Nichole Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 I've still not posted my entire story-- I'm not quite ready to. I do want to share that the man I've been involved with is (intending to) tell his wife, this evening, that he's unhappy and wants out of their marriage. I say "intending to" because I've been lurking this forum for a while now, and I know that there are often a lot of "I am going to's" before the actual event. He knows that it is important to me that he leave his marriage for him, not us-- I can't be a part of the discussion he is having. He agrees wholeheartedly, although he says I am still a "parallel track" in his mind. He says he was unhappy for several years before him and I became involved, and that the past 12 weeks of involvement with me have just 'Windexed that mirror' for him. I am positively in love with him, but I'm also secure enough to know that he is about to begin a process of grieving his 10-year relationship/marriage, and that he is going to need a Friend through that, first and foremost. We started out as friends before we became emotionally and physically involved-- I am working on returning myself to that mindset, to best support him. In one way, I'm going through a breakup myself. I know we've talked in great depth about the practicalities of us being together, in real life, after the fact. We've both considered living arrangements, travel (I'm a med student and it's not practical for me to relocate to his city of employment, which is about an hour from my home), budgets, etc. At the same time, though, I know there's no promises that the "I'm not happy" conversation will reach finality in their marriage. In fact, there's no guarantee he can even find the words tonight, as planned. If he does, there's no guarantee, as wonderful as I am (and I am! ) and as happy as we were during the affair that he will be ready to move on. And even if he is, there's no guarantee that he will fall in love with me (he's not, right now. I know this and am comfortable with this). I guess I'm just looking for some cyberhugs during this time of uncertainty, both for him, for her, and for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
unhappylady Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Poor Wife. And no I am not a BS...I was an OW like you. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 (((((Nichole))))) Here are your cyber hugs, hun. I am a bit confused though that you say you are involved but he is not in love with you. Is he telling you that? (Sounds like a red flag to me.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nichole Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 (((((Nichole))))) Here are your cyber hugs, hun. I am a bit confused though that you say you are involved but he is not in love with you. Is he telling you that? (Sounds like a red flag to me.) That's the whole "I love you, but I've not allowed myself to fall in love with you" conversation. It makes me scratch my head a bit, too, but it doesn't pain me too much. I could write a book about the feelings that have been expressed, but nobody signs on to here to read Harlequin. Perhaps him not saying "I am in love with you" is part of my insistence that he leave the marriage on his own accord, and not with the thought of me/us. Does that make a bit of sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nichole Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 Poor Wife. And no I am not a BS...I was an OW like you. I agree. I really, honestly do. I didn't think much of it, until the past few days. I'm barely sleeping, and when I do, I'm dreaming of her... I wish him and I could un-do all of the physical and outright emotional expression, to be able to claim that I was a very close friend who held his hand through his own realization. I really, honestly do. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 ((((hugs)))) as this is bound to be only guaranteed of one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. if it were me... i'd step away from the ride (and be sure of telling him so) until it comes to a stop before resuming any involvement. that translates to - telling him to contact you when the divorce is FINAL - then you can consider what a healthy start might look like when he becomes an available man to date. this saves you from all the yuck that will happen between now and when he actually gets divorced. don't worry about him needing "support" or "a friend" - he will surely find that through the process - if he is willing to end his marriage. his actions will tell you everything you need to know. his words will only serve to manipulate you in the meantime to get what he intends - which is to keep you available to him while he goes through the yuck. this is why it's best and uncomplicated to step away until it looks like things are finished on one end. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Nichole... This is going to end badly for you. If he comes to stay with you as you have discussed I have grave doubts to its "success". Not because most R's that start as an A fail but because he DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Why the hell would you accept that? How is that ok? You are setting yourself up for a spectacular fall. You love him and he isn't returning the favor. This ends in nothing but heartbreak for you. In fact, he is setting you up for it. One day, crying and shattered at whatever he has done (or not done) you will hear "I never said I loved you". jennie-jennie has understated the magnitude of it...its not JUST a red flag, its a red flag, flashing lights and sirens. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 He says he is ending his marriage, but not because of you He tells you he isn't in love with you. Yet you are planning this life together, but not right now, because he needs a "friend" first? So while you are being friends, you won't sleep together? You won't be telling him how wonderful you are, how in love with him you are --- and that your 3 month relationship will be so much better than his 10 year marriage? And you think this is going to end good for him? While he may 'want out' of the marriage because he isn't happy, I wonder if his wife wants out? I wonder if she is ready to throw away 10 years with him? I wonder if you are his first affair? I wonder if you will be his last affair? I wonder if you realize he is feeding you lines? Look at some of the women on here who have been in affairs with MM for years and those men are no closer to leaving their wives than they were when the Affair started. But like your situation, these MM are unhappy in their marriages but they aren't unhappy enough to leave. Instead, they are choosing to cheat. They are choosing to not only cheat on their wife, but also on their children. They are choosing to lie, sneak around and play with people's hearts. Great guys So if you must, believe that he is going to leave the marriage. Believe he isn't going to leave for you. Put your life on hold while he works out HOW he is going to do this. Be a buddy for him; someone for him to run to when things are tough. Be his friend -- the friend he sleeps with. Also remember, you are hoping and waiting for him to fall in love with you. I would run for the hills if I were you. But I bet you will wait -- for months/years to see if he leaves his unhappy marriage. You will wait for him to fall in love with you. As he spends the holidays with his wife, he will sneak to the bathroom to send you a text or call you quickly. You will spend the holidays alone, while he will spend them with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 one thing i noticed - he said he's telling her he's not happy... THAT is totally different than him telling her HE"S DIVORCING HER!!!! reality says - he's not intending to divorce her or he would state that clearly - at the very least - to you! so what are you going to do about the fact that he's just a little boy in a big man's body standing in front of his wife screaming "i'm not happy!" so what? WHAT does HE intend to do about that unhappiness? just complain and see another gal on the back side? come on - what a little baby he is! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Do they have children? Ok, I don't mean to be harsh but to expect him to 'tell his wife he's unhappy', possibly leave her due to his unhappiness without doing counselling, without giving things a chance of working, is setting yourself up for a fall. 1)They've been married 10 years, and together 10+ years. They have a history together, (kids?), family entwined, finances, the house, friends, extended family, a life built.. 2)12 weeks of involvement. That's what you've had with him. Doesn't matter if you were friends with him before, fact is, NOW it's an affair and to hope/expect someone to throw away their 10 year marriage and start over.. Well, you do the math here. You're a med student. Focus on that! Put yourself, schooling and your career first!! Do a site search on Kismetgirl. Or she could just go by the name kismet. (Can't remember now, sorry, if someone else knows for sure, please post her proper name.) I do think if you read her situation, you'll get insight and possibly realize that trying to put yourself in a position where he has choose between you and his wife, YOU are going to get hurt and maybe RUIN all that you've worked for to become Nurse/Dr in the medical field. Link to post Share on other sites
Mini-Me Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 The "I'm not happy talk", if it happens will be because he is not happy, with himself. It is the "guilt" talking... as others have said, this is miles and miles and years and years if ever, from meaning divorce, and it will NOT be because of you. sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Don't be surprised if a whole lot of nothing happens. Talk is very cheap. Try to focus on other things - anything other than him and what he's dong with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 some men think that because they mention in passing to their wife, "we need to change a few things" that constitutes for a big talk of divorce... they, in turn, tell you (the OW) that they had a talk with the W about divorce. yep, that is their perception of talking to the W about the M. go figure. then they can go to the OW and claim they had a big discussion about changes coming in the M and how they addressed the talk of D. reality says, IF they want a D - they will make it HAPPEN. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Wow, I would hate to be in your shoes. I think this guy has set your heart up for a big fall. Reading your post, I can read your hope.... and I am worried about what will happen to you emotionally if you realize that your hope was in vain. Perhaps we are wrong, and he will do exactly what he says, and as soon as he gets divorced he will realize that he is in love with you.... but my guess is that it will not end like your favorite fairytale and there will be no scene where your prince rides off into the sunset with you. *sigh* Protect your heart, hun. Hope for the best if you must, but prepare for the worst. ((HUGS)) Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 He's leaving his wife for someone he's known for only 12 weeks?! My prediction. He tells her, she kicks him out. He comes to you, Uses you as the cushion and then he's back with her in less than a month. He never contacts you again. You are making a huge mistake here. No man leaves a wife he's loved for 10 yrs for someone he;s known 12 weeks and if he does and I am totally wrong, he's pretty srcewed up and will do the same to you as he did to his wife I'll give you a hug cause I think you'll need it Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 N - this sounds like an exit affair. He has a soft landing. If hes told you hes not in love with you and isnt sure he is in love with you, then