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My husband's emotional affair


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Hi,

I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years and dated him 9 years before that. I always thought we had the type of marriage people dreamed of, and I was often told that as wekk.

 

However, he started to act very distant over the last 3 weeks. He also was very guarded of his phone (with email capability) which was very abnormal. I asked him if everything was ok, and he insisted it was. However, the other night, I did look at his phone while he was sleeping. I came across a series of emails between him and a co-worker that were extremely affectionate - devastating actually. After I threw-up from shock, I confronted him about the messages and asked him to explain them.

 

It was very difficult for him to talk to me about it. To sum it up, he basically said that he felt he was in a rut in our relationship (had been for some time) and didn't think he was at the "next level" of our relationship like I was(still trying to understand what that means). He said he was very confused b/c he insists that I am "perfect" and he couldn't understand why he would feel that way. He also expressed that it has been difficult for him to open up to me emotionally. Now, for the messages, he says that he had become good friends with this co-worker. She was the only "normal" one at work and they would often vent with each other about work stuff. They began going to lunch twice or three times a week. Well, they steadily became closer and she began to reveal some of the frustrations in her marriage. Well, apparently this opened the door for him to confide in her about his frustrations in our marriage.

 

They are having an emotional affair. My husband insists it has not gotten physical (yet). He claims that they have become very close and that she is a very good person. He is able to open up to her emotionally and they boost each other up. However, the emotional part is just as devastating to me. I didn't realize when I confronted him that this was the issue. But now that I have had time to think about it and do some reading, I know this is what is going on. My biggest fear is that he doesn't realize this, and will ultimately choose her. He did say that our marriage is worth saving, but I don't know if I believe him. The emails that I read were absolutely devastating, and it really hurts. I have never heard my husband write/speak like he did in these emails.

 

He is away this weekend at a family event. I have asked him to think about what is going on and if he really wants to work on us. As I mentioned above, I wish I would have known this was an EA as I would have talked to him about it. My biggest fear is that he will come back and think that what he has with her is more important. He did ask me when I confronted him if I wanted him to stop talking to her, and I stupidly said "No" trying not to be the jealous, consumed wife. However, I now realize this is the only way for us to get our marriage back.

 

I don't know what caused the rut that my husband is in. I am a very successful business woman - and the bread winner for the family. Sometimes I think that he never saw us in the position we are in (living in Suburbia, me with a really good job, him with an average job he is over-qualified for). He swears that this isn't the problem, but I can't help but think it somehow is related. As I mentioned before, I am crazy about him and always thought he felt the same way - never any reason to think otherwise until about 3 weeks ago.

 

Do you think there is still a chance for our marriage?

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He did ask me when I confronted him if I wanted him to stop talking to her, and I stupidly said "No" trying not to be the jealous, consumed wife. However, I now realize this is the only way for us to get our marriage back.

 

Take that no back. And, let him know that you think that his friends husband should know about the closeness, emotional affair that's going on too. Tell your H that he can't have it both ways. That he has to work with you to reconnect again, and he also should seek some counselling on his own (before you two do marriage counselling) so he can sort himself out. Right now he is emotionally attached to the MW. (married wife), and that in itself has messed him up.

 

Yes, there's a chance for your marriage.. IF he is willing to say goodbye to this woman and focus on you, work with you to make your marriage better.

 

You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset, jealous, hurt, feel betrayed.

 

Another thing, just keep in mind that he may not be telling the truth about it turning physical. It's very rare when one is busted that they completely come clean all at once.

 

Anyway, I suggest you let MW's husband know about this EA, possible PA, and your H needs to cut contact with her, possibly ask for a transfer or quit his job because how on earth (if their A is serious) can you fix the marriage, let alone try to trust him again if they see eachother daily?

 

Sorry you're hurting..

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Hi,

I have been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years and dated him 9 years before that. I always thought we had the type of marriage people dreamed of, and I was often told that as wekk.

 

However, he started to act very distant over the last 3 weeks. He also was very guarded of his phone (with email capability) which was very abnormal. I asked him if everything was ok, and he insisted it was. However, the other night, I did look at his phone while he was sleeping. I came across a series of emails between him and a co-worker that were extremely affectionate - devastating actually. After I threw-up from shock, I confronted him about the messages and asked him to explain them.

