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MM filed, served papers and moved out


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and then we went away on the most amazing and magical tropical vacation for a week. :D

 

To back up to where things left off, his W had called me because earlier that day, he had indeed told her about the A, and he also told her that he was in love with this person. She then checked his phone records, saw our thousands of messages, and put it together on her own (no, he did not reveal my identity to her).

 

The next day, he filed divorce papers.

 

The day after that, he told her he was leaving, and he wasn't coming back.

 

The next day, we left on vacation for a week.

 

(His plan was that after I gave him the ultimatum, he was going to do all the things I asked before contacting me again, which is why he didn't let me know about her call. Though he also didn't know about for a few days, as she didn't confess readily.)

 

While we were away, you can imagine how his phone and my phone were being blown up. The STBXW was calling all over town to his friends, his boss, his family saying he was severely depressed and suicidal. She left me a message to that effect, and I looked over at him, napping from a day at the beach with a smile on his face, while he was cuddling me after us making love. Yes, I have seen this man depressed and broken, but it was always when we were broken up. She, of course, is not doing well with admitting she had a part in the demise of their M.

 

He also has started seeing a therapist, which was my third request to him. In fact, he is seeing the therapist that both his STBXW and daughter started seeing while we were away. At first I was threatened by this, thinking he would walk into a blitz situation, and that he would be swayed back by guilt, but that hasn't happened, and if anything, the therapy is making him more convinced he did the right thing.

 

We both know we have a bumpy road ahead, as we know she won't make the D easy on him. But, though we have tough spots here and there, they don't put a kink in us, and if anything, they actually draw us closer together. Our communication is excellent, and we easily say how we're feeling without reproach.

 

I am intensely proud of him for doing this primarily for himself, and also because he loves me enough to rattle his world for us and our relationship. His family has taken the STBXW's side, and his daughter has her moments where she doesn't want to deal with him at all. These are hard on him, but he tells me that since leaving an unfulfilling M and being with me full-time, he wakes up hopeful and happy, so it's all worth it.

 

It is the most incredible feeling to not have to hide our love in the shadows. I am no longer a secret, and he continues to make me number one in his life, and proves that on a daily basis with his actions and words. We are already getting invitations to places as a couple, and I met his brother this week (the only family member who may ultimately accept me).

 

Anyhow, I have to run and finish cooking, as we are having our first Thanksgiving as a couple today. Wishing all the other OW reading the strength to continue fighting for their love. If you really believe your MM loves you that much, then believe your story can have a happy ending.

 

:D

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it's not the end - yet...

 

he hasn't finalized the D and you will still ride an emotional roller coaster at least until it is final.

 

so glad you can be happy - just wish you would have waited to pick up with him until the D was officially over. it will be hard for you between now and then.

 

it could be simpler if you just stay away until the chaos settles in his life - until then - enjoy it for what it is...

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jennie-jennie
it's not the end - yet...

 

he hasn't finalized the D and you will still ride an emotional roller coaster at least until it is final.

 

so glad you can be happy - just wish you would have waited to pick up with him until the D was officially over. it will be hard for you between now and then.

 

it could be simpler if you just stay away until the chaos settles in his life - until then - enjoy it for what it is...

 

AF, congratulations to you and your MM! And thanks for the wellwishes to us OW still fighting for our love. It warms my heart.

 

I have to react to the notion that the OW should stop seeing the MM when he finally gets out of the house and files for a divorce. I think what people fail to realize is that the OW and the MM are already in a relationship. It would be very strange to end that relationship just to pick it up later, the only reason being that the MM finally got his stuff together and chose one woman.

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AF, congratulations to you and your MM! And thanks for the wellwishes to us OW still fighting for our love. It warms my heart.

 

I have to react to the notion that the OW should stop seeing the MM when he finally gets out of the house and files for a divorce. I think what people fail to realize is that the OW and the MM are already in a relationship. It would be very strange to end that relationship just to pick it up later, the only reason being that the MM finally got his stuff together and chose one woman.

