Working with xMM - an Update

[StoptheDrama]

It's been a while since I posted. I stopped coming aound as I began to feel that reading so much on this site was keeping me invested in my xMM. Lately I've been lurking, reading some and responding once or twice but now I feel comfortable and strong enough to post something positive. It is possible to work with xMM and not have the same negative emotions that resulted from the lies, games and revelations post A affect me so badly. They do lose their power!

 

I see him so much clearer now! Interraction with him still is and will continue to be a chess match of sorts as long as we work together but I know the game and I am in control. No more angst, no more anger, no more frustration, no more hurt or sadness...it's all gone. He still tries to play games - fishing, flirting, provocative inuendos, etc. But even those have no real effect on me. I find it to be ridiculous. It's laughable at times. Does he really think it's going to work? He must really think I am that gullible/stupid to believe in him again. I have no interest in him physical or romantic and his attempts at flirtation just make me laugh. He even seems to get jealous...WTF??

 

He seems so pathetic now. Just an almost middle aged man trying to get his thrills and it makes me proud to know that they will never come at my expense again. Sometimes I almost feel sorry for him but then other times I just feel disgust. I will never forgive him for the lies/games and ridiculous drama because he has not and will never admit to it. He is so wrapped up in being the 'good guy' that anything to the contrary is inconceivable. He truly is everything he pretended not to be and that is really sad.

 

I don't know if I will ever get to the place where I have absolutely no emotion toward him but now it is minimal. And that is more than OK with me.

[whichwayisup]

You really ought to distance yourself from him. It's great that your heart and mind have bonded and realized he's an idiot.. BUT, saying and feeling it is one thing..Putting a plan into action to really detach and cut him out of your life personally as much as you can has to happen. I mean, how do you really get over someone when you see them 5 days a week?

 

Look forward to the day you feel indifferent! And he has NO effect on you whatsoever.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

anyone have any advice on how to achieve this? i work with xmm. i have chosen not to contact him in anyway. he talks to me at work, i always stop the conversation. but just seeing him hurts. knowing hes trying to talk to me, even when i dont respond opens up all of the emotions. its pure painful torture. i want to get over him but every time i see him just brings it all back.

 

im looking for another job. i havent found one yet, hopefully soon.

 

but the pain at the moment seems to be getting worse. hes getting his "fix" by being around me, talking to me, whatever. just the thought of him crushes my heart and tears me to shreds. im a mess and im not sure how to make myself not care anymore.

 

i can see hes a total jerk. i realize he picked her, loves her, his marriage is much more important that my feelings. my mind knows what kind of person he really is. but my heart hurts over the fact that he easily chose to stay in the marriage and shut me out without a second thought.. ive never wanted him to be my husband. i never wanted it to be forever. but i did trust him as my best friend, i believed he cared about me as a person. and im not sure how to deal with the fact that i meant so little to a man who meant so much to me.

 

thanks for any tips and advice that you can give.

Edited November 20, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl

[OWoman]

I think success in working with xMMs depends on who broke it off, and under what conditions. It's a great deal easier for the one who chose to end it than for the one who was dropped - sometimes blindsided - by the ending. If the ending followed a DDay, I imagine it's even worse to deal with, as the A is "out there" and subject to all kinds of scrutiny from the BW, who may have put in place demands regarding NC / LC and transparency. For an OW who is on the receiving end of that, things can be a good deal more complicated and difficult than for the OW who decides, of her own and under no duress from the MM, to walk away from the A.

 

I have worked with an xMM - I broke of the A at the point we started to work together as I feared it would get messy, as I would be reporting to him. Although he didn't like that, he accepted it (he had no choice ) but because the work required us to work closely together we continued to see a lot of each other, and were always in and out of each other's offices. I had no problem with it - I was done and dusted with the A, but he still had residual feelings and so it all ended badly (for him). At some point his BW became suspicious, pressurised him for a job there and started to watch him like a hawk. Her behaviour became more invasive - she'd storm into meetings if she saw his door closed, she'd shriek at him across crowded foyers and generally acted completely out of control in a way that brought the organisation into disrepute. He was given the option of firing her and ensuring she stayed off the premises - people had noticed her harassing me, even though I hadn't reported it - or of facing disciplinary action himself. She refused to comply, so they were both summarily dismissed, and had to leave the country. Her D had to drop out of university, and her son had his schooling disrupted. Whether their M survived or not, I've no idea.