 

It was very difficult for him to talk to me about it. To sum it up, he basically said that he felt he was in a rut in our relationship (had been for some time) and didn't think he was at the "next level" of our relationship like I was(still trying to understand what that means). He said he was very confused b/c he insists that I am "perfect" and he couldn't understand why he would feel that way. He also expressed that it has been difficult for him to open up to me emotionally. Now, for the messages, he says that he had become good friends with this co-worker. She was the only "normal" one at work and they would often vent with each other about work stuff. They began going to lunch twice or three times a week. Well, they steadily became closer and she began to reveal some of the frustrations in her marriage. Well, apparently this opened the door for him to confide in her about his frustrations in our marriage.

 

They are having an emotional affair. My husband insists it has not gotten physical (yet). He claims that they have become very close and that she is a very good person. He is able to open up to her emotionally and they boost each other up. However, the emotional part is just as devastating to me. I didn't realize when I confronted him that this was the issue. But now that I have had time to think about it and do some reading, I know this is what is going on. My biggest fear is that he doesn't realize this, and will ultimately choose her. He did say that our marriage is worth saving, but I don't know if I believe him. The emails that I read were absolutely devastating, and it really hurts. I have never heard my husband write/speak like he did in these emails.

 

He is away this weekend at a family event. I have asked him to think about what is going on and if he really wants to work on us. As I mentioned above, I wish I would have known this was an EA as I would have talked to him about it. My biggest fear is that he will come back and think that what he has with her is more important. He did ask me when I confronted him if I wanted him to stop talking to her, and I stupidly said "No" trying not to be the jealous, consumed wife. However, I now realize this is the only way for us to get our marriage back.

 

I don't know what caused the rut that my husband is in. I am a very successful business woman - and the bread winner for the family. Sometimes I think that he never saw us in the position we are in (living in Suburbia, me with a really good job, him with an average job he is over-qualified for). He swears that this isn't the problem, but I can't help but think it somehow is related. As I mentioned before, I am crazy about him and always thought he felt the same way - never any reason to think otherwise until about 3 weeks ago.

 

Do you think there is still a chance for our marriage?

Yes, there is always a chance to save a marriage.

 

And EAs can be even more devastating than PAs because of the attachment. Men have emotional needs too.

 

He says you are perfect which indicates you are a good, warm, and loving wife. So many MM stay for women such as you. The only thing missing (which is different things for different MM) is the one thing he doesn't see possible in you. If he had, he would have never opened up talks to 'vent' with the OW.

 

My guess is, given that he denies PA at this point, is that he is able to be open with her. Women underestimate how much it means to a man to be completely himself. Can you talk to him about everything, even masturbation? Can you laugh with him over past indiscretions (anything from filing bankruptcy to OWs) that you have forgiven him for? Does he feel completely safe to talk about anything with you?

 

If you answer no, that is ok. It just means you are not right for each other. If you answer yes, then you need to make him aware that you've been there for him all this time and you had no idea he was holding anything in.

 

Remember, he actually shared his feelings with you and fessed up. A lot of MM would have shoved it down, dropped the OW, and picked up a new one once your suspicions died down. Be thankful he is being honest and open with you.

 

I hope you can give him the freedom to be completely open with you and that you are able to repair your M. You do sound 'perfect' and he is lucky to have you.

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you can't make this right for him - he has to do some soul searching as to why he went outside your M for intimacy with another gal.

 

then he needs to be willing to do the hard work to repair what chaos he's created so that it makes things different than the way it is now. you cannot do this for him - he needs to be totally willing to do anything and everything to set things straight. is he? including no contact with his OW?

 

if he's not, there is nothing you can do except stand by and be a total doormat for his bad behavior... is that what you want?

 

set the boundaries - be specific, see if he's willing - be strong.

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I would be careful OP about calling what your H did 'bad behavior'. In his mind and heart, he made a connection with someone he felt made it safe for him to connect with. This is about who is right for us, not about good behavior or bad behavior.

