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Old 21st November 2009, 1:58 PM   #1
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Be taken advantage of.

Ok so this is the latest topic in my IC. It didnt go well, she could tell I was not agreeing with this opinion. Any advice is welcome.

So my xMM is older. much older. he's also pretty much my boss. i'm in my 20s, married, good career, kids. hardly a naive little girl. but my IC, my family, most of my friends have the opinion that he took advantage of me.

made me fall in love with him, never had intentions of being with only me, probably hurt my career as im not taken seriously anymore because im his "girl." ok, i see it a bit, but i dont think of it as taking advantage of me. im an adult, i willingly entered this situation. how is it taking advantage of me?

i do admit that theres a few times i think he "pushed" me away from my husband. there were also times where he gave input on major decisions in my life.

but it almost angers me that people dont see this. i willingly wanted to be in a relationship with him. so why are they saying these things? is it because theyre trying to make him look bad so I wont care anymore? im not a victim. i guess theyre thinking this because he walked away when it came to saving his own marriage, didnt give my life a second thought.

am i wrong for disagreeing with my counselor and my family & friends?
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Old 21st November 2009, 2:53 PM   #2
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you believe what you need to believe to get through this, nothing else really matters. He should have left you alone though. It sounds like you have a lot of support & people who love & care about you. They might see a vulnerable side to you you're not aware of?? I would heed that warning from your loved ones, so it doesn't happen again for you. You're just starting out being married w/ kids.....
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Old 21st November 2009, 3:32 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl View Post
Ok so this is the latest topic in my IC. It didnt go well, she could tell I was not agreeing with this opinion. Any advice is welcome.

So my xMM is older. much older. he's also pretty much my boss. i'm in my 20s, married, good career, kids. hardly a naive little girl. but my IC, my family, most of my friends have the opinion that he took advantage of me.

made me fall in love with him, never had intentions of being with only me, probably hurt my career as im not taken seriously anymore because im his "girl." ok, i see it a bit, but i dont think of it as taking advantage of me. im an adult, i willingly entered this situation. how is it taking advantage of me?

i do admit that theres a few times i think he "pushed" me away from my husband. there were also times where he gave input on major decisions in my life.

but it almost angers me that people dont see this. i willingly wanted to be in a relationship with him. so why are they saying these things? is it because theyre trying to make him look bad so I wont care anymore? im not a victim. i guess theyre thinking this because he walked away when it came to saving his own marriage, didnt give my life a second thought.

am i wrong for disagreeing with my counselor and my family & friends?
Hi MBEG, Okay, I'm a fBW but I'm not trying to bash you in what I write here. In all actuality, I'm going to try to understand what you are saying here...so anything that comes out wrong is simply from me not understanding.

I agree with your assessment of your role in the affair...you willingly wanted to be in a relationship with him (your words) and you seem to be owning your decision.

Of course, I can't tell if your xMM took advantage of you, he very well might have, being a lot older and your boss but no one can take advantage of you unless you allow it.

I don't understand why your therapist especially is encouraging you to take this 'cop-out' on the decisions you made. You seem to be owning your choices, which is very healthy for you. I don't understand why your therapist would be encouraging you not to take responsibility.

As for your family and friends, they care about you and probably don't want to see you in anguish. Perhaps they are trying to defend you in a way. But, maybe it is easier for them to think of you as someone who was taken advantage of rather than someone who made some bad decisions.

In any event, I think you are on the road to learning more about yourself and taking responsibility for your decisions which can only be a good thing for you!

Last edited by Snowflower; 21st November 2009 at 3:35 PM..
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Old 21st November 2009, 3:43 PM   #4
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OP, do you feel your boss used his life experience and position to manipulate you? Why or why not? How would you define the difference between being manipulated and being taken advantage of?

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am i wrong for disagreeing with my counselor and my family & friends?
Examine why you're asking the question. What would you say is the support in their challenge?

