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I met with MM and everything went as usual - light, flirty, and fun. Until he inquired if he could ask me a personal question: Why was I still single?

He said he wondered how, given my looks and personality, why was I unattached. He also wanted to know how long I have been divorced.

 

Keep in mind that I have never felt like the OW. We really haven't discussed our circumstances or defined or relationship. It has actually been very innocent - aside from a few hugs and kisses.

 

My confusion is due to the fact that last visit he said he was falling in love, this visit he asks this question. What would he hope to learn from my answer. Is he wondering if I have some issues, does he think I might go back to my EXH, is he wondering if I'm seeing anyone (we've never discussed this), or is it just curiosity?

 

Any thoughts on what this might mean?

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have you started a PA?

 

If not, he's setting you up for a slam dunk. His feelings will change immediately after sex (if he's never had an A before). It's a line....be flattered, and unless you want this A, run for the hills. I still think about the things OM said to me before sex, and how well he treated me & the un-asked for favors he did for me. I'm still waiting for him to say those things to me again, over a year into it.

 

It was the "I'm really falling for you" line that got me.

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lovekillsslowly

Hi Kirby ~ just a warning. Probably the next thing he will ask you (if he hasn't already) is "Why do you put up with me? Why haven't you told me to take a hike? You can do so much better than me?"

 

So be prepared to have that shocker of a question come out of his mouth also.

 

Good Luck! I truly hope you get everything you want and desire out of this relationship!

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I agree with all of the above especially the run for the hills part!! I was with my MM 6 months before we slept together and how i wish now i had stopped then!! 2yrs later we are still together and he is still M!! Once the 'L' word is mentioned if he doesn't leave his W in my opinion he never will. I would give anything to turn the clock back and just walk away. Good Luck xx

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While I certainly agree with all of the other answers to your query, I am fixated on the wording of his question.

 

You state that the two of you have been messing around for awhile.

 

He asked you "why are you still single. So even though you are messing around with him, you are still single in his mind.

 

I think he asked to flatter himself. Nothing at all to do with any issues you have. He figures you are keeping yourself single to be available to him, IMO.

 

Sounds like he plans to ask you to officially be his OW. And like another poster already said, after that he'll basically start asking you "why you accept so little from him" in so many words.

 

Dare I say, run for the hills?

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To better assess the situation, I probably should have posted my response to his question - Why are you still single?

 

I explained that after a long term marriage I was not ready to get involved with anyone and that I thought decisions made at such a vulnerable time would probably not be the soundest; I needed time to heal from the divorce and get to a place where I was ok being alone. Come to find out he had been divorced for a number of years before he entered a relationship also. He could relate.

 

He also said that he basically knew how I would answer the question before even asking. He seemed pleased with my response.

 

I'm just puzzled as to what he really wanted to know??!!

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What would he hope to learn from my answer.

 

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He doesn't care about your answer. He just wanted you to be thinking about him. And, look! Not only are you thinking about him, you are thinking about him so much that you are posting about him on a relationship site.

 

Now you, however, might learn something from your answer to that question. Why are you still single? Why aren't you flirting with someone or many someones instead of with this MM? Are you too wrapped up in MM already to be able to notice anyone else or find anyone else attractive?

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He seemed pleased with my response.
Yes, because you said you were vulnerable, probably not able to use good judgment, and not looking for a real relationship at the moment.

 

Perfect affair victim target for him.

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NO. NO. No. I explained that I have been divorced several years and did not rush into a relationship right away. I did not want to make poor choices AT THAT TIME . The vulnerability was at the time of the divorce. I did say that I have since seen other people but no one in particular has captured my attention to any great degree.

 

If anything, I think he understood why I waited before getting back into the dating scene.

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To better assess the situation, I probably should have posted my response to his question - Why are you still single?

 

I explained that after a long term marriage I was not ready to get involved with anyone and that I thought decisions made at such a vulnerable time would probably not be the soundest; I needed time to heal from the divorce and get to a place where I was ok being alone. Come to find out he had been divorced for a number of years before he entered a relationship also. He could relate.

 

He also said that he basically knew how I would answer the question before even asking. He seemed pleased with my response.

 

I'm just puzzled as to what he really wanted to know??!!

 

 

I chuckled a little at the bolded part.

 

I'd be pleased with your answer too if I was looking to cheat and stay married expecting that the OP knew that nothing long-term, committed, or serious was going to take place in our pending affair.

 

He just wanted to know if you were open to a little fling. And so far, isn't that what you have been having?

 

Can I say "run" again?

