What can I say? OW falls for MM?

[alg24]

I am writing this now in more of a venting stage... I am not looking for

 

negative comments... I know what I have done and perhaps I deserve the

 

pain that followed...

 

 

I was 19 and he was 36... We lived in a small town and when we meet I did

 

figure out he was married. I was very stupid, young, and not thinking

 

properly. The affair lasted a couple months then he went away for about 5

 

months (left in June)... We stayed in touch weekly and after the 5 months I

 

saw him again... About a month before he came back we started talking

 

daily... I began getting attached... I knew he was still married etc. I saw

 

him soon after (came home October)... We spent a weekend together...

 

Then following we were back in the same town... I saw him all the time (this

 

was last year October- end of May). We were always together... Mid Feb. I

 

was diagnosed with Herpes... Its 100% he gave it to me... He wasn't sleep

 

with the wife (she confirmed this later on-- I did tell her about the herpes...)

 

After I got herpes things started going down hill fast... I was scared but also

 

very much in love with this man and couldn't free myself of this toxic

 

relationship. I was 20 years old now... I lived alone ( I am VERY close with

 

my family but they live in another state...)

 

 

He told me all the time he loved me, it was complicated because he had the

 

kids.... I had so much guilt, but I couldn't keep away... In April he got

 

physical with me... I should have been down with it then... Stupid me, within

 

a week we were back together... End of May we had a huge blow out

 

again... (Since end of Feb. we had been fighting a lot...) The May blowout

 

was horrific... After that we did not talk for a couple weeks... He started

 

calling me saying stuff such as, "I want nothing to do with you-- your crazy

 

but I am calling to say hello..." Well to make this very long story a little

 

shorter we got back together...

 

 

 

I went to see him in July (we spent a week together) and he came to see

 

me in August (about a week and a half) It was a rough summer-- fighting a

 

lot.. We talked 4-6 times a day... When he came back this time (October) I

 

meet up with him in another state with him... We had a huge fight-- it was

 

mostly me... When we got back we kept the same pattern (really good for a

 

week, then a fight... Saying its over not over) When he came back in

 

October he was officially separated from the wife... Mainly staying with me

 

at night.. My 21st birthday we got in a huge fight... I literally chased him in

 

a car! He took my computer.. A week later we were back together...

 

 

 

The other night I saw him-- he was tired and not in the best mood (still slept

 

over)... The next day (yesterday) he called me a couple times and we

 

played phone tag... Then he called me freaked out that he didn't want to

 

speak to anyone today.. He needed space.. The wife and him are fighting a

 

lot-- its not her fault its his... He then called to tell me that I am an amazing

 

girl--- so pretty and amazing, but i need to open my eyes. He didn't want it

 

over with us but we are not going to be together forever. That I needed to

 

open my eyes... We went back and forth-- a fight started... I told him if he

 

wanted I could drop off his stuff he has at my house (very little) and I

 

needed to get my key back... Then he called me around 5pm and told me

 

he does not want it over but needs his space.. Let him think give him time.

 

He is tired.. Fighting with the wife all the time, fighting with me-- its to

 

much. He really cares. He is sorry. I said I guess its over then. I called him

 

back and left a vm I could bring him his stuff. I brought him his stuff and

 

called him when I was there-- (asking for my key) he freaked out and said I

 

am causing drama and other people will see me who know the wife (earlier

 

that day I was told I could drop stuff of but do not leave a note) I left his

 

place and he called me 5 minutes later... He was yelling at me but claiming

 

he is speaking serious... He said- He has not wanted to be with me, I push

 

and I push and I push him, he misses his family a lot, he wants to wake up

 

next to his wife not me, I am a home wrecker, I love drama, he did not

 

want sex with me the last couple weeks-- he felt disgusting afterwards. Yes,

 

he came over because he missed me as a friend-- watching TV, etc. Other

 

things were said... Then he told me he was pulling into the driveway where

 

the wife and kids live and he needed to go-- hung up the phone...

 

 

So ya... I am a mess... Very long post- sorry.

 

I must say I did speak to the wife about two weeks ago. She was the nicest

 

woman I have ever spoken to. She was such a lady and diplomatic (which

 

she did not need to be) She told me she was done with him, not for a

 

million dollars or the children would she go back... She told me that I seem

 

like a nice girl and get over him... He will continue to lie, cheat, and be a

 

abusive. Sadly she has kids with him.

