I REALLY need some thoughts... long story

[outofthedark]

In short... almost 2 years ago I started an affair with a married man, I was also married though had a divorce atty on retainer and a plan to divorce my husband before i even began this affair.

7 months into the affair I moved out of my marital home and that marriage was officially over. 8 weeks later, the mm i was seeing, left his wife. We lived 200 miles apart and saw each other on weekends. 7 months later we moved in together. During one of our weekends together I became pregnant, this was before we moved in together and after we had both left our marriages.

Fast forward.. We have been living together now for 8 months, our child was born healthy and is with us.

3 weeks before I delivered our baby, I found out through his computer usage that he had been on craigslist and other personal websites seeking out sex. I also found out that he had many alias email, chatroom, and messenger names that he had been using for websex. He had also hooked up with a waitress that served him pancakes at ihop and had met a woman at the mall. I found all that out and ended up in the hospital for 3 days due to being pregnant and uncontrollable blood pressure. Geeze, wonder why eh?

None of that was by his confessing, it was all by me becoming a spy and also talking to a few of the women that he had met and or chatted with.

So since then he told me he would be honest and no more bad computer stuff etc. Well I have found out that he has lied again so many more times about big stuff and little stuff. He still looks at craigslist and when confronted replied "only for entertainment".

He has had off and on problems with pills and alcohol. He blames his bad behavior on either drunkenness or "being sad" and uses escape methods such as stated above.

I see a shrink, he sometimes sees a shrink. He had a very bad weekend a month ago and I packed my bags to leave. He asked me to go to see a counselor with him, I agreed and stayed. It took 5 days and me confronting him about it for him to actually call and make the appointment. We went to his shrink together then was referred to another for couples counseling. He then decided he was going to get a new individual shrink so we could go back to his old shrink together for future counseling. The day we were supposed to see the shrink he informed me that he had changed his mind and wanted to see him alone. Thus leaving us with no couples counselor. The one reason I stayed was cuz we were going to go to counseling, then he took that away. So I had a fit and he called the counselor we had seen once jointly and scheduled an appointment. But by then I was already furious that he had essentially blown off the therapy which was why I had stayed to begin with. Am I wrong here???

So anyway.... Here we are today and I sent him email yesterday with the crossroads option. If you want a relationship with me you have to do the following or if not then lets be mature adults, walk away and do whats best for our son. He read the email in front of me and that led directly into a conversation of how he resents me and blames me for the pivotal moment in his marriage when he gave up on it and that he regrets leaving his wife. But then tells me he doesn't want to go back to her. That he wanted to go to counseling with me because she begged him to go and he didn't and he regrets that. For 5 hours we talked about our affair and how it affected his marriage and led to his "biggest regret in life". (his words)

He still hasnt answered my email or the questions in it other than telling me he doesnt want me to leave. It has been 31 hours since he read that email with that crossroads choice in it.

Am I wrong to assume that although he says he doesnt want me to leave, his inactions are saying he does? That his mistreatment of me though he has a reason is a screwed up reason and makes this even worse than him having a character flaw?

How can a man tell you.... I love you, you are the perfect woman for me. Then 10 minutes later say that leaving his wife is his biggest regret in life? God I am so hurt and so confused... I am a total mess.

[Denamarie]

I am not one to give advice, but you really need to sit down and think about the health and well being of your son. Look at the example you are setting for him.

 

Sounds like both of you have made a mistake by cheating on your spouses and moving into a relationship so quickly without really understanding what you were getting into. He is bound to continually make mistakes until he has first fixed his issues (it sounds like he is addicted to sex).

 

Couples counseling would be fine....but if he is not willing to commit to doing this then I think you need to pack your bags and continue to see a therapist to help you with your journey of moving on and providing an emotionally stable life for your son.

 

I am only speaking from the issues that happened in my own house growing up...only it was with my mom. she cheated on my dad until I was 15 and it left me in a very uncomfortable situation for basically my whole life...up until now. I have to continually work through relationship and trust issues that God knows how long I will have.

[bentnotbroken]

I am simple amazed that you expected fidelity, honor, respect and truth from someone who never displayed those traits before. He cheated with you, on his wife. Yet you expected him to be faithful to you. Whether you and he were leaving your marriages or not, there were proper steps to do that. It didn't happen that way.

