I did a complete 180

[atlnay]

A few days ago, as recently as Wednesday actually, I was so emotionally overspent from my year long EA/5 mo long PA with a MM. I had started NC, even worked up the courage to post my story herr and semi-out myself, ensuring I'd feel guilt if I backslid. I thought I was on my way.

 

Then Wednesday came. I was sitting around thinking. In the few days of NC he called and emailed me a few times, but I missed the call and replied to only a few emails. So I wasn't really missing him or mourning his lost. I had just resigned myself to moving on.

 

As I said, I was thinking about this entire situation. I have also spent the last year trying to improve my understanding of men, their mindset & actions.

 

When it all came together for me. Me & my MM are not having anything that will lead to a relationship. I was only hurting myself moping around when I didn't hear from him. Being sad on weekends when I knew for sure I wasn't going to hear from him. And pushing him away by making myself yet another obligation to him, which he already has with a W & young child.

 

Besides, I wasn't even sure if we had something it would even lead us getting married. Why was I getting so emotionally spent? And that was the key word for me, emotions. Once I removed them from the equation and saw the situation for what it was, just sex, I felt like a weight was lifted form my shoulders, I felt free. I can do just sex.

 

I sent him an email telling him let's cut the emotional stuff. That's why I break up with him each week. That's why he always has to pursue me or else I start to withdraw. I am treating him like he's my boyfriend and we both know that he is not. I can't keep taking care of him, make sure he eats, plan special things for him, buy him little treats when this is not going anywhere.

 

I then said let's just keep it physical, you want to see me, give me a call and I'll do the same. In the meantime, I'm going to really start dating. I can now open myself up emotionally to another man and if I meet someone that wants to take it to the next level and be exclusive, we end it then, no drama, no questions.

 

He replied saying hell no...lol. But I wrote back and said we'll have to agree to disagree. This is how its' going down.

 

That night I get a call, after he gets off work which he NEVER EVER has done in the year we've been involved. He wanted to come over. I pretended I wasn't home and he said he'd call me in the morning. He didn't. Same thing the next night. As soon as he got off work, he called to come by. I declined again.

 

That wasn't a game to me. I really wasn't up for company and he's the type that if I say no and he knows I'm home, he'd have tried to pop up.

 

Since my AHA moment, I feel the same way. I like him. I am attracted to him. I'm comfortable with him sexually. He turns me on SO MUCH! Yet I don't want him to leave his wife & child.

 

When I first found this forum in the summer, 2 posters stuck out to me, lizze60 & jennie-jennie. Even though at the time I couldn't grasp their POVs about being an OW. Because I was so emotionally attached to my MM and wanted an impossible never gonna happen relationship with him. But they seemed so matter of fact, they GOT what it really was all about and just went along for the ride.

 

That's where I'm at now. I'm not pining for him to call. Not distressed over not being with him over the holidays. Nothing. Rather, I like that when we are together we have fun and laugh and laugh and laugh. I like that he is a great dad and love knowing that if he's missing something in his M that he is filling by being with me, which then enables him to be content at home.

 

And I truly want him to be happy and have stopped worrying about stuff that doesn't concern or involve me. If he has an OOW or an OOOW (ala Tiger...lol) it wouldn't even phase me. We practice safe sex and really, as long as he comes over when I need him, why get upset? At the end of the day he's really not my problem.

 

So long as he keeps his W happy at home, is a provider, a good dad, makes her feel loved & special and he stays discreet, as I plan to, then we'll just enjoy what we have for as long as we can. And when it ends, we are all adults, we just move on. I get it now.

Edited December 19, 2009 by atlnay

[jj33]

Maybe you can do it but there is a 99%+ chance that you are rationalizing. You know you dont have a future, but you miss him so you have convinced yourself you can "handle it".

 

Isnt that where you were for the past however long ou were together? You hoped you could handle it but you couldnt. Now you have cut it off and you arent ready to go through the pain of detaching, so you are looping back again.

 

Essentially you are putting yourself back on the roller coaster.

 

If you can handle it great, but its unlikely given your history with this man. If you were able to handle it, you would never have broken it off.

[jwi71]

"I'm having an A with a MM. I thought about it and changed nothing. Thanks".

 

See...I was able to sum up your post in one sentence.

 

Because, most people are NOT able to separate the physical and emotional aspects. And if you can, is that something to proud of? That, to me, seems "off".

 

Like BB and JJ said...you are kidding yourself. Sounds more like a defensive response than anything else.

[jennie-jennie]

It is what it is, as some OW say. This is a good thing to keep in mind.

 

After 4 years our EMR has stabilized to a very large extent. The intense rollercoasters which were so frequent in the early part of our relationship are gone. Our relationship is evolving like any relationship between two human beings. He talks about divorce, although I am more doubtful than he is that he will ever get there.

 

I want more, but am still happy. I love having him in my life. He is so gentle and caring.

 

We have a deep emotional and sexual connection. I too wonder if you can go from having both to only a sexual connection. What you can work on in my opinion is to be happy with what you have. I agree with that. I never saw any contradiction between enjoying what you have and wanting more.

 

Take care! And good luck!

 

(Interesting to hear that you thought my posts stuck out. I am honored. )

[atlnay]

I'm going to say this as gently as I can, but it may come across as harsh.

 

I think you are kidding yourself in that you are telling yourself that you can back up from an emotional affair to only a sexual one. You are playing games in your mind so that you can withstand NOT having what you really want. You are settling for less than you want and you are playing a mind game with yourself.

 

It's not impossible to do what you are saying but I think the odds are very unlikely. How do you tell your heart to not feel what it already feels? Obviously your heart is already in way over your head or you wouldn't have put yourself through the torment that you already have. I think you are playing a risky game with yourself that will only leave you with more heartbreak.

 

Fair questions, and you actually weren't to harsh

 

The only thing I can compare it to is this. In my mid to late 20's I had a casual sex relationship, with an old friend. When it started, I absolutely could NOT handle it. Didn't know how to separate the sex from the feelings. Somewhere in the middle I saw it for what it was and accepted it. We weren't dating. He wasn't trying to be my boyfriend. He called every few weeks to kick it. I got it. Once I did, my feelings dried up and I could just enjoy the sex. By that point, he caught feelings...lol.

 

My point being. Yes I like my MM, care about him, even love him. But those feelings have nothing to do with the reality of the situation. Accepting that, I can handle the sex. I don't pick up strange people to sleep with. We have a year long relationship & bonds beyond the bedroom, I feel comfortable with him so when I have an urge, for now, I want him.

 

That being said, now that I've managed the emotions with him, I am truly open to meeting others. Which I wasn't honestly doing before. He knows if I meet someone that I want to go to the next level with, me and him will be done, no harm no foul.

 

Gotta get to work, I'll answer the other replies a little later.

[cybersister]

hmm, I do think it is possible to separate emotions from sex. when younger I could do this. I think it is harder as you get older so am interested to see the different takes on this.

Is it maybe that You would miss the sex so keep him on for that until you find something better ?

I can see the temptation to have a safe friend with benefits so you get physical satisfaction and do not jump into bed with the first someone else you meet, until you are sure they are partner material.