 

 

He never made her out to seem like a monster though-- he never said

 

anything bad about her... Last night he mentioned how amazing she was,

 

and how he was so stupid...

 

 

I tried very hard... I was VERY stupid... I played house with a MM... I

 

cooked him dinner ever night... Anyway, I learned never ever to get

 

involved with a MM or married person. My heart is in a million pieces and I

 

miss him a lot still.. We live in the same town very close... Its awful... We

 

have broken up a million times! I guess this time its done? But I must say

 

don't trust a MM and even when they say there separated... In this case the

 

BS was the most amazing person... I did not deserve her kindness. She

 

went as far to say we were BOTH victims (which she did not need to) So

 

yea... Sorry for the long post.. My heart is shattered..

 

 

 

After my birthday I went home for a week.. He kept calling me freaking out

 

he wanted to know where I was but we were over and done... When I got

 

back with him a week later I told him how much I loved him but I was so

 

scared of loving him... He told me he loved me a lot but was confused and

 

everything is **** in his life... When we slept together at night he would hold

 

me and kiss me on the forehead.. In the morning when he woke up he

 

would roll over and wrap his arms around me... Call ME during the day and

 

tell me how much he missed me... When he would come over at night hold

 

me in his arms and tell he really cares--- was this all an act? A game? Was i

 

his warm body? Anyway, what next? How do I move forward... Stop the

 

tears? Reading this you must think I am this crazy stupid girl... I did push

 

him and fight with him when he came back... But yesterday it was him,

 

not me...

 

 

 

Thank you everyone.

[pricillia]

It is amazing what we will do for love and acceptance, it is had when you find someone that you connect with and they become the center of your life.

 

He sounds like he is using you and he does not know what he wants and even if he did and that was you he sound manipulative in the way that he pushes you away and then pulls you back in, I really think that he does not have your best interest at heart, to say the least... he is thinking with his manhood and nothing else.

 

Try to protect yourself and separate yourself from him and start working on YOU with things that are good and healthy for YOU and as hard as it is, TRY to stop thinking about a relationship with him because at 19 (now 21) years old you have a lifetime to learn from relationships that you will be in that are much healthier then this one seems to be.

 

Even though this may not be your first relationship it sounds pretty deep and serious and it really can do a number on your emotions with that said just remember that you are valuable without him telling you how much he loves you and how wonderful you are, YOU are that without him!!!! Try not to let "romance" get in the way or reality.

 

Think of him as the greasy fat on a hamburger that will clog your arteries and stop your heart!!!

[Heather1]

you're really young....

 

what do you think you want and deserve? Frankly, he sounds manic.

[hopesndreams]

You are not only young, but very immature as well. All the fighting back and forth, phone tag, his W being kind to you most likely because of your age and maturity level. This MM is more like a predator. Good to hear his W is done with him. Are you? What's the attraction for him anyway? He's a much older, lying, cheating SOB. Can't you get young, single guys? Have you tried?

[pricillia]

You are not only young, but very immature as well. All the fighting back and forth, phone tag, his W being kind to you most likely because of your age and maturity level. This MM is more like a predator. Good to hear his W is done with him. Are you? What's the attraction for him anyway? He's a much older, lying, cheating SOB. Can't you get young, single guys? Have you tried?

 

 

I am sure that she can get young single guys that is not the issue, OP may be immature but that comes with age and no fault of her own.

 

She is not near her family and does not have that support at 19/21 that is pretty young not to have family support, he is an older MM compared to her age and this says a lot about the situation.

[hopesndreams]

I am sure that she can get young single guys that is not the issue, OP may be immature but that comes with age and no fault of her own.

 

She is not near her family and does not have that support at 19/21 that is pretty young not to have family support, he is an older MM compared to her age and this says a lot about the situation.

 

Yes it does say a lot about the situation. Older man taking advantage of a young, immature, not very bright girl. That's why I see him as a predator.

 

What else do you have going in your life? School? Work? You need to set yourself on the right track, meeting decent people and feeling good about yourself otherwise you go back to him and waste your life away on a worthless human being, and if not him, than someone equally despicable.

