Jump to content

Having a hard time letting go . . .


Quixotic Dreamer

Recommended Posts

Quixotic Dreamer

Hello all :) I wanted to share my story and ask for your support and/or comments. I am a married woman, having an affair with a married man. Neither of us intended or set out to cheat on our spouses, and we both would have laughed at the notion when we first met - but now we find ourselves in the middle of this mess.

 

I am a terrible liar, and as such, my husband is now aware of the affair. He is willing to forgive me, and wants to fight for our marriage, and I feel like I owe him that. However, I am having a really hard time breaking the contact with the other man. Thankfully we do not live in the same area, and the majority of our affair has been over long distance and more "emotional" than physical. But we have met on two occassions, and our affair did also become physical.

 

I fell out of love with my husband a long time ago, and I made several attempts to "fix" things and even suggested counselling, but he seemed unwilling to change some of the core issues that were affecting our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that I have some things that I myself need to change for it to work as well. We would fight about something, come up with a plan to "fix" it, and then never follow through with our plan. So now that he has learned of my affair, he seems completely ready to change and do whatever it takes to make it work. We are currently going through marriage counselling with a pastor at our church, and I know that I should give him a full hearted, 100% effort to save our marriage. But I can't seem to allow myself to let go of the relationship I have with the "other married man."

 

The reason I can't seem to let go is because I fell in love with him. There are some who might say that I am confusing lust with love, or that I have romanticized the relationship, but I honestly cannot stop thinking about him. Nearly everything I do makes me think about him, and nearly every song on the radio relates to us in some way. When my husband tries to kiss me, I think of him. And I cannot IMAGINE what would be going through my head if/when my husband and I were ever to be sexually intimate again. When we (the other man and I) took our relationship to the physical level, we had fit together so incredibly well, and it was honestly the best I'd ever experienced. The reality was even better than the fantasy.

 

So we haven't completely broken contact yet, although we tried it one day, and it didn't last but 12 hours or so. Is Cold Turkey really the only way?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Flabbergaster

Don't have answers for you, sorry...but I so have empathy and support.

 

You're in a very confusing and painful spot. You're not the only one that's been there, you will get through this. It will feel better.

 

Whether it is lust or love doesn't change the way it feels at the moment, and doesn't take away the pain / fear from moving on. You're probably going to need to suspend your feelings a little bit, to get through this.

 

Some here will say "go NC, and try to work it out with your husband."

Please ignore those who shout Mean Things about your moral character, what this does to your husband, etc.

If you read on this board, you'll see a lot of discussion about the "very powerful" feelings between APs. Did you have this "can't stop thinking about him" feeling with people you dated in the past, or is this something unique to the affair? If unique...is it because of him, or the affair?

 

What will happen if you divorce? Will this other man leave his wife and become available? More likely...he'll stay with her. You'll still have these painful "I need him!!" feelings, but they'll be worse, because you will be available and he won't be.

 

I would definitely start with the counseling, while you figure things out.

You might want to get separate counseling for yourself...but not religious based.

 

I really hope you find answers.

Link to post
Share on other sites

hI Dreamer,

 

I am a BW.

 

Have you told your H about your still strong feelings for MM?

 

If not, I encourage you to do so.

 

My H and I spent 8 months trying to make things work...something was not right though, i could feel it. i asked him MANY times, "are you or were you in love with her?" he always denied it adamently.

 

We could never get any traction in our recovery and i was going crazy wondering why that was.

 

Finally, last week, he came clean: He was in love with her- told her so, couldn;t stop thinking of her etc.

 

I was devastated (still am). But also relieved. B/c FINALLY after 8 months of him lieing to me and himself, NOW I had the full picture.

 

I wish he'd told me sooner. At least TOGETHER we could have faced it. By keeping the secret of his love for her from me, while still mourning that loss alone, it just kept us apart emotionally, and kept them closer.

 

After reading so many of these stories on LS, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot MAKE him stop thinking about her, wanting to talk with her etc etc...they had an intense R (as most As are) and just turning that off has to be so difficult. I have spent this whole day NC with my own H (even though he contacted me via email) and it was KILLING me to not talk with or communicate with him somehow...b/c I love him.

 

It really doesn't matter if the love you have for MM is true love or affair love or some Fd up form of love etc etc..if you think it was love, then it was love....you may at some later time come to the understanding that it was a twisted, unhealthy love; or you may find it was the real deal...only time will tell.