 

sometimes this works out. but the likelihood of the OW suffering through less pain to get the end result she is looking for is an easier path if she stays out of the picture until he is formally "available" and the D is final. the day to day chaos is usually very messy between filing and finalizing the divorce... tough times i tell you...

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jennie-jennie
sometimes this works out. but the likelihood of the OW suffering through less pain to get the end result she is looking for is an easier path if she stays out of the picture until he is formally "available" and the D is final. the day to day chaos is usually very messy between filing and finalizing the divorce... tough times i tell you...

 

I agree with the time between filing and finalizing the divorce being tough times, but NC with your MM is hell, so I don't believe that would make things any easier.

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Enjoy your brief respite from the drama today.

 

Please guard your heart through this divorce process, it is actually much more heartwrenching than just being an OW, because it feels like you are so close, yet so far. Ignore his waffling if you can and continue to live your life as you otherwise would. (If you react everytime he flip-flops, it WILL drive you crazy).

 

Best of luck to both of you. I wish you peace and balance in this time, you will need it!

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Wow! AF- well wishes to you & I'm happy for you.

After what you went through not too long ago I'm happy for you that you're happy.

 

:)

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I have to react to the notion that the OW should stop seeing the MM when he finally gets out of the house and files for a divorce. I think what people fail to realize is that the OW and the MM are already in a relationship. It would be very strange to end that relationship just to pick it up later, the only reason being that the MM finally got his stuff together and chose one woman.

 

I bet his lawyer feels differently.

I would strongly recommend laying low while this is unfolding...your presence can be a legal liability to him in court. Again, be CAREFUL. Has his lawyer given you the ok to "be public"? If he has...march on. If not, lay low.

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Anyhow, I have to run and finish cooking, as we are having our first Thanksgiving as a couple today. Wishing all the other OW reading the strength to continue fighting for their love. If you really believe your MM loves you that much, then believe your story can have a happy ending.

 

:D

Happy Thanksgiving! You have a lot to be thankful for. Congrats!

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Enjoy, AF! :)

 

I have to react to the notion that the OW should stop seeing the MM when he finally gets out of the house and files for a divorce. I think what people fail to realize is that the OW and the MM are already in a relationship. It would be very strange to end that relationship just to pick it up later, the only reason being that the MM finally got his stuff together and chose one woman.

 

sometimes this works out. but the likelihood of the OW suffering through less pain to get the end result she is looking for is an easier path if she stays out of the picture until he is formally "available" and the D is final. the day to day chaos is usually very messy between filing and finalizing the divorce... tough times i tell you...

 

 

There are strong feelings on both side of this debate. Some of the stories here support the "give it time, wait for him to heal, and then get together as an open couple" argument, as the OWs who lived through the immediate aftermath of the split felt themselves getting battered and bruised by the fall-out. Others leapt in together straight away, and flourished, with no looking back. I think it all depends on the history, the circumstances and the boundaries the s2bdM is prepared to draw around the couple. There is never no fall-out. But how much there is, and how it is handled, can vary greatly.

 

IMO, backing off at this point seems like a betrayal. Would you walk out on a friend who was going through a D? But that doesn't mean that it needs to be all about him - you need to draw your own boundaries and maintain your own priorities throughout the process.

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Thank you for all the well wishes! We are really doing great.

 

Yes, some days he does get smacked with venom or guilt trip from the STBX, like yesterday when she sent pics of their daughter without him on Tgiving and a note saying she hopes I am worth giving up everything in his life for (as if). But when she does things like that, it makes him even more convinced he did the right thing, as he sees how controlling and mean she is. Yes, he does miss seeing his whole family on the holiday, but his desire to NOT be around her is far greater than his desire to see them for a few hours.

 

But to answer the other question - he hasn't waffled once, nor has he flip-flopped. He has been, and continues to remain, absolutely convicted in his decision. In many ways, the very tough parts are behind us - like the big in-person confrontation with the STBX, his family's disappointment, the physical move-out. Our life as a couple is moving forward quite nicely, and none of the looming D stuff affects that at all.