you need to back away. This is not ALL about him. Tell him you love him and you want the best for him and his W and if he decides to leave and he does and he wants to make a go of the relationship he can contact you then and if you are still single and still interested, then perhaps there is some chance. Of COURSE hes not leaving for you. But why should all the variables be on his side. He may leave, and he may decide to date you and he may fall in love with you, but you stay close and open your heart and support him as if you were his nearest and dearest? I dont think so. There is no scoreboard in love, but it does take two people who are committed to being together and you dont have that here. Are you sure you arent so drained from school and the demands of being a med student that this you arent putting more faith in this than you would if your life wasnt so hectic? DOenst mean hes not the sort of man you would fall in love with, just that your life circumstances have given you big blinders. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless4u Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 My MM had that very same talk with his W 9/10 months ago, he expected her to say 'oh ok then, lets split up' but she didn't. She cried alot, asked him if he'd met someone else(he lied), asked him if he had someone else in mind(he lied), how he wishes now he'd just been truthful. She said she wanted to work things out and of course as he'd lied about me he couldn't give her any reason why they shouldn't. Almost a year later and they are still at the 'working things out stage', he still hasn't moved out and he still hasn't told her he about me so in my experience you should walk away and let him live without you, my MM said exactly the same thing 'I need to leave because there is nothing left to save not because of you' and I, just like you agreed that was the right thing to do for our future together and I waited, I've been with him for 2 years and he still hasn't done it. I found out a few days ago he was still being physical with his W, not actually having sex(he said) but never the less he was still giving her the green light to be intimate, it made me sick to my stomach. We have now agreed nothing can happen between us until he has moved out and decided he really doesn't want to be with her. We are still friends and I'm hoping it can stay that way. So I would say back away while you still have some self control, I really wish I had. Big Hugs Hun, I think you will need them. xx Link to post Share on other sites
EarthGirl Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 hi...I don't have the strength to comment on this situation right now..but I just wanted to give what was asked for ...HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS! Big Bear HUGS...and running like a sprinter to meet a long lost friend HUGS! HUGS HUGS HUGS! you're gonna be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 I think I would have to ask him to distance himself from me emotionally as he works through whatever it is that he is going to think about working through IF he cared about me. You are in med school and live over an hour away? You need to be concentrating on what you have spent so many years of your life working towards, instead of worrying about some guy who says that he cares about you but doesn't love you. He knows where to find you later, if he can come to you free and clear. Link to post Share on other sites
DiDi123 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 So this is where I am also right now. He just told me this morning that he wants to "be alone" to figure out what he wants. But he still wants to be "friends" and that he still cares for me and has feelings for me. How do you just be f'ing friends?!!!!! They he tells me he just found out that his W has been having an affair for 2 years - which I think has brought this all about. He said he isn't jealous but feels betrayed and needs to really talk to her and figure out what to do. The other bombshell I got was that he said that he isn't sure about anything, he has no answers for me and that he knows I deserve more and doesn't want to hurt me or cause me anymore pain. Do I believe this bull$****? How on earth did we go from a few days ago having a fabulous loving time together to this? How does a person do this to someone else? What happened? How do I go on now? I am pretty much on the verge of hysteria - crying and feeling like a stupid fool. How can I be friends? What the heck does that mean? He has been such an emotional support and such a good friend- now he just cuts me off? He keep telling me that I was wonderful and he is truly happy with me but he can't move forward with me until he straightens out the marriage (and stay) or gets divorced- when he can be free to see me. He said he hates sneaking around and lying and he just can't handle living 2 lives anymore- he said he is just too stressed going from being really happy with me then having to leave me and go home and being miserable. Do any of you think I should believe this crap? Am I being overemotional? Am I wrong to feel like I have been cut off at the knees? WHAT do I do? I want to just go hide under a rock and just swallow a bottle of my pills and sleep and never wake up. And it isn't just because of him- its everything. I think I am just a miserable horrible person and honestly I don't even want to be around me right now. I hate myself for getting involved with someone and I hate being hurt. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am better off just being alone for the rest of my life- I can't go through the pain of being rejected. And the thing is everyone I know thinks I have my $hit together, and I outwardly a happy person, but NO ONE knows how truly awful I feel about myself. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I see the positive in everything - I volunteer, I take care of my grandmother, I have loving parents, I have a great job, I am healthy (outside of the hysterectomy I just had) I'm attractive, active, SO why is it I can't find someone that I can love who will love me back?????????????????????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
