Its nearly time for the NC to start....

[hopeless4u]

OK, so the DIY will be finished this week and the hospital visit the xMM is taking me to is this week then that is it.....the dreaded NC.

 

Its been a strange day today, would of been 2yrs today! Not sure how I feel TBO:confused:

 

These last few weeks have been OK I guess, I know I've been weaning myself off him, trying to get myself strong enough for that last goodbye:(

 

I suppose I was hoping he would maybe get off his backside and face things at home or at least be truthful with himself.....he hasn't done either:rolleyes:

He's just carried on living 2 separate lives just like he's done for the last 2 yrs!

He went out and got the family Christmas Tree at the weekend, I'm sure him and his W will have fun decorating it like all is well in their M, that makes me sad but for the 1st time I am sad for me, not for him so I think thats progress!

 

I asked him today if when his IC advised him that maybe he should give it until after Christmas and see how things are then, did he tell his W this or does she think all is well again? He said she knows all is not well and they have both said lets see how it goes (just another ploy to keep me hanging I think)

 

Another thing that has happened over the last few days is that 1 of my best friends has found out her H has been having an A for the last year, she knows about xMM so that was a bit uncomfortable but we have actually helped each other I think, I now see how xMM is at home (you would never of guessed her H was having A by the way he was, he even told me to find a man of my own!!) and she can see how the OW had been totally sucked in with his bull****!!

 

My friends are ready to deal with the fall out and on the bright side, at least I'll have a fabulous kitchen to entertain over Christmas:p

 

 

So anyway I'm feeling a little out of sorts, some to do with my hospital visit and some to do with the fact I won't hearing from him again by the end of the week....ever! so expect a few threads just for HUGS:love:

 

I want to be strong and I will be but I've done NC before and I know how painful it is, it really isn't a nice place to be but I'm hoping with my friends (who are just the best), the fact that its Christmas so will be busy with family and you guys on here I'll get through it this time and come out smiling:)

[ladydesigner]

(((hopeless4u))) First I would like to say that it sounds like you are ready and strong enough to go NC and I commend you for that. NC for me has been an interesting experience both good and bad, well bad in how I feel but not very often the good outweighs the bad. Overall I think NC is the way to go when you are REALLY ready to let go and move on.

 

NC has given me my strength back it has also restored my self-esteem in that I took my power back. I no longer check my emails a million times a day as I know I will not be receiving one. I no longer hold onto any hope that things will change in the future. I no longer want my XOM back, even if he were to beg and tell me all those words that I want to hear. NC has helped me move forward in my life, it has helped me focus on my marriage ( I was the WS and XOM ended things with me). NC has helped me to see who XOM REALLY was for me. NC gets easier as each day passes. NC helps diminish the pain.

 

Of course there are those bad days that sneak up on you when you want to break NC... but then I stop and think... do I really want to be where I was a year in a half ago, three months ago ... No not in a million years!

[Laura123]

I know what you mean. After 6 months of emails, usually from him consisting of only 2 lines and me feeling restricted like i couldn't say anything, i sent a huge one, all happy and bouncy, talking about what i'd been up to. no reply. then i realised that he doesn't want to know what's happening in my life. i haven't seen him for 3 months but it's been still going on in some sick way via a weekly email, disguised as friends when really it's him just keeping me interested so that he can feel desirable. well, that's it, i can't do it anymore. so no contact for me too.

 

this is going to happen.

[ladydesigner]

I know what you mean. After 6 months of emails, usually from him consisting of only 2 lines and me feeling restricted like i couldn't say anything, i sent a huge one, all happy and bouncy, talking about what i'd been up to. no reply. then i realised that he doesn't want to know what's happening in my life. i haven't seen him for 3 months but it's been still going on in some sick way via a weekly email, disguised as friends when really it's him just keeping me interested so that he can feel desirable. well, that's it, i can't do it anymore. so no contact for me too.

 

Yep gotta love how they do that. I really do not understand why they would want to hang onto something so empty as well. My XOM was exactly the same before I went NC. He was floored when I did it. I don't think he thought I was strong enough to do it...ha

 

Go NC they are not worth your precious energy.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

In 1 hour it will be 17 days for me. I'm still pathetic and still checking emails a billion times a day. It is getting easier but not by much. It is really hard and I'm told its worth it too. I guess I'm still in the fog and once that lifts I hope I'll really see things more clearly.

[hopeless4u]

(((hopeless4u))) First I would like to say that it sounds like you are ready and strong enough to go NC and I commend you for that. NC for me has been an interesting experience both good and bad, well bad in how I feel but not very often the good outweighs the bad. Overall I think NC is the way to go when you are REALLY ready to let go and move on.