 

To answer the other question, yes, he is living with me. I know many would advise against it, but it's working quite nicely for us. It would make no sense to me, personally, to see him less after we have fought so hard to get to this point. I understand there are arguments on either side, but for us, this is working, and it's what we both really want to do.

 

And all of the stress that hits us every few days from divorce stuff honestly brings us closer. He doesn't shut down on me, nor does he shut me out. We talk about everything so easily, and so well, that even a bad day makes us stronger by the end, as we know we are both willing to endure some unhappy moments in the short-term for the ultimate prize of our future together.

 

And we live in a no-fault state, so he and I living together or being out in public is not an issue that will affect the D in the slightest. In fact, she has another 6 days to sign the D papers, and if she doesn't, then he automatically wins the judgement for everything he asked for in the filing.

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jennie-jennie

Sending a photo of the Thanksgiving dinner, what a low point of the STBXW.

 

Hope you two enjoyed your Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, AF!

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Sending a photo of the Thanksgiving dinner, what a low point of the STBXW.

 

Hope you two enjoyed your Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, AF!

 

Oh, she's sunk lower, and I know she will continue to. Her favorite thing is to use their child as a pawn to hurt him. But as mentioned, her antics like that just remind him why he left her in the first place, so it's like every time she tries to hurt him or us, all she does is strengthen his resolve and bond us further.

 

Yes, we had a super day! Had a stellar meal, then went for a long walk (for months he talked about doing this), came home and made love, and then went to friends for drinks last night (our first invitation as an official couple! :) ) Hope yours was great, too!

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I'm glad your happy- and its nice to hear that some MM do "grow a set" and stand up for themselves.

 

Enjoy your happiness!! :) You deserve it!!!

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I don't normally post in this section, but I read your story, and am curious.

 

Are you concerned at all that he will begin a relationship with you, but follow the same pattern he has in the past and start having an affair behind your back? How do you instill confidence that it wont' happen?

 

I'm not judging, but just curious.

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How pleasant, AlphaFemale. I was wondering where you were.

 

Now that he has actually filed for a divorce and didn't throw you under the bus after the fuzzy d-day, you now have the answer you were looking for. I am so glad that he is in therapy and has an opportunity to see things clearly. I am also glad that his W and daughter are in therapy. I am sure a therapist will tell anyone they can not control the behavior of others-only themselves.

 

Hopefully, each person can make the best of what they've been given and his daughter can spend each holiday with at least one happy parent. No, I do not expect his STBXW to be happy with the situation right now, but if he leaves therapy sessions feeling like he made the right decision, his STBXW's therapy sessions should cause her to draw the same conclusions. It's all very fresh now. I simply hope this situation brings good for all involved.

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Please don't bash his STBXW right now considering how he did things and the timing of it all.

 

No one here would like to be basically abandoned without knowing where their spouse is over the holidays. That chid is not being used, that child is wondering where its father is at such an important time. That child will NEVER forget this holiday. Ever. This whole family - extended, and his included - will never forget what he has done. And guilt that he feels is likely only to be increased over time.

 

That said, strap in. The roller coaster is JUST getting started.

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jennie-jennie

Yes, we had a super day! Had a stellar meal, then went for a long walk (for months he talked about doing this), came home and made love, and then went to friends for drinks last night (our first invitation as an official couple! :) ) Hope yours was great, too!

 

I so much enjoy reading your posts. It is a dream come true. Live it for all of us OW who aren't there yet and might never be!

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Are you concerned at all that he will begin a relationship with you, but follow the same pattern he has in the past and start having an affair behind your back? How do you instill confidence that it wont' happen?

 

I'm not judging, but just curious.

 

I'm no more concerned about him cheating on me, than I would someone I didn't meet this way. I believe all relationships carry risk, and each one is individual. I don't think anyone treats everyone the same in their life.

 

but if he leaves therapy sessions feeling like he made the right decision, his STBXW's therapy sessions should cause her to draw the same conclusions. It's all very fresh now. I simply hope this situation brings good for all involved.