DiDi123 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Oh- AND BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I forgot !!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 I remember this conversation very well, from the perspective of the BS. I asked was there someone else. He lied. If he had told me there was someone else, it would have been a done deal - which is what you want. But instead, after the conversation was over - he asked me to forget we had even had it. For many a BS, this is exactly what clues you in to the fact that there is someone else. If you haven't had a d-day yet, this increases its likelihood of you having one by tenfold. MPs tend to get sloppy with their "feelings" and their inability to really hide the double life after such a conversation. Be prepared for that. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless4u Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 So this is where I am also right now. He just told me this morning that he wants to "be alone" to figure out what he wants. But he still wants to be "friends" and that he still cares for me and has feelings for me. How do you just be f'ing friends?!!!!! They he tells me he just found out that his W has been having an affair for 2 years - which I think has brought this all about. He said he isn't jealous but feels betrayed and needs to really talk to her and figure out what to do. The other bombshell I got was that he said that he isn't sure about anything, he has no answers for me and that he knows I deserve more and doesn't want to hurt me or cause me anymore pain. Do I believe this bull$****? How on earth did we go from a few days ago having a fabulous loving time together to this? How does a person do this to someone else? What happened? How do I go on now? I am pretty much on the verge of hysteria - crying and feeling like a stupid fool. How can I be friends? What the heck does that mean? He has been such an emotional support and such a good friend- now he just cuts me off? He keep telling me that I was wonderful and he is truly happy with me but he can't move forward with me until he straightens out the marriage (and stay) or gets divorced- when he can be free to see me. He said he hates sneaking around and lying and he just can't handle living 2 lives anymore- he said he is just too stressed going from being really happy with me then having to leave me and go home and being miserable. Do any of you think I should believe this crap? Am I being overemotional? Am I wrong to feel like I have been cut off at the knees? WHAT do I do? I want to just go hide under a rock and just swallow a bottle of my pills and sleep and never wake up. And it isn't just because of him- its everything. I think I am just a miserable horrible person and honestly I don't even want to be around me right now. I hate myself for getting involved with someone and I hate being hurt. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am better off just being alone for the rest of my life- I can't go through the pain of being rejected. And the thing is everyone I know thinks I have my $hit together, and I outwardly a happy person, but NO ONE knows how truly awful I feel about myself. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I see the positive in everything - I volunteer, I take care of my grandmother, I have loving parents, I have a great job, I am healthy (outside of the hysterectomy I just had) I'm attractive, active, SO why is it I can't find someone that I can love who will love me back?????????????????????????????? You sound like your in alot of pain and my heart goes out to you. I had some bad news over the last few days and started a new thread to vent and it did me the world of good, maybe you should try it. x Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 WHAT do I do? I want to just go hide under a rock and just swallow a bottle of my pills and sleep and never wake up. And it isn't just because of him- its everything. I think I am just a miserable horrible person and honestly I don't even want to be around me right now. I hate myself for getting involved with someone and I hate being hurt. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am better off just being alone for the rest of my life- I can't go through the pain of being rejected. And the thing is everyone I know thinks I have my $hit together, and I outwardly a happy person, but NO ONE knows how truly awful I feel about myself. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I see the positive in everything - I volunteer, I take care of my grandmother, I have loving parents, I have a great job, I am healthy (outside of the hysterectomy I just had) I'm attractive, active, SO why is it I can't find someone that I can love who will love me back?????????????????????????????? Hugs to you. I was in your shoes many years ago once the married guy I was seeing walked away from me. I felt like a horrible person and was terrified of rejection. I just had my ex of 11 yrs leave me for the women he was cheating on for a year. I like you have a lot going for me, good job, nice house, friends, good looking etc, and asked the same questions as you "Why can't I find anyone to love me back" Well it took me a while but I figured out I didn't love myself. Love is not something you get, it's something you give. The love you feel from another is actually the love you emit from yourself. Don't end your life over some cheater and or yous mistake. This is a GREAT oppurtunity to gain strength, self love and be whole again Link to post Share on other sites
DiDi123 Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 RD- But how? Link to post Share on other sites
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