 

No one has a character change overnight. And with a transplant, I seriously doubt he will ever change his pattern. You have hooked up with and had a child with an emotional 2 year old. I want what I want, when I want it and to others be damn. My suggestion, get to a lawyer, get child support, get some counseling and learn from the path you have chosen to take and to bring an innocent child along for the ride. It is time to start thinking with more than "your feelings". There is more than you involved.

[outofthedark]

Lets establish that Yes I do see a Shrink, alone, for myself.

And like many others here on the ow forum, I believed a lot of lies. Now that I am seeing it for what it is, I see all the lies. Before that I believed all the bad things that were told to me about his wife and his reason for having an affair. No there is no justification for affairs but I was caught up in it and believed his reasons were valid. He portrayed her to be uncaring, disconnected, selfish, no sex, unthoughtful, irresponsible, cold etc.... So in my mind (i know it was skewed, i know this now) I did believe he could be loyal and honest with me cuz I was none of those things. I believed his behavior was a direct result of her, not of his own issues.

And yes I know I should have never started the affair while I was still married even if a divorce was already in the works I should have waited. Hindsight.

I was "in love" and couldn't see truth and believed everything that was fed to me. That's why I expected things to be different.

[jwi71]

In short... almost 2 years ago I started an affair with a married man, I was also married though had a divorce atty on retainer and a plan to divorce my husband before i even began this affair.

7 months into the affair I moved out of my marital home and that marriage was officially over. 8 weeks later, the mm i was seeing, left his wife. We lived 200 miles apart and saw each other on weekends. 7 months later we moved in together. During one of our weekends together I became pregnant, this was before we moved in together and after we had both left our marriages.

Fast forward.. We have been living together now for 8 months, our child was born healthy and is with us.

3 weeks before I delivered our baby, I found out through his computer usage that he had been on craigslist and other personal websites seeking out sex. I also found out that he had many alias email, chatroom, and messenger names that he had been using for websex. He had also hooked up with a waitress that served him pancakes at ihop and had met a woman at the mall. I found all that out and ended up in the hospital for 3 days due to being pregnant and uncontrollable blood pressure. Geeze, wonder why eh?

None of that was by his confessing, it was all by me becoming a spy and also talking to a few of the women that he had met and or chatted with.

So since then he told me he would be honest and no more bad computer stuff etc. Well I have found out that he has lied again so many more times about big stuff and little stuff. He still looks at craigslist and when confronted replied "only for entertainment".

He has had off and on problems with pills and alcohol. He blames his bad behavior on either drunkenness or "being sad" and uses escape methods such as stated above.

I see a shrink, he sometimes sees a shrink. He had a very bad weekend a month ago and I packed my bags to leave. He asked me to go to see a counselor with him, I agreed and stayed. It took 5 days and me confronting him about it for him to actually call and make the appointment. We went to his shrink together then was referred to another for couples counseling. He then decided he was going to get a new individual shrink so we could go back to his old shrink together for future counseling. The day we were supposed to see the shrink he informed me that he had changed his mind and wanted to see him alone. Thus leaving us with no couples counselor. The one reason I stayed was cuz we were going to go to counseling, then he took that away. So I had a fit and he called the counselor we had seen once jointly and scheduled an appointment. But by then I was already furious that he had essentially blown off the therapy which was why I had stayed to begin with. Am I wrong here???

So anyway.... Here we are today and I sent him email yesterday with the crossroads option. If you want a relationship with me you have to do the following or if not then lets be mature adults, walk away and do whats best for our son. He read the email in front of me and that led directly into a conversation of how he resents me and blames me for the pivotal moment in his marriage when he gave up on it and that he regrets leaving his wife. But then tells me he doesn't want to go back to her. That he wanted to go to counseling with me because she begged him to go and he didn't and he regrets that. For 5 hours we talked about our affair and how it affected his marriage and led to his "biggest regret in life". (his words)

He still hasnt answered my email or the questions in it other than telling me he doesnt want me to leave. It has been 31 hours since he read that email with that crossroads choice in it.

Am I wrong to assume that although he says he doesnt want me to leave, his inactions are saying he does? That his mistreatment of me though he has a reason is a screwed up reason and makes this even worse than him having a character flaw?

