The other woman from work

[Ulrika]

hi everybody. I am new on here but it seems the only place where i can open my heart safely and not being judged. I have been working with this man for a month, we are working in the same office, we have instantly madly liked eachother, very strong attraction but both we were with partners so we tried to control ourselves. My relationship was very wrong so I ended it without remorse but not to be with this new man.He had been in a relationship for 10 years though he is only 29 and he is engaged. We had sex once. That broke my heart somehow and left me with a huge guilt inside as I am afraid he wanted to show off and also I am worried he might tell people at work as I am the only woman working with another 4 men. He says that all he wants is to be with me, and we do enjoy our company a lot. He also says that he needs to trust me completely because if he leaves her he needs my full support and he needs to know that I'm there for him.I am desperate and I dont know what to do. I feel I made a mistake giving myself to him and I am afraid he might not do anything as in leaving that person although it seems pretty obvious he doesnt feel a lot for her. I also dont want to look like a fool in my coleagues eyes and i can only hope he will not say anything as I dont want to lose my job. I would apreciate all your advice.

[Adunaphel]

I think your only option is to be firm and strong... encourage him to make up his mind and take a decision, because you will be with him again only when and if he leaves his current relationship.

If you can do this, hard as it might be (expecially now that you already got physical), your colleagues might talk about you having slept with him, but they will see with their eyes that you are not allowing him to string you along. I think that people who stand their ground and are not up for being treated like fools always get some kind of respect, no matter who they slept with.

Good luck!

[Alpha Female]

hi everybody. I am new on here but it seems the only place where i can open my heart safely and not being judged.

 

Unforunately, you will be judged here. Every bitter BS will come out of the woodwork and try and minimize your affair (it makes them feel better about being cheated on somehow) and then you will be judged by the moralizing above God types.

 

I ignore them both, and I suggest you do the same.

 

Have you told this MM that if he leaves her, it should be for him, and not for you? He seems to want some guarantee from you, which is tough, so he sounds like hes skirting the fence.

 

Ultimately, your career seems more important to you than this R, so in that case, I would vote to walk from it for now. If he leaves her, it should be because shes the wrong woman for him, not because your waiting for him.

[Samantha0905]

hi everybody. I am new on here but it seems the only place where i can open my heart safely and not being judged. I have been working with this man for a month, we are working in the same office, we have instantly madly liked eachother, very strong attraction but both we were with partners so we tried to control ourselves. My relationship was very wrong so I ended it without remorse but not to be with this new man.He had been in a relationship for 10 years though he is only 29 and he is engaged. We had sex once. That broke my heart somehow and left me with a huge guilt inside as I am afraid he wanted to show off and also I am worried he might tell people at work as I am the only woman working with another 4 men. He says that all he wants is to be with me, and we do enjoy our company a lot. He also says that he needs to trust me completely because if he leaves her he needs my full support and he needs to know that I'm there for him.I am desperate and I dont know what to do. I feel I made a mistake giving myself to him and I am afraid he might not do anything as in leaving that person although it seems pretty obvious he doesnt feel a lot for her. I also dont want to look like a fool in my coleagues eyes and i can only hope he will not say anything as I dont want to lose my job. I would apreciate all your advice.

 

I wouldn't worry about looking like a fool. I'd stay away from him until he makes a decision and, hopefully, that decision won't be to get married. If he's not even married and having a fling while engaged, that can't bode well for the marriage.

 

Just tell him you would prefer to not see each other in that way until he is no longer with his fiance.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Samantha0905

[wheelwright]

There aren't many possibilities here. Either he is a good guy, shouldn't get married, second thoughts are real.

 

Or he is a bad guy. He knows he will marry, and is already happy to cheat. Real bad guy underlined.

 

And in the workplace, just hold your head high and don't give him reason for thoughts of more. Which will be hard. If you can't hack it, get a new job.

 

I am generally accepting of infidelity, but this guy is either bad or f***** up. So where to go?