 

Only if you get that can you save your M. And even if you get that, only if you are right for each other can you save it. You need both the understanding and the connection.

 

Marriage contracts to not provide that 'connection' that help a M survive.

 

Don't make the mistake of calling your H bad. I guarantee his OW understands this concept.

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bad behavior is TOTALLY different than a bad person.

 

this whole concept needs to be acknowledged if OP is to move forward at all.

 

he can be a good person and be involved in bad behavior. if he continues with the bad behavior - she needs to ask herself if she still wants to stay involved with him.

 

so i guess the question to him would be - are you still involving yourself in the bad behavior - expecting to stay involved with the bad behavior? if so, then she has to decide what she is willing to do about it (stay or leave him)

 

if he's willing to cut out the bad behavior - he should be willing to show her by his actions that things are on the up and up... and he should be willing to show evidence that he's not involved in his bad behavior activities... also, to show her ways that he is now reconnecting with her (OP) on a whole new level that will make their relationship stronger.

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bad behavior is TOTALLY different than a bad person.

 

this whole concept needs to be acknowledged if OP is to move forward at all.

 

he can be a good person and be involved in bad behavior. if he continues with the bad behavior - she needs to ask herself if she still wants to stay involved with him.

 

so i guess the question to him would be - are you still involving yourself in the bad behavior - expecting to stay involved with the bad behavior? if so, then she has to decide what she is willing to do about it (stay or leave him)

 

if he's willing to cut out the bad behavior - he should be willing to show her by his actions that things are on the up and up... and he should be willing to show evidence that he's not involved in his bad behavior activities... also, to show her ways that he is now reconnecting with her (OP) on a whole new level that will make their relationship stronger.

There was a time I would have agreed with you on the bad behavior. I do understand the concept of loving the sinner but not the sin. (And on all other statements I firmly agree with you). I'm just concerened the OP's H won't hear her if she phrases it that way.

 

Let me try to put it in a light where the OP's H might see it.

 

OP: H, I believe your hiding this R from me is bad behavior even though you are not bad. Can you give US a try?

 

Result: he only hears BAD and closes up.

 

OP: H, I believe that you connected with someone else on a deeper level than you have with me and I feel you did not give me the chance to show you that we could have a connection that deep if not deeper.

 

Result: H listens.

 

Try not to focus on good or bad. Just focus on if you two are right for each other and if you are, fight fight fight for it. This also means that if you are not right for each other, accept it and walk away. Either way, he won't hear you if you use labels such as 'bad'. He'll just say you like to blame him.

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There was a time I would have agreed with you on the bad behavior. I do understand the concept of loving the sinner but not the sin. (And on all other statements I firmly agree with you). I'm just concerened the OP's H won't hear her if she phrases it that way.

 

Let me try to put it in a light where the OP's H might see it.

 

OP: H, I believe your hiding this R from me is bad behavior even though you are not bad. Can you give US a try?

 

Result: he only hears BAD and closes up.

 

OP: H, I believe that you connected with someone else on a deeper level than you have with me and I feel you did not give me the chance to show you that we could have a connection that deep if not deeper.

 

Result: H listens.

 

Try not to focus on good or bad. Just focus on if you two are right for each other and if you are, fight fight fight for it. This also means that if you are not right for each other, accept it and walk away. Either way, he won't hear you if you use labels such as 'bad'. He'll just say you like to blame him.

 

i was never referring to her use of words when pointing out this concept... i was referring to her acknowledgment of this situation for herself and what she may or may not be capable of taking a stand on - for her own health and well being. the mental process is separate from the words or actions.

 

heck, OP doesn't really even need to acknowledge one way or another his bad behavior... for me, realizing i was M to a serial cheater who only regretted being caught - it was cut and dry - "the locks have been changed, don't bother coming home."

 

the boundary, once determined, can be delivered without addressing any of it if a person is perfectly clear. it could potentially look like "if you have any form of contact or correspondence with OW i will divorce you immediately." this boundary could take the form of looking any way OP decides - but she just needs to be perfectly clear as to what she will or won't tolerate.

