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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th November 2009, 9:40 PM   #16
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Im not understanding Dexter either. I have read some other posts not related to an affair where Dexter is a kind, caring, down to earth person. I have also received some good advice (related to affairs) from Dexter. You sort of have to sift through the cra* to find the gold.

And as I understand it (please forgive me if im wrong), Dexter was a BS and kicked her to the curb and is now trying to provide insight as to how it feels to be on that side of things.

But...he does it in a way thats sooo crude and out there that all you can pay attention to is the confrontational bs (not betrayed spouse).

so dexter, is all this intentional? are you trying to provide advice or just really wanting to stick it to the people involved in the affair?
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:39 PM   #17
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I love how the people sticking up for Apple are the same people that have pretty much done the exact same thing as apple, ended up on LS because now they are miserable and have yet to learn from their actions.

Apple,
The OM was lying about staying just for the kids just like you lied about not leaving for the OM. Respect your H as a person, man, husband, and father of your children and let him know whats actually going on. Do what stamp said and show him this thread and let HIM decide whats best for his life, not you
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:41 PM   #18
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mybrowneyedgirl,
You of all people should not be criticizing dex for being unpredictable when you constantly come on here claiming to want your marriage and not the MM, but your actions and post are always saying otherwise
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:49 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by wheelwright View Post
Dexter, are you as intolerant and unforgiving as this in all walks of life? Or is it just about affairs?
nope, its just cheating. its the only thing, other than murder and other forms of betrayal, that I find unforgivable.

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What do you do when a friend of yours behaves badly, then explains that they were messed up at the time? Do you ditch them, because any 'bad' behaviour is a sign that they don't like you after all? Or are all your friends perfect?
never had a friend like that, I definitely would give them a tongue lashing, and probably wouldn't hang around them much after that...guilt by association. I'd probably get slapped across the face of any woman I'd be dating if they thought I was out with a friend that was a dog

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Or given the one strike and you're out, do you suffer a lack of friends?
nope, I don't hang around people that do that.

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Would you like to reveal something you have forgiven in another human being?
nope, never had anything in life to have to forgive other than cheating, and I don't feel the need to forgive that, just to move on and get away from it.
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:54 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl View Post

But...he does it in a way thats sooo crude and out there that all you can pay attention to is the confrontational bs (not betrayed spouse).
this is the mind of most, not all, BS's. sure, they get pissed. I'm no longer pissed or hurt by what my X did, because I am free from her and she is no longer significant. but still doesn't mean that people that cheat and are so laisez-faire about it doesn't get one riled up.


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so dexter, is all this intentional? are you trying to provide advice or just really wanting to stick it to the people involved in the affair?
I little of both and they are intertwined. this is the kind of emotions that are stirred up in the cheaters so-called loved ones.

but most of it is real. yes, I think BS's need to be freed from cheaters, just like the OP. a better life away from the cheater awaits them, I KNOW
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Old 17th November 2009, 9:59 PM   #21
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lkjh - do you ever post about anything other than my words and my life? funny, i do remember anything but MBEG bashing coming from you.

and go back. re-read my post. i didnt bash dexter at all. i did ask in my mind a valid question. maybe this is dexter's place to unleash some of those negative feelings regarding his M. maybe its just an inference, but ive not noticed dexter here looking for advice. he seems to be here to offer his opinion. and maybe his agenda is to provide the point of view of a bitter betrayed spouse.

i was actually for part of my post DEFENDING dex. ive seen a soft sensitive side of him. its not all the harsh, stick it to you type of posts.

so before you continue to judge, make generalizations about my feelings, why dont you get your facts straight. im sick of you interpreting my feelings and my posts for me. i wrote them, i think i know what they mean.
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Old 17th November 2009, 10:05 PM   #22
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lkjh - and i forgot. you are SO right. i guess that giving my xMM bj's under the desk every day and then coming on here claiming to want my marriage could be a little contradictory. thanks for pointing that out to me...i'll have to find a better way to keep stringing both along.

(and this is a joke, incase anyone hasnt followed the previous posts in this thread)
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Old 17th November 2009, 10:39 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl View Post
lkjh - do you ever post about anything other than my words and my life? funny, i do remember anything but MBEG bashing coming from you.

and go back. re-read my post. i didnt bash dexter at all. i did ask in my mind a valid question. maybe this is dexter's place to unleash some of those negative feelings regarding his M. maybe its just an inference, but ive not noticed dexter here looking for advice. he seems to be here to offer his opinion. and maybe his agenda is to provide the point of view of a bitter betrayed spouse.

i was actually for part of my post DEFENDING dex. ive seen a soft sensitive side of him. its not all the harsh, stick it to you type of posts.