 

Cheating might be bad, but considering infidelity days before your wedding. Well, a decent person would call it off.

[Lizzie60]

This could be devastating for you.... you work with this guy... from what I read.. you don't have a lot of colleagues.. only 4 guys.. this is tough..

 

Let's say that he leaves her for you, then it doesn't work out.. you still have to work with him...

 

Let's say that he doesn't leave her for you.. you still have to work with him...

 

Let's say that he strings you along.. for the 'hot' sex you two have.. but finally decide to marry her.. you still have to work with him..

 

Work and Love is never good..

 

Right now.. he's probably hesitating.. you or her.. with her.. it's 'secured'.. he's safe.. with you.. it's not secured.. he's scared that if he leaves the 'security' then it doesn't work out.. he loses her for good.. he doesn't want that..

 

If I were you.. I would stop seeing him and tell him... to work things out with her .. then to make a choice.. whether he wants to be with you.. but then again.. you're not signing a 25 year contract with him.. it could work and it might NOT work... you can't give him the 'guarantees' he wants.

[whichwayisup]

Unforunately, you will be judged here. Every bitter BS will come out of the woodwork and try and minimize your affair (it makes them feel better about being cheated on somehow) and then you will be judged by the moralizing above God types.

Most BS's have been supportive in replies with most OW on here. Was this comment really necessary? All it does is get people's back up and cause fighting.

 

Ulrika, I know you like this guy, he obviously likes you too, the problem is, he is engaged and even though he's telling you one thing, how do you it's the truth? While at work with you, there's a connection, and you two have taken it to the next level..Problem is, this guy is lying to his partner, his future wife.. Also working together is dangerous, your work reputation is at stake, and he's put alot on you - If he is going to leave, he should do it because he is ready to end his relationship/call off his engagement, not hop out of a long term relationship and pop quickly into another one.

 

They have history together, family and almost inlaws.. Do they live together? Did they buy a house together? If so, it's going to be really hard. Not only that, but if/when he ends it, he will have to deal with his fiance, her reaction, her pain, and the fallout.. Everything that he told you could change and he may chicken out, depending if he actually tries to end it.

 

You two spend alot of time together at work, people connect - It happens, it's just that HE shouldn't have allowed 'it' to happen because he isn't a free to man to pursue you.. Anyway, what's done is done - Be ready for anything to happen because it's out of your hands UNLESS you take control, end the A with him and tell him you'll only date him once things are officially over with his fiance and some time has gone by so he can sort himself out. To allow him to automatically run to you RIGHT after their break up is only going to cause you heartache and mistrust, plus it'll be an unhealthy relationship based on an affair setting. I hope this makes sense to you.

[Brady_to_Moss]

He leaves her for you..then when hes done with you he will leave you for someone else. If he cheats with his SO on you...you will most likley be cheated on as well.

[Virgo1982]

Have you told this MM that if he leaves her, it should be for him, and not for you? He seems to want some guarantee from you, which is tough, so he sounds like hes skirting the fence.

 

Important question. Depending on what type of man he is, you'll receive all sorts of emotional blackmail in the future including, "I could have stayed with __________."

 

A person who wants to divorce should have exhausted every possibility and made every plea to their partner. A person who is leaving just for the sake of infatuation is going to leave you too.

[Ulrika]

