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Whos place is it to tell


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I here alot of you saying it is not your place to tell the OP you are having an affair with their mate that they did nothing to hurt you and you do not want to hurt them.I do not understand why not tell you have already shown you can hurt them.I want to know I would think more of you if you told and gave me the reasons why I have been treated bad so I could move on and find what I need.Is it because your affraid he will pick his wife or what?If they dont tell its because they want their cake and eat it to a person that loves someone will move mountains to be with them.I need the truth to move on and you need the end for you to move on so help me to know the truth and you can have him but of course as far as belongings he or she gets half.The person who made the commitment should tell but most of the time they dont.I care for you all because your feelings are you,but dont be affraid of the truth just because we lied.I just want to know so that way im not wrong to go on.I dont hate you please dont hate me.

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It isn’t my place to tell the BW. I’ve always said the M is between MM and W. The A is between MM and me. I’m not the one the W should be asking questions to. The “whys” could only be answered by her and her H. If she wants to know why I would be involved with a MM, there’ll really be no point in answering. It wouldn’t make her feel any better or give her the answers she’s looking for in reality so why should I bother. It would probably only hurt her more. I don’t think any answers she receives from either of us would be what she’s looking for or anything to alleviate the pain. Really, what could be said? If the H can’t be honest after being caught than that alone should tell her something. Also, not to sound mean, but I feel like my loyalty is to the H not her. I wouldn’t feel obligated to tell her anything especially at my MM’s expense (sans screwing me over). I really don’t think there’s any need for my involvement as the OW. The BS is always saying the M is none of the OW’s business. I’d like to keep it that way. As for the OW already hurting the BS by participating in the A, again, that lies on the responsible of the guy who said “I do”. Yes, I was a party to the A that hurt the W, but I didn’t call her up and say “hey, I’m f*cking your H”. So, no, I didn’t already hurt her. And I don’t intend on hurting her. I don’t intended on breaking up her family or stealing her H. I’d like his W to never even know about the A, therefore sparing her the pain.

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It's interesting in these types of situations the BW thinks the OW owes them something...I took the rap for all of it and it was only an EA...MM left an email up that I had just written him telling him to leave me the **** alone because YOU ARE MARRIED, you have no business talking to me at all....from this email and him leaving his info up the W got all my info and had her kids questioning and threatening me.

 

I was the one remorseful and guilt ridden and that jerk kept on and on...now I realize that it was not me at all, it was him...he was M, not me.

 

Some BW's act as if they own the men....when a man cheats that speaks volumns...I don't buy the "men will be men" thing....there is a severing that takes place during cheating....the man was ready to cheat, if not with one it will be with another....it doesn't "just happen"....the guy has purposed in his heart long before...if you don't cheat with him he will find someone else...this is why talking with the "OW" is pointless.

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That kinda hits home, for me. Reading your posts has me thinking 'god, should I tell?' I have always felt it not my place as the OW to do so, and if he is determined to keep it secret I'd have a fight on my hands anyway. There have been times when I've thought that if I did tell it would get me out of this whole messed up situation and he would be forced to leave me and work on his m, which in a lot of ways would make it so much easier to move on. That's a selfish reason, I know, but then I think of how I would feel, being the BS, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I also wouldn't want to do anything to hurt the man I still love. I have no idea what the right answer is. It's plays on my mind all the time.

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bentnotbroken

Truth is always the right thing. To continue to keep silent is equal to helping to keep the lie going.

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But what if the BS really doesn't know anything? He has made so many plans to leave her and now the whole thing makes me feel sick. I know that sounds hypocritical given that I willingly participated in this, but I want to own my part now and I don't feel that in all this secrecy, I can. It's eating me up but I still think it's not my place.

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It's his business to tell her. Whether or not a BS realizes it the WS is the one with the answers...what is the OW going to say that will make a difference?

 

My xMMs W read 6 months worth of our emails on DDay...she took him back. Believe me...there was nothing for her to ask me at that point in time...she knew EVERYTHING. She knew how often he said he loved me...she knew I was in her home...she knew he pursued me...she knew that 90% of what was arranged between us was arranged by him.

 

If she were to call me now and be told of him consistently and gradually increasing instances of breaking NC...

 

What I'm saying is this...you can go to the OW, but as someone mentioned they don't have the answers. The answers in the M are between the two of you. If you want details and want to know what was said about you then go to the OW...if you want to drill down to the problems with the marriage or the two of you...ask him.