 

NC has given me my strength back it has also restored my self-esteem in that I took my power back. I no longer check my emails a million times a day as I know I will not be receiving one. I no longer hold onto any hope that things will change in the future. I no longer want my XOM back, even if he were to beg and tell me all those words that I want to hear. NC has helped me move forward in my life, it has helped me focus on my marriage ( I was the WS and XOM ended things with me). NC has helped me to see who XOM REALLY was for me. NC gets easier as each day passes. NC helps diminish the pain.

 

Of course there are those bad days that sneak up on you when you want to break NC... but then I stop and think... do I really want to be where I was a year in a half ago, three months ago ... No not in a million years!

 

I know its the only way to finally end this one way or the other. He has done so much for me since I ended things and we have stayed friends but I know I can't have him in my life anymore.

I know I could ask him to do more DIY and he probably would but thats just dragging it out even more.

Every time we've done NC before he has fell to pieces, he can't handle not being part of my life but I think thats because I've let him know how much I'm hurting, not this time. Also we work together so the Christmas holidays are coming up and we are both off work so that should help.

[ladydesigner]

Also we work together so the Christmas holidays are coming up and we are both off work so that should help.

 

Wow that would be really hard to work with the XAP. Hopefully it is not daily. I believe it will be much harder to stay NC and work with him. Although I've read posters on here who still work with their XAP and have been able to move on just fine.

[hopeless4u]

Wow that would be really hard to work with the XAP. Hopefully it is not daily. I believe it will be much harder to stay NC and work with him. Although I've read posters on here who still work with their XAP and have been able to move on just fine.

 

He doesn't have to be in my office every day but in the past he's arranged meetings there just so he can see if I'm ok(so he says)

I know if I ask him to stay away he will try but yes sometimes he'll have to be there. The hardest thing about work is that everyone knows about us (most think he is separated) so people will ask questions. When he is in the office he always brings me coffee and people always comment how good he is to me so when he doesn't it will be very obvious something is wrong.

He's always said that anything I want to tell them that he will go along with and to just blame things on him.

[Agent_99]

He doesn't have to be in my office every day but in the past he's arranged meetings there just so he can see if I'm ok(so he says)

I know if I ask him to stay away he will try but yes sometimes he'll have to be there. The hardest thing about work is that everyone knows about us (most think he is separated) so people will ask questions. When he is in the office he always brings me coffee and people always comment how good he is to me so when he doesn't it will be very obvious something is wrong.

He's always said that anything I want to tell them that he will go along with and to just blame things on him.

 

Hugs and more hugs. Just stay focused on the NC. Be prepared for the really bad days. Get support from any friends or family that you can. (I'm back after a long time, so I don't know your story.) And check in as often as you can here for support.

[Fallen Angel]

Oh Hopeless... Many, many warm and loving hugs sent your way!

 

I am so proud of you, you can do this. I know it will be hard, but I have watched you develop a strength I envy. You are a strong and capable woman. You are complete and whole all on your own, and you will survive even this.

 

Maybe you need to pick yourself a new screen name.. something with your new found hope for a wonderful future!

[Laura123]

Yep gotta love how they do that. I really do not understand why they would want to hang onto something so empty as well. My XOM was exactly the same before I went NC. He was floored when I did it. I don't think he thought I was strong enough to do it...ha

 

Go NC they are not worth your precious energy.

 

But what is that? if its happened to others, what is that email hardly saying anything all about? is it just to hold on to you? why do they do it if a) they don't want to see you and b) they aren't interested in anything going on in your life? do they get a buzz out of getting an email back saying nothing? i just think it's weird.

 

anyway, i can't just go from all to this. i've been a bloody idiot getting involved with him. turns out he was so shallow. and the line that got me was "of course i'd ask you out if i was single!" yeah, right, i bet he wouldn't have.

[ladydesigner]

But what is that? if its happened to others, what is that email hardly saying anything all about? is it just to hold on to you? why do they do it if a) they don't want to see you and b) they aren't interested in anything going on in your life? do they get a buzz out of getting an email back saying nothing? i just think it's weird.

 

I agree it really is weird. I really think they get off on that ego feed that you are still thinking about them. I know many of my XOM's emails would come across as flirty and yet we were supposed to be "friends". Then others would be like a couple of sentences of empty words or better yet no reply at all. The no reply at all are the ones that would make me crazy. I finally came to my senses and said I do not need this anymore... goodbye

 

God I love NC. I really do. Everytime I feel weak I just challenge myself in that I will NEVER EVER give my power back to him.

[hopeless4u]

Oh Hopeless... Many, many warm and loving hugs sent your way!

 

I am so proud of you, you can do this. I know it will be hard, but I have watched you develop a strength I envy. You are a strong and capable woman. You are complete and whole all on your own, and you will survive even this.

 

Maybe you need to pick yourself a new screen name.. something with your new found hope for a wonderful future!

 

Thanks FA and they are warmly received:love:

 

You are right I have got stronger since finding LS, its a lot easier to cope on those bad days/nights when I can talk about those thoughts running round my head!