 

My H and i are now separated. And tonite I am going to tell him to please do have as much contact w/ her as possible. But as for me, we need to be NC.

 

It seems NC fuels the desire of APs who are in love- or who think they are..I have read too many stores of how after soem time the APs realize, oh crap, what the hell was I thinking! That was anything BUT love, but that is beside the point- RIGHT NOW it is 'in love'.

 

So if you tell your H, it will hurt him, but it will hurt him more to find out this is yet another secret.

 

Keeping secrets FROM one another kills intimacy between partners; sharing secrets WITH one another fuels intimacy.

 

Share this with your H if you want to save your M.

 

just my 2Cents

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your marriage doesn't have a shot in heck until you go full on NC mode with your exMM. You won't be able to connect sexually, let alone emotionally with your husband until you cut xMM out of your life forever..

 

Seek counselling to help you cope, if need be..

 

But, you did say you fell out of love with your husband. Do you want to fall back inlove with him? Or would you be better off divorcing and being alone, finding love with someone else, allowing your H to find love again with someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
hI Dreamer,

 

I am a BW.

 

Have you told your H about your still strong feelings for MM?

 

If not, I encourage you to do so.

 

My H and I spent 8 months trying to make things work...something was not right though, i could feel it. i asked him MANY times, "are you or were you in love with her?" he always denied it adamently.

 

We could never get any traction in our recovery and i was going crazy wondering why that was.

 

Finally, last week, he came clean: He was in love with her- told her so, couldn;t stop thinking of her etc.

 

I was devastated (still am). But also relieved. B/c FINALLY after 8 months of him lieing to me and himself, NOW I had the full picture.

 

I wish he'd told me sooner. At least TOGETHER we could have faced it. By keeping the secret of his love for her from me, while still mourning that loss alone, it just kept us apart emotionally, and kept them closer.

 

After reading so many of these stories on LS, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot MAKE him stop thinking about her, wanting to talk with her etc etc...they had an intense R (as most As are) and just turning that off has to be so difficult. I have spent this whole day NC with my own H (even though he contacted me via email) and it was KILLING me to not talk with or communicate with him somehow...b/c I love him.

 

It really doesn't matter if the love you have for MM is true love or affair love or some Fd up form of love etc etc..if you think it was love, then it was love....you may at some later time come to the understanding that it was a twisted, unhealthy love; or you may find it was the real deal...only time will tell.

 

My H and i are now separated. And tonite I am going to tell him to please do have as much contact w/ her as possible. But as for me, we need to be NC.

 

It seems NC fuels the desire of APs who are in love- or who think they are..I have read too many stores of how after soem time the APs realize, oh crap, what the hell was I thinking! That was anything BUT love, but that is beside the point- RIGHT NOW it is 'in love'.

 

So if you tell your H, it will hurt him, but it will hurt him more to find out this is yet another secret.

 

Keeping secrets FROM one another kills intimacy between partners; sharing secrets WITH one another fuels intimacy.

 

Share this with your H if you want to save your M.

 

just my 2Cents

 

this is a great post and well said.

 

Affair love is f'ed up love, and rarely turns into real love.

Once you let your cheater go, they always come running back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello all :) I wanted to share my story and ask for your support and/or comments. I am a married woman, having an affair with a married man. Neither of us intended or set out to cheat on our spouses, and we both would have laughed at the notion when we first met - but now we find ourselves in the middle of this mess.

 

I am a terrible liar, and as such, my husband is now aware of the affair. He is willing to forgive me, and wants to fight for our marriage, and I feel like I owe him that. However, I am having a really hard time breaking the contact with the other man. Thankfully we do not live in the same area, and the majority of our affair has been over long distance and more "emotional" than physical. But we have met on two occassions, and our affair did also become physical.

 

I fell out of love with my husband a long time ago, and I made several attempts to "fix" things and even suggested counselling, but he seemed unwilling to change some of the core issues that were affecting our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that I have some things that I myself need to change for it to work as well. We would fight about something, come up with a plan to "fix" it, and then never follow through with our plan. So now that he has learned of my affair, he seems completely ready to change and do whatever it takes to make it work. We are currently going through marriage counselling with a pastor at our church, and I know that I should give him a full hearted, 100% effort to save our marriage. But I can't seem to allow myself to let go of the relationship I have with the "other married man."