[pricillia]

I wish I could stay and here from the OP but I have to take today to get some important things done today...

 

But to OP, if you could try to reach out to your family and let them know what has been going on in your life, and if you can't do that because you don't feel comfortable come to the realization that this is a unhealthy realtionship in your life and it will be distructive to whatever self esteem that you have left.

 

Breaking up is hard to to and so is growing up...

[RedDevil66]

He does sound manic. Is he a heavy drinker?

[alg24]

Hi-

 

I moved away from home at the age of 17 (had a roommate at that time and

 

my family came to stay with me a lot) I am now 21 and even though I am

 

very close with my family unless winter/spring breaks its hard for them to

 

come see me... My brothers are older and out of the house but I still have a

 

younger little sister just starting high school... Anyway, I have school and

 

work... This guy and I both have jobs that travel a lot. (We deal with horses

 

but different types/sports) During the summer months we are in different

 

states, but during the winter months/ into the spring we find ourselves in the

 

same small town...

 

 

 

I am an attractive girl and have guys that are interested in me... I am not

 

homely (sorry, I am not one of those girls who thinks she is the cats meow)

 

I meet this guy and I just fell... At the time I was not looking for anything...

 

We meet one day randomly and it just started from there... He was the first

 

guy I was really with-- ( I was not a virgin when I meet him, but I could

 

have been in some ways...) we traveled a little together, etc. I just made

 

him my world and since I was very young and immature as well I could not

 

control myself when it came to him. Sine I have been with him, especially

 

now since I have herpes I have not been with anyone else.. I am very

 

focused on my school and job... I just fell into something with this guy.. Its

 

so hard to walk away... I know it is not love... He is more or less my drug

 

 

He is not a heavy drinker... He does drink beer a lot... He is latin (No

 

offense) But he has a very controlling manner, and I am very outspoken

 

and spirited in a sense... Weird phrasing but ya...

 

Before I meet him I went out a lot (not out of control partying) and had

 

many friends.. Soon I attached myself to him... When he came back in

 

October we stayed together ever night... As I said it was literally playing

 

house... We would get up at 6am (Go to work/he would go spend time with

 

his kids) at night he would come over, I would cook for us, and then we

 

would go to sleep. ( He helped me pay for food)

 

 

Today he actually called. He did not call my cell phone, but my house phone

 

I answered (not expecting him to call- really) He told me he is not a bad guy

 

we can be friends, and he would come for my house and see me (I did not

 

ask him ) and he told me he would call me later... I told him it was not

 

necessary to call me... Its just so hard walking away...

 

At age 21 I should not be doing this... ****, he is 38 years old... What has

 

happened to my life? I work very hard, trying to focus in school (I do a pen

 

and paper course-- similar to online)

[alg24]

Also, I do not clearly understand my attraction to him is... I think I am just

 

so attached to him... He tells me all the time I come from a good family

 

and I am to pretty for him. He will say I am to much for him... He is a simple

 

guy which in some ways I liked. He was easy to be around. Not what I was

 

use to. But I have not really been in a relationship before. I moved around a

 

lot when I was younger chasing my dream (a sport) I have an amazing family.

 

They are not abusive. My father is a hard working man, very loving and

 

everything for me in the father- daughter sense (no abuse or anything!) My

 

mother is the same... But I have always been on my own...

 

 

Wow, I am a pathetic mess.

[Heather1]

You're just isolated, and he's your world right now (and he knows this).

 

You're confusing love. Why don't you at least try to break it off & focus on getting some friends to support you? See what relationships really are. You just let the wrong person in & it sounds like your first real relationship. You're young enough to change this destructive pattern. You need to tell someone in your family or a close friend.

[alg24]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, advice, and wisdom.

 

I've been speaking to a couple close friends... They support me (and want to

 

see him out of my life) My best friend who is in her later twenties said that I

 

use to be so strong and confident-- he has taken that away from me.. I am

 

very isolated and lonely as well.. I am a very likable girl and have friends,

 

but I lost many friends due to my relationship with this guy, not to mention

 

I do not go out socially as much (funny coming from a 21y/o) I really am

 

focused on work and school... He filled that lonely void because it was

 

someone to come home to, sleep next to, and be with... I told him a couple

 

weeks ago please don't tell me you love me-- it will hurt me more.. He

 

wrapped me in his arms and said I love you...

