TOMan Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 I just stumbled upon the old thread that I started (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189601/)... Many thanks for sharing your kind thoughts and advice. Six months later, my MW and I went on ever closer spending much time and love together. Travelling together to many places, understanding each other better, and sharing much joy. She continues her "pretty happy" marriage, not "out of this world" but A LOT better than most marriages I have seen... and while it hurts me, I very much understand she does not want to deprive her kids of their dad, hurt a good hubby who has done nothing wrong, and so on... My own marriage is unambiguously ending... gladly in a way that lets our kids keep both parents. In a way, we both have the best of all worlds (she a ssolid family hubby plus a romantic, me the love of my life without the hassle of day to day logistics and kids) and ar happy with that. And yet, as people with real deep feelings who want ALL from each other, we are torn and hurt at times. But that still leaves us A LOT better off than many people in this world. We both don't like the lack of total openness about a deep love we both feel. But that's part of the package. And her H is amazingly accommodating, thus for the most part everyone is relatibely honest. Probably he is just crowding out of his mind what must look so obvious to an outsider. Funny, he is such a nice guy. Sometimes, I feel like taking him out for a beer and telling him how terribly lucky he is to be married to this woman, and why he doesn't take care of her better so that she would just be happy with him. No immediate crisis to solve, but we are also both struggling despite happiness. Even though I rationally accept her H's role and existence, emotionally I ultimately do not truly accept him. She is also struggling, fearing she would lose me at some time because I would move on because she is not fully available. So we love and struggle on. With our challenges, but still happier and better off than most I think. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Thanks for sharing your story. Interesting. I do understand the rational - emotional different takes. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 I just stumbled upon the old thread that I started (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t189601/)... Many thanks for sharing your kind thoughts and advice. Six months later, my MW and I went on ever closer spending much time and love together. Travelling together to many places, understanding each other better, and sharing much joy. She continues her "pretty happy" marriage, not "out of this world" but A LOT better than most marriages I have seen... and while it hurts me, I very much understand she does not want to deprive her kids of their dad, hurt a good hubby who has done nothing wrong, and so on... My own marriage is unambiguously ending... gladly in a way that lets our kids keep both parents. In a way, we both have the best of all worlds (she a ssolid family hubby plus a romantic, me the love of my life without the hassle of day to day logistics and kids) and ar happy with that. And yet, as people with real deep feelings who want ALL from each other, we are torn and hurt at times. But that still leaves us A LOT better off than many people in this world. We both don't like the lack of total openness about a deep love we both feel. But that's part of the package. And her H is amazingly accommodating, thus for the most part everyone is relatibely honest. Probably he is just crowding out of his mind what must look so obvious to an outsider. Funny, he is such a nice guy. Sometimes, I feel like taking him out for a beer and telling him how terribly lucky he is to be married to this woman, and why he doesn't take care of her better so that she would just be happy with him. No immediate crisis to solve, but we are also both struggling despite happiness. Even though I rationally accept her H's role and existence, emotionally I ultimately do not truly accept him. She is also struggling, fearing she would lose me at some time because I would move on because she is not fully available. So we love and struggle on. With our challenges, but still happier and better off than most I think. Yeah, whatever! That is funny. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 And her H is amazingly accommodating, thus for the most part everyone is relatibely honest. Probably he is just crowding out of his mind what must look so obvious to an outsider. He simply may not care, or he has an OW himself. There is a saying out there that goes something like... for every amazing, beautiful, wonderful woman out there, there is a man somewhere who is just tired of her sh*t. Something like that. He may like the status quo, and like the fact that she is out of his hair for the most part. She doesn't have to choose between you and H, so she simply won't. As long as you and H are 'ok' with things the way they are, I suspect they will stay that way until the affair runs its course. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Probably he is just crowding out of his mind what must look so obvious to an outsider. So he doesn't know...Which means the same thing that I posted on your other thread. Your MW is a cake-eater, living a big lie, living a double life. I guess if you're happy, and feel you're getting enough then that's good for you .. LB is right, things will always be this way until one person wants out. Problem is, let's say her H finds out the truth, that she's been living this double life for so long, do you believe that she will willingly leave him, give him a D, and come be with you? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 You do realize that you are not her love but more of her ego boost. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I am confused...... You are involved with a MW. You are not married. Her H doesn't know she is having an affair. And you are just fine with this -- the fact that this lying cheating woman is using you to get her ego boost and carrying on like a good wife and mother. And you are good with this. You are good being 2nd. You are good with getting scraps of her time when she can fit you in. Great! If you are good with it, and she is obviously good with it, I am guessing you will stay in this dance until someone gets tired of it. And hopefully, her H doesn't find out and kick your rear Link to post Share on other sites
Author TOMan Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Fooled-once: Don't be confused. Life is sometimes complicated. What you state is correct. Except that I am separated (and unambiguously so) after LT-M. I am fine with it--to an extent. Of course I'd love to have all of her. But life isn't always perfect, or is it? I see so many Ms that I find so much worse than our A... We truly love each other. I guess love does provide ego-boost, but after two years, I think we know that it is a lot more than ego boost that is going on in our R. And we are honest to each other about feelings, intentions and limitations, and, yes, also honest about the fact that MW is sleeping with her H.... and I am also honest to her that I don't like that. We are both busy professionals. We spend a lot more time and emotions with each other than she with her H or I ever did with my exW. That's why we are not just talking scraps off the table. That's why I guess I am ok with it--to an extent. I know it is complicated and ambiguous. But I certainly prefer my A over most Rs that I have seen and been in in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I know it is complicated and ambiguous. But I certainly prefer my A over most Rs that I have seen and been in in my life. I am certainly with you on this, but I think it is a threat to many BS and reformed other women on this site, that there actually exist happy other women and men, who can be happy with their relationship even though we want more. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 me the love of my life without the hassle of day to day logistics and kids) Of COURSE he's happy with a MW...he's a selfish person who doesn't want to have to deal with the daily logistics of being accountable to a wife and kids. So he got rid of his own, and borrows from someone else when it suits him! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 When you spend 4 or 5 Thanksgivings and Christmases utterly alone, when you turn around and find that you have nothing and she has it all, you won't be thinking about how much better off you are than other people. Sorry but you're kidding yourself about this relationship and it's going to slap you into reality someday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TOMan Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Thanks for your thoughts. I am struck, though, by the contrast between lonelyandfrustrated and angel111's posts. lonelyandfrustrated, you make me the selfish bastard who just takes from MW what and when he wants and does not care. Angel1111, you make me the victim of my MW who will eventually suffer badly. I understand where both of you are coming from, but how can both of you be so sure. And how can both of you come to such opposite conclusions so quickly? We are madly in love with each other, but we also realize the world is complicated. Yes, there are nights when I cry badly because I want all of her and I know she is with her H. There are moments when she cries because she fears I will eventually move on. But most of the time we are much happier than we could ever be without each other. Most of the time, we add value to each others lives in a way that probably no one else can. Yes, romantic fools. But recognizing that we are not alone in this world, and things can be complicated and ambiguous. Maybe it is about managing our feelings together in a sensible way. Stepping back from time to time, looking at what is really important to us in life and acting and managing accordingly. Passionately but not recklessly... Sorry it is complicated. That's life. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I think we're both saying essentially the same thing...you're in a 'selfish phase' right now, and it's going to bite you on the butt eventually. You described the day-to-day as a 'hassle'. Yeah, boy, is it. It's also rewarding, in knowing that you have a small group of people devoted to you and appreciative of what you do. What you have right now is a family you left because they are a 'hassle', and a woman who is devoted to SOMEONE ELSE. Your brain is playing tricks on you, man. You think you're happy now, but what you are is man of negative integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
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