected myself more. After he returned home, to his wife, and continued the Affair, I should have not accepted that. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and slap myself in the head

 

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person? Why do you accept sharing?

Because sometimes the OW/OM is only looking for sharing.

[BED OF ROSES]

What I mean is, if the OW/OM really wants a true honest relationship with the cheater, why don't they stand up and say "Me or Her/Him"? Why don't more give an ultimatum? Why do we allow the cheater to be a cake eater? Why do we accept his/her indecision?

 

I can only say for myself that I shouldn't gotten involved with a MM, even though he was living on his own. I should have demanded more; I should have respected myself more. After he returned home, to his wife, and continued the Affair, I should have not accepted that. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and slap myself in the head

 

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person? Why do you accept sharing?

 

I think it depends on what you want and what your expectations are in the relationship. I believe that the relationship I have as the OW to a MM is a true and honest relationship between the two of us. I have no desire to issue an ultimatum because I understand and understood the terms of our relationship when I entered it. He has never lied to me nor have I lied to him. I do not see him as the "cake eater" if anything we are both enjoying the cake. I have what I want in this relationship as does he. We love and respect each other and we have time together that is just ours. We take vacations together, party together or sometimes he will just cook for me and we will spend an evening together. I want for nothing emotionally in my A with this MM.

 

I accept less than being the only woman because that is the reality of the situation that I entered into and also because I am able to seperate my life with him from his life with his wife. I do not compare anything because I have no need to.

[Fallen Angel]

Because in the beginning I didn't realize I was sharing, and by the time I did my heart was so involved.

 

Because I know that it is not as black and white as ME or HER, he has a FAMILY, children, grandchildren etc... most importantly a child who is still at home who he not only feels obligated to finish raising but he WANTS to finish raising.

 

Because giving him an ultimatum at THIS point is saying choose me or your child... and I would lose. (I know people say 'men can still parent' after a divorce, but we all KNOW, it is not the same)

 

Because I think/hope/feel/pray that when it does finally come down to ME or HER, and the kids are all grown and gone, that his love, passion, friendship with me, will win out over the disconnected, dispassionate life he has with her.

 

Because I love him with all that I am, and I fear that no one else will ever love me, and that I will never love anyone else. And I lived fifteen years of pure hell with a man who didn't love me, and I don't want to be alone, and I do not want to be in yet another failed and loveless relationship.

 

Because I am weak.

 

Because I fear.

 

Because I feel broken, and sometimes feel it is all I deserve.

 

Because I fear that my brokeness will never allow anyone else to love me more than he does.......

[pureinheart]

OOTD, you said it so well...it is all about hopes, hopes that he planted in our heads that we would have a future together, fear that we will lose the only one person we could ever love which makes us want to try even harder.

 

My MM has said all the beautiful things to me, made so many promises of our future together but after 3 years, he is slowly changing and telling me he's afraid to make the change. All the hopes are slowly vanishing but i am still hoping....WTF!!! I know i dont deserve this and keep wondering when I will wake up from all this. I can so easily advise another woman out there in my similar position to leave but I cant do it myself.

 

They dangle carrots as if they had them to dangle....false hopes, false dreams form the lie...mind control, classical conditioning. Hey it's not just MM that do this...one doesn't have to be M to be a liar.

 

You will get tired of it, and you will change it...he will not let go easy, but if you stick to your guns he'll find someone else who will play his game.

 

Hey DQ, continue encouraging others to get out, and abuse is not always M....abusers are single too..lol...I think it is great that you are sharing your experiences for the purpose of helping others....go for it, and I can guarentee you yourself will be out before you know it!

[pureinheart]

Because in the beginning I didn't realize I was sharing, and by the time I did my heart was so involved.

 

Because I know that it is not as black and white as ME or HER, he has a FAMILY, children, grandchildren etc... most importantly a child who is still at home who he not only feels obligated to finish raising but he WANTS to finish raising.

 

Because giving him an ultimatum at THIS point is saying choose me or your child... and I would lose. (I know people say 'men can still parent' after a divorce, but we all KNOW, it is not the same)

 

Because I think/hope/feel/pray that when it does finally come down to ME or HER, and the kids are all grown and gone, that his love, passion, friendship with me, will win out over the disconnected, dispassionate life he has with her.

 

Because I love him with all that I am, and I fear that no one else will ever love me, and that I will never love anyone else. And I lived fifteen years of pure hell with a man who didn't love me, and I don't want to be alone, and I do not want to be in yet another failed and loveless relationship.

 

Because I am weak.

 

Because I fear.

 

Because I feel broken, and sometimes feel it is all I deserve.

 

Because I fear that my brokeness will never allow anyone else to love me more than he does.......

 

Wow...your honestly is soooooo refreshing....hopefully I will get there someday....I am still in the trauma mode...not intending to be unreal or uncool, there are still a lot of masks and walls....thank you

[pureinheart]

I think it depends on what you want and what your expectations are in the relationship. I believe that the relationship I have as the OW to a MM is a true and honest relationship between the two of us. I have no desire to issue an ultimatum because I understand and understood the terms of our relationship when I entered it. He has never lied to me nor have I lied to him. I do not see him as the "cake eater" if anything we are both enjoying the cake. I have what I want in this relationship as does he. We love and respect each other and we have time together that is just ours. We take vacations together, party together or sometimes he will just cook for me and we will spend an evening together. I want for nothing emotionally in my A with this MM.

 

I accept less than being the only woman because that is the reality of the situation that I entered into and also because I am able to seperate my life with him from his life with his wife. I do not compare anything because I have no need to.

 

Things change all of the time, people change, feelings....ect...I know you are happy or accepting the way things are because you entered into this with the knowledge that it would not go anywhere....please remember that if you change, you have the right to change the rules of the "verbal" or unsaid agreement as this was not binding....

[her_halo_slipped]

What I mean is, if the OW/OM really wants a true honest relationship with the cheater, why don't they stand up and say "Me or Her/Him"? Why don't more give an ultimatum? Why do we allow the cheater to be a cake eater? Why do we accept his/her indecision?

 

I can only say for myself that I shouldn't gotten involved with a MM, even though he was living on his own. I should have demanded more; I should have respected myself more. After he returned home, to his wife, and continued the Affair, I should have not accepted that. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and slap myself in the head

 

So why did you/do you accept less than being the only person? Why do you accept sharing?

 

I share because I am happy sharing. I don't want the whole kitty and caboodle. What I get is enough. It's that simple. It's a friendship bordering on an EA. I don't want anything more.