bad day

[Heather1]

really, a bad week starting with Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving with my in-laws...not like it was bad, but I could hear the clock ticking the whole time. 3 days stuck. At least I didn't get the abuse I usually get there. I've tuned everything out. I checked out of my H family a long time ago, after a more than gallant effort on my part.

Anyway, OM sends me this email when I get back asking how it was & saying his was GREAT! Great. Not like I wanted him to have a crappy holiday like me, but do I have to hear about it? I asked him, non dramatically, to not really tell me about he & his wife's great times. All hell broke lose. He doesn't want the A, wants to be friends, says I broke the pact we made of having more feelings.

I just give. I think it's finally time for me to decide if I can handle being just alone. No H, no OM. My H has been an absolute jerk lately. He gained all his weight back & has our property in his name right now. That was supposed to be our dream house. I have some savings, I'd actually put aside my kids whole life for college. My H makes plenty of money, but only puts a third into our account & is FURIOUS if I ever bring up (when I sign our taxes) where that money goes?? I have no idea.

I got a lot going on.

[Heather1]

He comes from a wealthy family that's totally controlling with money. I think he just counts it? That's how his whole family is. I could care less if he was having an A, at least someone would be getting spoiled? Funny, OM is really wealthy too & in the past 2 years he's given me one $25 gift certificate. It was online, so the shipping when I picked out my gift, was $6. I know how to pick the wealthiest & the cheapest huh?

 

With my H, anything I want to purchase I buy with my part time job check. If it's furniture, or replacing an appliance, I have a small inheritance & I get the money from there. Ironically, I'm the one who's good with money. He would have never been in his financial situation without me & my savings when we married to get him started.

 

I just want to be with someone who appreciates me. Right now, I'm feeling really sad about it. I've stayed so far because of the money I've saved for the kids college, my oldest is a senior. I don't want that fund to be used for anything else. Yet there again, it's my dime.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You want to be with someone who appreciates you?? IMO you are going about this all wrong. Neither of these men REALLY appreciate you. They are both controlling you. You'll need to appreciate yourself more and hold yourself to a higher standard before anyone will apprecia(e ypu more than you appreciate yourself.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

trying not to t/j but this is sort of interesting. my xmm is VERY wealthy. we're not bad off ourselves, but xmm is very wealthy. i did everything in my power to keep money out of the relationship. so most he ever gave was a gift certificate here or there. i liked it that way.

 

and i never found the money appealing. it sort of sickened me to think of how much he really had. i wanted to keep us in the same "league".

[Heather1]

I don't care about the money either, I don't really care about the gifts (although I do wonder about that from time to time). I am surprised though, and the two do have a lot of similarities.

 

1 down, 1 to go I think. I talked to OM at length the last few days about how he seems happy, having great holidays, etc. & the only thing to bring him down is??? Well, me. So I told him I'm stepping aside.

 

I've been talking to my H too. He said if he doesn't have things in my name in a few months, I'm free to amicably leave. I'm thinking it's his passive/aggressive way to end things. Funny, that lot & the new house I thought would be our future.

 

I'm not in a bad spot right now. I need to do first things first, release the OM & see what my H does to save us. I want to be with someone who appreciates & wants to be with me. I finally get the way I've been handling this is like running w/ scissors.

[Fallen Angel]

I don't care about the money either, I don't really care about the gifts (although I do wonder about that from time to time). I am surprised though, and the two do have a lot of similarities.

 

1 down, 1 to go I think. I talked to OM at length the last few days about how he seems happy, having great holidays, etc. & the only thing to bring him down is??? Well, me. So I told him I'm stepping aside.

 

I've been talking to my H too. He said if he doesn't have things in my name in a few months, I'm free to amicably leave. I'm thinking it's his passive/aggressive way to end things. Funny, that lot & the new house I thought would be our future.

 

I'm not in a bad spot right now. I need to do first things first, release the OM & see what my H does to save us. I want to be with someone who appreciates & wants to be with me. I finally get the way I've been handling this is like running w/ scissors.

 

Please tell me you live in a community property state... I mean what kind of husband doesn't have his wife on the mortgage papers... force his controlling behind to sell and give you the half of everything you are entitled to.

 

Good luck to you and your kids. In my opinion neither of these men deserve you, good riddiance to bad rubbish.

[fooled once]

I don't care about the money either, I don't really care about the gifts (although I do wonder about that from time to time). I am surprised though, and the two do have a lot of similarities.

 

1 down, 1 to go I think. I talked to OM at length the last few days about how he seems happy, having great holidays, etc. & the only thing to bring him down is??? Well, me. So I told him I'm stepping aside.

 

I've been talking to my H too. He said if he doesn't have things in my name in a few months, I'm free to amicably leave. I'm thinking it's his passive/aggressive way to end things. Funny, that lot & the new house I thought would be our future.

 

I'm not in a bad spot right now. I need to do first things first, release the OM & see what my H does to save us. I want to be with someone who appreciates & wants to be with me. I finally get the way I've been handling this is like running w/ scissors.

 

Well, you said in the original post that the OM really just wants to be friends. So since you know that, to me, that would mean there really isn't any stepping aside to do. He just isn't into you that way.

 

As for your H, why are you letting HIM control you? Why are you putting it all on him for making the marriage work? What are YOU going to do to put your marriage back together? BOTH people have to be 100% invested for it to work.

[Heather1]

That is an excellent point!!