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torranceshipman
Truth is always the right thing. To continue to keep silent is equal to helping to keep the lie going.

 

I 100% agree with this..

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I think truth hurts for a while....

 

Lies hurt for a lifetime.

 

How does anyone know with true certainty if they are being told the truth, whether from a lover, a spouse, a friend?

 

We can't.

 

But I would want to know in any way shape or form I could get the truth. So I could make informed decisions which are best for me.

 

OW/OM, wouldn't you want to know if there was another OW/OM having a relationship with your married partner?

 

Would you trust your MM or MW to tell you the complete truth of a deceptive relationship you knew nothing about?

 

Or would you feel the OOW or OOM had a responsibility to tell you the truth? Would you try to contact them?

 

What would your expectations be?

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Sorry for the TJ, but this thread is really helping me with one of my biggest issues. I don't know his wife personally. But, I do know she has been driven crazy with suspicion, at one point moving out for a bit to get her head around one of his stories. It's this that is now making me feel so guilty. Would I feel even guiltier for telling? I don't know. I suspect it would. At the moment part of it might be triggered by the current NC, and it really isn't anything I'd want to do with any shred of anger. I still think it's not my place and the guilt is just something I'll have to live with. I know, it's the least I deserve. I just want the situation over. And by that, I don't mean for him to be free so that he can be with me. I'm done. I need to move on. If, and it's a big if, I did tell I am thinking that it would also tear our relationship apart once and for all.

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The consensus seems to be: no one.

 

The WS sure as hell won't tell (rarely do they) given the fact they are lying and cheating.

 

The OM/OW won't either for any number of justifications...some evidenced above.

 

So whose place is it? Obviously, the only people who CAN tell are the ones that know with all others are denied that chance because they don't KNOW to tell. With only two people involved...which of those two should tell?

 

My answer: the OM/OW. Because the WS is by definition lying to the spouse only the OM/OW (who is an equal partner btw) CAN do it. It is up to the OM/OW to inform.

 

Sadly, with the lack of integrity being shown by the AP's the BS is usually NEVER told...instead they "figure it out".

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I would want to know, from any party. But I'm a confront things type of person and not everybody is. I think I should leave it for a while, see if he tells her himself, although I think that's highly unlikely.

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I don't think it's wise to always tell the truth in every situation. I think a person should speak with kindness, love and compassion to others. Even if they have to lie at times.

 

Intent, the situation and possible effects are what should be considered.

 

What is your intent behind telling? Is it because you are interested in his wife's best interest? I think not -- for obvious reasons. Is it to make him go away? Can't you make that decision yourself without telling anyone by walking away yourself?

 

Not everyone would want to know if their spouse is having an affair. I don't think I would -- especially, if it ended, he regretted it and chose to be with me. That's just my feelings and I realize there are others who feel differently.

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This is a tough answer sometimes the ow/om motives are wrong for telling the BS the truth.

 

I was the one who told my XW about my A,and I would not have had it any other way.

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IMO, someone who is being lied to should be told the truth. I don't care who tells them. A BS should know so that he or she can makes decisions based on the truth in their lives.

 

When you are asking "whose place?", I have to say both the MM and the OW are past the proper manners stage of things. Neither of you are doing the right thing. So does it really matter who tells the betrayed at this point?

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It isn’t my place to tell the BW. I’ve always said the M is between MM and W. The A is between MM and me. I’m not the one the W should be asking questions to. The “whys” could only be answered by her and her H. If she wants to know why I would be involved with a MM, there’ll really be no point in answering. It wouldn’t make her feel any better or give her the answers she’s looking for in reality so why should I bother. It would probably only hurt her more. I don’t think any answers she receives from either of us would be what she’s looking for or anything to alleviate the pain. Really, what could be said? If the H can’t be honest after being caught than that alone should tell her something. Also, not to sound mean, but I feel like my loyalty is to the H not her. I wouldn’t feel obligated to tell her anything especially at my MM’s expense (sans screwing me over). I really don’t think there’s any need for my involvement as the OW. The BS is always saying the M is none of the OW’s business. I’d like to keep it that way. As for the OW already hurting the BS by participating in the A, again, that lies on the responsible of the guy who said “I do”. Yes, I was a party to the A that hurt the W, but I didn’t call her up and say “hey, I’m f*cking your H”. So, no, I didn’t already hurt her. And I don’t intend on hurting her. I don’t intended on breaking up her family or stealing her H. I’d like his W to never even know about the A, therefore sparing her the pain.