so before you continue to judge, make generalizations about my feelings, why dont you get your facts straight. im sick of you interpreting my feelings and my posts for me. i wrote them, i think i know what they mean.
I did the same thing as you, stated the obvious. But when you do it, its ok but when I do it its bashing. Bit of a double standard. I don't need to interpret someones feelings when I can see their actions. I pointed out something clear as day, you did the same thing as the op, traveled down that road and ended up screwed in life. Instead of telling her to wise up before this happens to her you want to sympathize with her. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results. It's a pretty good defintion

Also, I did give the op advice. read the second half of my post
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Old 17th November 2009, 11:14 PM   #24
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So you're going to stay with your husband while hoping you get the chance to screw him over again. Wonderful. You poor, poor thing.
Here's what you need to do. Open a new email to use as your official email for your husband to have something to check, just in case your wonderful sweet snookums decides to get back in touch. Also, make sure you get one of those throw away phones, so you'll have a new number to give the other guy if he does contact you again, you know, because your husband will probably be checking your phone bill. Oh, who am I kidding? There are people on here with skills at this who can tell you way better things to do than I can. Besides, I need to crawl off into my corner and give myself 50 lashes for being such a bad person, I say mean things to people online, which is so much worse than sneaking around and destroying lives and families.
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Old 18th November 2009, 1:58 AM   #25
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Well...the the absence of physical intimacy came BEFORE she had an affair...so..if she said to her husband the OM is not the reason, that is not entirely false, is it?

Of course, she also expected the OM to still be with her even after the divorce....and now that he is gone...why shouldn't she take her husband's offer to rebuild their marriage? to work on it? She has that option-even if some of you didn't.

So, Apple31, mourn the end of your affair...you will miss him, you will hurt more...but dont forget your husband--he too will mourn the loss of that person he knew from way back...the faithful wife, friend, etc.etc..so don't take too long to heal your broken heart, your husband might also heal his and he might decide you are just not worth a second chance...
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Old 18th November 2009, 5:01 AM   #26
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"If I cannot be with my AP then I want to have a happy marriage with my H" - your words.
Then if you can be with you AP, there'll be no doubt that you'll send your sorry H's arse out before he knows it.

You're not even sorry. Stop lying to yourself and set your husband free. I'm sorry but this is extremely selfish. Pls let him go, then you grow up and become a better person.
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Old 18th November 2009, 5:36 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tami-chan View Post
Well...the the absence of physical intimacy came BEFORE she had an affair...so..if she said to her husband the OM is not the reason, that is not entirely false, is it?

Of course, she also expected the OM to still be with her even after the divorce....and now that he is gone...why shouldn't she take her husband's offer to rebuild their marriage? to work on it? She has that option-even if some of you didn't.

So, Apple31, mourn the end of your affair...you will miss him, you will hurt more...but dont forget your husband--he too will mourn the loss of that person he knew from way back...the faithful wife, friend, etc.etc..so don't take too long to heal your broken heart, your husband might also heal his and he might decide you are just not worth a second chance...
Because her husband doesn't know she was cheating on him and only decided to work on the marriage after her cheater decided to not come back

Now come on, no one is that dumb to think this is OK to do?! Now are they?!
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Old 18th November 2009, 11:19 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by RedDevil66 View Post
Because her husband doesn't know she was cheating on him and only decided to work on the marriage after her cheater decided to not come back

Now come on, no one is that dumb to think this is OK to do?! Now are they?!
apparently someone IS
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Old 18th November 2009, 12:43 PM   #29
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I agree with so many others -- your H doesn't deserve the crap you are feeding him.

You were divorcing him to be with the MM. FACE IT, OWN IT.

You decided since the MM is staying with his wife, NOW you want to make your marriage work. FACE IT, OWN IT.

Stop lying to your husband, yourself and us.

At least be HONEST with someone.

You would go running back to the MM if he called. You do not want your marriage, you just need a man to support you, take care of you, etc.

I frankly LOVE Dexter's posts. They are honest, they are truthful and while at times harsh, they are usually spot on regarding affairs.

No person should be stuck with a cheater because the cheater is lying to them about 'rebuilding' the marriage, all the while boo-hooing over the end of an affair. It is not fair to the spouse to be 2nd choice, because that IS what they are. IF the MM had left, the majority of the OW who are now saying they want to rebuild their marriage, these OW would be with them.

I appreciate Dexter's honesty and his take no prisoner's approach. Some people NEED to really hear it and not have it glossed over with "its okay, you are better than the wife, he only stayed for the kids, he still loves you and probably always will" posts.

Cheating is a subject that doesn't have much 'gray' area. It is for many people black and white. Cheating = bad *shrug*
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