 

it is always best to process what a healthy boundary might look like before having a conversation with him and then taking action based upon his words and whether or not they match his actions.

 

for her (OP) - the only thing she can do now is determine what SHE is or isn't willing to do.

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jennie-jennie
There was a time I would have agreed with you on the bad behavior. I do understand the concept of loving the sinner but not the sin. (And on all other statements I firmly agree with you). I'm just concerened the OP's H won't hear her if she phrases it that way.

 

Let me try to put it in a light where the OP's H might see it.

 

OP: H, I believe your hiding this R from me is bad behavior even though you are not bad. Can you give US a try?

 

Result: he only hears BAD and closes up.

 

OP: H, I believe that you connected with someone else on a deeper level than you have with me and I feel you did not give me the chance to show you that we could have a connection that deep if not deeper.

 

Result: H listens.

 

Try not to focus on good or bad. Just focus on if you two are right for each other and if you are, fight fight fight for it. This also means that if you are not right for each other, accept it and walk away. Either way, he won't hear you if you use labels such as 'bad'. He'll just say you like to blame him.

 

Wow, I really like this post.

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for her (OP) - the only thing she can do now is determine what SHE is or isn't willing to do.

Thoroughly agreed:)

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Thanks for all of the replies!

 

I am doing ok - obviously still very hurt. Also nervous - hoping that H really does want to work on "us." Just scared that his feelings will lead him the other way.

 

He comes home tomorrow night and hopefully we can have a good discussion. If he does want our marriage to work, I am thinking of telling him we can get through anything, however, he has hurt me to a level he many never realize. He trusted his deepest emotions with someone else, and never gave me the chance with those emotions. I feel that we can have a stronger connection than ever once we get through this. But, all connections with her MUST end. Also, it will be very difficult for me to trust him for a long time.

 

Any advice on this discussion? Also, if he does decide he wants to save our marriage, how do we figure out why he couldn't open up to me in the first place?

 

Thanks again...

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I did something similar a few years ago, my wife still insists it was some kind of emotional affair, I never saw it as that, she was just a close personal friend. I never saw it as an affair, I still don't and I don't think most guys I know do see things that way.

 

I can tell you how it happened, my marriage was kind of in a rut, neither of us bothered to do the little things like complementing each other, making each other feel good. My friend did what close friends do, make you feel good, complement how you look, talk about personal things that you won't discuss with your wife. You slowly grow closer, it feels good, it makes you feel good about yourself, it's the ego boost you don't get from your wife anymore.

 

Then she found some emails and accused me of cheating, I knew she was mad but I didn't realize how mad. I wasn't cheating in my eyes. All we had ever done was talk, nothing physical, in my mind that wasn't cheating. Of course I lied about some details, our first instinct is to always lie to try to get out it, maybe we start by lying to ourselves, I don't know.

 

It was a painful time, I got lucky, my friend moved out of state a couple later or my wife probably would have never trusted me to leave the house again, and things went back to normal, but it took a lot of time.

 

My first thought when it all happened was, "if I get in this much trouble for just talking, if it's as bad as having sex, why was I faithful, why didn't I just have sex with her?".

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Rob,

Thanks for sharing your story. I really do not intend to "yell" at my husband or "get him in trouble." If he does decide he wants to work on our marriage, I am going to just have a serious discussion with him on what it is going to take (a lot of it will be up to him), and he has to know how much he hurt me and that it will take a long time to trust him again. I just feel that I need to be completely honest and open with him, and hopefully he can do the same with me.

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Rob,

Thanks for sharing your story. I really do not intend to "yell" at my husband or "get him in trouble." If he does decide he wants to work on our marriage, I am going to just have a serious discussion with him on what it is going to take (a lot of it will be up to him), and he has to know how much he hurt me and that it will take a long time to trust him again. I just feel that I need to be completely honest and open with him, and hopefully he can do the same with me.

 

This sounds right. As Whiteflower said above..you need to focus the conversation around how this has made you feel...what that means for your relationship...and what he can do to make you feel emotionally safe enough to put yourself in the vulnerable position of working things out.

