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Assisting MM in Lies


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I was thinking about my days dating guys that had serious/steady girlfriends that I didn't know about and realized something rather significant. When I dated guys that I KNEW had a primary relationship, I often gave them ideas for how to get out to see me. I now know that I was basically just giving them their lines to give to their girlfriends so they could claim it was all my idea if they took the advice. But at the time, I was willing to tell them things that I figured their primary would fall for. It contributed a lot to how I saw their primary as well.

 

I am sure this translates over into EMRs as well.

 

How have OWs helped their MM lie to get out of the house or out of an event with their BW to see them? Or did MM forget something and OW gave him something nifty to tell the BW, what kinds of things did you advise? Also, did/does it affect the way you see the BW? Knowing that she is believing (or falling for lies, lies that you aided him in telling) lies, does it make you think she is gullible or stupid?

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I don't think I have ever recomended a lie to My MM. And I have always told him that if another D-day hits and W calls me I will not lie to her.

 

I think the closest it has ever come is that he knowing how very much I would like to buy gifts for certain members of his family had me 'help' him shop for them, which meant he bought whatever I chose for them, even though we both knew damned well that his W had already bought them their Christmas gifts... so basically the lie is, they are gifts from me, that he is giving them saying they are from him... does that make sense? :confused:

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Yeah. It makes sense. Its not a lie by you for him to use, its him giving gifts from you and taking the credit for them. Should they find out they aren't from him actually, they won't feel lied to by you, they'll feel lied to by him, and him alone.

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Yeah. It makes sense. Its not a lie by you for him to use' date=' its him giving gifts from you and taking the credit for them. Should they find out they aren't from him actually, they won't feel lied to by you, they'll feel lied to by him, and him alone.[/quote']

 

Well, they are from him in that he paid for them, so i guess he could use that as a way of making it 'not a lie'? But like I said, knowing that W had already bought gifts, him buying whatever I picked, well, let's just say I am sure it wasn't cause I work in the store where he shopped and he valued my 'personal shopping skills' as such. :o It was a way of allowing me to 'give' gifts to the people I wanted to.. ya know?

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It is interesting that you brought this up NID...(and hi and hugs by the way)...lol....in HS the guys who were with someone I would not touch with a ten foot pole, and actually very few tried.

 

With my x-situation (which was several years ago) I don't know what happened, I just know I was constantly warding him off as everyone called exMM my "puppy dog".

 

Just recently I realized why I became attracted to such an unsightly individual. At the time I was trying to recapture my past. I had been hurt greatly and did not trust meeting new people. Well after we started to talk at work more, I found he knew everyone I knew...this gave familiararity. I trusted the guys back in my HS days , so felt a "trust" with him because he was from the same group. He acted single and said he and his W were over. I put his W out of my mind, she did not exist because HE said she didn't.

 

His W was not the gullable one, I was. His W was screwing around with other guys as I found out later...this caused her to be even more unreal for me.

 

Basically, they lied so much to each other that I could not come close to coming up with better stuff to lie about....I was always telling him to stay away from me also.

 

Then we have the kids of this extremely disfunctional group....wow...they were the "truth enforcers"....

 

Actually, after being so frustrated with exMM/exB/F's lies I had an unexpected meeting with one of his daughters....she surprized me....she has some class and was well worded....I know she did not get that from her father, and all I have to judge her mother with was her interactions with me and other people in town which say she is out there....

 

Anyway....nothing good, real, permanent, lasting, loving or trusting can be built on the foundation of lies.....

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mybrowneyedgirl

i lied constantly for him and helped him lie too. she confronted me too many times to count before she knew. each time i lied to her, collaborated with his stories and she bought them. even after d-day we told the same story (a lie) and she bought it. i helped him and because of this she stayed.

 

now i wish that i had told the truth. not because it would change the outcome as im sure she would have stayed regardless, but because he is having an easier time because of the lies. she doesnt know all that hes done. he threw me under the bus but i protected him.

 

now that hes gone i wish he would have had to deal with all of what hes done...not just the watered down version she believes because i lied for him.