To me, based on reading your past threads briefly, you're on the road to acceptance. There are a few potholes along the way
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Old 21st November 2009, 3:52 PM   #5
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Our friends and family cannot handle our pain in any rational way. That is why they are often the last people to give us good advice because they hate to see us hurt, and their advice would reflect that leaning, IMHO.

Counselors are there to help us overcome our most self-destructive tendencies and to caution us against those who may try to harm us emotionally. That's their job. and since they listen to human misery all day long, I'm sure they form professional opinions from it.

Maybe it is the age difference between the two of you, combined with the fact that he was your boss, it would be easy assume he took advantage of you. I know I would.

But I think the fact that you say you are owning the choices you made to enter the affair, is very healthy, and here is why: That victim mentality can be a killer in the healing process. Those who think it just happened, they could not control it, and are now racked with pain because it has ended, have a lot farther to go to regain confidence, IMHO.

Stay strong!
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Old 21st November 2009, 4:52 PM   #6
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I agree with Snowflower and wanted to add......

Your family wants to think he took advantage of you because they don't want to see that you willfullly and with 'malice' decided to betray your husband, his trust and your marriage vows. They want to think that this older man, who was your boss, coerced you into something. They don't want to accept that you did things that they are against. They don't want to believe that you could do something like this; betray trust, betray morals, betray values.

They want to push the blame off onto him. They just don't want to see the incredibly hurtful things you did were of your own doing; they want to believe he MADE you do it.

Good for you for OWNING what you did!
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Old 21st November 2009, 7:01 PM   #7
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im not really sure why it matters if he took advantage or me or not.

part of this stems from how the relationship began. its started a few years back. i had some terrible things happen in my life. my husband, as supportive as he was was suffering along with me, watching me hurt, not really sure how to deal with it and help me through it.

xmm was a friend and came in supporting me. became involved in my situation and through his support we fell in love. the problem was not with my marriage, it was other aspects of my life, some of which included my career. my xmm was there for me, built me up, told me he was my friend and i trusted him. i fell in love with him because he was basically my savior at that time. thats why i allowed myself to do the things i did with him. he stepped in, picked me up and made my world better. in my mind he was doing this because he truly cared for me. i allowed myself to fall in love with him because he was so wonderful to me. its very easy to put your knight in shining armour up on a pedestal.

my IC is going the taken advantage route because she says he used these situations to get into my heart. and pretended that he cared to get in bed with me. afterall, a man twice my age and not even an overly attractive man at that would not be one i would normally see myself attracted to. she says that his actions afterwards simply prove all of this. she says if he was truly involved in this to be my friend he would support me, would have ended it as a friend and would truly have been concerned with leaving this in a way that left me at least emotionally stable.

i have a hard time believing that he did all this and played the "supportive role" just to get me into bed. yes hes older, yes hes my boss. i dont know, i dont really see myself as that naive. regardless, i willingly let him into my life and im the one who broke the vows to my husband. my husband, who by the way, is one of the key people to say that this man used me and took advantage of me.

im just confused by all of this discussion and honestly a little irritated by it.

thanks posters, for your input.

Last edited by mybrowneyedgirl; 21st November 2009 at 7:10 PM..
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Old 21st November 2009, 7:10 PM   #8
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asking all the WHY questions doesn't really change anything for a positive outcome... it will only keep you stuck in the past, which from your perspective is the victim role. take responsibility and own the role you actively played in all this.

ask yourself HOW can i make this different than it used to be... THAT will induce automatic change that is necessary for growth in a positive direction. it takes honesty.

you can choose to be the victim or the warrior - don't stay stuck in the victim role... it takes major change from YOUR end - not anyone else.
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Old 21st November 2009, 7:12 PM   #9
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ive actually never saw myself as a victim. actually, the exact opposite.
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Old 21st November 2009, 7:14 PM   #10
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Be taken advantage of.
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Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl View Post
ive actually never saw myself as a victim. actually, the exact opposite.
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Be taken advantage of.
these are words you typed and questioned...and clearly the thought process a victim would wonder about...
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Old 21st November 2009, 9:42 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl View Post
...


she says that his actions afterwards simply prove all of this. she says if he was truly involved in this to be my friend he would support me, would have ended it as a friend and would truly have been concerned with leaving this in a way that left me at least emotionally stable.