 

I am reading from your posts that for starters you are going to need some signs of commitment from him here. One, that he end the relationship with the OW, two, that he is sure he wants to be with you, and three, that he will take some action steps towards working on what has happened.

 

Be sure to let him know all the work that you are willing to do here. Be sure to validate for him that you had a part in the relationship being where it was. I'm not saying for you to accept responsibility for what happened...but for you to accept responsibility for the state of your relationship...the conditions that led him to look outside the marriage. He needs to feel like things can truly change for both of you.

 

Good luck. I have been on both sides of this fun little situation..I know how hurtful and scary it can be for all involved.

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He trusted his deepest emotions with someone else, and never gave me the chance with those emotions. I feel that we can have a stronger connection than ever once we get through this.

Also, if he does decide he wants to save our marriage, how do we figure out why he couldn't open up to me in the first place?

 

I think the answer to this is evident in some of the things you said in your original post...

 

 

He also expressed that it has been difficult for him to open up to me emotionally.

 

Now, for the messages, he says that he had become good friends with this co-worker. She was the only "normal" one at work and they would often vent with each other about work stuff. He claims that they have become very close and that she is a very good person. He is able to open up to her emotionally and they boost each other up.

 

I don't know what caused the rut that my husband is in. I am a very successful business woman - and the bread winner for the family. Sometimes I think that he never saw us in the position we are in (living in Suburbia, me with a really good job, him with an average job he is over-qualified for). He swears that this isn't the problem, but I can't help but think it somehow is related.

 

He can deny it until the cows come home, but even you just SUGGESTING that this may be the cause to him, hurts his male pride.

 

I would be willing to guess that at work this co-worker/OW of his is equal or lower than him on the corporate ladder. I would be willing to guess that she looks up to him, and that she makes him feel 'manly'.

 

Male pride is a fragile thing, it doesn't seem fair to us women, but it is true. Men want to be made to feel like they are the provider. They want their wives/women to feel proud of them. They want to feel like the 'protector' of thier family.

 

If you have in the past told him that he is over-qualified, and has an 'average' job, then he doesn't hear that the same as you intended it. I promise you. I am sure when you said it, you meant that he is better than his job, and you have faith that he is worth more than he is getting right now. But the way a man hears that is 'I am not good enough. I am not providing enough. I am less than'... i am sure that is not how you intended it, that is just simply the difference between men and women.

 

I think that that is part of reason My MM is attracted to me. I compliment him regularly. I tell him how proud I am of him and all that he accomplishes. I thank him honestly for all the 'manly' things he does. I don't do it consciously, it is just my nature. But once you understand how to stroke the male ego, and you put it into practice, it is amazing to see how they live up to your expectations, wanting to please you, and because they feel they are accomplishing that, they try even harder to continue to get that praise. It is probably not even a conscious thought he has, it is just how it is. (I am sure people here will disagree with me, but just try it, and watch the changes you see.)

 

I am not saying that you have done anything wrong. Please do not take it that way. We women say and do the things we do out of love and concern, it is nothing you have said or done wrong, it is just that he interpreted your words differently than you intended them.

 

I would suggest that you tell him that you crave to be his best friend, and are willing to work harder towards that end. When you sit down to talk about this, try hard rather than to blame and finger point, to tell him all the things you love and admire about him, and make it clear that you really want to work this out. It is okay to let him know how very hurt you are and that you expect him to be the protector of your heart, not someone you have to protect your heart from.

 

I think he loves you very much, and I think this is just a bump in the road that will soon be past.

 

I would like to recommend reading an E-Book called Secrets Of Fascinating Womanhood. You can download it free online, just google it. It is a bit of a cheesy read, but if you really want to understand the way a man's mind works, and how to use it to your advantage in your marriage, give it a quick read.

 

Again, many people will disagree with me, but I think if you try a few of the suggestions you find in it, you will see that you and your husband can have a renewed friendship and a bond that no one will ever be able to break between again.

 

Good Luck, hun. I wish you much love and happiness.

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Make him feel like a total stud & he'll forget she exists. You need to read up on guys minds & how they work...