 

The reason I can't seem to let go is because I fell in love with him. There are some who might say that I am confusing lust with love, or that I have romanticized the relationship, but I honestly cannot stop thinking about him. Nearly everything I do makes me think about him, and nearly every song on the radio relates to us in some way. When my husband tries to kiss me, I think of him. And I cannot IMAGINE what would be going through my head if/when my husband and I were ever to be sexually intimate again. When we (the other man and I) took our relationship to the physical level, we had fit together so incredibly well, and it was honestly the best I'd ever experienced. The reality was even better than the fantasy.

 

So we haven't completely broken contact yet, although we tried it one day, and it didn't last but 12 hours or so. Is Cold Turkey really the only way?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

How can you love someone you barely know? If you really aren't going to focus on your marriage and BREAK ALL contact with the MM, you owe it to your H to be truthful that you are not in love with him nor are you willing to let go of the MM.

 

Maybe your H telling this guys wife might help?

Link to post
Share on other sites
WhereToGoFromHere

Wow...so many similarities as my situation. I'm MM in an EA with a MW. Yes I'm in love with my AP and not with my W. I've tried just as you to 'fix' things in my M for many years and just like you nothing ever followed through. My W knows about the EA now as does her H. Both are willing to fight to save things and my W has made several changes to show me that. I know I should try to work with my W to save things. My W knows how I feel about my AP.

 

I don't have any advice. I guess what I offer is support that you are not alone. This is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. Letting go of a relationship that is as powerful as this, especially when you don't want to, is devastating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It is a difficult situation. I can empathize also and I'm sorry for what you are experiencing.

 

I don't have any advice. I guess what I offer is support that you are not alone. This is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. Letting go of a relationship that is as powerful as this, especially when you don't want to, is devastating.

 

It is. I can't offer any advice either. I wonder how many times a WS or OM/OW ends up getting what they think they desire, only to find out it wasn't what they wanted? Or how many times that happens and the WS ends up pining for what they gave up -- their husband/wife and family?

 

It's a frightening situation.

 

Have you received any individual counseling from a psychologist?

 

NC is the way to go if you want to end the relationship with your OM. You don't sound like you're sure you do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello all :) I wanted to share my story and ask for your support and/or comments. I am a married woman, having an affair with a married man. Neither of us intended or set out to cheat on our spouses, and we both would have laughed at the notion when we first met - but now we find ourselves in the middle of this mess.

 

I am a terrible liar, and as such, my husband is now aware of the affair. He is willing to forgive me, and wants to fight for our marriage, and I feel like I owe him that. However, I am having a really hard time breaking the contact with the other man. Thankfully we do not live in the same area, and the majority of our affair has been over long distance and more "emotional" than physical. But we have met on two occassions, and our affair did also become physical.

 

I fell out of love with my husband a long time ago, and I made several attempts to "fix" things and even suggested counselling, but he seemed unwilling to change some of the core issues that were affecting our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that I have some things that I myself need to change for it to work as well. We would fight about something, come up with a plan to "fix" it, and then never follow through with our plan. So now that he has learned of my affair, he seems completely ready to change and do whatever it takes to make it work. We are currently going through marriage counselling with a pastor at our church, and I know that I should give him a full hearted, 100% effort to save our marriage. But I can't seem to allow myself to let go of the relationship I have with the "other married man."

 

The reason I can't seem to let go is because I fell in love with him. There are some who might say that I am confusing lust with love, or that I have romanticized the relationship, but I honestly cannot stop thinking about him. Nearly everything I do makes me think about him, and nearly every song on the radio relates to us in some way. When my husband tries to kiss me, I think of him. And I cannot IMAGINE what would be going through my head if/when my husband and I were ever to be sexually intimate again. When we (the other man and I) took our relationship to the physical level, we had fit together so incredibly well, and it was honestly the best I'd ever experienced. The reality was even better than the fantasy.

 

So we haven't completely broken contact yet, although we tried it one day, and it didn't last but 12 hours or so. Is Cold Turkey really the only way?