 

FA, yes, I do get half. It's a quick claim & easy to fix. It came up when we were both about to hop on a plane out of the country & I was updating our wills for our kids. There's another name on it who initially invested w/ us & we gave him his money years ago. His name is still on the title, so if anything happened to us, half would go to this guy & not my kids. So I'm mad @ my H & think it's really irresponsible of him to not protect both me & the kids with this investment.

 

I agree it's 100% both ways, and at times I've completely cut the OM out to work on our M. We had a good summer....I had him swimming with me for his weight & he showed up at his reunion looking really good. For Christmas I'm getting us a membership to a gym, cuz we had a great summer together. Our problems are multiplied when the OM is in the picture.

 

This Tiger Woods thing has been very interesting (off topic a little). It really shows me that when push comes to shove, everyone but the BS gets thrown under the bus. Yes, he's a huge celeb.....but in the matters of how it's going down it's a lot of what I've read on here. If we do end up with OM, that's even more chaos it seems.

 

I wish if I was going to end things w/ my H, I would have done it before OM. I have to admit though, if it wasn't for OM I would have never realized how much passion I still have for life & my interests that I would still love to share w/ someone. I realize it might not be with either of these men.

[Samantha0905]

My husband is wealthy also and we own our homes jointly. My vehicles have always been put in my name and my name is alone on other things we own also. He said if he ever passes away, he wants to make sure I have good credit. My beacon score is higher than his and I don't have a job. Your husband definitely sounds like he has major control issues.

 

I have noticed several times in my marriage (before my affair) when my husband has gone out of his way to discuss the fact gifted property can't be touched in a divorce settlement. Apparently, a lot of his ownership in the business is "gifted." I think it's pretty tacky to say such a thing to one's spouse.

 

I agree it sounds like you need to be on your own and away from both of these men.

[Heather1]

Isn't that interesting?? It's those little comments & actions that kill a M, and yet they don't even know it. I think my A was a wake up call.

 

OM seems very generous w/ his W & her family though. He supports them, and at different times her family members move in.

 

Maybe OM & I are both being controlled & that's the attraction? I think he's not generous because his W makes all the major financial decisions.

 

Money is a weird thing huh?

[White Flower]

I went to MC years ago with my now exH. Most of what we complained about was money. Our counselor told us that our problem was not about money. I knew what he meant but my exH did not.

 

He meant that my ex was very controlling and he used money as a vehicle to control me. It turned out that my ex was secretly day trading and all of our retirement and savings went into the stock market all to be lost. I had to leave him, but it took years to decide because, like you, I did not want to put my kids through a D and I feared college might be squelched.

 

One is finishing junior college now and ready to transfer and the another just graduated high school. The third has mapped out her college plan already and she is just a freshman.

 

MM may have gambled with women, but never with money. While he cheated on his W, he was always good to her financially. While I thought he could have done more for me his gifts were usually appropriate. I do believe that when the gifts were less than I would have expected it was due to his guilt and not a reflection of how he saw me.

 

I say dump them both and find someone who truly wants to spoil you with his love (not his money) and not hide money from you.

[Heather1]

My H doesn't understand when I bring it up either, which isn't that often.

I know I can't make a decision until after this school year.

 

Again, I talked to both today. It's so weird, I'm backing off from OM & he's been calling me almost every day.

 

WF, I admire your strength. I'm so scared to leave not knowing my future. I guess if I focus on what I want out of life & get some goals it might make things easier. The way things are working out now is I'm ego boosting two men & I'm drained.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If your still active in your affair...

 

Then why should your husband give a damn about you, I would want to ruin you in anyway shape or form, I know it's mean spirited, but these are some consequences of your bad choices to begin an affair.

 

I mean why continue talking to the OM, if it is over.

 

Make a choice, either your in or your out. Your husband is protecting himself. it's only natural. You need to understand if this is how it's gonna unfold then what are you complaining about?

 

You need to see that happiness comes from within. Not from others. if your happy inside, you will be happy outside. No chasing the affair or feelings that envoke it. You can regain that self love but you got to work on building it yourself.

[Heather1]

This stuff w/ my H was happening years before I knew OM.

 

I'm not unhappy, just confused. Need to figure out if I'm lonelier married or single.

 

I wasn't looking for an A by any means....I never go out to bars or get close to men in that kind of way at all. OM entered my life when 3 friends in a row died. Ideally, humans should be able to handle anything that's thrown at them....realistically, I handled it badly. Yes, I get my H should be furious, but he's not. I'm not that way either, which makes that part of our relationship good.

 

I think I just got walloped my ML & the crossroads it brings & need to figure out which route to go. I think my H is struggling w/ the same thing.

[Fallen Angel]

This stuff w/ my H was happening years before I knew OM.

 

I'm not unhappy, just confused. Need to figure out if I'm lonelier married or single.

 

I wasn't looking for an A by any means....I never go out to bars or get close to men in that kind of way at all. OM entered my life when 3 friends in a row died. Ideally, humans should be able to handle anything that's thrown at them....realistically, I handled it badly. Yes, I get my H should be furious, but he's not. I'm not that way either, which makes that part of our relationship good.

 

I think I just got walloped my ML & the crossroads it brings & need to figure out which route to go. I think my H is struggling w/ the same thing.

 

I was in a very bad marriage for a very long time, and finally left. But I understand the fear of being alone.

 

You have to ask yourself this... would you rather be alone by yourself, or alone with someone... because it seems to me that even though you are still physically sharing space with someone, you FEEL very much alone.

 

To my mind, they are very much the same, except that being alone by yourself, opens you to the possibility of finding someone you do not feel alone with. Where as being in your marriage and seeking a companion makes you feel ashamed... does that make any sense to anyone but me?