 

While I'd like to think this, I doubt it. She was a pretty bitter and mean man-hater before the D, so I don't see her as one day feeling it's for the best. She's like the master who kicks the dog in the head every day, and then when the dog finally runs away, she says he was an ungrateful and useless thing to begin with. She is not accepting a shred of blame for the demise of their M, and IMO, it takes two, and I feel both he and her let things get to this point and both gave up a long time ago. Thing is, she thought he would take it forever.

 

No one here would like to be basically abandoned without knowing where their spouse is over the holidays. That chid is not being used' date=' that child is wondering where its father is at such an important time.[/quote']

 

Please. Curtail the drama. His entire family, including the STBX, knows exactly where he has been since he walked out on her, and they most definitely know where he was yesterday. He called his child in the morning, and he told her he was spending the day with me. You act like he walked out and is in hiding. Far from. His daughter is hurt and upset her parents aren't living together anymore, but she has seen him daily since he left, or at the least, been in text or phone call contact with him, all by his initiation.

 

He is D his STBX, not his daughter. And she most certainly knows this.

 

I so much enjoy reading your posts. It is a dream come true. Live it for all of us OW who aren't there yet and might never be!

 

Aw, thanks!

 

But I think my situation is different in that he was really looking for an exit A, and I knew this from the get-go. He wasn't a guy who liked a little side dish from time to time and would never leave his W. He was a guy who was terribly unhappy in a bad M, and is also one of those who cannot be alone and not be in a R. But, when I gave him the ultimatum a few weeks ago, I very much meant it, as I was not going to be able to continue on in OW status, even though the thought of being without him was horrible.

 

Everyone needs to follow their own path of course, but for me, I was willing to lose him forever rather than be his OW another day. Luckily for me/us, he loved me enough to not let me go, and even through the tough times now and upcoming, he tells me that the alternative of losing me for life is simply not an option for him, so he's willing to endure the tough stuff for us. And I feel the same way.

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I'm no more concerned about him cheating on me, than I would someone I didn't meet this way. I believe all relationships carry risk, and each one is individual. I don't think anyone treats everyone the same in their life.

 

Fair enough, but isn't that like saying that dating a former drug addict carries no more risk for them doing it again than someone who has never done drugs?

 

I guess if you have no concerns, then cool.

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Fair enough, but isn't that like saying that dating a former drug addict carries no more risk for them doing it again than someone who has never done drugs?

 

I guess if you have no concerns, then cool.

 

Well, that's a good example, as I was once a drug addict, and would hate for someone to judge me by that, as I have been sober for almost 20 years.

 

I have the same concerns I would have about anyone I dated, to be frank, history included.

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Well, that's a good example, as I was once a drug addict, and would hate for someone to judge me by that, as I have been sober for almost 20 years.

 

I have the same concerns I would have about anyone I dated, to be frank, history included.

 

 

well, hope it works out for ya then.

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Fair enough, but isn't that like saying that dating a former drug addict carries no more risk for them doing it again than someone who has never done drugs?

 

I guess if you have no concerns, then cool.

 

 

No, it isn't like saying that. A drug addiction is the result of a severe psychological/emotional breakdown; a state of self destruction.

 

The "affair" in the case of a man in a woefully terrible marriage, someone holding on by the noose of family obligations, a hopeful early promise, and a load of guilt foisted on him, is born of a natural and healthy human longing--and is certainly not evidence of random, irrational "addiction".

 

Those men who repeatedly, and indiscriminately, cheat might be considered the "addicts".

 

But so are those men, in my opinion, who stay in bad marriages--delusional, unhealthy, self-destructive marriages, more deadly than any narcotic.

 

OE

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He is D his STBX, not his daughter. And she most certainly knows this.

You don't know much about kids, do you? How old is the daughter?

 

But I think my situation is different in that he was really looking for an exit A, and I knew this from the get-go.

 

He was a guy who was terribly unhappy in a bad M, and is also one of those who cannot be alone and not be in a R.

Neither of those is a huge red flag to you?

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