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Am I wrong to fall in love with a married man?


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It depends on what you want to accomplish. If you want to destroy lives, create chaos in families, become totally hurt in the end...and even create a homicide incident...knock yourself out.

 

If you want to keep your life straight and have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone, I urge you to go find a single, available man.

 

Wow, you should see some of the stuff on cable's Court TV (CTV). The majority of the stories on there are about people who end up murdering their spouses and others...with adultery and betrayal at the root of the motive.

 

You might also want to watch a syndicated program called "Cheaters" if it's on a station in your area. That one's a hoot as well. They actually follow the person doing the cheating and the betrayed spouse confronts the other two in front of the cameras. I just love that one!!!

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You know it's not right, or you wouldn't ask. Just remember that it is she who sleeps with him everynight (whether he'll admit it or not). It is she who is his beficiary, not you. It is she who can call herself "Mrs." while you call yourself "MisTress".

 

Also, stop and think about a guy who would cheat on a woman who he made vows to love and cherish til death they part. Is that really someone you'ld want to fall in love with? A man who cannot make a commitment and did not take those vows seriously? Think about it.

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Celin28: Married men means they are taken, unavailable, status changed, committed to a long-term marriage, loved someone deep enough to exchange the vows and declared to whole world they are married. I would like to know what makes you think beyond this clear line as a lady has also taken a liking to my husband and I wish to understand what makes ladies like you think that it is all right to fall in love and make advances to a married man? No offence please but an exchange of perspectives, thanks!

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Not sure about the being "in love with", but of course you *can* love him. You can and will love many people throughout your life, but if you want to act in both of your best interests you can't have a romantic relationship with him. That part of his life is already spoken for, and to intrude on that would be very destructive. You can and should love him enough to be kind to him and yourself. Love him enough to not be an obstacle to him having a good relationship with his wife.

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Most of the replies to the question of whether it's wrong for a woman to get involved with a married man were pretty hardline on the no side.

 

I have to agree with the perspective that any woman who gets involved with a married man will likely end up getting hurt but the suggestion from Tony that adulterers are headed for homicide and court is outrageously ludicrous.

 

I have been the married man involved in the affair and I think it's fair to say that when one makes vows one should adhere to them, however human nature, animalistic as it is will forever ensure that our bodies and hearts will choose not to hold true to our moral minded vows.

 

I wish we could vow away our urge to lust after others and in some cases to act on those urges but that just isn't the case, as history has proven time after time. Men who are loyal through 20-30 years of marriage, in most cases, just haven't had the opportunity to cheat or they are afraid.

 

Some men and I salute these, do love their wives too much to risk hurting them but I inisist that these are rare birds.

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YOU WRITE: "...the suggestion from Tony that adulterers are headed for homicide and court is outrageously ludicrous."

 

Not ludicrous at all. I didn't mean to suggest that all or even a majority of them end up that way and I should have made that clear. But the majority of murder investigations featured on Court TV (CTV) have adulterous relationships as components.

 

You post is very informative and I am glad you fess up to your human limitations.

 

As for the homicide, it ain't over yet. Be careful!!!

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I do believe it is wrong to "fall in love with a married man" HOWEVER..I think it more "wrong" not to stop yourself and try to figure out what is happening in your personal life that is motivating yourself to be drawn to that situation...Recent death of a relative, abandonment of somekind.....Most women find themselves in the dire situation of "being attracted or in love " with a married man as they are so afraid emotionally of true intimacy (usually..if there not psychotic) ..Just human beings and have not sought help for the same old trap that hundreds of thousands of people, men and women find themselves in everyday............Also, the fact that Celine came on here and at least "asked' shows that she is on the internet, seeking others for advice and has been motivated enough by her own "feelings" of guilt or some other feelings to question herself ..Hoepfully, we will not "attack" her because of our opwn situations and guide her to "self help" sites and the like so she can begin to understand this "dangerous" dynamic....8 years ago I was caught in the trap and after much "growing up" "counseling" and a tremndous amount of research...I cam to understand what was going on, how to protect myself from the self abuse and realize how as people we are all vulnerable and able to fall into bad situations...I would say this is exactly the same as an addiciton and almost should have a 12 step program...As far as homicide is concerned, I do believe that this is possible in these situations from time to time, because of the sheer intensity of the emotions on all sides..OF COURSE IT'S NOT RIGHT..But it happens and that just goes to show how ill all parties can become during this situation, including the innocent..therefore..It is compeletly wrong and will always be, as there is simply no good that comes from affairs that is true or loing lasting..and someone..if not all of the parties, will become damaged is some way and hurt in some degree or another..there is no other end..there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pain...if it is not stopped soon enough..Hoepfully before the process starts..If it does..getting out and or healing..is the only way to recovery..as well as forgiveness and the search for understanding..its the only road back to health I feel..

 

God Bless ...