 

I'm not sure how the next couple of weeks will be for me or him TBH, I know he has been reading some of the replies from my threads and they seriously messed with his head but not enough for him to put a thread up or sort his M out.

 

I had already said to him a few months ago that I wouldn't have another Christmas like last year and I meant it so even if I hadn't of found out about him still being intimate with his W, I would have still ended it if he hadn't of left her and he wouldn't of, that I'm sure of.

 

I really am thankful for the support and although I know the next few months will probably be the hardest ever, I will try my hardest to be strong:)

 

As for changing my screen name, I did think that!! Maybe when I truly know there is no going back I will......watch this space;)x

[NEVERINTENDEDTHIS]

Wow so glad I found this!! I had an affair a year ago called it off Last January due to my husband found out. Well we stayed in contact by email and then all of the sudden those old feelings came back. I pretty much put myself out there to him by letting him know exactly what I wanted him back. He has taken me to lunch a couple of times and we have emailed and text each other but he is so hot one minute and cold the next. I'm so confused and I know I need to end this and NC. I'm not sure what he is thinking. I even told him I thought he was acting strange by his comments. Sometimes he will email or txt me back or call other times he just ignores them. I need some advice please on how to go about all this. I'm so heartbroken and feel like a basket case all the time.

[Laura123]

I agree it really is weird. I really think they get off on that ego feed that you are still thinking about them. I know many of my XOM's emails would come across as flirty and yet we were supposed to be "friends". Then others would be like a couple of sentences of empty words or better yet no reply at all. The no reply at all are the ones that would make me crazy. I finally came to my senses and said I do not need this anymore... goodbye

 

God I love NC. I really do. Everytime I feel weak I just challenge myself in that I will NEVER EVER give my power back to him.

 

****, this is normal then. he's played me like an idiot. i've had nothing this week. all i am is an ego boost, fabulous. nothing i didn't know already.

 

all it's taught me is to not emotionally attach myself to anyone again. in fact, him not contacting me is making it far easier for me to not contact him, as i have nothing to reply to. maybe he has done me a favour.

[hopeless4u]

Wow so glad I found this!! I had an affair a year ago called it off Last January due to my husband found out. Well we stayed in contact by email and then all of the sudden those old feelings came back. I pretty much put myself out there to him by letting him know exactly what I wanted him back. He has taken me to lunch a couple of times and we have emailed and text each other but he is so hot one minute and cold the next. I'm so confused and I know I need to end this and NC. I'm not sure what he is thinking. I even told him I thought he was acting strange by his comments. Sometimes he will email or txt me back or call other times he just ignores them. I need some advice please on how to go about all this. I'm so heartbroken and feel like a basket case all the time.

 

I'm not married and my xMM has never blown hot & cold, is your AP single?

If so then he is probably just picking you up when it suits him and when you hear nothing is when he is with someone else. I'm in love with my xMM so haven't been with anyone else but I have not txt back when I've been out just to make him wonder.

[NEVERINTENDEDTHIS]

I'm not married and my xMM has never blown hot & cold, is your AP single?

If so then he is probably just picking you up when it suits him and when you hear nothing is when he is with someone else. I'm in love with my xMM so haven't been with anyone else but I have not txt back when I've been out just to make him wonder.

 

 

Thank you for the reply hopeless4u, No he is married also but have a feeling that there is someone else now. I feel like such an idiot for throwing myself back out there. This is the worst emotional rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and I so need to get off of it. He says he wants this then I hear nothing from him. I need to stay strong and I'm hoping today is the day I can start with the NC. How do you keep yourself from contacting him? Any help in this would be great. I did something in my life I said I would never do. I now tell people not to say never!

[MizFit]

Hopeless...how are you doing today?

[NEVERINTENDEDTHIS]

I know what you mean. After 6 months of emails, usually from him consisting of only 2 lines and me feeling restricted like i couldn't say anything, i sent a huge one, all happy and bouncy, talking about what i'd been up to. no reply. then i realised that he doesn't want to know what's happening in my life. i haven't seen him for 3 months but it's been still going on in some sick way via a weekly email, disguised as friends when really it's him just keeping me interested so that he can feel desirable. well, that's it, i can't do it anymore. so no contact for me too.

 

this is going to happen.

 

Laura123 how are things with you? I feel the same as you do and that is what is going on with me right now. I need to NC today is the first day I'm going to try my best to not contact him anymore. This is the hardest thing to do. I wish I had never got involved in this so many emotions. So many ups and downs. I just hope I can stay strong and stick to the NC.