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i lied constantly for him and helped him lie too. she confronted me too many times to count before she knew. each time i lied to her, collaborated with his stories and she bought them. even after d-day we told the same story (a lie) and she bought it. i helped him and because of this she stayed.

 

now i wish that i had told the truth. not because it would change the outcome as im sure she would have stayed regardless, but because he is having an easier time because of the lies. she doesnt know all that hes done. he threw me under the bus but i protected him.

 

now that hes gone i wish he would have had to deal with all of what hes done...not just the watered down version she believes because i lied for him.

 

It's so weird that we are loyal to many that do not deserve it. This is what God is dealing with me on. I used to fall head over heels with these guys and pay all of the attention to them, sometimes neglecting the attention my kids needed....

 

Now I see the error and realize I CAN live without these men, but I cannot live without my kids and grandkids.

 

It is misguided loyalty and it sounds like you understand what went on and why and now you would not make that same mistake, which in turn causes you to be a better person....so hats off to you!

 

ExMM will get what he deserves...call it "what comes around goes around", "you reap what you sow", whatever....and you my dear will get a good man (if you haven't already) and will have a good life having grown from this awful situation that you were once in....enjoy the good things ahead of you!

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My H and his xAP conspired together on the lies they would feed me. In fact, the lies were constructed so that I would continue to trust her as my friend even when I knew that my H was having "difficult" feelings for her.

 

I think this conspiring together contributed to their bond..."partners in crime," as they say. However, such partnerships rarely last...

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The only time I assist a MM in lying was when my young MM got caught about 2 years ago.. she found his cell phone records.. and found out about me.. she got furious.. and he swore he would break it off with me and call me in front of her to prove it..

 

He had called me previously to warn me he would call me to break up... and basically told me what to say.. she was listening..

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How have OWs helped their MM lie to get out of the house or out of an event with their BW to see them? Or did MM forget something and OW gave him something nifty to tell the BW' date=' what kinds of things did you advise? Also, did/does it affect the way you see the BW? Knowing that she is believing (or falling for lies, lies that you aided him in telling) lies, does it make you think she is gullible or stupid?[/quote']

 

This was not at all an issue in any of my As. I would simply phone up and say, can you be at X place in Y minutes? and leave it up to them to find a way. I didn't ask how, or where they were "supposed" to be, or what if any excuse they'd given - it wasn't about them and their W, it was about them and me.

 

In my last A, which was a mix of LDR and living together, that also didn't apply. We were either together, or we were on opposite ends of the planet. "Sneaking out for a quicky" was never part of what we were about. I did once want to speak to him f2f about something important, and he did climb on a plane straightaway to come and discuss it with me - but again, I didn't ask how he was able to do so at such short notice. It was something he thought was important enough to do, which was what mattered to me, rather than the mechanics of how he'd done so.

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I can only recall one time that I recommended a lie for my MM. We had plans to meet, but one of his kids had an allergic reaction. He cancelled because he had to stay at home with his other kids while the W took his daughter to the hospital. A few hours later he called back saying his W and kid was on the way home, she just had to stop at the pharmacy, and he was trying to figure out a way to still get out. So I suggested that he call his W and offer to pick up the prescription out of consideration (she had spent the past few hours at the hospital) and concern (it was about 12-1am) for her being out so late. He liked the idea. Unfortunately, his W assured him she was fine and didn’t mind stopping. So, instead when she got home he told her he was going to take a walk and smoke a cigar (not unusual) and I picked him up around the corner. Occasionally, he may give her an excuse, checking on his friend’s place (when out-of-town) or motorcycle ride, but normally he’ll just leave when she’s upstairs watching tv or sleeping and then give her some bogus excuse if she calls asking why he’s not there. Most of the time we just meet when his “working” or already out so his lies are usually about why he’s home so late. He, on the other hand, has coached on what lies to say if his W ever contacted me.

 

No, his lies doesn’t affect how I see his W or enhance the idea that I think she’s gullible. I’ve never given it a thought. Gullible for believing your H is where he said he is? That’s natural. She may think she was gullible if dday ever occurred by looking back at all the clues and inquiries over the years, and not trusting her instincts. But I never once and wouldn’t label her as such.