 

RobM is totally right - a guy doesn't think it's an A until it's physical. I told OM we were in trouble about a year into our friendship, and he didn't see it at all. I also know FA is right - OW is usually a huge ego stroker, I know I am.

 

Surprisingly, this is what the girl scout manual from the 50's tried to teach. I consider myself a feminist, but I know men & I know how to boost egos.

 

Play smart here....you need to win him back.

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Is he meeting YOUR needs?

 

How about he be a man and talk to you about what is going on instead of telling someone else?

 

Remember also - this isn't YOUR fault. He has culpability here too.

 

You don't need to worship him, wait on him hand and foot and treat him like a king.

 

I agree with FA that I think his ego has taken a hit.:rolleyes: I get it, but geez, come on.

 

You two could be right for each other or not. You could have outgrown him. But don't think you have to change who YOU are. Don't grovel for him, he isn't worth it, IMHO.

 

IF you want it, he has to want it too. YOU both need to work together towards a healthier happier marriage. Couples counseling could help!

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Is he meeting YOUR needs?

 

How about he be a man and talk to you about what is going on instead of telling someone else?

 

Remember also - this isn't YOUR fault. He has culpability here too.

 

You don't need to worship him, wait on him hand and foot and treat him like a king.

 

I agree with FA that I think his ego has taken a hit.:rolleyes: I get it, but geez, come on.

 

You two could be right for each other or not. You could have outgrown him. But don't think you have to change who YOU are. Don't grovel for him, he isn't worth it, IMHO.

 

IF you want it, he has to want it too. YOU both need to work together towards a healthier happier marriage. Couples counseling could help!

 

I in NO WAY condone changing who you are or groveling for him nor ANY one. Please let me make that clear.

 

I am not suggesting that you become his servant, all I am saying is to be who you are, and say what you feel, but word it in a way that doesn't hurt his ego. There are ways of encouraging him to want more than an average job, without wounding his pride.

 

I am speaking only from my own experience in saying that by rewording what I want to say, I tend to get my point across in a way that makes him appreciate what I say rather than be hurt by it.

 

It sucks, but the male ego is really much more fragile than they will willingly admit to, and a woman who understands that and knows how to play it to her advantage can take back control in a relationship gone awry.

 

Again, I do NOT condone "worshiping him", just being vocal about what you appreciate about him, and carefully word anything that is 'critical' of what he percieves of as his 'manly attributes'.

 

And FO, I agree whole-heartedly that he should have spoken with her and tried to fix whatever is broken rather than to go outside of his marriage for ego stroking. You KNOW that I don't think it is right to have an affair, even if I am in the midst of one myself right now. *sigh* I am just offering my opinions in an effort to help.

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I in NO WAY condone changing who you are or groveling for him nor ANY one. Please let me make that clear.

 

I am not suggesting that you become his servant, all I am saying is to be who you are, and say what you feel, but word it in a way that doesn't hurt his ego. There are ways of encouraging him to want more than an average job, without wounding his pride.

 

I am speaking only from my own experience in saying that by rewording what I want to say, I tend to get my point across in a way that makes him appreciate what I say rather than be hurt by it.

 

It sucks, but the male ego is really much more fragile than they will willingly admit to, and a woman who understands that and knows how to play it to her advantage can take back control in a relationship gone awry.

 

Again, I do NOT condone "worshiping him", just being vocal about what you appreciate about him, and carefully word anything that is 'critical' of what he percieves of as his 'manly attributes'.

 

And FO, I agree whole-heartedly that he should have spoken with her and tried to fix whatever is broken rather than to go outside of his marriage for ego stroking. You KNOW that I don't think it is right to have an affair, even if I am in the midst of one myself right now. *sigh* I am just offering my opinions in an effort to help.

 

I get what you're saying here, FA and I think you did a great job at trying to point out (gently) what the OP perhaps needs to do. Maybe the OP doesn't need to do this-maybe her H is just a jerk.

 

Men's egos are fragile...it's deceiving, because many men adopt the 'tough guy' persona. It doesn't have anything to do with being the wife being a servant or a suck-up to her H. It has to do with sincerely appreciating him. Nothing wrong with that--it's just being kind. I tried it with my H and it worked. Many times (not always), this is something that some OW understand better than some wives.