 

 

What confuses me-- and I should not care (but its obvious I do) how last

 

night he wanted to make a point that he did not use me for sex and did not

 

use me... How at 4pm he likes being with me... Then at 5pm (after I argue

 

with him) he can't stand me and has not wanted to be with me... i guess this

 

is his constant game... But he tells me he never played games and I am the

 

game player... I have always been very straight forward and honest. He is

 

married still, but yet I do not go out and flirt with other men.

 

 

What happens from here? Will he continue playing "his" game? Or do you

 

think he will leave me alone? He has said many hurtful and disgusting things

 

in the past-- pathetic enough I have always gone back... This time he says

 

he misses his family and he wants to be with his wife... Perhaps he means

 

it? I wish him the best then?

[jwi71]

Have you talked to your family about this? Your friends?

Do you have any allies who can keep this pig at bay?

And I think I just insulted all the pigs out there.

 

This man has already complicated the entirety of your life with the herpes.

Don't waste any more of you on this lying, abusive scumbag.

 

It only gets worse from here.

[fooled once]

This may sound simple but STOP letting him control you. STOP letting him use you. STOP letting him come to your home. Just STOP.

 

Doesn't mean the feelings stop but only YOU can stop this mess.

 

It will never get better. He doesn't love you. He is using you.

 

YOU control YOUR actions. If you continue to let him do this to you .... well.... I hate to say you get what you deserve, but come on. Put a stop to it here and now.

 

If you continue to let him into your life, he is going to continue this. He gave you an STD. He physically abuses you.

 

I really think you need counseling. At 21, you are too young to be involved with him and all this drama. If you continue to let him rule you, you will continue to all screwed up with this. You can stop it. You just have to want to stop all this nonsense.

 

This is NOT how a healthy relationship it.

[RedDevil66]

If he's drinking beer "a lot" then he's a heavy drinker.

 

He has the classic signs of an addict (alcoholic). You should do some research into the addict/codepenent dynamic.

I think this may be where you two are?!

[lovekillsslowly]

Hi alg24 ~ I'm sorry for your pain.

 

After reading all of your post the only thought that kept going through my mind is that he is such a selfish, self-centered person he didn't even bother to wear a condom to protect you from getting herpes!!! That's unacceptable!!!

 

I can maybe, possibly, understand being too scared to tell you that he had herpes for fear of what you might think of him or the fear that you might not want anything to do with him anymore....but for him to not take the incentive to go buy some condoms to protect you just says to me that he didn't care about your health or how this disease could affect your future.

 

All he cared about was his needs, wants and desires in the heat of the moment and he did nothing to prepare himself to be able to protect you when he knew there was a chance you could get herpes from him.

 

And now, thanks to him, you will have to forewarn anyone that you might consider getting involved with in the future that you have herpes and could spread it to them if precautions aren't taken.

 

Herpes....the gift that keeps giving.....what a jerk!!!

 

Forget everything else that has happened....everything that he has said to you....how he has acted towards you....his complete and utter lack of concern for your health says it all.

 

This guy is unbelievable!!!

[MizzBlue72]

HUGS ALG.

No - I don't think you are stupid. All of us OW have at one time or another got 'sucked in' - most by our own volition, we own it, but no -- it was a mistake. Think of this as a learning experience.

 

I hope you do feel better.

[Heather1]

He sounds really abusive & manic. Relationships are supposed to make you feel GOOD about yourself. People are supposed to bring out the best in each other, not this crazy stuff. And I'll say it again....crazy people make you think you're crazy!!! He's making you out to be the drama queen when he's creating the drama. How else are you supposed to react when you don't know what he's going to say or feel from almost minute to minute it sounds like.

You're going to need help getting out of this, and some therapy. You're in school, is there a campus health center with a therapist? It's free, you should look into it. You're not going to come out of this feeling very good for quite awhile. Take the whole OW aspect out of it (which I'm sure he's using against you to make you feel worse & that you deserve this treatment). It's an abusive relationship, flat out.

[RedDevil66]

He sounds really abusive & manic. Relationships are supposed to make you feel GOOD about yourself. People are supposed to bring out the best in each other, not this crazy stuff. And I'll say it again....crazy people make you think you're crazy!!! He's making you out to be the drama queen when he's creating the drama. How else are you supposed to react when you don't know what he's going to say or feel from almost minute to minute it sounds like.

