he told her...

[CCNowWhat]

about me. He went home and told her that he has been having an affair for years and he told her everything. I only briefly spoke to him and I am in complete shock. Why would he go and do that, rather than just say things aren't working out? I don't know all the details b/c like I said we spoke briefly and half of it was not absorbed into my head. Will find out more tomorrow.

 

The past few days have been rough for me with him telling me that he wanted to work on his marriage. I was never going to fight someone into trying to be with me if that is not where he wanted to be. Monday morning I woke hysterically crying, I couldn't breathe. I caved in and called him. We talked and he told me that he was struggling on what to do because he talked to a few people and they all said if you are not happy you should leave. It was/is very hard for me to just never speak to him again because we were friends first, best friends. I told him that and I said I just need time to ween myself of him and I wanted him in my life but I was moving on with mine (seriously for real I was) I told myself I have to pick up the pieces and make my life better. so that was that

 

Today I struggled a little bit. I kept thinking that I was pathetic for even having the thought of that maybe one day we would be together but it still didn't stop me from trying to move on. Its things I had to deal with, they just dont go away. I got really upset b/c I told him that I would find someone like him and that I would just be settling for someone else. ok call me pathetic I know. I made a dr appt right away to get myself on anti-dep's because I need something to deal with the day to day of ending in. Also I told him that I decided that it would be best that whent the time comes that the pills kick in that I needed to not speak to him again and that if he was 100% sure (which at this point again he said he was) that he wanted to work on his marriage that we had to part ways. Listen its a hard pill to swallow when you say something like that and i let him know exactly what I felt and how he promised me how things were going to be. I left it at that.

 

So what does he go and do, right after I talk to him? he goes home and tells his wife about us. He said he was tired of the back & forth and decided to come clean with her. Obviously she was not happy but he said that she seemed ok, I mean I dont know if that was because she was in shock. I do feel terrible I really do and I am not happy about how this all went down. I don't know why he did this. Did he do it because he thought I was going to? I asked him that and he said no, he was tired of living a lie and that he was for once going to stand up and face the music on what he has done. I know that he is up ****s creek for a long time. He is worried about his kid. He says that tomorrow is a new day and that he is going to start being something for once in his life with everybody- honest. thats all I know

 

I am in no way thinking oh he is mine now!!! I don't think that. I am very confused. For all I know he went back and they are working it out. If he didn't then I made a promise to him to be his friend. Any advice?

 

** My advice to anybody that is thinking of or in the beginning of an affair, get out now, seriously the pain is unbearable** If you are in any relationship where you are not happy just get out of it and meet someone new that can give you what you want ** Affairs suck the life out of you

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im very sorry. i know all to well the pain involved with this.

 

from my own personal experience i think that him telling her was his way of coming clean and trying to work on his marriage. he probably knows he cannot fix his relationship with her without telling her whats wrong.

 

for a few days at least you will have the hope that he did this to walk away. in reality, he probably didnt. he probably wants to stay with her. and judging by her reaction she probably wants to stay with him too.

 

im very sorry for your pain. in my situation i had no idea what could come of an affair. i certainly wouldnt have ever been a part in something like this had i known.

[CCNowWhat]

im very sorry. i know all to well the pain involved with this.

 

from my own personal experience i think that him telling her was his way of coming clean and trying to work on his marriage. he probably knows he cannot fix his relationship with her without telling her whats wrong.

 

for a few days at least you will have the hope that he did this to walk away. in reality, he probably didnt. he probably wants to stay with her. and judging by her reaction she probably wants to stay with him too.

 

im very sorry for your pain. in my situation i had no idea what could come of an affair. i certainly wouldnt have ever been a part in something like this had i known.

 

He had always told me that if he ever got caught that he would pack up his **** and leave. I did say to him well maybe you can work things out and he said exactly what he has always said to me- that is not even an option with her.

[2sunny]

if he stays in his marriage - your friendship will need to end. logistically there isn't room in a healthy marriage for three people.

 

were you a secret to his wife? or just the level of the friendship was a secret?

 

either way - he will cut you out for her sake if he intends to stay married. get ready for that part of your life to change.

[CCNowWhat]

if he stays in his marriage - your friendship will need to end. logistically there isn't room in a healthy marriage for three people.

 

were you a secret to his wife? or just the level of the friendship was a secret?

 

either way - he will cut you out for her sake if he intends to stay married. get ready for that part of your life to change.

 

If he stays obviously I won't ever have anything to do with him again. I don't think he has that option. But if that is that case I will back away.

 

Yes I was a secret to her.

 

My life has already changed.

[2sunny]

if you were a secret to her then you really weren't his best friend.

 

a best friend is not designed to be a secret... that should have been the first clue that he would protect his wife against you to begin with. he never told her for fear of hurting her.