 

Had I been invested in the A, I would not have been able to stand outside the mess without getting contaminated myself. Their fate could have been mine (well, not getting deported, but the rest of it) if I had been less able to separate my working life from my personal life. It's a potentially hazardous situation, yet given today's situation where we invest heavily in our working lives - not only time, but identity, values and commitment - "work" is where most people meet new people, be they friends, potential lovers or mentors on their career paths. While it's easy to say, don't **** in your kitchen, in reality, if your world is so centred on the workplace, how can anyone guarantee that this kind of thing can't happen?

[whichwayisup]

BEG, I'm so glad to hear that you're looking for another job. Sorry to say this, but your marriage doesn't have a chance right now.. You're so inlove with MM and hurting so much that the MM chose his wife over you.. It's like all that work you put into your husband, your marriage has been wiped out because you can't let go of your MM.. How can he have chosen you when you both have spouses? This is what I don't understand. Were you truly willing to leave your husband if your MM left his wife?

If so, then maybe letting your H go is only fair to him.. He's second fiddle.

[ladydesigner]

Stopthedrama...I loved this post. They are ALL so pathetic my XOM included!!! I am so happy to be over him and NC. Good for you I am happy you are at this point, I as well. It is a good place to be.

[StoptheDrama]

Stopthedrama...I loved this post. They are ALL so pathetic my XOM included!!! I am so happy to be over him and NC. Good for you I am happy you are at this point, I as well. It is a good place to be.

 

Thanks, ladydesigner! It really is a good place to be! I finally feel whole and strong again. That needy, emotional wreck I became (fortunately temporarily) is gone and I am back to the strong, confident woman I am. What is most important to me now is to learn from my mistakes, understand why I made them and never allow myself to be in that position ever again. Vulnerability and loneliness is no excuse to lower myself to such a level and allow myself to be manipulated by such a narcissist.

[StoptheDrama]

anyone have any advice on how to achieve this? i work with xmm. i have chosen not to contact him in anyway. he talks to me at work, i always stop the conversation. but just seeing him hurts. knowing hes trying to talk to me, even when i dont respond opens up all of the emotions. its pure painful torture. i want to get over him but every time i see him just brings it all back.

 

im looking for another job. i havent found one yet, hopefully soon.

 

but the pain at the moment seems to be getting worse. hes getting his "fix" by being around me, talking to me, whatever. just the thought of him crushes my heart and tears me to shreds. im a mess and im not sure how to make myself not care anymore.

 

i can see hes a total jerk. i realize he picked her, loves her, his marriage is much more important that my feelings. my mind knows what kind of person he really is. but my heart hurts over the fact that he easily chose to stay in the marriage and shut me out without a second thought.. ive never wanted him to be my husband. i never wanted it to be forever. but i did trust him as my best friend, i believed he cared about me as a person. and im not sure how to deal with the fact that i meant so little to a man who meant so much to me.

 

thanks for any tips and advice that you can give.

 

MBEG, it just takes time. I was where you are and had no idea how I was going to be able to cope and deal with him professionally. I ended the A (more times than I can count) but I cared for him deeply. What may have been the catalyst for me was the realization that he was not the person I cared for; I don't believe that man ever existed. Once I accepted that and mourned that loss, I feel my healing process really began.

 

I have looked for another job and am still looking but I no longer believe it is a prerequisite to healing after an A. We are stronger than we believe ourselves to be in the period immediately following the A. The hurt and sadness you feel now will diminish. Focus on you, your H and what you want/need in your life. Your xMM is not part of that.

[jj33]

Thanks, ladydesigner! It really is a good place to be! I finally feel whole and strong again. That needy, emotional wreck I became (fortunately temporarily) is gone and I am back to the strong, confident woman I am. What is most important to me now is to learn from my mistakes, understand why I made them and never allow myself to be in that position ever again. Vulnerability and loneliness is no excuse to lower myself to such a level and allow myself to be manipulated by such a narcissist.

 

I second that one. Glad you are doing well.

[StoptheDrama]

I second that one. Glad you are doing well.

 

Thanks, JJ! I am too...it feels really good. I hope that your situation has improved. I know from our conversations, our xMM's often acted in an eerily similar fashion...