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  • 1 month later...
BadGirl2003

This is coming from someone who is in a similar situation as you are. People can say yes it's wrong to fall in love with a married man which it kinda is but they don't know how you are feeling. They may be easy for them to say it's wrong, leave him alone and get over him but it's not that easy when you are in a situation like this. My situation that I'm in right now is I liked this guy before he got married then a year and half later he got married. He knew that I liked him and he also liked me but we couldn't be together since he loved his fiance and didn't want to hurt her. To this very day I still see him around, think about him all the time and want to be with him but I can't since he's married. Since you didn't really didn't explain the whole situation just the question I can't give my opinion and advice but if I was you I wouldn't mess with him unless he's willing to divorce his wife and be with you.

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  • 7 months later...

Celine,

 

I am where you are right now. I have been with a married man for what will be a year in March. I cannot say that you are wrong or right. In fact, I cannot even give you the answer you're looking for. The thing of it is, it is so easy for others to look at you and judge you by what they see. And "from the outside looking in" it's easy for them to see the bad and never the good.

 

I can tell you that it isn't isn't an easy thing to do-in fact it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I fell in love with him about half a year ago. Either one of us wanted it to happen-it wasn't supposed to happen. I was on college spring break and I thought it would just be a little fling, then it turned into a summer thing and now it will almost be a year. He says he going to leave his wife- and maybe its stupid of me to believe, but I honestly think he will. I have never asked him to leave her because it simply is not my right. So when he goes home to her at night I lie in bed and wonder if he's lying beside her and if I'm on his mind. I'm sure you wonder the very same things and feel the very same emptiness that I feel when he leaves me for the night. I know he cares about me-he really does. He wants to leave but is never that easy is it? He assures me his love is true and that one day he will leave. He told me one day that he wished he could have met me before he got married-how could I not wish the same? It the most logical thing to feel when you are falling in love. These are all second-hand feelings to him and this is the first time I have ever been in love.

 

The only advice I can give is to make sure that it is real-or if you even want something out of this relationship. I know that it is hard to be honest with yourself sometimes, but in the end it's the only thing thats real. I am so scared about how my whole situation is going to blow up in my face. My parents will not understand-infidelity is unacceptable in my family. His mom is going to hate me. It will never be easy for either one of us if we do decide on actually being together. The hardest thing will be in deciding if it's worth the price of my family. When your in love it's easy to think that everything will work out in the end. But that's a fairy tale and this is life. You have to consider all of these things. I lie in bed every night thinking about all of this. All I ever wanted was to be happy-it seems like a high price to pay.

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Even though the post is a year old the topic is one which grabbed me since I am new here and still in search of answers - trying to understand how I managed feeling so comfortable in my present situation.

 

Never thought I could love someone who is married and or even get involved with him.

 

I cannot say I fell in love with him, it was more a situation of growing more and more in love with someone who I wasn't even attracted to in the beginning.

 

Three years later and and still trying to change our relationship back to a strictly platonic one.

 

Since meeting my life took a definite upward turn to the point where my family and friends cannot believe the change in me. Know I am being self-centred but I accomplished more as a result of his friendship than years of counselling. Even my counsellor had to admit that although the situation in the long term was not a good one, at the same time she had to acknowledge that being with him has been good for me.

 

Her advice is that having accomplished what I have, I should now let go before someone gets hurt, maybe me or maybe all three of us.

 

We have struggled with no contact several times over the period until now we both accept that the day is going to come when one of us will have the strength and discipline to end our affair but for now taking it one day at a time and making the most of the moment.

 

Do I want more from a relationship - sometimes yes but based on my experiences with men before and since meeting him, I am for the most part contented just to have him in my life.

 

Obviously he is far from perfect, but there are qualities that he has that I truly admire being nurturing, kind and gentle yet firm.

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Wolvesbaned

Ask yourself this:

 

1 Don't I deserve a man that can give me all of his love?

2 Do I want a man that can offer me the respect and love I deserve?

3 How can any man legitimately look me in the eye and say he's giving me the respect I deserve if he is married?

 

Now tell yourself the truth:

 

* You're with a married man.

* You are the Other Woman.

* Your actions are hurting many people, including yourself.

* You deserve better.

 

Is he really want you want? You say you love him, but he's not giving you what you really need. He's a cheater -- is he even capable love?

 

Save yourself from more pain, bad karma, and a lifetime of woes. Leave him already. Gather all the self-dignity you can muster and just leave him. You don't deserve this and you really don't want to be doing this. Being with him now will eliminate all your chances of meeting a proper man that is not married and can actually offer you love.

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Midnight Magic

It is not wrong to fall in love with a married man, I have been there and done that, it was someone who I worked with in my office, and things got out of hand, thank good ness that nothing sexual happened, it was close but nothing ever happened, and I am very thank ful for that.

 

Sure I was heartbroken and still am to a point, but I realized that this was wrong..Not only would I break up my family, but his as well, and he has a beatiful whom I admire very much, ok I am jealous and envious of her too, but he is lucky to have her. They have the kind of love that I would like to have.