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i lied constantly for him and helped him lie too. she confronted me too many times to count before she knew. each time i lied to her, collaborated with his stories and she bought them. even after d-day we told the same story (a lie) and she bought it. i helped him and because of this she stayed.

 

now i wish that i had told the truth. not because it would change the outcome as im sure she would have stayed regardless, but because he is having an easier time because of the lies. she doesnt know all that hes done. he threw me under the bus but i protected him.

 

now that hes gone i wish he would have had to deal with all of what hes done...not just the watered down version she believes because i lied for him.

 

Did you have less respect for her because she bought it each time?

 

For me, I just felt that the girlfriend (usually a "friend" as well) was gullible. I was wrong for feeling this way, because I was acting like a double-agent in some instances. I knew what she would and wouldn't fall for and use it against her.

 

Are you now thinking that because you protected him, you have the information to really destroy him (and his marriage) should you ever tell her how you helped him lie to her and the particular instances when you did (they will likely stand out to her now because of what she does know)?

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MM had a few OWs prior to me so he had all his tools (or lies) down pat. I never needed to make any suggestions unless he'd forgotten that he was supposed to drop off some kind of paper somewhere or something like that.

 

At one point we were discussing a possible Dday and how to handle it. He uses a regular excuse (a particular meeting) to see me and if there was a Dday he feared he could no longer use that excuse. I said bullshyte, just insist she go to that meeting with you so she can see there's nobody there worth fussing over. That was then, though. I no longer make such suggestions and refuse to play any games like that. I know it would work without a doubt though, because some people will always be prone to burying their head in the sand and MM's W is one such person. It is not my actions that make me see her this way; it is hers. She has proven her gullibility her entire M.

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MM had a few OWs prior to me so he had all his tools (or lies) down pat. I never needed to make any suggestions unless he'd forgotten that he was supposed to drop off some kind of paper somewhere or something like that.

 

At one point we were discussing a possible Dday and how to handle it. He uses a regular excuse (a particular meeting) to see me and if there was a Dday he feared he could no longer use that excuse. I said bullshyte, just insist she go to that meeting with you so she can see there's nobody there worth fussing over. That was then, though. I no longer make such suggestions and refuse to play any games like that. I know it would work without a doubt though, because some people will always be prone to burying their head in the sand and MM's W is one such person. It is not my actions that make me see her this way; it is hers. She has proven her gullibility her entire M.

 

In fairness, she might be gullible (most are when married to a serial cheater) OR she might just be so gaslit and browbeaten as to just be willing to not rock the boat as long as he comes home every (most) nights.

 

Believe me, I heard this from my stepmom on many an occasion when I asked her where exactly did she think her husband was. She would respond "at least he comes home" and I was incredulous. Really. :eek:

 

My question to you, though, is does the fact that you see her as gullible make her subject to contempt from you? Of being seen as less than for that reason.

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In fairness, she might be gullible (most are when married to a serial cheater) OR she might just be so gaslit and browbeaten as to just be willing to not rock the boat as long as he comes home every (most) nights.

 

Believe me, I heard this from my stepmom on many an occasion when I asked her where exactly did she think her husband was. She would respond "at least he comes home" and I was incredulous. Really. :eek:

 

My question to you, though, is does the fact that you see her as gullible make her subject to contempt from you? Of being seen as less than for that reason.

 

Wow, such a loaded question. I will have to be careful because I don't want my calling her gullible to sound like I'm saying she is stupid.

 

And you are right, he is home every single night and as long as he is paying the bills, doing his chores, and otherwise entertaining her then she has no reason to doubt him because all of her needs are met. Even if she needed sex I'm sure he could provide it to her.

 

Contempt is also a loaded word because it means different things to different people. Do I have no respect for her because she is gullible? No, I respect her as a human being, as a good wife, and as a good mother. Being busy with her family and otherwise distracted with life was a pretty good excuse for being gullible although I would have found time to do some digging. In fact, I did in my own M and found an OW.

 

Do I think she is ignorant? Hell yeah! Even worse, she chooses ignorance because this fits neatly into her blissful life plan. Doing her homework and learning the truth would turn her whole organized world upside down and a spinning planet doesn't fit neatly onto a calendar now does it?