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bentnotbroken
I chuckled a little at the bolded part.

 

I'd be pleased with your answer too if I was looking to cheat and stay married expecting that the OP knew that nothing long-term, committed, or serious was going to take place in our pending affair.

 

He just wanted to know if you were open to a little fling. And so far, isn't that what you have been having?

 

Can I say "run" again?

 

 

I second this response, including the double chuckle. :p

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He also said that he basically knew how I would answer the question before even asking. He seemed pleased with my response.

I would suggest that you ASK HIM why he asked you a question that he basically knew how you'd answer, and why did he seem pleased (or was it 'smug') when you answered as he expected you would?

ASK HIM what BS "test" he manipulated you into taking, and HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE to give you a satisfactory response as to what he was up to, and why he felt it necessary.

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OK girls now you all have me confused!!

 

I did tell him that I have seen and do see other people. Nothing serious. No one has captured my attention. I made it known that in order to AVOID poor choices, I refrained from going out right after the divorce. He explained that he waited a long period of time after his D as well. He said we were very much alike in that respect. We both waited until we felt emotionally ready to handle a new relationship. I thought this was why he was pleased with my response - because it was so much like what he went through when he was divorced. I didn't see it as smug. Maybe I'm missing something here!

 

This relationship is not a PA. We have not discussed taking it to that level. I really don't feel that he wants to take it there. I certainly don't.

I think it is controllable due to the distance and limited time spent together. I really feel he is as confused about this situation as I am. I don't think he is a "player" nor do I think he expected these feelings he is having.

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NO. NO. No. I explained that I have been divorced several years and did not rush into a relationship right away. I did not want to make poor choices AT THAT TIME . The vulnerability was at the time of the divorce. I did say that I have since seen other people but no one in particular has captured my attention to any great degree.

 

You might want to reconsider whether you really arenit still vulnerable, and whether you are making poor choices at this time.

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This relationship is not a PA. We have not discussed taking it to that level. I really don't feel that he wants to take it there. I certainly don't.

I think it is controllable due to the distance and limited time spent together.

kirby,

Could I ask what this relationship is about, for you? I mean, given that you don't want it to progress to the natural "next level" of emotionally intimate relationships, what are you envisioning or hoping will be the ultimate outcome here?

 

I don't know. And it's not even that you need to respond here (of course.) But there is a part that comes across as if you're just messing around with him; having some fun as if he is like just like any other of the guys you're also seeing. "Nothing serious."

 

OTOH. What part of it is "controllable"; what makes you want or need it to be controlled; and who is, or will be, doing the controlling? And if that is just referring to sex, what about your heart? Or, is there some thought that withholding sex will, er, let's say influence him to leave his wife sooner than later (if ever)?

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To Ronni W

 

That is an excellent question: What is this relationship about for me.

 

I have to say that I love being around him, enjoy his manner and personality, and find him very attractive and highly intelligent. So, he is just the type of man with whom I could envision myself.

 

I have NOT conveyed these thoughts or feelings to him. He has been exceedingly more forthcoming about how he is feeling.

 

I think the reason I have been reserved is that I DON'T want it to progress to a sexual relationship while he is married. I genuinely believe he does not want this either. This is where the "controllable" issue comes into play. He has said he is controlling himself around me. I know that I will keep things on a non-sexual level. This is not to "influence" him about his M, it just is the way it has to be.

 

I guess that in my mind, I can retain the friendship without crossing that line.

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kirby,

Thanks for your honesty. If I'm reading it right, you've already fallen in love with him...have you? Maybe not to the point of self-admission but... ...nonetheless?

 

I don't know why but I just feel sad. For you, for him, for his wife. For ALL the people who are in relationships they ought not be, and who are not in the relationships they ought be. It's enough to break one's heart, isn't it? Or at least cause it a good ache.

And I haven't even been drinking :p

 

I do wish you well; that the only aching heart here will be mine.

I guess that in my mind, I can retain the friendship without crossing that line.

I do really hope that your mind is right about that. Cos once you cross that line...well, it'll just get even more effed-up, won't it?

 

Sending hugs and good stuff. I think I can't quite see a really happy outcome right now...but I do hope there is one, anyway.

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Ronni W

 

You are right. I have fallen in love with him. I have not expressed this to him. He has said to me that he is falling in love.

 

I think it's a self-protective mechanism on my part: If I'm the only one who knows how I feel about this, and I don't let anyone else in on the secret, then it's almost not real and I can't be hurt by it.