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Oh my, I feel your pain. I am an xMOW who was in an A for a year. Many similarities as far as being disconnected with my spouse for a long time prior to the A. It was extremely difficult for me to let my xMM go. We struggled for five months on and off after our spouses found out. Finally, I sent the email and deleted the account, maintained NC for 4months. During those four months, my M did improve, however, I continued to think about my xMM often and miss him. At first, it was easy for me to tell my H about still having feelings for xMM, but after a while I could no longer tell him.

 

I felt obligated to stay and try to reconcile but my heart was not in alignment. Like you, I tried so hard for over a year to 'fix' things in my M without effort from my H. You will most likely hold some resentments and anger for that and have to work extremely hard to rid those emotions toward your spouse. It is not easy, you may feel as if you are trading the joy and love received in the A for the emotionally distant M. Do your best to initiate NC with your MM in order to put forth more effort. Many will say that if you love your H and wanted your M, you would drop the MM immediately. It did not happen that way for me and revealed to my H initially how I could not just turn my feelings on and off. I had been emotionally involved for a year with someone else. Because of this, I also asked my H if he wanted me to leave, just did not seem fair to him for me to be halfway at home.

 

It will be a difficult journey but you will get through. I hope you are in IC and MC. Take care, you have my support.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Quixotic Dreamer

Hello again :) Thank you all so much for the posts. It really does help and it means a lot to me.

 

I just wanted to let you all know that I have been honest with my H about my feelings for the OMM. It really hurts him, but at least he understands my reluctance. I have also warned him that it is going to take some time for me to mourn the loss of a very intense relationship, as well as the loss of a friend.

 

As far as what would happen if my H and I were to divorce, I honestly have no clue. I have not asked the OMM that question, because well, I'm afraid of the answer, either way. If he told me that he would leave his wife, I'm afraid that I would just pick everything up right now and go to him, but I would never know if I could have saved my marriage. Also, I can't imagine the pain and damage that would cause my 2 yr old daughter. If he told me no, he would not leave his wife, then the pain of that rejection would hurt me more than not knowing the answer. I do know that he is really struggling with the NC, and that he has at least thought about a real future with me.

 

It's strange, but it pretty much feels like he and I were meant to be together, but the timing is way off. Or maybe the affair was "meant" to happen. Our chance meeting, our similarities and a TON of other coincidences all seem to point to a higher cause. Now whether fate intended on us being in each others lives as a wake up call for us each to fix our marriages, or if we were truely meant to be together, only time will tell. In the meantime, the right thing to do is to give my marriage another chance. If I truely give it 100% (which can only happen if I let go of the OMM) and it still fails, at least I know that I sincerely tried. If at that time the OM is available (and ONLY if he is available, because I do not want to be in THAT situation) then maybe the timing would be right, who knows?

 

*Sigh* It's easy to put it all down on paper, but the actual execution of it in reality is quite different. Today I told the OM that I need to break contact, and that I need him to be strong enough not to return any calls or texts that may slip in here or there during moments of weakness. He asked the same of me and warned me that he will more than likely slip up occassionally. He wished me luck and we agreed that someday (WAY down the road) we would catch up as friends. I cried for what seemed like hours afterwards, and I am crying again as I write this.

 

So I guess now I try to keep myself busy, and try to direct my thoughts towards my H instead of the OM, and hopefully someday I won't have to make such a conscious effort to do so. Maybe I can fall in love with my H again and never think of anyone else . . .

Link to post
Share on other sites
heartbroken1109

I would highly recommend cold turkey--otherwise, he will continue to interfere in your marriage. I was in a similar situation last year...came clean with now xH and attempted to repair my marriage even though I didn't love my H. I had fallen deeply in love with MM. We continued to communicate via email after a brief period of NC. One thing led to another, and we ended up back together. I left my H and thought we had a future together. He separated for a while and went back to his W. I have often thought if I had forced the issue of NC, then I wouldn't be alone now. My marriage had serious issues, but perhaps I should have salvaged it. Just beware if you continue to remain in contact with him that it is likely to cost you your marriage, and I've learned the hard way that even the best of MM won't stand by you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Spoiled,

 

Were you and your husband able to get past everything, or is it still a work in progress?

 

 

Still work. We recently had a discussion in regards to my increasing discouragement for our M. All of the things I requested from my H three years ago are now priority for him since d-day. But I am not responding well. IC seems to think my guilt and shame are also contributing to the emotional barrier. Was totally honest about not feeling as if I am giving 100% and working as hard as I should to regain trust. Yet he still wants me here vs. separation. There is so much within myself I need to improve.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds silly but seriously do this.