 

The clencher is that she has her H believing she is so fragile and delicate that she couldn't handle the truth. He spent so many years preventing her from knowing it, that when he finally wants to leave her he fears she will crumble because she has been coddled and protected from the truth far too long.

 

In answer to your question, I respect her as a person, but find it difficult relating to her ignorance especially with regard to the man she claims to know and love.

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I didn't mean for it to be a loaded question. I really did mean contempt.

 

For years I had no respect for my stepmom. Years, I wondered how stupid she could be to see him coming and going as he pleased and trust him so naively.

 

Thing is, it was an act. An act by her to throw HIM off. She knew what he was up to and was biding her time. This may not be the case for your exMM's W, but I wouldn't be so quick to believe his claims that she is so fragile. That's just his ego talking.

 

My serial cheating dad never thought my stepmom would actually leave him. She did. And she hasn't looked back. But he was the one begging her to come back.

 

I'm threadjacking my own thread. LOL.

 

Back to the topic, though.

 

I didn't mean for *contempt* to be a loaded word. Just looking for honesty. I did think my stepmom was stupid for coming across as gullible. I certainly wouldn't judge you for saying so if you did, other posters might :mad:, so I understand the caution in your answer.

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I don't think My MMs wife is gullible at all. I don't think she buys his bu11sh*te for one tiny little minute. If anything he is the gullible one, believing she is fooled.

 

LMAO. He will figure it out eventually. Whether she is biding her time, or just simply doesn't care hasn't been made clear yet, I guess time will tell. I think it is more about biding her time. I have a feeling that when their youngest child is finally grown, he will get served papers, and she will have a file full of proof of his infidelity with me.

 

I know that she has brought up the huge phone bills a few times, and has lately quit pointing them out to him.

 

I know that she bought two new cars. A new house in an even better neighborhood, and is having all the renovations she wants done. (New kitchen, new paint, carpets, bathrooms etc etc...)

 

I know that she is getting in position to have everything she wants or needs with or without him. LMAO and he is the one who doesn't see it. *shrug* I see it, because I am a woman, and I know what I would be doing if I was in her position, I would be getting all my ducks in a row, and wait til the time was right.

 

Truth is, he doesn't even make excuses for most of the time he is with me, he just offers no explaination, and she doesn't ask for one.. what does that seem like to you?

 

So, no, I don't look badly at her for being fooled by him, I don't think she is fooled at all. Even if she was though, a woman SHOULD be able to trust her husband, I would hope I could trust mine... so why would I think less of her for that?

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I didn't mean for it to be a loaded question. I really did mean contempt.

 

For years I had no respect for my stepmom. Years, I wondered how stupid she could be to see him coming and going as he pleased and trust him so naively.

 

Thing is, it was an act. An act by her to throw HIM off. She knew what he was up to and was biding her time. This may not be the case for your exMM's W, but I wouldn't be so quick to believe his claims that she is so fragile. That's just his ego talking.

 

My serial cheating dad never thought my stepmom would actually leave him. She did. And she hasn't looked back. But he was the one begging her to come back.

 

I'm threadjacking my own thread. LOL.

 

Back to the topic, though.

 

I didn't mean for *contempt* to be a loaded word. Just looking for honesty. I did think my stepmom was stupid for coming across as gullible. I certainly wouldn't judge you for saying so if you did, other posters might :mad:, so I understand the caution in your answer.

The only time I believe his W was putting on an act was when she tiptoed to where he was working and caught him on the phone with me. God, it must be awful to always have to wonder who your H is talking to or with. But she's had to do that for far longer than I've known him.

 

I wasn't accusing you of trying to make the question loaded but I was trying to be careful in my response. If I'm to be completely honest, I do feel that her issue is one of two things; she is either really ignorant, or accepting. I may never know. It is up to anyone reading this if either of those things make her stupid.

 

And I'm not sure you're threadjacking your own thread, lol. I think your back story supports your question and following discussion.

 

Yes, I think MM's W is gullible and naive. It can be said that these are

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]euphemisms for stupidity but that sounds too harsh a label for someone like me.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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