 

I just don't know how it got to this point! How do you go from a little innocent flirting to such intense emotional turmoil in less than 6 mos. I didn't even pay much attention to this guy when we first met. I did not set out to enter into a relationship with this man.

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes. I really do appreciate the support. It's a very devastating position to be in - when you truly do not wish to hurt or to be hurt. It's unavoidable

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Kirby -

Watch out for the 'I'm falling for you' line.

It really REALLY sucked me in.

 

Maybe the MM was making small talk, in a weird way.

'Why is a wonderful / beautiful/successful [insert any great adjective in here] woman like you STILL single'?? hmm ...

 

I know we have all heard this at one time or another before... but in my case, he knew that I was recently divorced (we started A when we were both married).

 

I think it is another line IMO.

 

Word of caution: These A's can really make you feel warm, loved, WANTED .... but if you guys have NOT done anything physical, Stop now. Stop now why you still can!

 

I really wish I could have.... if you think you are confused now, just wait. I would like to say it gets better - but it doesn't. Just messier ....

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Hugs, kirby.

I do understand where you are. I guess that's what made/makes me feel so sad. And I guess...also cos I know that you know that you can -- most likely will? -- be hurt by your "secret". Cos it's NOT any sort of secret to the part that counts the most...the ONLY part that really counts.

 

I do agree: emotional pain is unavoidable at this point. But you are still making decisions and choices about the situation; you haven't lost your power of free will. I know it can feel like that, but that feeling is inaccurate; a little (or a lot, sometimes) distorted.

 

That is. I know that you did not set out to enter into a relationship with him but you are, consciously and of free will, choosing to stay in it. It's going to hurt, either way. If you get out now or later. So, it's more like damage control, isn't it? How much you are going to hurt depends on when you'll decide to experience the hurt. And when, will determine how much to a great extent.

 

I hear that he is falling in love with you. At this point, no reason not to believe him about that. But it doesn't always translate into him being ready, sooner, later or ever, to chuck his marriage -- his wife, family, in-laws, social status, lifestyle, etc.

 

And even if we ignore his marital status. These boards of full of stories of good people getting hurt cos they fell in love with their friend who, for whatever reason, is not 100% emotionally, mentally, physically and/or spiritually available. It just hurts too much.

 

Take care of you, kirby. Don't get hurt too much; not more than is absolutely necessary.

Hugs.

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Ronni W--

 

Thank You. I truly appreciate your support and concern.

 

You are absolutely right that emotional pain is inevitable. I guess I feel that I can lessen it by not getting in too deep.

 

Let me explain why I feel that this man is not disingenuous about his feelings. This is an older (55+) man, has been married twice, no children with current W. He lives 3+ hours away and comes here about 2x/month.

He has always been very friendly and courteous, if not a bit shy. His concern is not to offend me in any way. I really feel that he is not a "player" and he did not expect to feel what he is feeling either. Maybe I'm misreading this, but I think that he, too, is in a state of confusion right now. Neither one of us saw this coming - and now, neither one of us knows what to do. BUT, - we BOTH know, what NOT to do!

 

I really feel that if I were to suggest becoming sexually intimate right now, which I definitely will NOT, he would say no. Crazy, huh?! I just KNOW that he does not want it to be like that. Maybe I'm giving him too much credit, but this is how I read him right now.

 

Thanks for listening - your insights are much appreciated.

 

---Kirby

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kirby,

That's just it -- I am not doubting your assessments about him (and his feelings and his confusion.) I'm not saying that he's just feeding you lines. I mean, he may or may not be but *I* certainly am in no position to form any opinion on that. OTOH, you are there with him, and I am accepting that what you're perceiving is accurate.

 

But this part here:

I guess I feel that I can lessen it by not getting in too deep.

That's more like (another) line that you are feeding YOURSELF, isn't it?

 

And I do not mean to be disrespectful or arrogant (though I get it's totally gonna go across that way :o) but...

Aren't you just fooling yourself into believing that, as long as you don't have sex with him and don't reveal your true feelings about him to him, then it's basically gonna be "okay" somehow? Then you can somehow minimize your own eventual pain?

 

Right now, yes. You both are still managing your sexual urges and impulses. But even if you don't verbalize your love feelings...well, your remaining four physical senses are still very much alive and active, yes? Not to mention that intuitive-heart sense that just knows, without any words, "I am in love with him." THAT'S really the one that is both a blessing and a curse.

 

I do get that you're in a scary and confused place. And that he may well be, too. It is an undesirable state of affairs for both of you.

 

I guess. It sounds as if you really do not enjoy the idea of getting into a full-blown affair with a married man. But. If you want to avoid that, then you will have to come clean with yourself. I guess, that's what I'm saying.