...
MBEG

I asked my H about what he thought is the best and most respectful way to deal with this situation, for a MM who decides (for whatever reason) to stay with his W after a d-day.

[Background: He had an A with a younger MW with children and he was her boss. The A lasted more than 3 years. They loved each other. There was an unexpected d-day when I found out. He made the decision to stay married and end the A.]

His answer was to the effect that it is a difficult and devastating situation where inevitably somebody is going to be extremely hurt and feel very disrespected. It's basically one of those dilemmas where everybody suffers.

He said in a nutshell the right thing for the MM to do is to make a "final" decision to stay married and then end the A quickly (assuming that is the decision), to convey that decision to both the BW and the OW and then "live" the decision. He also said it would have been beyond him to somehow ensure that the OW was left emotionally stable after he ended it. He admits that he didn't do it perfectly as there was continued contact between them, for a while after he had ended the A.

Remember your counselor is there to support you, not to criticise you (you have LS for that - err joke).

I wonder how would she expect a MM to deal with the situation. I assume that she goes with what seems to be the majority view; which is that the MM should firmly end the A and remain NC afterwards. If not then it would be interesting to know what she thinks he should have done at d-day.

As for whether he took advantage of you, unless you are considering pursuing a harassment change it doesn't seem worthwhile giving it too much thought; although as others have said you friends and family might prefer to view it that way.
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Old 21st November 2009, 9:49 PM   #12
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became involved in my situation and through his support we fell in love. the problem was not with my marriage, it was other aspects of my life, some of which included my career. my xmm was there for me, built me up, told me he was my friend and i trusted him. i fell in love with him because he was basically my savior at that time. thats why i allowed myself to do the things i did with him. he stepped in, picked me up and made my world better.
Let me ask you this MBEG, what are you going to do so that you don't find yourself in a situation where you turn to someone else besides your H for the support you need? You said your turning to him wasn't about your marriage (although I don't understand this ~ why would you need someone else to support you, build you up, etc?)

what did he do for you that your H couldn't do?
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Old 21st November 2009, 9:55 PM   #13
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Well, my opinion would be, yes, friends and family want to make sure you are ok. This man has a position of power of you -- he is your boss, so in that respect, what he did was cross the line.
Maybe he did take advantage, a little, even if you wanted it. He is the boss - he should have said no.
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Old 21st November 2009, 10:14 PM   #14
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In order to be taken advantage of, you'd have to have vulnerability to that kind of thing. I don't knnow your childhood background, but I'm guessing you place high value on being strong and independent. That being the case, I can see why it might be difficult for you to accept that you were manipulated. Try to push pride aside for a moment and really let it flow over you objectively. Maybe you'll see what others are seeing.
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Old 21st November 2009, 10:22 PM   #15
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MBEG...you know that I am a therapist. So...while I am not your therapist or in her head...one thing did pop up for me when I read the first post.

She is trying to get you to see him for who he is. That even though you willingly made choices and were as equally responsible...that he was manipulative.

She is wanting you to see that at his age, and given the professional relationship you two have...he had some unfair advantages.

Why she wants you to see him this way is the real question.

Are you idealizing him in your therapist's eyes? Have you taken him off that pedestal?

Doesn't mean he has to be a horrible person...but maybe you are still not able to express to your therapist that you see him for who he is...all of him..the good, and the not so good.

I know I have struggled with this myself. I have had several fine people here point out to me how much I did keep my xOW on a pedestal.

So as she comes down I have gone through an interesting process. One is which I have to see her for who she is. I have to realize that I did what I did for her...the real her...and not the ideal her.

Good luck. IC is a process. You will not always agree...but like Carhill said....when you don't agree look into why...this is part of the journey. What is it that makes you resist this notion.
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