[MizFit]

Laura123 how are things with you? I feel the same as you do and that is what is going on with me right now. I need to NC today is the first day I'm going to try my best to not contact him anymore. This is the hardest thing to do. I wish I had never got involved in this so many emotions. So many ups and downs. I just hope I can stay strong and stick to the NC.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world on this guys. My DDay was 4 weeks ago...he said NC, but it has been broken quite a few times. It's very limited, but still there. I'm finding that writing to my 'D' (diary) has been helping me enormously. I'm spewing forth every emotion that passes...I'm talking about my day, all sorts of things. It's been good therapy. It's eased the desire to send him the information and hurt...just another tool.

 

Right now LC works for me...I'm trying to go NC, I think, I'm not really sure. I know it will probably eventually just happen...a part of me hopes not, but I think it will.

 

Stay strong...x

[hopeless4u]

In 1 hour it will be 17 days for me. I'm still pathetic and still checking emails a billion times a day. It is getting easier but not by much. It is really hard and I'm told its worth it too. I guess I'm still in the fog and once that lifts I hope I'll really see things more clearly.

 

This is where it will get me, not receiving that txt or phone call every morning and the silly e mails he sends to work that make me smile even when i'm having a bad day.

It's the little things I will miss so much, getting tearful just typing it!!

 

He's been at my house all day today and he's taking me to the hospital tomorrow, I'm already missing him and he's not even gone yet!!

 

I asked him today why he is still doing all these things for me even though I've ended the PA and I told him what people on here have said and he just said 'I like doing things for you'

 

He's actually just phoned as I'm writing this to ask if I want him to get one of my sons Christmas presents(obviously I'll give him the money) as he saw it while shopping and remembered I'd said I wanted to get him one for Christmas.

 

God these next few weeks/months are going to be so hard, how can something that feels so right be so wrong??

[NEVERINTENDEDTHIS]

This is where it will get me, not receiving that txt or phone call every morning and the silly e mails he sends to work that make me smile even when i'm having a bad day.

It's the little things I will miss so much, getting tearful just typing it!!

 

He's been at my house all day today and he's taking me to the hospital tomorrow, I'm already missing him and he's not even gone yet!!

 

I asked him today why he is still doing all these things for me even though I've ended the PA and I told him what people on here have said and he just said 'I like doing things for you'

 

He's actually just phoned as I'm writing this to ask if I want him to get one of my sons Christmas presents(obviously I'll give him the money) as he saw it while shopping and remembered I'd said I wanted to get him one for Christmas.

 

God these next few weeks/months are going to be so hard, how can something that feels so right be so wrong??

 

 

So sorry you are going through this. It has to be hard seeing him still knowing what is ahead of you. It's heartbreaking and no one knows what you are going through unless they have been through it too. I'm the same checking my phone/emails....ect I miss all that. We last had lunch last Thursday and the NC didn't work well today but I know in my heart what must be done and I just hope I have the strength for this. He said the exact same words to me when I ended the A back in Jan. "how can something so right be so wrong?". I should be ashamed of myself. I have a wonderufl husband who would do anything in the moon for me and I still have these feelings for the OM. I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to say no...........I wish you and please keep updated on everything. I think this will help me seeing and talking to other people that have been through it.

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless...how are you doing today?

 

Hey MizFit, feeling a bit emotional tonight:confused:

 

Got the hospital tomorrow so think thats part of it, not good with surgery:o

 

Me and xMM still talking and still going over everything but we know this is the way forward if he is ever going to sort his life out.

 

Got lots of emotions going through my head at the moment and I know things are going to get a lot tougher but I will keep posting (maybe some very random posts to come:o) and hopefully get through this with my sanity in tact!!

[hopeless4u]

So sorry you are going through this. It has to be hard seeing him still knowing what is ahead of you. It's heartbreaking and no one knows what you are going through unless they have been through it too. I'm the same checking my phone/emails....ect I miss all that. We last had lunch last Thursday and the NC didn't work well today but I know in my heart what must be done and I just hope I have the strength for this. He said the exact same words to me when I ended the A back in Jan. "how can something so right be so wrong?". I should be ashamed of myself. I have a wonderufl husband who would do anything in the moon for me and I still have these feelings for the OM. I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet to say no...........I wish you and please keep updated on everything. I think this will help me seeing and talking to other people that have been through it.

 

Don't be ashamed NIT, my xMM feels just the same and he is a good man. His W has no idea why he is so distant with her because when she asked him 6 months ago if he'd met someone else, he lied and she trusted him. He beats himself up daily for not 'coming clean' and wishes now he had but its to late for him to tell her because she will say he's put her through all this for an OW.

His guilt is one of the things that hurts me the most, sometimes I do think it would be better for her to find out and bring things to a head. He will never tell her and thats what makes me know he will never leave her because she will never find out any other way.

 

You are not a bad person and neither am I or our xAP's, we just made bad choices and have to live with that. I think we will all end up lonely in our own way, I know I will but I guess thats life and thats what we need to deal with.

 

Keep posting, I know I will!!