 

Otherwise, it is going to end up feeling like it somehow "happened to" you; as if you were/are powerless and helpless. You'll not only have become an 'other woman', but you'll also be one with low/no self-esteem, confidence or dignity. And then it'll suck even more and be even more painful. I think.

 

To me. If you're going there anyway -- why not just be an EMPOWERED 'other woman'?

In the end, that is what I'd hope for you. At least then you will be able to withstand whatever pain is coming your way just a little better. I said 'damage control' earlier, but maybe 'pain management' is more suitable?

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Ronni W--

 

Yes, I am trying to minimize my own pain by feeding lines to myself.

 

I KNOW that getting physical will only make a difficult situation that much more devastating. I can only imagine where I would be if we were intimate. So far, a little hugging and kissing has wreaked such havoc!

 

In my mind, I KNOW that the smart, less hurtful choice is to never see him again. Never take his calls. Never reply to his text messages. After all, this is a man that I basically did not know 6 months ago! It's insane.

 

The strange part is that this is so foreign to me. I have NEVER responded to flirtations/advances from any married men before. I didn't with him either... at first. This is just a place I did not go. This caught me off guard. It was slow and seemingly innocuous. I NEVER expected that he would speak to my heart the way he has! Of course, I have to take my responsibility in it as well. I did not have to respond. How I wish I had not!

 

But, I do find myself in this position. It's worrisome, it's scary, it's confusing, and it's exciting all at once!

 

I sometimes feel like I should share this with him. Then I think better of it, and let it go. I hope I am able to manage the inevitable pain that is on the horizon.

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After all, this is a man that I basically did not know 6 months ago!

Well, like that song from 'Hello Dolly' goes: It only takes a moment... :)

 

My closest experience to what you're experiencing is that that first 'thing' does happen TO one's self. It assaults the senses without any invitation...and after that one is basically ph.ukked! Huge, capital-lettered, lightning bolt, eff.u.see.kayed.

And yes, very delightful and delicious and can't-get-enough of it :love:

I sometimes feel like I should share this with him.
Did you mean you "should" or more that you DESIRE to because doing so *may* offer comfort or clarity or something that'll help to make sense of it? Cos for me, it was the latter -- my brain instinctively knew that I "should NOT" cos that would just sink me further into the quicksand...and I was already neck-deep!

 

It does help to write about it, too. I filled 3 of those old 3.5" floppy disks in a year - looking back, I don't know where I found the time to keep my job :laugh:

 

Feel free to PM me when you get access. More importantly, gather your support team IRL: find a therapist or spiritual mentor, join a support group -- codependent's anonymous is great just cos there's a lack of 'other women' groups, and AA doesn't really fit the bill...although addictive it can be!

 

Hugs and best.

R

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The strange part is that this is so foreign to me. I have NEVER responded to flirtations/advances from any married men before. I didn't with him either... at first. This is just a place I did not go. This caught me off guard. It was slow and seemingly innocuous. I NEVER expected that he would speak to my heart the way he has! Of course, I have to take my responsibility in it as well. I did not have to respond. How I wish I had not!

 

But, I do find myself in this position. It's worrisome, it's scary, it's confusing, and it's exciting all at once!

 

You are at such a crossroads right now. You wish you had not chosen to let him get to you now...you will wish that even more fervently the deeper you allow this to go.

 

Make no mistake - YOU have been making choices all along that have gotten you to this point. He didn't sneak in. You let what was presumably a business relationship become more friendly, and you continued to engage that way with him. You saw that you were starting to really look forward to talking to him, and you continued to do so with energy. You saw how deep you were getting, and you didn't stop it.

 

You have choices to make now. To continue, little by little, getting deeper. Or to walk away while you still can.

 

Married men used to be off-limits. Now, for you, it is getting closer to the time when you might decide he's not off-limits. Is that how you want to live your life? With another heartache looming closer and closer? What do you want out of life? This man? Or a man who can come to you with a whole heart and the freedom to pursue you openly and with passion?

 

I mentioned before that you might want to consider whether you are still vulnerable, and whether you are making bad choices because of it. A lot of people who would normally never give a married man a second thought, allow themselves to fall in love with one because they, subconsciously, choose unavailable men because an unavailable man isn't likely to ask you to give your all...because he can't give his all to the relationship. It's a sign you may not be ready for a full relationship, but want some part of one. In the end, it does more damage to your psyche and your heart. It's not worth whatever you're getting out of it right now. It just isn't.

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