Friendship with XAP?

[ladydesigner]

Just some food for thought... for anyone contemplating a friendship with their XAP or are struggling with LC.

 

I just read on another site something very profound and is one reason why I decided to go NC.

 

A friendship is giving and taking on an equal ground. We usually get what we give to our friends.

The so-called "friendship" that I had with my XOM (after the A ended) was one in which he continued to take and I continued to give...give... and give. I suffered all sorts of things that I would not have suffered from any other friend. What friendship gave my XOM was a feeling of being ego-gratified and of being loved, but left me feeling less-than. Throughout the entire friendship after the affair that is how I had felt every time...less than.

 

NC has been a blessing for me...3 months today and going strong.

[NowhereToHide]

Just some food for thought... for anyone contemplating a friendship with their XAP or are struggling with LC.

 

I just read on another site something very profound and is one reason why I decided to go NC.

 

 

The so-called "friendship" that I had with my XOM (after the A ended) was one in which he continued to take and I continued to give...give... and give. I suffered all sorts of things that I would not have suffered from any other friend. What friendship gave my XOM was a feeling of being ego-gratified and of being loved, but left me feeling less-than. Throughout the entire friendship after the affair that is how I had felt every time...less than.

 

NC has been a blessing for me...3 months today and going strong.

 

Lady, I could have written your words VERBATIM.

 

I realized recently that for my xAP, I am an ego boost. He comes to me when he is down, or needing a "fix". He gets it and I am always left empty. I don't really think a true friendship is possible with someone that you had an affair with. I have very little contact with my xAP. I am hoping to one day soon be able to say that it is NO contact.

[hopeless4u]

I was going to start a thread about staying friends and if its possible but then saw this, so at the risk of T/J,

I have stayed friends so far with my xMM but the only reason I have managed this is because of the reason it ended this time. I'd like to think if its the right time for the A to end and you have both reached the point that neither of you can continue with the pleasure/pain relationship then you can remain friends. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted, he is still there for me when I need him, as a friend and me for him. If nothing else we both agree that the one thing that has come out of this painful and confusing situation is our friendship.

[ladydesigner]

I have stayed friends so far with my xMM but the only reason I have managed this is because of the reason it ended this time. I'd like to think if its the right time for the A to end and you have both reached the point that neither of you can continue with the pleasure/pain relationship then you can remain friends. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted, he is still there for me when I need him, as a friend and me for him. If nothing else we both agree that the one thing that has come out of this painful and confusing situation is our friendship.

 

Right I can understand and somewhat relate. Although my XOM ended the A. I was left in pain. I was the MOW. He wanted to continue a friendship... I could not. I think that if there are still feelings there for the other person then that is not a "friendship." I love my friends too don't get me wrong, but the feelings of a true frienship with XOM just were not there. Also he would always cross that "friendship" line which would confuse me ten times more. I still had the pleasure/pain relationship with the friendship as well.

[hopeless4u]

Right I can understand and somewhat relate. Although my XOM ended the A. I was left in pain. I was the MOW. He wanted to continue a friendship... I could not. I think that if there are still feelings there for the other person then that is not a "friendship." I love my friends too don't get me wrong, but the feelings of a true frienship with XOM just were not there. Also he would always cross that "friendship" line which would confuse me ten times more. I still had the pleasure/pain relationship with the friendship as well.

 

We have ended it many times for various reasons and yes I agree if those 'feelings' are still there it can't work, my xMM always said before that we could still be friends and I just couldn't bare the thought of just 'being friends' as I wanted more and it broke my heart not being able to just put my arms round him and I knew he felt the same. This time though the reason I ended the A has hit me so hard and has made me realise it can't carry on until he has sorted his head out and made that choice.

[NowhereToHide]

I guess I struggle with imagining a situation where the two xAPs didn't still have feelings for each other. Even though one, or both, have decided to stay with their families and to end things, most APs don't just suddenly stop loving the each other.

