hopeless4u Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 I went through the tears(still there) and then that feeling that I'm better than this and I don't need him (still there also) I have know idea where my head is but I do know his head is with his W and I need to move on. I thought, after earlier advice that this is the time to delete all off his txt messages, e mails and photo's. I tried but it just made me cry even more!! Any suggestions, is it to soon? Am I still in denial? I just want to feel better and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I went through the tears(still there) and then that feeling that I'm better than this and I don't need him (still there also) I have know idea where my head is but I do know his head is with his W and I need to move on. I thought, after earlier advice that this is the time to delete all off his txt messages, e mails and photo's. I tried but it just made me cry even more!! Any suggestions, is it to soon? Am I still in denial? I just want to feel better and move on.Even though I'm LC with my MW I got rid of everything....emails, pictures and even gifts. I didn't want the reminders of the past. DO IT!!! get rid of it. I want nothing to remind me of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 If you're not ready to delete texts and emails, voice messages yet .. Start by blocking his email address. Or, create a folder inside your email and move ALL the emails from your inbox to that folder, that way when you open your email you don't see his name. Everyone is different, so do this at your own pace..BUT, in 6 months or a year from now if you still have everything and NC is still in place, then I suggest you delete it all so you can totally move on and heal completely. Link to post Share on other sites
heartbroken1109 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I had a friend delete him from my Facebook and delete all of the pictures and texts from my phone. It has really turned out to be a good thing that they are not easily accesible. I've deleted most emails, but I still kept a few poems he wrote for me. I'm so afraid to get rid of them because of the off chance that he will change his mind. Get everything out of sight...I like the idea of moving everything to a folder, but I may even go as far as to put stuff on a flash drive and tuck it away somewhere. If it is on your computer, it is too tempting to continuously look back and reopen the wound. Good Luck...know you are not alone. It has to get better, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Speaking from experience, it is VERY hard to delete all of the tangible evidence of the relationship. It seems all you have left are those e-mails, texts, etc. BUT, if you don't, you will torture yourself reading them, listening to them, analyzing them, over and over and over...You will look for hidden messages in them. You will think, "If he really felt that way, then why are we at this point today??" You will agonize over them. You will read/listen to them, every single day. It took me over a year to delete all of the old e-mails, but now I wish I had done it much sooner. No one needs to torture themselves that way. It may be too soon for you to do that. Just please don't allow yourself to agonize over words that didn't change your situation at all. Yes, he might have meant them, as I truly believe my MM did, but neither of those men are with us now. It took one night when I was really, really mad to take that final step to delete them, and I admit that I was initially regretful at first the next day. But I was so glad that I had decided to permanently delete them, so there would be no going back the next day! Keep your chin up. I know how hard it is. But even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces, and I thought I would NEVER recover, I did. And you will, too. So my point is all the stuff which you received was all the affair mode stuff. I don't care if it was poems, pictures or emails. If there was any chance of her coming back to me. I want my new life to begin with new pictures, poems and emails. When I looked a pictures its just a nasty reminder of how we were running around people's back hiding our relationship. It sickens me....you will miss it if you do it now...but in the long run you won't find any temptation on going back looking at it. UGH!! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 I went through the tears(still there) and then that feeling that I'm better than this and I don't need him (still there also) I have know idea where my head is but I do know his head is with his W and I need to move on. I thought, after earlier advice that this is the time to delete all off his txt messages, e mails and photo's. I tried but it just made me cry even more!! Any suggestions, is it to soon? Am I still in denial? I just want to feel better and move on. It's never to soon. And what your feeling is very normal here with the tears and wavering back and forth. But, in order to end that.. you need to stand firm and stick by your choice to know longer desire this person to be a part of your life. Think of the things you know for a fact. His head is with his wife.. that right there should be enough for you ro realize he is NOT worth anymore of your time. Time to be strong and move on. It can be done. If I could do it anyone can. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Thanks for all the advice, still haven't managed to delete anything yet though! I did throw some of his clothes out though:) Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 as the others have stated, there is no switch to flip, no magic wand to wave, just you and TIME. I remember posting a heart wrenching thread about it a year or more ago, and even today, if I was to read that, it tears my heart out. I took baby steps. If I wasnt ready to completely throw something away, I just boxed it up and put it out of sight, like in my closet. Then a couple weeks/months later, I would move it to the garage. Then even later, to the trash which made it to the dump... Now, I don't believe I have anything. No cards, letters with false promises, clothes, make up, jewelry, ANYTHING... Take time Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I think it's good advice to take your time with it. I have deleted everything that relates to him off my phone so it is not easily accessible (also so I can't text him in a weak moment). The email account I used with him is a whole separate one from my everyday one so I just haven't logged into that - I do hope to close it soon though, it's just a little too new after 5 days NC yet. I like the thought of putting things on to a pen drive and storing it away to come back to and haul out when you're stronger and further recovered. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Hazy - right now you want to keep the old stuff. When you are fully recovered you wont want it. I would delete it. It sends a strong signal to your psyche that its over and you dont need it. You dont ever need to go back there or to relive the feelings you felt when you got those communications. On the one hand, the end of an A is the same as the end of any other love affair. But for some reason often its not and it haunts some people in one way or another for a long time after it has actually ended. If you really want to sever the ties, then get rid of it. If you put it on a pen drive use a pen drive that only holds that information so its easy to delete or throw away when you are ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I know you are right JJ, but it's hard when it's so fresh. If I log into that account I'll sink because I'll read old messages, poems and stories, and I know I wont be able to delete them. When I'm fully recovered, or even mostly, I will. If H4U can do it now, then that's great - I do see how it would work as a strong message to your psyche. She's doing so well so far but I worry that this might upset her more when it's enough of a struggle to just get through the day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 I know you are right JJ, but it's hard when it's so fresh. If I log into that account I'll sink because I'll read old messages, poems and stories, and I know I wont be able to delete them. When I'm fully recovered, or even mostly, I will. If H4U can do it now, then that's great - I do see how it would work as a strong message to your psyche. She's doing so well so far but I worry that this might upset her more when it's enough of a struggle to just get through the day. Thanks HH, you're right, its just so hard. I haven't been reading anything but I know if I do it will break me. I was keeping busy today, cleaning and stuff. I should be finishing off the painting in the kitchen but as soon as I started to get the stuff out (most of it his as he was doing the work in the kitchen) the tears just started again! I decided to sort the big cupboard out and came across his decorating clothes, took a deep breath and threw them in the garden bin!! It felt good but then the tears came again!! I'm beginning to worry how work will be tomorrow, if he turns up at the office (he has in the past) I'm not sure I will be able to hold it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 as the others have stated, there is no switch to flip, no magic wand to wave, just you and TIME. I remember posting a heart wrenching thread about it a year or more ago, and even today, if I was to read that, it tears my heart out. I took baby steps. If I wasnt ready to completely throw something away, I just boxed it up and put it out of sight, like in my closet. Then a couple weeks/months later, I would move it to the garage. Then even later, to the trash which made it to the dump... Now, I don't believe I have anything. No cards, letters with false promises, clothes, make up, jewelry, ANYTHING... Take time I think baby steps are the way forward SD, maybe 1 txt a day to start with. I'll start with the one's that don't end in 'I love you' and work my way through. Oh if there was a switch eh, life would be sweet!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Aww, H4U, I can imagine that the kitchen work would be really difficult. Good on you for throwing those clothes away. I have this vision of me, if I had found them, walking around wearing them :-/ (I'm kidding. I hope.) I had to get rid of all the texts because I kept looking at them, looking for clues of what was coming. They're more difficult to cope with because of how available they are. In a way, I think you are better getting rid of the 'I love you' ones first. Chin up chuck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2009 Author Share Posted December 20, 2009 Aww, H4U, I can imagine that the kitchen work would be really difficult. Good on you for throwing those clothes away. I have this vision of me, if I had found them, walking around wearing them :-/ (I'm kidding. I hope.) I had to get rid of all the texts because I kept looking at them, looking for clues of what was coming. They're more difficult to cope with because of how available they are. In a way, I think you are better getting rid of the 'I love you' ones first. Chin up chuck! Ha ha, it did cross my mind!! so sad I know:o I thought I would keep going over and over the txt messages, I have done in the past but this time I've not for some reason. I think once Wednesday is over and I know there is no chance of seeing him til after new year I will feel some relief, I'm dreading work tomorrow. I really don't think he will break NC with txt or calls because I truly believe he is giving his W 100%, this was always our plan we just couldn't go NC without 1 of us giving in before so being caught isn't such a bad thing, at least now he has to face up to things and she knows the truth(or his truth, but better than no truth I guess). I just worry that he will use work as an excuse to see me and tell himself that its OK because its work. I still had access to his calender on Friday, he has locked me out of that in the past so maybe he will do again but if not at least I know when to expect him in my office. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 OK, I am making progress, I know I am... But let me tell you ALL what it has been like here for me lately.. I have house that I moved into a little over a year ago.. SHE was here all of the time, "helping" get the house where WE wanted it.. We worked in the yard alot last spring to get it into shape, and we did.. NOW, today, Spring is this week, and I will be doing it ALONE, but remembering everything that WE did together.. I am not good with all of the planters, flowers etc.. SHE was... Inside the house, I am STILL painting, getting furniture, installing dimmer switches (that SHE wanted), etc.. I have to look at all of the things that WE bought together.. You just can't throw away paintings and furniture... Just this past weekend, I boxed up ALL of her stuff.. I have NEVER cried so much or so hard in my life... I felt like I was "quitting on her", which I guess I am, but still an "ugly" feeling.. I cleaned out HER drawers, HER closet, took pictures or HER children off the fridge, put away HER pictures, cleaned out HER vanity , including her toothbrush, her hairbrush, her makeup, her perfume, her tampons, etc... This was just yesterday.... So, I AM making progress, but I am no where near closure.... And what I think makes this so much harder is that these are things that I DID NOT want to do, I want this stuff to stay, forever.. BECAUSE I LOVE HER Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I still have most of the emails from my xAP. And I will say that I am, for the most part, over him. We don't talk, I rarely even think about him. I was questioning myself the other day why I still have them. I've always said that I wanted to remember that I was once loved like that. But I think there's something else... I think deep down I want to keep them in case the A ever comes to light and he denies it, or tries to change it to make me sound like the pursuer. I don't know. Either way, I still have the stuff. Never read it, but I have it. Removing him as a facebook friend was by far the best move I made. And I did move all of his emails from one account to a new one and closed the other one. I think one day I'll get rid of them. But as stampdaddy said, it all takes time. Healing takes an incredible amount of time. But you'll get there. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I don't know if this will help, although the thing that keeps running through my head is this man does not know what love is. We hang on to what we perceive to be love. "Love" does not do what this man did....we think we will be loved...this is what abusers count on. It will take time.... For me, it has taken a long time, and a lot of abuse to understand that the entire relationship was an illusion...none of this has been easy and the abuse and reality of the abuse almost took my own life.... I understand this is no game and he played me as if I was and I was to him...these are very evil people that play with other peoples lives....they need to be avoided like the plague. This is why I took the stand in two situations not to have communication with the other spouse, getting thrown under the bus and realizing that this IS the truth is quite enough, whether it be W or OW. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I just worry that he will use work as an excuse to see me and tell himself that its OK because its work. I still had access to his calender on Friday, he has locked me out of that in the past so maybe he will do again but if not at least I know when to expect him in my office. You can count on him using the job as a means to the A....the fact is....if you really want him out of your life you can make that happen...if you don't, you could be throwing your own self under the bus. The hardest thing to realize is that if he wanted, and I mean REALLY wanted a R with you he would be with you, and no excuses at all...nothing would hold him back....he made his choice... I hope he doesn't pull you into his drama again.... Link to post Share on other sites
heartbroken1109 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 The hardest thing to realize is that if he wanted, and I mean REALLY wanted a R with you he would be with you, and no excuses at all...nothing would hold him back....he made his choice... .... This is really what it all boils down to; very well said. It is hard to accept their choices sometimes, but if he really wanted to be with you, he would find a way. I am a strong believer in "where there is a will there is a way." It isn't always easy, but if he believed you were the love of his life, he'd do whatever it took to stand by you. I know it's hard to hear...I'm in the same place and have to keep repeating it to myself. I want a man who loves me enough to walk through fire to be with me. Afterall, I'd do that for my man. You deserve the same! Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 I say you don't forget the memories. You can't just cross out and delete a portion of your life. Our A's happened ... and they are / were a part of who we are. My advice - get busy and get involved. Not in a relationship per se, just get out of the house and get moving. The more I do this - the less time I have to think of the 'what ifs' ... Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 21, 2009 Author Share Posted December 21, 2009 Thank you to everyone and I am really taking everything on board. SD, thank you so much. I am writing a new thread, you will all realise when you read it why I've not said much here. Link to post Share on other sites
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