hopeless4u Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Not looking to be shot down here, I have ended the A and will never go back unless he leaves her so thats not an issue. We haven't gone NC as he's in the middle of DIY for me and to be honest I have no problem being around him, I know I won't go back to a PA with him while he is still being intimate with his W, again thats not a problem. My question is why is he still doing all this stuff for me, he has worked his ass off, not done his day job and gone home and worked till midnight to catch up knowing that he's not going to get anything from me unless he leaves his W. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Guilt for dumping you and going back to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Spoiled Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Not looking to be shot down here, I have ended the A and will never go back unless he leaves her so thats not an issue. We haven't gone NC as he's in the middle of DIY for me and to be honest I have no problem being around him, I know I won't go back to a PA with him while he is still being intimate with his W, again thats not a problem. My question is why is he still doing all this stuff for me, he has worked his ass off, not done his day job and gone home and worked till midnight to catch up knowing that he's not going to get anything from me unless he leaves his W. He may have sincere feelings for you. Not all MM have A just for the sex. There ARE men who also enjoy good conversation and friendship. They have emotional needs. Or he could still have hopes that you will one day "go back" to a PA with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 Guilt for dumping you and going back to his wife. Yeah but he didn't dump me I dumped him. I know if I wanted to I could have him back in a PA in a heartbeat. This is why I'm confused, does he think if he drags it out long enough I will give in?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 No, he is worried you will make his life difficult so he is keeping you sweet If he really wanted you he would leave his wife and be with you, end of story! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 He may have sincere feelings for you. Not all MM have A just for the sex. There ARE men who also enjoy good conversation and friendship. They have emotional needs. Or he could still have hopes that you will one day "go back" to a PA with him. This is what I think, he's just swapped the PA for an EA. I think he knows I won't go back but this is his way of still being involved in my life. Before when we've done NC is when he breaks, he can't handle not knowing what is going on in my life. Do you think this is his way of still being in control? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 (edited) Yeah but he didn't dump me I dumped him. I know if I wanted to I could have him back in a PA in a heartbeat. This is why I'm confused, does he think if he drags it out long enough I will give in?? Will you give in? That's really the only thing you need to be concerned about, right? Are you confused about what you will do if he keeps hanging around? And if you dumped him, then why are YOU still letting him into your home for hours and hours? Edited December 5, 2009 by norajane Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 No, he is worried you will make his life difficult so he is keeping you sweet If he really wanted you he would leave his wife and be with you, end of story! No its not that, he knows I would never make his life difficult, no point to be honest which leads me to your next point, he knows that if he wants to be with me he has to leave his wife. We have had that conversation, I love him but will not be with him until he knows what he wants so still the question.....Why?? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Spoiled, I don't recall anyone saying it was just for sex. Hopeless, he is still getting his emotional needs met. Where are you when he is at your house doing stuff for you (and I am actually shocked you are continuing to use him to do stuff around your house). I bet he is waiting for you to break on the PA side of things. And I think you like knowing where he is and what he is doing just as much as he likes keeping tabs on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 Will you give in? That's really the only thing you need to be concerned about, right? Are you confused about what you will do if he keeps hanging around? And if you dumped him, then why are YOU still letting him into your home for hours and hours? No I won't give in, that I am sure of:cool: The reason he is still around is the DIY, he knows that. I can't do it by myself. He knows as soon as the DIY is finished that he will have NC with me. I really don't have a problem being around him because of the reason I ended things I know the PA will never happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I really don't have a problem being around him because of the reason I ended things I know the PA will never happen again. But seeing him all the time feeds your desire for him. It's hard to let go of someone and stop thinking about him if he's always there. He's gone back to his wife, but he's still in your house so you haven't yet faced the reality of not seeing him. Which means your healing hasn't begun, and it won't as long as you continue this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 ok he is there to do your DIY ... Maybe he likes DIY? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 Spoiled, I don't recall anyone saying it was just for sex. Hopeless, he is still getting his emotional needs met. Where are you when he is at your house doing stuff for you (and I am actually shocked you are continuing to use him to do stuff around your house). I bet he is waiting for you to break on the PA side of things. And I think you like knowing where he is and what he is doing just as much as he likes keeping tabs on you. As always FO, right again! I actually smiled when I read your post;) Yes his emotional needs are being met which is what annoys me sometimes but so are my DIY needs:lmao: He knows I can't get my DIY done without him and I know he's just dragging it out but doesn't that mean we are both benefiting from a **** situation? I'm usually at work when he is doing the DIY and yes I also think he is waiting for me to break on the PA side of things, I WON'T I promise;) Yes again you are right that I do like knowing where he is and that he is doing all this for me but......as my friends say.....so he should!!!!! I'm all good, still strong and very much in control:p xx I do love your post's FO, always give me strength xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 But seeing him all the time feeds your desire for him. It's hard to let go of someone and stop thinking about him if he's always there. He's gone back to his wife, but he's still in your house so you haven't yet faced the reality of not seeing him. Which means your healing hasn't begun, and it won't as long as you continue this relationship. We also work for the same company so we will run into each other at work. I agree when the DIY has finished it will be hard but I do think I will be able to do it. I have really moved on and seen him for what he really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 What is DIY? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I have really moved on and seen him for what he really is. Do you truly believe you have moved on already? Only you know the answer to that, but consider how many threads you've started about him in the last few weeks and whether you post in any threads on LS that are not about affairs and infidelity...it would seem he's still very much on your mind and you're still analyzing him and his actions and thoughts and are still working on what to do now. And that's ok - it's perfectly normal for it to take time to move past an affair. But you should be honest with yourself about it, and don't fool yourself that you've moved on when you haven't. It's only by being honest with yourself that you'll truly be able to move on. Denying how you feel will just make it take longer to heal because you will eventually have to address those feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I think it means.....do it yourself, as in odd jobs around the house. DIY can mean anything - odd jobs up through major renovations, but the key is you are 'doing it yourself' instead of hiring contractors. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I think it means.....do it yourself, as in odd jobs around the house. Thanks! I knew it was something simple having to do with the home repairs, but it just wouldn't come to me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 believe me - it is serving some selfish reason for him to be around or he wouldn't do it. it allows him to keep track of you? it allows him to make his presence known - so, subconsciously you are reminded of this presence and won't move FORWARD. (ie, be out there finding another man to be interested in) he can get a good boost from being around you. he can read your energy level when he's around once in a while - then he'll know when you're moving forward without him... he stays "mentally" connected to you even though not physically - ego boost for him. he makes sure he pees on "his territory" if someone else does eventually come around... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 believe me - it is serving some selfish reason for him to be around or he wouldn't do it. it allows him to keep track of you? it allows him to make his presence known - so, subconsciously you are reminded of this presence and won't move FORWARD. (ie, be out there finding another man to be interested in) he can get a good boost from being around you. he can read your energy level when he's around once in a while - then he'll know when you're moving forward without him... he stays "mentally" connected to you even though not physically - ego boost for him. he makes sure he pees on "his territory" if someone else does eventually come around... This is all true but it doesn't need to take on a negative connatation. Yet, 'marking his territory' could be part of what he is doing. H4U, he may be using this time in your home to really decide for one last time that he can live without you. He may be looking for signs that you have found someone new and what that would mean to him. Sometimes we think decisisons are final until after we made the decision. Wrong decisions are made all the time, hence the word regret. To answer your question, I believe he thinks its and honor and a duty to finish the DYI job for you AND that he wants to prove he made the right decision. We still don't know the end of this story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 believe me - it is serving some selfish reason for him to be around or he wouldn't do it. it allows him to keep track of you? it allows him to make his presence known - so, subconsciously you are reminded of this presence and won't move FORWARD. (ie, be out there finding another man to be interested in) he can get a good boost from being around you. he can read your energy level when he's around once in a while - then he'll know when you're moving forward without him... he stays "mentally" connected to you even though not physically - ego boost for him. he makes sure he pees on "his territory" if someone else does eventually come around... This is what my friends have said, if he is still in my life he thinks I won't move on and he is right for some of it but I am moving on. I won't deny that yes I still think of him 24/7 and still wonder when I haven't heard from him maybe he's sorting things out at home. I can't just switch my feelings off but I really do see him for what he is, a mixed up man with no backbone. I know he will never leave his W, this I have come to terms with so the crap he tells me, the excuses he gives me don't faze me anymore. He will be where he is forever and that is his choice, I am moving on, I know it will be hard but I will do it....thats my choice!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 This is all true but it doesn't need to take on a negative connatation. Yet, 'marking his territory' could be part of what he is doing. H4U, he may be using this time in your home to really decide for one last time that he can live without you. He may be looking for signs that you have found someone new and what that would mean to him. Sometimes we think decisisons are final until after we made the decision. Wrong decisions are made all the time, hence the word regret. To answer your question, I believe he thinks its and honor and a duty to finish the DYI job for you AND that he wants to prove he made the right decision. We still don't know the end of this story. Yeah I do think he is finishing the DIY because he started it and he knows I can't finish it by myself. Its interesting what you say about him making the right decision, he says he is still confused and still drops in conversation that he hasn't decided to stay with the W and doesn't know what he wants. This used to give me some hope but now it just convince's me more that I made the right decision to end things. I can feel inside my heart the feelings I have for this man weakening, I know when we go NC its going to be hard but I also know this has to end, one way or the other. I will not waste my life waiting for him and the longer he takes to make that decision the more likely I will be ready to walk away when he finally does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 Do you truly believe you have moved on already? Only you know the answer to that, but consider how many threads you've started about him in the last few weeks and whether you post in any threads on LS that are not about affairs and infidelity...it would seem he's still very much on your mind and you're still analyzing him and his actions and thoughts and are still working on what to do now. And that's ok - it's perfectly normal for it to take time to move past an affair. But you should be honest with yourself about it, and don't fool yourself that you've moved on when you haven't. It's only by being honest with yourself that you'll truly be able to move on. Denying how you feel will just make it take longer to heal because you will eventually have to address those feelings. No, I should have worded that differently, I am moving on. I know I have a long way to go and when the NC starts its going to be so hard but I am feeling much stronger than I ever have. The fact that he is still in my life may not be 'the norm' for breaking up but I truly think its working for me. I look at him now and I don't want to put my arms round him to help him with HIS pain, I just think, well its his choice to be where he is and only he can change that. He knows if he wants to be with me he has to leave his W, if he can't do that then he obviously doesn't want to be with me as much as he says he does. I am not staying in waiting for him, I have very good friends who want me to move on and will not let me sit and wallow in self pity so my life is moving forward and if he does eventually leave his W and I've moved on then that is his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 do it yourself - hes putting in cabinets or something for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 Just to explain the DIY thing (sorry i've confused people) He has re plastered the walls in my kitchen, done electrical work and plumbing, all stuff I couldn't do myself. Everything I can do myself I am and as I said before I have no problem being around him although today I've been feeling angry:confused: Maybe I'll start a new thread for that one! Link to post Share on other sites
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