 

In my "friendship" with my xAP, he recently told me that he still loved me. He has tried to help me through some hard family stuff. He has told me "funny" stories about his wife and kids. At the end of the day it's an impossible line because it keeps moving. The definition of what you are to each other no longer makes sense. The kind of "love" that is there isn't the normal kind of friend love.

 

For example...

--When a friend tells me a story about his wife, I don't get a pit in my stomach.

--When I see pictures of a friend with his family, I don't get sad.

--When my friend talks about his vacation, I don't get sad that it wasn't me there with him.

 

You just can't put the genie back in the bottle, at least not for a long time.

[ladydesigner]

For example...

--When a friend tells me a story about his wife, I don't get a pit in my stomach.

--When I see pictures of a friend with his family, I don't get sad.

--When my friend talks about his vacation, I don't get sad that it wasn't me there with him.

 

You just can't put the genie back in the bottle, at least not for a long time.

 

These are so true. As much as I wanted to have a friendship with my XAP, because we were good friends before the A began, I knew that what I was feeling was not a true friendship. I looked forward to his emails and if they did not satisfy my ego (I think) or if he spoke of his GF I would feel depressed. I was happy when he emailed me because it told me he was still thinking of me, but I could tell I wanted more. Or if I did not get a response right away I would be crushed.

[NowhereToHide]

These are so true. As much as I wanted to have a friendship with my XAP, because we were good friends before the A began, I knew that what I was feeling was not a true friendship. I looked forward to his emails and if they did not satisfy my ego (I think) or if he spoke of his GF I would feel depressed. I was happy when he emailed me because it told me he was still thinking of me, but I could tell I wanted more. Or if I did not get a response right away I would be crushed.

 

Some of the biggest arguments my xAP and I would get into after our affair ended was how long it would take him to respond to me. I would be hurt and angry that he could wait days to respond to me. His excuse, of course, was that he was busy working and being with his family. Yet, I of course, still had those memories of how he couldn't WAIT for my emails, that HE would get frustrated if I couldn't text him back right away, that we would both move mountains to communicate to each other, no matter what else was going on in our lives.

 

It is so incredibly hard to KNOW what they CAN be like, and then move forward with an experience that is so opposite.

 

I know my xAP still loves me. I know that there is some comfort for him knowing that I am still in his life. He is just better able to compartmentalize his feelings for me so that he must not get triggered like I do when we communicate.

 

I just brought up my inability to go completely NC today in therapy. I'm not yet to the bottom of it, but I can say that rationally at least I know that it's for the best. I really just need him gone completely from my life so I can heal. What he offers me now isn't worth the pain of still having him around.

[jj33]

Congratulations. I have hardly heard from xMM in almost a month and it is such a relief. I am going to have to see him this week which I am kind of dreading, as we will be with 3 other people around a small table... but not having him call me trying to get a rise out of me all the time is wonderful. Im not sure why he finally let up but I am so glad he did.

[MizFit]

XMM and I always said we'd have some sort of light communication when we ended...that was pre DDay.

 

DDay came 2 weeks ago tonight and 24 hours after that he told me she was taking him back even though she had seen every email we had sent to each other for 6 months. I was shocked that she was taking him back, but he always said he'd fight tooth and nail to stay at home-one thing in his favor is that he never lied to me or promised me anything.

 

The long and short of it is we had very limited contact since then-he'd told me he made promises to her and he couldn't break them. Last week he made subtle changes on a 'fake' facebook account he set up while we were together. I did the same on mine in response. On Sunday night an event I had been organizing for months happened...while I was at the event he left me a voice message on my home phone telling me he hoped it was going well, that he had been reading my wall on facebook every day, but something he saw a few days ago was so painful he couldn't bear to look at it for a bit. Of course that prompted an email response from me, as he knew it would. I was met with another voice message when I got home from work yesterday. I told him to stop being a coward and to call me, that his messages were like hit and run accidents and left me reeling. He sent me a message on facebook telling me he couldn't and that I have to let him be nothing but a memory now.