 

who does that with a best friend? i am very dear friends with a man (i am a woman) - his wife knows we are closely tied... she doesn't have any problem with it, we don't have sex though, and we don't cross boundaries that would disrespect his marriage. we encourage each other and are supportive when needed. THAT is a true friend.

[Boundary Problem]

You asked for advice.

 

Sounds to me like he doesn't know his own mind.

 

So either be prepared to feel like a ping pong ball for the next period of time, or go NC and let him clean house.

[CCNowWhat]

if you were a secret to her then you really weren't his best friend.

 

a best friend is not designed to be a secret... that should have been the first clue that he would protect his wife against you to begin with. he never told her for fear of hurting her.

 

who does that with a best friend? i am very dear friends with a man (i am a woman) - his wife knows we are closely tied... she doesn't have any problem with it, we don't have sex though, and we don't cross boundaries that would disrespect his marriage. we encourage each other and are supportive when needed. THAT is a true friend.

 

Our friendship evolved into being best friends. I understand what you are saying I do. I am sorry it is not as simple like that though. It just isn't.

[2sunny]

He had always told me that if he ever got caught that he would pack up his **** and leave. I did say to him well maybe you can work things out and he said exactly what he has always said to me- that is not even an option with her.

 

and this is why we never believe what they say - only believe their actions. his actions have now said that he wouldn't immediately pack and move... and obviously she has given him options he wasn't admitting to before... and obviously he's willing to tell her the private info about you now that you thought he never would. his actions say he will protect his wife - even at your expense.

 

sounds like his actions are throwing you under the bus... some friend...

 

i wouldn't ever speak to him again.

[2sunny]

Our friendship evolved into being best friends. I understand what you are saying I do. I am sorry it is not as simple like that though. It just isn't.

 

it never is simple. make it simple now - you have a choice - get your life back - get your power as a woman back... dump his lying a$$ so you can get busy living and being happy!

[Boundary Problem]

The fact his wife isn't his best friend is a huge warning sign to me.

 

There is going to be a lot of upheaval here.

 

Do you really want a front-row seat?

[CCNowWhat]

You asked for advice.

 

Sounds to me like he doesn't know his own mind.

 

So either be prepared to feel like a ping pong ball for the next period of time, or go NC and let him clean house.

 

I don't know what he was thinking. He knew before he said that she would not want to stay with him. She kicked him out.

 

I am not going to be a ping pong ball in any of this. I am moving on with my life. I have no choice. He needs to do what he has to do to get his life straightened out. He did tell me that he was going to follow through with all the promises that he made me.

[2sunny]

i read your prior posts... sounds like he was happy just to keep you as his OW by making promises and stringing you along.

 

it's not enough. he's selfish and would keep you in that position forever if you let him. i think he told her so he can HONESTLY work on his marriage. be prepared for NC. the wife will demand it and he will get sneaky in the future to keep you at his feet, undercover. or he'll wait til the dust settles with her and then reel you back in full force with LOTS more enticing things he tells you...

[Boundary Problem]

I don't know what he was thinking. He knew before he said that she would not want to stay with him. She kicked him out.

 

I am not going to be a ping pong ball in any of this. I am moving on with my life. I have no choice. He needs to do what he has to do to get his life straightened out. He did tell me that he was going to follow through with all the promises that he made me.

 

 

I think it is natural to have empathy for him. His pain and need drew you too him. And you extended compassion and love.

 

However....at a certain point your own emotional survival mechanism kicks in, and sooner or later you say to yourself...."I'm too old for this sh-t" and the situation starts reaping fewer worthy rewards for you.

 

It is such a classic that these MM move in and out and in and out of the marital home. And it is emotionally painful for OW. If you really like him, then it might be better for you to go NC.

 

Depends what you want.

 

If the friendship is more important to you (rather than chasing some relationship idea), then continue being his best friend.

 

Sometimes the marriage hangs together based on shared history and finances. Who knows what the two of them decide.

[2sunny]

The fact his wife isn't his best friend is a huge warning sign to me.

 

There is going to be a lot of upheaval here.

 

Do you really want a front-row seat?

 

maybe his W is his BF and he never admitted that to OW to keep her hanging around. MM lie, ya know?

[Boundary Problem]

maybe his W is his BF and he never admitted that to OW to keep her hanging around. MM lie, ya know?

 

 

 

Liars tend not to lie about every single thing in their lives.

 

Maybe she really is his best friend.

 

He was wrong about his wife's reaction. That tells me H and W don't know each other all that well.

 

All I'm saying is that I can sense him bouncing around as he gets his bearings and it will be painful for OP.

[2sunny]

Liars tend not to lie about every single thing in their lives.

 

Maybe she really is his best friend.

 

He was wrong about his wife's reaction. That tells me H and W don't know each other all that well.

 

All I'm saying is that I can sense him bouncing around as he gets his bearings and it will be painful for OP.

 

sure it will... this is never an easy path whether he leaves the W or stays.

 

and it will be painful for all of the people involved. it always is.