How can a man tell you.... I love you, you are the perfect woman for me. Then 10 minutes later say that leaving his wife is his biggest regret in life? God I am so hurt and so confused... I am a total mess.

 

 

OOTD...I simply quoted my last reply to you from weeks ago.

Until YOU decide to wake the eff up...this is YOUR new normal.

 

Seriously...OWN this and suck it up like the good little gf (because he CHOOSES to NOT marry you - or even D his W)or KICK IT TO THE CURB. It will NEVER get better.

 

Chose one.

 

 

 

You will NOT like this post. But I think you NEED it. It won't be pretty.

 

 

 

 

 

Why? Because he still loves her...wishes to undo what has been done. Sorry...that's what regret is. The pain and loss of a LOVED one. He hasn't moved on because, well, he hasn't. He still loves her and WISHES he could go back and be married to the woman he loves.

 

Otherwise he would GO BACK. I'm so sorry...but your bf isn't 100% into you. He REGRETS it. I hate to say it...but I think you KNOW it already.

Trust your gut. Follow your instincts. They're right.

 

Yup. This IS true. Those regrets will haunt him the rest of life. And while YOU allow him in yours, YOU will SUFFER. Always feel second best. Always feel the "option forced upon him" and not out of love.

 

Bullshyte. Utter nonsense. A divorce is a contract and it can say pretty much whatever the hell you want it to say. You can decree that he pays her insurance, pays alimony, pays whatever.... This is an EXCUSE to NOT get D.

 

And I think it says much about his respect level for YOU.

 

Backbone. I highly recommend one.

Because it will give you the strength to see through his CRAP. Really, BNB is right...this guy is a wuss and so are YOU. Put the big girl panties on, stiffen your new and improved backbone and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

 

What you want and need MATTERS. He sure as hell won't offer it...so TAKE IT. Or show him the damn door. And we all kow where he goes if you do...so what does that tell you?

 

He just won't make it legitimate because that would hurt his W. That second best feeling you have...its because, in his world, you ARE second best. Look at how he treats his W...and how he treats YOU. When push comes to shove...he CHOOSES HER.

 

Look, this guy isn't worth having. He won't face his problems. He won;t face his W. He won't face you. His method of resolving issues is AVOIDANCE. Not good.

 

Here's what you do. You tell Mr. No-Balls that he files for D within 5 days. Or he packs his bags and moves out.

 

Because he isnt changing. You gotta take that spine, stiffen it, and get what you want, need and deserve.

[outofthedark]

It was your post.. I never thanked you, sorry. So thank you. Your post was what got my butt moving and into confrontational mode.

I put them on and demanded some things. That was what led to the entire shrink thing a month ago, then leading us here. Cuz I put my panties on and demanded some things. He freaked out to say the least.

Demanding those doesnt make them happen though and it certainly doesnt take the pain away. That is why I posted again. To get strength from others and input and help keeping my big girl panties on!

Thanks again J

[whichwayisup]

Did you know about his problems during the A? Drinking and stuff?

 

This is why it's so important for people to have time and space, be alone after ending a marriage before starting up a new (life) relationship with someone else. This guy never had any opportunity, nor you, to grow and be alone first. Instead, each of you jumped into a new life together without really "knowing" eachother past the good stuff, honeymood phase.

 

Because of your child together, stick it out and give things a chance. If you give it your best and it doesn't work, then walk away.

[outofthedark]

We lived 200 miles apart and saw each other on weekends after we were both living separately apart from our spouses, each other. We both lived alone. The first time we drank together during our affair (4 months into it) he had 1 glass of wine with lunch and didn't finish it stating it was starting to give him a buzz and he didn't want his mind altered while he was with me that he wanted to "just be me" meaning be himself not intoxicated. I didnt see him rip-roaring drunk till 2 months he was living alone and we were away together on a business trip, we went to a jazz club and he got wasted. It progressed from there....

[Denamarie]

Seems everything is very cut and dried for you, is it not? I smell a bit of moral superiority and you have this air about you that you think everything is black and white. We all have weaknesses given certain circumstances and faced with certain things, even you.

 

Her statement is not of moral superiority. The blunt truth is they committed adultery in both of their past marriages.