You're going to need help getting out of this, and some therapy. You're in school, is there a campus health center with a therapist? It's free, you should look into it. You're not going to come out of this feeling very good for quite awhile. Take the whole OW aspect out of it (which I'm sure he's using against you to make you feel worse & that you deserve this treatment). It's an abusive relationship, flat out.

 

great post and very true!

[alg24]

thank you everyone for your replies...

 

 

In regards to the herpes I honestly don't think he knew he had it...

 

Really... When I had the outbreak last year I went to the doctor... She

 

looked at me and said herpes... I can still remember the shock and pain..

 

I asked if it could have been a bad rash? haha.. stupid me... (he and I had

 

protected sex for about 6 months-- he promised me he was clean and

 

expected the same... I was very dumb to not keep using protection)

 

Anyway, when I told him, before the test results came back, he was

 

freaked but did not think he could have given me herpes. I was in a lot of

 

pain and he stayed with me all the time... It was awful.. Anyway, when I

 

found out I had it I attacked him... Not physically but verbally... He

 

showed up later at my house crying... Called me crying... Anyway, he

 

never has an outbreak... Not to be graphic but if I am having an outbreak

 

we can be oral or just have sex (he never has an outbreak!) I blame

 

myself in the sense I should have kept using protection. Thats why I tell

 

my friends, even when the guy says he is clean keep using protection!

 

Some say you can still get herpes with protection... I have not slept with

 

anyone else since herpes, but of course I would tell other partners... I am

 

still adjusting to everything. I almost think that is part of the reason I stay

 

-- you would think this would make me hate him and keep away... But I

 

almost think I am afraid to be with anyone else...

 

 

I don't like to judge people... Or think I am better than anyone else.. We

 

are equal... But I am 21 years old... Very attractive... I come from a great

 

family... I have so much going for me... Then this guy is 38 years old...

 

And his life is crap-- well he has destroyed it... He is not going anywhere.

 

He is on the path to nowhere- I see this.. But I stay.. I don't understand

 

me... Perhaps I have gotten so use to him always being there...

 

 

In regards to my school I don't go to a campus. Its a correspondence

 

program so I do my work at a tutoring center, starbucks, library, etc.

 

 

I do/can have a social life but even when i am busy I miss him A LOT

 

 

 

Thank-you everyone..

[Lucky_One]

Mid Feb. I

 

was diagnosed with Herpes... Its 100% he gave it to me... He wasn't sleep

 

with the wife (she confirmed this later on-- I did tell her about the herpes...)

 

 

In April he got physical with me... I should have been down with it then...

 

a week we were back together... End of May we had a huge blow out

 

again...

 

My 21st birthday we got in a huge fight... I literally chased him in

 

a car! He took my computer.. A week later we were back together...

 

 

 

You self-described this relationship as toxic. I am glad you realize that. Because a man who is sleeping with (at least) a third partner, a man who gives you an STD because he can't be trusted to protect himself and you by using a condom, a man who gets physical and hits you, a man who steals your belongings in an attempt to control you, is a physically and emotionally abusive man.

 

This man is abusive. This man is abusive. This man is abusive. How many times will you need to read that before you understand that?

 

I suggest that you contact a woman's domestic violence shelter. They have trained counselors there who can help you with boundary issues that you obviously have, and with how to stay strong against the honeymoon luring of the abusive man.

[fooled once]

You self-described this relationship as toxic. I am glad you realize that. Because a man who is sleeping with (at least) a third partner, a man who gives you an STD because he can't be trusted to protect himself and you by using a condom, a man who gets physical and hits you, a man who steals your belongings in an attempt to control you, is a physically and emotionally abusive man.

 

This man is abusive. This man is abusive. This man is abusive. How many times will you need to read that before you understand that?

 

I suggest that you contact a woman's domestic violence shelter. They have trained counselors there who can help you with boundary issues that you obviously have, and with how to stay strong against the honeymoon luring of the abusive man.

 

Excellent advice.

 

Alg, this man has given you a lifelong STD. He is TOXIC. Either you enjoy drama or you are just too naive to realize this is NOT a healthy relationship. Please get help!