 

Amen.

 

It's not my marriage.

 

It's not my relationship.

 

I'm not the one responsible for the problems in their marriage. I may have exacerbated them, no question, but there is the likelihood that I - as hard as it may be to accept - am interchangeable.

 

Particularly if you don't have a pre-existing relationship with the spouse... If you do, and therefore you were also betraying that friendship, the answer might be diff't.

 

Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish and then ask yourself whether it is really likely to be accomplished through your actions.

 

Who are you to decide what is best for the spouse of someone you've slept with? Do you really think that relationship entitles you, let alone qualifies you, to decide? If you wanted what was best for them (not to sound like a BS, because I understand that these things happen), then you shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place, or cut it off as soon as you were aware of the situation. But you probably didn't. You were selfish. Well, telling the spouse is also being selfish.

 

So not your place. So not your business.

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Not everyone would want to know if their spouse is having an affair. I don't think I would -- especially, if it ended, he regretted it and chose to be with me. That's just my feelings and I realize there are others who feel differently.

 

And even if you would want to know (and frankly, sometimes you don't know you didn't want to know until it was too late) would you really want the person who f-ed your spouse to be the one to tell you? What are you going to do, give pointers on how to make them scream in bed?

 

I've made clear to those I am with who may have transgressed in the past with others that I don't expect them to change their stripes because they are with me. While I expect they might stray, I was also clear that I don't want to know about it, necessarily either. However, I did say that IF I were to ask about something or someone, I would want them to be honest with me. And that if I were foolish enough to ask, then I would have to live with the consequences of what they told me.

 

Now that doesn't mean that I will stay with them if they stray. I won't know how I will cross that bridge until I am there. (And as discussed ad nauseum there are a variety of different affairs - some with emotional attachements, some without; some with sex, some without, so the answer could be different for each of those). But I can say that I accept my lover for who she is rather than force her to try and be someone who she is not and fail. And if I can't love her for who she is, then perhaps she's not the person I'm supposed to be with. At least not seriously.

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I appreciate your opinions, normally, mine would be the same: not the place of the OP. I was just being honest (I know - contrary), in that I think about it sometimes, and whether it is the right thing to do. If I was a BS it would make me feel sick to hear it from the person who has been running around with my spouse behind my back and being complicit in his double life. But I would rather them than no-one. I know that deep down I don't have the heart, or maybe it's a lack of courage. I read on another thread just before someone say that it sucks to find out you lack integrity, and that's how I feel now.

 

I want to be done with it all, and yes Samantha, I can make that decision myself and walk away. It's what I'm trying to do. But I'm looking behind me and seeing pain which I've been a party to causing, as well as the pain I'm carrying myself. That's the path I chose I guess. His marriage is his responsibility and despite everything, as was said earlier, my loyalty is still to him.

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'I would want to know, from any party. But I'm a confront things type of person and not everybody is.' Hazyhead

I think this is important - we are not all confront type people.

 

And I think it is so up to the BS whether they want to hear from the OM/OW. Really, they already know that there is a problem. Truth is very important, but the weighting of which truth we are relying on is key. Because we all interpret things, don't we?

 

I guess I am saying that if the WS is saying they were wrong and in a fog, then what can the OP tell them? That it was love, magical? The xAP has already told them it was fog if they want to lie, or put them through **** if they told the truth.

 

What can the OP add? I really think the number of times they had sex is so unimportant.

 

I would love to tell my xMOM's BS everything. Nothing would give me more pleasure right now. I don't know why I feel that, but I know it's wrong. I want her to know how madly in love we were, how great the sex was, how loveless our Ms. I want her to know all these things because I think if she were a reasonable person, she would then say 'oh, I see. You had something so important I should understand and/or step aside'.

 

However, I imagine she wants to tell me that their 15 years of marriage means she knows him far better than I ever will, that they are mother and father together, that only they will laugh at their children's jokes the way they do, that he's a weak liar but she accepts him, that even though they both doubted love, they are in a concrete union that it will take more than the likes of me to break. That I am a **** for contemplating it. That I should say 'oh, I see. You had something so important I should understand and/or step aside'.

 

In short, if honesty comes to bear, out feelings conflict so greatly that I cannot see how BS and MM/MW can help one another. It's all up to the WS.

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