[Boundary Problem]

sure it will... this is never an easy path whether he leaves the W or stays.

 

and it will be painful for all of the people involved. it always is.

 

 

I agree.

 

I just feel like the deck is stacked against OP. H and W will decide if marriage will work.

 

I think OP should take back her power to decide if the situation "as is" has enough to hold her interest, rather than waiting for some man to say he loves her and then she is supposed to jump.

[2sunny]

I agree.

 

I just feel like the deck is stacked against OP. H and W will decide if marriage will work.

 

I think OP should take back her power to decide if the situation "as is" has enough to hold her interest, rather than waiting for some man to say he loves her and then she is supposed to jump.

 

you can still love someone and never be with them, never see them again.

 

OP does need to make a firm decision and stick to it. i only hope this does involve getting her power back. she now has a lot of years invested into this man that has never made her the priority first and foremost.

 

get your power back and become the best you know how to be, a happy, free woman! one who has a healthy boundary that keeps her happy and safe. you deserve it!

[2sunny]

he told her...

about me. He went home and told her that he has been having an affair for years and he told her everything

 

also, i bet he didn't actually tell her EVERYTHING... they never really do... they tell stuff that makes the OW look bad and info about himself to appear the victim of your stalkerish nature. he will paint himself as an innocent party.

[Boundary Problem]

 

also, i bet he didn't actually tell her EVERYTHING... they never really do... they tell stuff that makes the OW look bad and info about himself to appear the victim of your stalkerish nature. he will paint himself as an innocent party.

 

 

Time will tell.

 

If he's a dishonest person, then hopefully his W will keep him!

[WalkInThePark]

I don't know what he was thinking. He knew before he said that she would not want to stay with him. She kicked him out.

 

The Ws normally do NOT kick them out. Yes, they give them a hard time. But if the MM gives the slightest impression that they still want to give the M a chance, the W will go along with it. There is too much to lose, especially if there are kids involved. Don't forget that the idea that she could lose her H makes him all of a sudden very attractive in her eyes. Plus there is the triumph of being able to "win" from the OW.

There is a whole particular dynamic to this kind of situations, I have understood that by now. Your MM is probably not very happy in his M but for guys to leave a M, a lot more I needed. They hate to destabilise their life. It's no wonder that so many divorces are initiated by women.

[jennie-jennie]

isn't is possible that the wife realy does LOVE her husband, even though he betrayed her, and she wants to stay i the marraige because of that? there's every possibility she loves him, and wanting to stay has nothing to do with the kids, finances, the triumph of "winning' him from the other woman or anything else.

Her love for her husband is every but as valid as the love the other woamn feels for him.

 

Frozensprouts, I agree with you on this, but I have also seen the opposite happen.

 

My best friend had been dead tired of her long term relationship for a long time. Sex came down to a bare minimum, like once half a year. Along came another woman.

 

My friend fell into a similar desperate emotional state as we have seen many times here on LS, when the OW believe they are losing their MM. After a week of NC her SO called her back.

 

They started a time period of hysterical bonding, sex every day, "our relationship has never been this good", although her SO still kept the other woman. Finally he decided to stay with my friend and broke up with the other woman. Some months passed and now of course my friend became tired of him again and broke up with him. For good this time?

 

I am sure the dynamic at play here was just what WalkInThe Park was talking about: "Don't forget that the idea that she could lose her H makes him all of a sudden very attractive in her eyes. Plus there is the triumph of being able to 'win' from the OW. There is a whole particular dynamic to this kind of situations "

Edited December 2, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[WalkInThePark]

isn't is possible that the wife realy does LOVE her husband, even though he betrayed her, and she wants to stay i the marraige because of that? there's every possibility she loves him, and wanting to stay has nothing to do with the kids, finances, the triumph of "winning' him from the other woman or anything else.

Her love for her husband is every but as valid as the love the other woamn feels for him.

 

Love means trying to be your best self for yourself and for your partner. It means regularly checking in with your partner, checking if he feels happy, if he feels that his needs are met. Taking your partner for granted is NOT love. It's not because there is a routine and a history that it is love. It takes more than that. Thinking "He is mine because I have already put up with him for 20 years" is not love.

Wives who stayed at home for the kids, who don't have an own income, who have let themselves go physically, have a lot to lose if it comes to a divorce. Not only material things but also their identity because they do not exist separately from their marriage. They are "Ms X", "wife of X" and "mother of the X kids".

 

It's very different from a woman who works, has her own income and has built up her own life. It means that even if you divorce you have a lot of things which remain the same.

[bentnotbroken]

Our friendship evolved into being best friends. I understand what you are saying I do. I am sorry it is not as simple like that though. It just isn't.

 

 

Actually it is that simple. A best friend isn't someone to hide from your spouse. A healthy friendship isn't one that is conducted in secret. At least he grew a pair and owned his mess. There may be hope for him as a decent human yet.