mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Posted this on the other board but think it might work better here. rumor has it that xMM's wife is filing. anyone gone through this? what is your role as the xOW? i realize it probably varies by state. but do you have to go and give a statement in person? and if so, what is asked? length of affair? number of times? details? last i talked to him over a month ago the story she had is far from the truth. he said it was just a time or two. are they going to ask me about this? im i going to have to "out" him in the court room? (even though it would be sweet, sweet revenge) i certainly dont want to cover for him, but i dont want to out him either. i would rather just say, yes i was involved and not have a part in their battle. thanks for any help with this Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 What state are you in? If you rish TMI, then are you in a community property state? If so, the judge won't want to hear a thing about affairs. If not, then move! Hope that didn't sound harsh but I would never live in a state that wasn't community property. You might be dragged in as a character witness or accomplice otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 WF, it is my understanding that she can still be called in as a character witness. maybe even in mediation. I could be wrong, but I think some states allow this to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 GA. not a community property state. i know of another d in my state where the OW was called in and questioned, even though the H admitted the affair. so anyone out there? any OW/OM who had to give a statement? or BS who divorced their spouse for adultery, did their OW/OM have to come in, and what did they have to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 http://www.gabar.org/communications/consumer_pamphlet_series/divorce/ IME, and in my divorce, if the parties reach agreement on divorce issues, no court time (and all that attendant drama) is required. The parties can stipulate to what they would say in court, file those papers with the court and the court makes sure everything is in order and filed correctly and then issues a judgment essentially rubber-stamping what the parties have agreed to. Georgia is a state where divorces can be sued for fault or no-fault; it's up to the petitioner. Is the W suing for fault? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 i have NO idea. this info came from someone who didnt know about our A. and had no idea ive ever been involved with him. she was spreading some gossip that she heard his wife was filing for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 i have NO idea. this info came from someone who didnt know about our A. and had no idea ive ever been involved with him. she was spreading some gossip that she heard his wife was filing for divorce. No fault state herezn but in cases where alimony is up to the judge, any evidence must be submitted and available to the other side pretrial. This includes anyone who might be suppeonaed. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 i have NO idea. this info came from someone who didnt know about our A. and had no idea ive ever been involved with him. she was spreading some gossip that she heard his wife was filing for divorce. OK, so, assuming the 'x' part of xMM, the worst that could happen would be a subpoena and some testimony, if it is a fault divorce. I seriously doubt it will come to that unless it is a really rancorous divorce. Regardless, deadpan the truth and move on. If you had an affair, you had an affair. If you were in love, you were in love. You're not on trial. I've been in court in adversarial and non-adversarial civil situations and it's more the alien nature of the process than the actual subject matter that is most disconcerting to me. I take it you have not been through a divorce yourself. Perhaps spend a little time reading through the free bar association information I linked to and get acquainted with the process and then move on to other things in your life, dealing with this if and when it happens, which it may not for months or years to come, if ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Posted this on the other board but think it might work better here. rumor has it that xMM's wife is filing. anyone gone through this? what is your role as the xOW? i realize it probably varies by state. what is your role? Nothing, except one of the reasons why she may be filing. there are alienation of affection laws where a spouse can sue the affair partner of their WS. But its outdated, unfortunately;), and nobody ever uses that law. Someone did try here in the US about a year ago, and actually, I believe they won money from the OW. but do you have to go and give a statement in person? and if so, what is asked? length of affair? number of times? details? no. cheating doesn't matter one iota in a divorce. Unfortunately, you and your man could have had sex in her bed and she walks right in, and he tells her to get the eff out....and still she is only entitled to what she is entitled to. It doesn't give her a leg up in the divorce, unfortunately. It only gives her a "reason" to file. which really means nothing. last i talked to him over a month ago the story she had is far from the truth. he said it was just a time or two. are they going to ask me about this? im i going to have to "out" him in the court room? (even though it would be sweet, sweet revenge) no, again, the courts don't care i certainly dont want to cover for him, but i dont want to out him either. i would rather just say, yes i was involved and not have a part in their battle. oh, NOW you don't want to be involved:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 What makes you think the BW will even want to have anything to do with you? Maybe she just wants to be done with her H and you may be the last person on earth she would want to bring into her life. Believe me honey, most BW aren't interested in anything the OW has to say. If he has admitted to an affair, she has all she needs from him. She would have no reason to think that your truth would be any different than his truth. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 I thought that even in "fault" cases, infidelity could no longer be used as grounds for divorce. Everyone here uses Guess it depends on the state and what your going for. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Here's an excerpt from the GA bar site I linked: What are the fault grounds? To obtain a divorce on one of the 12 fault grounds, one must prove that there was some wrongdoing by one of the parties to the marriage. As an example, one fault ground is adultery. Adultery in Georgia includes heterosexual and homosexual relations between one spouse and another individual. Another fault ground for divorce in Georgia is desertion. A divorce may be granted on the grounds that a person has deserted his or her spouse willfully for at least one year. Other fault grounds include mental or physical abuse, marriage between persons who are too closely related, mental incapacity at the time of marriage, impotency at the time of marriage, force or fraud in obtaining the marriage, pregnancy of the wife unknown to the husband at the time of the marriage, conviction and imprisonment for certain crimes, habitual intoxication or drug addiction and mental illness. Great reading, BTW; knowledge is power. Hope the OP spends an hour gathering pertinent facts. I'm sure it will set her mind at ease Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Dexter posted some stuff that isn't technically correct. Affairs CAN affect property division, if the injured party can prove that the adulterous party squandered marital funds (and most all funds can be called marital) or if the adulterous party missed earning opportunities (took time off without pay to be with the affair partner, lost bonuses because of poor work productivity, etc). Eight states (GA is not one of them) still have alienation of affection laws. North Carolina (according to Wikipedia) had 200 AofA suits filed last year; in 2001, two plaintiffs were awarded $2 million and $1.4 million. Cheating also has a basis in marital fault, which deals with alimony. If the BS in this case was independently wealthy, then MM could not petition for alimony, if he has been cheating. There is legislation on the books in GA that provides that judges don't have allow alimony to an adulterous spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Wow! Wish I lived in a fault state. Hmmm. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 she was spreading some gossip that she heard his wife was filing for divorce. It could just be gossip. I wouldn't worry about it yet.. Question, did you tell your H about this recent gossip/news you've heard? Just wondering how he feels about it. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Infidelity is very hard to prove anymore, unfortunately. From what I read when I was going through my divorce (although my divorce had nothing to do with cheating) unless you have video or pictures of two people IN THE ACT, then *shrug* no infidelity. last i talked to him over a month ago You just spoke to him a week ago right? Where he told you he still loves you? Sounds like your friend is spreading gossip. I would ignore it and tell your friend you really don't care about him or his marriage and it isn't your (or her) business. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Note, in GA, if the petitioner files for a fault divorce, and names infidelity as one of the faults, the petitioner is charged with 'proving' that fault. Hence, the OP could be subpoenaed to substantiate that proof. I have a feeling that is what the OP is concerned about; having to testify. OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Wow! Wish I lived in a fault state. Hmmm. Most states DO have a form of fault. Even in a state that allows for no-fault (and all that really means is you don't have to show a reason like adultery, insanity, irrec differences, etc), adultery can still affect property division. Here's a link about that issue for Rhode Island - http://www.divorcenet.com/divorcenet_2/states/rhode_island/no_fault_divorce_in_ri Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 In Cali, a no-fault-only state, on the FL-100, there is a selection of either 1. Irreconcilable differences or 2. Incurable insanity My stbx, the petitioner, couldn't check both Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 18, 2009 Author Share Posted November 18, 2009 fooled - to clarify the last time i talked to him and carried a conversation about details, our affair or anything other than replying that i was staying with my husband was over a month ago. the crap he pulled a week ago wasnt a converstation with any substance to it. and yes, my only concern here is being brought in to testify. i have this vision of an attorney asking me to verify that we only had sex 2 times (like he told her) and then me having to say that it was for years. thats my fear. i have done some reasearch (and thank you for the links). it does seem that the OW is sometimes brought in to prove that there was an affair if the wife doesnt have concrete evidence, even if the WS admits to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Did he spend a lot of money on you? Is there a paper trail of it? If yes, those were marital assets and she is entitled to half of it, if her attorney wants to play hardball and if it was substantial. It will and can figure in to the final settlement. 2sure, you listening here? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 and yes, my only concern here is being brought in to testify. i have this vision of an attorney asking me to verify that we only had sex 2 times (like he told her) and then me having to say that it was for years. thats my fear. Don't get it in your head that you will be doing this in a courtroom, like in the movies; that is sort of atypical for divorce cases. Generally, you would be deposed, and go into a lawyer's office and be sworn in and answer questions in front of a court reporter. The reporter transcribes the information and distributes to both parties' counsel in the suit. The counsel each reads all the information obtained during the discovery process, and can make the decision to try to reach an agreement out of court or to proceed in court. If they decide to go to court, they may not need you as a witness at that point. If you are deposed (or have to testify in court), don't fret over it now. You won't be doing anything except telling the truth (which you have wanted to tell BS anyway), and your H won't learn anything new, either. You aren't doing anything wrong by telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
lori22 Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 When my H went on with the D,his lawyer subpoena my MM at work,MM was to go not in a courtroom but in a room and answer questions of our A. I had a choice to be there,which I declined and my H had a choice to be there which he wanted to be there.Anway it never came down to that MM sent my H lawyers emails which showed we had a affair in detail and we basically came to a agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Dexter posted some stuff that isn't technically correct. Affairs CAN affect property division, if the injured party can prove that the adulterous party squandered marital funds (and most all funds can be called marital) or if the adulterous party missed earning opportunities (took time off without pay to be with the affair partner, lost bonuses because of poor work productivity, etc). not in my state, if a cheating partner drains a bank account, that is just tough luck...as long as they drain it BEFORE the divorce is filed. But then again it doesn't take infidelity to declare that someone maliciously squandered money. Money can be squandered without infidelity and the other spouse can do something about it. Infidelity still does NOT come in to play. A judge can order a spouse to make restitution for money squandered, but has nothing to do with whether they cheated on not. Cheating also has a basis in marital fault, which deals with alimony. no, it doesn't. My wife was the one that cheated, and she might have been able to get alimony from me. the judge doesn't look at her and say, you are in need of alimony....oops wait, you are a cheating skank....NO MONEY FOR YOU. Doesn't work that way...unfortunately, and I wish you were right. If the BS in this case was independently wealthy, then MM could not petition for alimony, if he has been cheating. in that case it wouldn't matter if they were cheating or not. The law, again unfortunately, doesn't say, you are rich...and you are a cheating scumbag...therefore since both are true, you pay up! There is legislation on the books in GA that provides that judges don't have allow alimony to an adulterous spouse. can you show me the legislation, or the precedent where people are awarded alimony BECAUSE of adultery? prenups don't count, and even then aren't always enforcable. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 Wow! Wish I lived in a fault state. Hmmm. wouldn't do you a bit of good. it would only give you a reason to file. thats it. Link to post Share on other sites
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