 

He's been on an oil rig since DDay-he and his W won't set eyes on each other until Wednesday this week. I have an idea his little bouts of contact, no matter how indirect, were geared to fortify him for this first meeting. I don't doubt he's wanting me to get past him and he did wish me all the best for the event, but I think they were measures to calm himself and prepare himself as much as anything.

 

Last night I sent him a message I am hoping will be the last I send...I hope my resolve stands. I ended it telling him that I do love him. I don't have the courage to block him, but I do know with him being home he'll have no opportunity to communicate again.

 

I'd like to think he's going to give 100% to sorting things (well, there's a part of me that hopes not-yes, I can be very selfish), but he certainly hasn't had the strength to do it yet.

 

I can't allow myself to fall into the role of supporter and friend while he tries to patch things up with his wife...as you've all said it keeps it all on the same level-him having me silently in the background while he works on his priorities. I'd like to think that one day we could be friends, but I don't see it. What I feel for him is amazing...no matter how it's ended I haven't loved someone like this for many, many years and I can't ignore that fact. He's been found out, he's made his decision, I hope we both can get on with our lives...the only way I want those lives to cross again is with him free and clear and me not being a lover or a friend, but being THE lover and THE friend and everything else.

 

Guess it's all or nothing...I don't think I could deal with friendship. Of course...weakness and famous last words come to mind as well.

[hopeless4u]

I guess I struggle with imagining a situation where the two xAPs didn't still have feelings for each other. Even though one, or both, have decided to stay with their families and to end things, most APs don't just suddenly stop loving the each other.

 

In my "friendship" with my xAP, he recently told me that he still loved me. He has tried to help me through some hard family stuff. He has told me "funny" stories about his wife and kids. At the end of the day it's an impossible line because it keeps moving. The definition of what you are to each other no longer makes sense. The kind of "love" that is there isn't the normal kind of friend love.

 

For example...

--When a friend tells me a story about his wife, I don't get a pit in my stomach.

--When I see pictures of a friend with his family, I don't get sad.

--When my friend talks about his vacation, I don't get sad that it wasn't me there with him.

 

You just can't put the genie back in the bottle, at least not for a long time.

 

 

Please don't get me wrong I do still have feelings for my xMM, I love him more than I ever have and if he turned up on my door step telling me he'd finally made a decision I would be the happiest woman on this planet but I can't be intimate with him while I know he is still being intimate with his W, I really can't get my head round how anyone can want to be intimate with 2 people.

I still think of him 24/7, he still rings and txt me just like he always has and I do want to cry my heart out when I think we won't end up together but I truly do not want to share him in 'that way'.

I told him yesterday that I used to get into bed at night and snuggle down just thinking of the last time he was snuggled in with me and fall asleep with the thought of his arms wrapped round me, protecting me, it was the most loving feeling I've ever had but thats gone now, I now get into bed and as my thoughts drift, I think of him wrapping his arms round his W, telling her how much he loves her, making her feel safe and thats what keeps me from going back to our old ways, it doesn't stop me wanting him or loving him but it does stop me acting on those feelings.

Not sure that made much sense, got a bit emotional while typing that!

[hopeless4u]

XMM and I always said we'd have some sort of light communication when we ended...that was pre DDay.

 

DDay came 2 weeks ago tonight and 24 hours after that he told me she was taking him back even though she had seen every email we had sent to each other for 6 months. I was shocked that she was taking him back, but he always said he'd fight tooth and nail to stay at home-one thing in his favor is that he never lied to me or promised me anything.

 

The long and short of it is we had very limited contact since then-he'd told me he made promises to her and he couldn't break them. Last week he made subtle changes on a 'fake' facebook account he set up while we were together. I did the same on mine in response. On Sunday night an event I had been organizing for months happened...while I was at the event he left me a voice message on my home phone telling me he hoped it was going well, that he had been reading my wall on facebook every day, but something he saw a few days ago was so painful he couldn't bear to look at it for a bit. Of course that prompted an email response from me, as he knew it would. I was met with another voice message when I got home from work yesterday. I told him to stop being a coward and to call me, that his messages were like hit and run accidents and left me reeling. He sent me a message on facebook telling me he couldn't and that I have to let him be nothing but a memory now.