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Scared09,

 

Since you are new here it might help you to know that Devil Inside is a family and marriage counselor. How lucky we are to have him on this site helping us for free with his knowledge and experience! Thank you D.I.!

 

Scared09, please give us an update about your talk. I hope all goes well. Your H sounds like a lucky guy in having you for a W. Since you asked for advice about the talk (hope I'm not too late) it sounds like you already know what to do but I would stay calm, try not to blame, and focus on how you can move from here instead of what he did.

 

Good luck.

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All,Thank you so much for all of the advice.

 

We have had several serious talks since my husband returned. I would say overall they went very well. It was very difficult and emotional, but I felt I had to be completely honest with him, not only about the hurt I was feeling, but also with knowing that I wasn't providing something for him.

 

He has said he wants to work on the issues that wouldn't allow him to open up to me. We have talked and we think it is a lot of little things that have just gotten to him over time. However, he is still frustrated with himself because he feels that he can't articulate or even identify how/why he is feeling the way he is.

 

I probably went a little overboard on dwelling on what he did, and I realize that is wrong. I am now just trying to be there for him and help him through this - letting him know how much I love him and that we can get through anything, as long as we do it together. It is definitely now time to work on the issues that caused this all in the first place.

 

He has agreed/wants to see a counselor. I also think we should do this, but I am a little nervous about it. Is that normal? Also, how does one pick a marriage counselor? There are SO MANY, and I really want to find the right one that will HELP us.

 

Thanks again for everything.

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torranceshipman

Maybe he is a generally good person who has done something incredibly stupid and might be on the precipice of making a ridiculously huge mistake (starting a PA / letting this EA continue). Help him understand by saying you'll leave him if this continues.

 

I think the issue here is that he has such a great situation with you, that he takes this for granted (without expressly trying to take you for granted - probably he has it so good he genuinely doesn't realize how good. Make him realize by taking it away!)....he is looking for a little extra with this EA, the cherry, on top of the cake (sorry, bad analogy but you know what I mean) - with you and your whole shared life the cake and the EA as the cherry. Pull the cake out and suddenly the cherry is a bit sad and pointless sitting there on its own, whereas before it was making the existing cake look a bit more glamorous.

 

Also, making him face the possibility of losing you avoids his feeling like he is being a martyr by dropping contact with the A partner (forbidden fruit can also look more appealing!) - instead, let his panic set in at the thought of losing you, and this will make him automatically realize that you are the big prize.

Edited by torranceshipman
typo
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WalkInThePark
I I would like to recommend reading an E-Book called Secrets Of Fascinating Womanhood. You can download it free online, just google it. It is a bit of a cheesy read, but if you really want to understand the way a man's mind works, and how to use it to your advantage in your marriage, give it a quick read.

 

Hi, you mentioned that book elsewhere on Loveshack. I downloaded it out of curiosity but it really made my toes curl. It is so CONSERVATIVE, and sexist. I definitely understand that it is important to be a pleasant, attractive partner for one's spouse but it goes in both directions I think. We all like to be admired, loved and taken care for but I think that a mature man has to be able to put his pride in perspective.

The one thing I absolutely think is very wrong in this book, is that it discourages women to have a professional career. Anno 2009, this is simply unacceptable. I mean, what a waste of money, resources and brains to have girls pursue studies only to turn them into stay at home moms afterwards.

This said, I have sometimes noticed that some men react in a negative way when they hear what job I am doing. It is a job with a lot of status, job security and a very good income. But when you meet someone, often one of the first questions is what you do for a living? I don't brag about it but I don't want to lie about it either. It would be like saying that you are a nurse when you are in reality a doctor...

I would think that a mature man will appreciate the fact that his partner has an interesting professional career. It does not make a woman less a woman...

 

I always find it a bit easy when people say that cheating happens because needs are not being met. It is also everyone's responsibility to express their needs, this is valid for men and women.

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torranceshipman

As an addition...sadly I agree with some posters about the male ego thing. I only really like to date successful men, who out earn me, to avoid this potential problem from rearing its ugly head...

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