 

But please do not go there in the relationship. You are going to be the one who is broken hearted, and I know this as I am still experiencing it, and I ended it months ago, the hardest thing is that I have to see him and work with him everyday and each day the hurts get smaller and smaller. It does not go away, but one day it will.

 

The happiest day was when he came to me and thank me for being the brave one and ending it. He said it was an adult thing to do, he said he realizes how hard it was for me to do because he knows that I loved him, man was he right.

 

But in the end it was the best thing to do, I try to convince my heart of that, but I am a much better person because I did it.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. Life is too cruel enough without causing yourself anymore.

You are in my thoughts.

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overseas2004

My mother once told me "you can't build hapiness on someone elses unhappiness" and I think this is a very good statement when considering to fall in love with a married man.

 

Besides they never leave their wives.... very rare. I was a divorce lawyer in an earlier life and the statistics were like 3 percent who left their wives. Not a good chance is it?

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Of course it is true that you cannot build happiness on someone's else unhappiness and the last thing I would want is for affair to continue to the point where his wife found out about it which is the reason we both are working on ending things.

 

His leaving his wife for me is something I don't even think about, not because I wouldn't want to be with him permanently but rather because I know she loves him dearly and he loves her in return.

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You don't "work" on ending things, you go cold turkey, or you continue to reconcile your actions with false gentleness.

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Going cold turkey is easier said than done.

 

He is also my best friend - someone whose support and encouragement are things I can count on in times of need. That is not something easy to find in today's world.

 

Have tried walking away so many times and each time I end up regretting it so now just taking it one day at time, trying to modify the way we relate to each other.

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I WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING...I THINK THIS IS A MESSAGE BOARD TO GIVE ADVICE TO SOMEONE IN NEED OF BEING HEARD AND WANTING HELP...I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO ALL THE MARRIED WOMAN THAT WANT TO PUT DOWN "THE OTHER WOMAN" IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT YOU BOTH ARE IN THE SAME SITUATION. SAY YOU HAVE A WOMAN THAT DOESN'T KNOW THE GUY IS MARRIED AT FIRST AND YES SHE FALLS IN LOVE. THE WIFE FELL IN LOVE WITH THE SAME GUY AM I RIGHT...AND FOR "THE OTHER WOMAN" AND THE WIFE NEED TO MAKE THE SAME DECISION...DO THEY LEAVE THE GUY ALONE??? I KNOW THERE ARE MARRIED WOMAN OUT THERE THAT KNOW THAT THEIR GUY IS CHEATING ON THEM AND STILL STAYS...IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME THING...I KNOW THAT YOU GUYS ARE MARRIED BUT IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT...THE VOWS ARE ONLY WORDS...ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...AND I KNOW SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO HEAR AND SEE BOTH...THE GUY IS MESSING WITH BOTH OF US...WE BOTH HAVE BROKEN HEARTS...THE OTHER WOMAN FEELS BETRAYED AS WELL IF SHE WENT INTO THE SITUATION WITHOUT KNOWING THE GUY IS MARRIED...I'M NOT SAYING ANY OF THIS IS RIGHT...I'M JUST SAYING THAT...IT TAKES TIME AND EVENTUALLY BOTH PARTIES WILL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION...I THINK THE WIFE WANTS US OTHER WOMAN TO LEAVE HIM ALONE...BUT YOU KNOW IF HE IS ABLE TO LIE AND CHEAT IS WILL DO IT FOREVER...SO YOU AS A WIFE NEED TO MAKE A DECISION AS WELL AS THE OTHER WOMAN....I JUST THINK IT'S THE SAME SITUATION FOR BOTH WOMAN AND I WANT THE TWO WOMAN OR HOW EVER MANY TO STOP BLAMING EACH OTHER AND MOVE ON TO FIND HAPPINESS...I KNOW FINDING HAPPINESS ISN'T EASY...LORD KNOWS...I KNOW...I HAVE SOME WORDS OF ADVICE TO BOTH....LADY'S KEEP YOUR HEAD UP...BECAUSE ONLY WE CAN MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY AND WE HAVE TO MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS IN LIFE BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR US...SO PLEASE LADY'S THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER AND STOP BLAMING EACH OTHER...TIME WILL HEAL ITSELF AND TAKE THINGS ONE DAY AT A TIME TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR YOURSELVES...REMEMBER KNOW ONE CAN TAKE CARE OF US...WE HAVE TO DO IT FOR OURSELVES OR THERE IS NO LIFE....KEEP YOUR HEADS UP AND STAY STRONG!!!

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Don't do it... I know... I am the other woman ,still I am trying really hard to end it but it is hard I am eight months pregnant with MM's child. He left me a month ago said he was going back to his wife and kids and wanted no contact with me.Three weeks later an email saying he loved me I was the love of his life he is going to get a divorce and will be back with me. I want so much to believe him sometimes I do ...but reality check... it is just more lies..stay away I still foolishly send emails that are never answered I tell myself I'm just keeping him up to date on the baby but I know I am tying to hold on to something that just isn't there. I am scared but I am trying to let go any suggestions?

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