 

BB07 is correct when she says that you can't expect good to come from something depraved- even if there is a very very small percent chance it will.

 

I think it's important to see that they were both probably struggling with where they were at in life and that may of been why love was blind for outofthedark.

 

It sucks to make big mistakes in life, I hope you continue to strive and work through all of these issues. - good luck

[bentnotbroken]

Seems everything is very cut and dried for you, is it not? I smell a bit of moral superiority and you have this air about you that you think everything is black and white. We all have weaknesses given certain circumstances and faced with certain things, even you.

 

 

Everything is very black and white for me. I try not to muddy up my life(been there done that)with excuses, justifications or using only my feelings to think through life altering situations. Yes, we all have weaknesses that cause us pain and usually give more trouble than the few minutes of pleasure we receive from them. As I have stated before ,sex with someone who is married isn't one of those weaknesses. Neither is child molestation, drinking blood or killing cops. (yes overly dramatic:rolleyes:)

 

I have learned that my life isn't lived independently of others. All my actions have an affect on someone, especially my children. I don't tend to respond with singing Kumbiya, not my style. I told the OP that she needs to get child suport and learn from this experience. So, I don't know what you smell, but you might need to have that checked out.

[outofthedark]

Yes I was wrong to expect good. I wasnt aware of my own guilt. I own that. I dont own and am having a hard time accepting things as I still love him and honestly and either so low I cant see or feel like this is what I deserve for being in the whole horrid thing to begin with..

Most recent development was the You tell me all now or its over moment and he actually told. His major drug use, picking up and taking home street people, group sex from craigslist encounters... then saying he deserved forgiveness cuz he was honest about it all and this was our chance for a clean start. ...ack im spinning, im a mess. I lost my big girl panties again dammit!

[Chrome Barracuda]

this man is a scumbag, but alas it is also the affair partner and the man you have chosen. Either quit and leave or tolerate and put up with it.

 

It's your choice.

 

Did you ever apologize to the exe's???

[bentnotbroken]

Yes I was wrong to expect good. I wasnt aware of my own guilt. I own that. I dont own and am having a hard time accepting things as I still love him and honestly and either so low I cant see or feel like this is what I deserve for being in the whole horrid thing to begin with..

Most recent development was the You tell me all now or its over moment and he actually told. His major drug use, picking up and taking home street people, group sex from craigslist encounters... then saying he deserved forgiveness cuz he was honest about it all and this was our chance for a clean start. ...ack im spinning, im a mess. I lost my big girl panties again dammit!

 

 

Well go buy some more! Then run like your behind is on fire and those new drawers are made of flammable materials. This is a train wreck in slow motion. Get that precious baby away from the mess and don't look back.

[outofthedark]

him to mine, no. Me to mine, no. My ex had been screwing his pa for over 2 years before i started an affair. Honestly, all i could think of was "im sorry i screwed another man but you were so busy with your bimbo that I got lonely and bored".. it was a very bad situation. I hd my atty on retainer already when I started my affair, i dont feel i owe my ex husband an apology.

Now to my MM wife, yes I do feel guilt over that. We werent supposed to fall in love, our affair was supposed to be 3 months long, meet once a week sex only. Well you know where we ended up.. here is the letter that I sent his ex....

You hate me, I respect that. You blame me, I respect that. For that I am very sorry.

There is no place for me in your life, nor you in mine. To continue the hatred and blame only prevents the both of us from moving on and attempting to live healthy lives. We both loved the same man. We were both misled by that man. True I knew he was married, but was never my intention of your marriage ending. I also never wanted you to find out about me. Only because I never had any intention of hurting you. For that I am deeply sorry and regretful. I did not steal your husband or ever ask him to leave you. It was never my intention to damage families. Though I know the effects of my actions were devastating to many, it was not supposed to turn out like this.

You may not believe me but I am truly very sorry for all the hurt that my actions caused you. I do wish you peace and hope you find that someday.

[outofthedark]

Thanks bent! Needed that laugh. Im in such a stupor at the moment. Thank goodness its nighttime and baby sleeps, i should be sleeping to but my mind is a mess. Even my xanax isnt helping this one

[bentnotbroken]

him to mine, no. Me to mine, no. My ex had been screwing his pa for over 2 years before i started an affair. Honestly, all i could think of was "im sorry i screwed another man but you were so busy with your bimbo that I got lonely and bored".. it was a very bad situation. I hd my atty on retainer already when I started my affair, i dont feel i owe my ex husband an apology.