*Take some time alone with no interruptions, no emails open, no chat box open, no people around and sit alone. Make a list 2 pages. Husband one page, MM other page. Front of each page, what is good. Really think about this, not what others think may be good, but in your heart what do you think is good about that person and the relationship you have built with that person. Back of each page, what is bad. Compare the 2. Sometimes when the heart is involved you cannot think clearly so looking at it in a logical, point blank manner may help. Who is better for you, what is better for you? (then burn those papers but never forget what you wrote and read)

*also some other advice from my point of view. Based on what I have read on LS and my experience of being the mow with a mm, if the 2 of you really want to be together, why not set a date for leaving your marriages. Same time etc. Seems the women always leave first then get left hanging. But you cannot push it on either side, if neither of you are really ready to leave your marriages, then nc really is the best thing for you.

If you 2 were just screwing it would be another issue, but feelings are involved and the pain is evident. To stop the pain, you have to remove the source of the pain... then you can heal.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It_Is_What_It_Is

Outofthe Dark, when people are having affairs it is close to impossible to see anything good about their spouses. The H/W will come out bad in their eyes. The AP would score 99.9% afterall there are no dramas like you forgot to pay the bills. You forgot to get the shopping as promised. AP has no drama so he scores great. He WINS. Your suggestion is logical if the person can see through the fog, but nonetheless a good one if it serves to open their eyes to reality.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Outofthe Dark, when people are having affairs it is close to impossible to see anything good about their spouses. The H/W will come out bad in their eyes. The AP would score 99.9% afterall there are no dramas like you forgot to pay the bills. You forgot to get the shopping as promised. AP has no drama so he scores great. He WINS. Your suggestion is logical if the person can see through the fog, but nonetheless a good one if it serves to open their eyes to reality.

I dont think that is the case, and I am speaking from experience here. If you see NO good at all in your relationship, then you are ready to leave it. I don't think that affair fog is that thick that you cannot see any good at all unless the relationship is completely dead. If you cannot put anything on the good list at all, then that marriage is dead. If you are still with that person and see no good, then you are using that person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

'It really doesn't matter if the love you have for MM is true love or affair love or some Fd up form of love etc etc..if you think it was love, then it was love....you may at some later time come to the understanding that it was a twisted, unhealthy love; or you may find it was the real deal...only time will tell.' foreal.

This whole thread touched me, but the post from which the above quote is taken touched more than any others.

 

Because it's what all of us on each side of the triangle/quadrangle want to know. Real love, affair love or fu**ed up love.

 

And getting over it means working out which it was. I have finally worked out it was real love for me. That's after 6 months months NC.

 

I don't know the answer to love vs M. And I only have to add that we have to treat people well regardless. And that may mean we leave something behind that we will miss deeply.

 

I don't know what to say to you because I am in the same boat, but haven't really resolved it. I can tell you that the headf**k is better after some time of NC.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Quixotic Dreamer

Just wanted to give everyone an update. It's only been a few days, and I have already broken the NC with a single text, which was responded to very tactfully and with words of encouragement. That was earlier today and I am proud of both of us for not using it as an opening to a conversation.

 

My H keeps trying to kiss on me and show affection, and I keep pulling away from him. It's simply too soon. I can't help but think about my OMM and it makes me feel horrible. I've tried to explain to my H that I need more time, but doesn't seem to get it. I appreciate the effort that he is making, but it also makes me get irritated with him, and I find myself being mean to him. I guess I am displacing my anger with myself onto him, but he doesn't deserve it.

 

My H asked me today if I thought we were getting any better yet, and I said, "How can things possibly get better so quickly? This is going to take some time . . ." He then asked if I still want to do this, or if I was done. I told him I still want to fix things, but deep down in my heart, I'm not 100% sure that do. Sometimes I feel like I do, and other times I don't - but not because of the feelings I have for someone else. It's because of all the things we can't change about our situation and a ton of other reasons that I don't have the time to list.

 

But at one time I did love him enough to stick around for nearly three years while he got through his messy divorce and custody battle, and stay married to him for 3.5 years after that. Nearly 7 years has to mean something, right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...