 

He's been on an oil rig since DDay-he and his W won't set eyes on each other until Wednesday this week. I have an idea his little bouts of contact, no matter how indirect, were geared to fortify him for this first meeting. I don't doubt he's wanting me to get past him and he did wish me all the best for the event, but I think they were measures to calm himself and prepare himself as much as anything.

 

Last night I sent him a message I am hoping will be the last I send...I hope my resolve stands. I ended it telling him that I do love him. I don't have the courage to block him, but I do know with him being home he'll have no opportunity to communicate again.

 

I'd like to think he's going to give 100% to sorting things (well, there's a part of me that hopes not-yes, I can be very selfish), but he certainly hasn't had the strength to do it yet.

 

I can't allow myself to fall into the role of supporter and friend while he tries to patch things up with his wife...as you've all said it keeps it all on the same level-him having me silently in the background while he works on his priorities. I'd like to think that one day we could be friends, but I don't see it. What I feel for him is amazing...no matter how it's ended I haven't loved someone like this for many, many years and I can't ignore that fact. He's been found out, he's made his decision, I hope we both can get on with our lives...the only way I want those lives to cross again is with him free and clear and me not being a lover or a friend, but being THE lover and THE friend and everything else.

 

Guess it's all or nothing...I don't think I could deal with friendship. Of course...weakness and famous last words come to mind as well.

 

This is what I'm afraid of, I know he is leaning on me. I keep saying to him 'sort it' or 'don't just ignore things'. He thinks I'm going on at him, telling him what to do but I just want a decision 1 way or the other. I know for him to make that decision I need to be out of his life but I also know I'm not strong enough to never see him again or hear from him again, he knows this but he also knows I'm getting stronger.If he came clean with his W or was found out then I think then I would be able to stand aside, I have said to him that its unfair on his W as she wants to work on their M but doesn't have all the facts. He said if she ever knew he had been unfaithful she would leave him, (I'm not the 1st by the way) but I said he doesn't know that, at least if she knew she'd be making a decision knowing everything.

I'm so confused!:confused:MEN!!!!

[MaureyL]

I have had NC since late July and like LadyDesigner, I have found that it gets easier and easier. I live in London and I first confessed my feelings for him at the Royal Court Theatre after going to see a show together. That was the real start of our affair, of course, though we didn't start sleeping together for another two months after that...

 

Anyway, I have been back to the Royal Court once or twice but not often and both times I found it incredibly painful. Last night, it barely hurt at all, though of course I remembered our evening very well.

 

And to top it off-- the play was all about .... a love triangle! The cheating boyfriend ended up staying with his long term partner, of course, even though it was clear that he was happier with the OW.

 

But you know what?? It was a really funny play-- I loved it! And the whole time, I was so relieved that it wasn't MY world anymore, though it was very very familiar on every level!!

 

Time really does heal things, I am so encouraged by that! And what a relief it is to have NO information on all the wonderful things he is doing with his steadfast girlfriend... what joy!!! Fantastic!

 

NC is the way to go! And sorry, I'm not being your FRIEND either! I have plenty of friends, actually!

 

x

Maurey

[ladydesigner]

Anyway, I have been back to the Royal Court once or twice but not often and both times I found it incredibly painful. Last night, it barely hurt at all, though of course I remembered our evening very well.

 

Maury I loved your post. Especially in reference to reminders as stated above. The great thing about NC is that now I have distanced myself enough to not feel too much pain at the reminders, but I can still be fond of them. When I was in LC my reminders would be very painful.

 

NC is the way to go! And sorry, I'm not being your FRIEND either! I have plenty of friends, actually!

 

Yes plenty of friends...and my REAL friends treat me much better than my XAP did.