Now to my MM wife, yes I do feel guilt over that. We werent supposed to fall in love, our affair was supposed to be 3 months long, meet once a week sex only. Well you know where we ended up.. here is the letter that I sent his ex....

You hate me, I respect that. You blame me, I respect that. For that I am very sorry.

There is no place for me in your life, nor you in mine. To continue the hatred and blame only prevents the both of us from moving on and attempting to live healthy lives. We both loved the same man. We were both misled by that man. True I knew he was married, but was never my intention of your marriage ending. I also never wanted you to find out about me. Only because I never had any intention of hurting you. For that I am deeply sorry and regretful. I did not steal your husband or ever ask him to leave you. It was never my intention to damage families. Though I know the effects of my actions were devastating to many, it was not supposed to turn out like this.

You may not believe me but I am truly very sorry for all the hurt that my actions caused you. I do wish you peace and hope you find that someday.

 

 

WOW. Basically, I wanted to have sex with him, not break up your marriage and not get busted, but sense I did, let's just move on and heal. In all honesty, what would you think if you received that letter from someone? How would you react to it, honestly?

[bentnotbroken]

I have no doubt that the wife is better off without him. You should consider the same thing. This person is a pig in adult costume. There is no reason to continue to subject yourself or your child to the actions of donkey with a driver's license.

[outofthedark]

You hate me, I respect that. You blame me, I respect that. For that I am very sorry.

There is no place for me in your life, nor you in mine. To continue the hatred and blame only prevents the both of us from moving on and attempting to live healthy lives. We both loved the same man. We were both misled by that man. True I knew he was married, but was never my intention of your marriage ending. I also never wanted you to find out about me. Only because I never had any intention of hurting you. For that I am deeply sorry and regretful. I did not steal your husband or ever ask him to leave you. It was never my intention to damage families. Though I know the effects of my actions were devastating to many, it was not supposed to turn out like this.

You may not believe me but I am truly very sorry for all the hurt that my actions caused you. I do wish you peace and hope you find that someday.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know that doesnt make sense, its like I know what i did was wrong but i was justified because it was ok. It's not like i was stealing him but I left with him anyways. HUH?

 

Everything is azz backwards. and I wouldnt buy it either. But now you ended up with the booby prize. The guy that you WON, isnt the knight in shining armor you thought he was.

 

And yes your husband engaging in his own affair was wrong, but why did you start yours, why couldnt you leave first and find a single dude to mess with?

[outofthedark]

This man is a scumbag, but alas it is also the affair partner and the man you have chosen. Either quit and leave or tolerate and put up with it.

 

It's your choice.

 

Having trouble owning it , my choice, at the moment. Gotta find those damn panties..

Seriously I am at an extremely weak state right this moment

[outofthedark]

I know that doesnt make sense, its like I know what i did was wrong but i was justified because it was ok. It's not like i was stealing him but I left with him anyways. HUH?

 

Everything is azz backwards. and I wouldnt buy it either. But now you ended up with the booby prize. The guy that you WON, isnt the knight in shining armor you thought he was.

 

And yes your husband engaging in his own affair was wrong, but why did you start yours, why couldnt you leave first and find a single dude to mess with?

 

Husband and I had already agreed marriage was over, had atty etc. His affairs led us to that point. Our house was on the market and our bank accounts had been severed. When house sells we split forever blah blah. I didnt think needed to explain my affair when he brought me photos of his bimbo in her new fake boobies that he had bought her. It was that next week that I began exploring the idea of my own affair. My marriage was totally logistical and open. If he had asked I would have told him point blank just as matter of fact not explanation. We were way past that point.

Regarding my mm wife... ya I know bad. That is where my guilt is. And NO he is no knight in shining armor. He is trash in tarnish.

[bentnotbroken]

This man is a scumbag, but alas it is also the affair partner and the man you have chosen. Either quit and leave or tolerate and put up with it.

 

It's your choice.

 

Having trouble owning it , my choice, at the moment. Gotta find those damn panties..

Seriously I am at an extremely weak state right this moment

 

 

The stores open soon.