cybersister Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Sadly, after five and a half years, I have fallen out of love and decided to end the affair. It was all too easy to forget I was the Ow and to believe the lies ( that he was going to get a divorce and we would be together ) as he worked away from his wife and I could go see him whenever I wanted. Only at thanksgiving, and maybe one other trip a year, did he go play happy familes, and I hated that as it brought home to me that I was excluded. Last year he said was the last thanksgiving we would spend apart. we have been together each Christmas for the past 4 years Now I find he has lied again and will be with his wife and family on 26th. On some level I accepted some time ago that he would never leave her- partly through reading posts here. I told myself I could live with that- I loved him and half a man is better than none.. etc. it is only now when I know in the next day or so he is going to where I do not exist and it hurts that I know I am kidding myself. I am grateful to him- I have had the best but also the worst times of my life with him. had the greatest of hopes but the worst of letdowns. The hard part for me it the telling- we are long distance- it is unfair to end it over the phone, by text or email. But in person is a plane ride away-and then when I see him, will I lose my resolve? I know some will have no sympathy- I always knew he was married- in my defence I would say he had said from the night we met that his marriage was over, that he had not slept with his wife for the past 8 years and was going to tell her he wants a divorce. Now he says he has told her,and that they are discussing terms, but the truth is he cares more about money than anyone - this is why he has always worked away ( and was forever sleeping around til we met- I have certainly not been a wedge between him and his wife) and why he keeps putting off the divorce. I have just had enough. Edited November 23, 2009 by cybersister Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Half a man is better than none :eek:Wow, I think that's one of the saddest statements I have ever read. Link to post Share on other sites
whatever_nevermind Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I hope most OW will eventually get to the stage of having enough – enough sharing, enough waiting, enough lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cybersister Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Half a man is better than none... yes I see what you mean. And yes, when we met I was at a very low ebb with virtually no self esteem. In 2004, my marriage broke down, after years of living with a man suffering with depression I had come to believe it was my fault. I moved out, as had I waited for him to leave I'd have still been waiting . the same year I faced redundancy, had to move home 3 times before I settled and my mother died. MM was like a knight in shining armour. Said he wanted to look after me. At the time I felt I needed him. However as we have been long distance for some time I have learned to rely on myself, and found that his wanting to look after me really meant trying to control me. And on some level it is not so sad...some days I think that I enjoy having my own home and do not want to share - I like my own space and being able to decide what to do in it. So i suppose ideally I would like a man who is a partner but lives elsewhere- preferably in the same country ! Since I posted I have considered telling him long distance ie over the phone as I really do not look forward to the trip, as it feels fake to have this decision made and not reveal it to him ( we speak on the phone albeit briefly every day ) but think I should brave it out and do it properly. thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Sadly, after five and a half years, I have fallen out of love and decided to end the affair. It was all too easy to forget I was the Ow and to believe the lies ( that he was going to get a divorce and we would be together ) as he worked away from his wife and I could go see him whenever I wanted. Only at thanksgiving, and maybe one other trip a year, did he go play happy familes, and I hated that as it brought home to me that I was excluded. Last year he said was the last thanksgiving we would spend apart. we have been together each Christmas for the past 4 years Now I find he has lied again and will be with his wife and family on 26th. On some level I accepted some time ago that he would never leave her- partly through reading posts here. I told myself I could live with that- I loved him and half a man is better than none.. etc. it is only now when I know in the next day or so he is going to where I do not exist and it hurts that I know I am kidding myself. I am grateful to him- I have had the best but also the worst times of my life with him. had the greatest of hopes but the worst of letdowns. The hard part for me it the telling- we are long distance- it is unfair to end it over the phone, by text or email. But in person is a plane ride away-and then when I see him, will I lose my resolve? I know some will have no sympathy- I always knew he was married- in my defence I would say he had said from the night we met that his marriage was over, that he had not slept with his wife for the past 8 years and was going to tell her he wants a divorce. Now he says he has told her,and that they are discussing terms, but the truth is he cares more about money than anyone - this is why he has always worked away ( and was forever sleeping around til we met- I have certainly not been a wedge between him and his wife) and why he keeps putting off the divorce. I have just had enough. How often do you see him if he is a plane ride away?? I would end it by phone. If you even have the slightest feeling that you will "give in" and continue this rollercoaster, do not see him. That is unfair to you. Honestly, 1/2 a man is NOT better than no man. Take Thanksgiving for example; while you are alone, he is off with his wife. I don't believe for a second that they aren't sleeping together and I am sure you really doubt that claim too. If he wanted to end it, he would have. He is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. I hope you find the strength and resolve to end it once and for all. You deserve a WHOLE man. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cybersister Posted November 26, 2009 Author Share Posted November 26, 2009 we see each other once a month for a weekend and I spend most of my vacation time with him though he does not use much of his vacation time with me- like now.. thing is practically I need to clear stuff out from his flat- ie I have clothes, books, DVDs and Cds at his so I can travel light, though in reality there nothing I would miss that much if I did not go get it. And I think I actually do believe they do not sleep together and that he uses the spare room. He goes cos its important to him not to "lose" his kids- they are 28 and 30. One is married the past 4 years the other still home with Mom. His bigget concern as I said is money- I have to not exist so he pays less alimony plus he does not want to divorce til she has retired for similar reasons to do with health insurance I think he said. So he spends most of his marriage long distance for the bigger paychecks and does not divorce for money reasons too. So for that reaon I agree, why should he divorce, as you say he is having his cake and eating it. I have accepted that, and having decided that I want a relationship where money is tool not master He is 62, I am 51- he plans to retire when he can afford to ( money again), but is not wanting to relocate to UK. Time was I would have relocated to be with him when he was free, but not now. As the thread says. i have come to my senses, seen how one-sided it has been all along and finally got some self belief in place to know I can do better. So yes, by phone is better, and whilst I was thinking this unfair, he does pay the plane fares so given that money is his master I think that would be his choice too.... Though the weather is pretty miserable in the UK right now, and he lives in sunny Athens ...there you see another of the tempattions... funny how the mind tries to trip one up and undermine resolve- first its unfair to him, ( really ?) then there's the stuff to get ( we all have too much stuff anyway).. then there's te better weather- even I can see how lame that is. You are right - I have been addicted, and having got the resolve in place, to go see him to tell him would be like going to a bar to give up drink. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 And I think I actually do believe they do not sleep together and that he uses the spare room And what do their kids say about this? I hate to burst your bubble, but the chances of this actually being true, 8 years and they don't ever have sex nor sleep in the same room, are slim to none.. Anyway, good for you that you're ending it. Do it by phone, no point in wasting $$ to fly on plane just to do this face to face. Bottomline is, he's married, you're sick of waiting and being the OW, had enough, so for your sanity, phone is easier on you. If you SEE him in person, chances are he's going to try every trick in the book to try to keep you in his life as the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cybersister Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Yes, thanks for the support. had been going to go over this coming weekend but ended it by phone yesterday after considering advice here. - I waited unitl he was back from the US as he only made quick calls by mobile then. when back in greece we could at least have a proper talk. Missing him badly but feel ligfhter knowing I will not go through the torture of another thanksgiving being left out I will go get my stuff but after an interval- I suggested around mid january. So now I just need a plan to deal with the withdrawal cravings. We used to speak twice a day by phone so I need to make sure i am busy at those times, spend more time doing the things I used to do, and looking after myself. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! And I agree - wait to get your stuff. To get it now would just be an excuse to see him. You need time to digest the end and to get your head around it. When you normally would talk to him, make a plan to go out for a walk, be at the gym, be with friends -- anything to distract you! I know it will be hard but you can do it!! You deserve a WHOLE man and you deserve to not share!! Just think, next Thanksgiving will be totally different!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cybersister Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 he sent a really nice email saying he'll always be ready to help me, that he's got me a christmas present, and he's free this weekend so why don't I go over collect my stuff this weekend and he'll give it me. I was tempted. but instead of reply or calling when i got in I went out to suss out a running club I am thinking of joining. I got back, and realised what a mistake that would be. temptation is there- to go over- I know he'd be lovely to me- take me out, have sex, give me my gift. Then I'd be right back to square one- even if we spent christmas together, there would be a next time I'd be feeling **** with him with his family reminding me I come second. Logged on here, and read this message of support - for which I thank you So I emailed back to say I was surprised he had a gift for me but it could wait til January. Link to post Share on other sites
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