It is bad. Worse than I thought maybe. They bought a house 7 years ago, moved in together, but he said he'd had about 20-30 girls since. So something is very wrong there. I have seen a pic of her she is very beautiful and he seems pretty shocked and confused that I can talk abut her so detached admitting her intelligence and beauty. The environment we work is pretty tough is a male environment, a concrete yard so the people that work there are ordinary men, who dont like this person in particular and they would like me to take over and things have been said. Also after we had sex he told me that he would leave this job because i care about my image and the job dosnt really suit him as he likes to work in a proper office in a nice suit not dirty. I am very suspicious and i cant trust him, but he keeps begging me to promise that I will be only his and belong only to him and that he needs to trust me. The moment I had sex with him i bitterly regretted. I couldnt turn back the moments. And before he left I asked him what he wants and why cant he leave her now and tell her the truth. and he said that its the family, that they have been together for so many years and the families...and the complications. So he was with me, we only went out once, visited some art galleries and then we had sex, and whilst he was with me she was ringing him and ringing and he couldnt be bothered. He just txted her back he was in a pub with some friends which she checked and found out that those friends weere actually on internet on face book and they didnt know who he was. And I sitting next to him amazed by his gut to lie like that. it didnt make feel any special.Any way, the problem is that tomorrow morning i go to work and I will see him, and I must find a way i can smile professionally , god, keep that smile alive, and find the right words for him.If I could only hide away the shame, the guilt, the embarassment for sleeping with him...for being so weak..

[whichwayisup]

This guy told you he's been with 20-30 other women since moving in with his girlfriend/fiance.. He's either a serial cheater or totally full of sh.it!!! Reguardless, this guy is bad news. I also call BS (bullcrap) on him telling you he'll leave his job.

 

So, look how easily he lies to his so called future wife..Glad you noticed that as since he's done this to her, he WILL do it to you.

 

Be nice, be professional, stay detached, focus on WORK stuff. If he tries to be flirty, don't react to it.

[Ulrika]

Oh yes, I did tell him that if he left her it should be for him, not for me, and he said he coldnt bear being on his own and he needs to know that Im there for him, to support him which I wasnt very comfortable with but I just didnt give it another thought but now, here we are it comes again into my mind. I also told him that when i split up with my ex, which he knew of because I was sharing my problems with him, i didnt do it for him, but he didnt seem to react because he said nothing.

[Virgo1982]

No doubt she has a clue of his ways and wants to marry him. Ugh! 20-30 girls

 

Anywho, this is more complicated because you work together and I believe his character calls for manipulation and revenge. You may have to face your actions and let the smoke clear or string him along until he finds another job. However, he could still let the cat out of the bag. Sticky situation...

[Lizzie60]

I agree... he will lie and lie through his teeth.. he has no intention of leaving her.. he's already been with 20-30 girls.. you,re just one more.

 

Just smile and ignore him for most of the time... if you can.. DO NOT sleep with him anymore...

 

He wants you to only sleep with him.. because he's afraid of STDs.. not because he wants you for himself.. don't fool yourself..

 

These guys want exclusivity because they're scared of diseases.. he's a player.. and you might not be the only one either.. he might have other OWs,.. just move on.. and if he asks you what's wrong.. tell him that you met someone... end of story..

[Brady_to_Moss]

20-30? WOW. This guy sucks!! Cut all ties with him. You go with him and before you know it its 20-30 girls in the first year of being with him. What a loser.

[whichwayisup]

Oh yes, I did tell him that if he left her it should be for him, not for me, and he said he coldnt bear being on his own and he needs to know that Im there for him, to support him which I wasnt very comfortable with but I just didnt give it another thought but now, here we are it comes again into my mind. I also told him that when i split up with my ex, which he knew of because I was sharing my problems with him, i didnt do it for him, but he didnt seem to react because he said nothing.

 

And there's your reason WHY he won't leave. And why IF he does leave, you cannot 'be there' for him. He has friends, family to offer him support.

 

Ulrika, this guy is a JERK, a player and you need to get away from him. Have you thought about looking elsewhere for a job? Not saying you have to quit, but by looking, who knows you might find something better. Or ask for a transfer?

[Virgo1982]

IDK if he's afraid of STDs. I mean 20-30 girls... The odds are stacked against him. I do not feel pity for his fiance, but she better snap out of it. Nothing sucks more than receiving a disease from a partner you were faithful to. I would make the world news headlines.

[whichwayisup]

I do not feel pity for his fiance, but she better snap out of it.

 

Chances are, she has no clue. These types of guys are GOOD at lying and deceiving..

[Ulrika]

just reading these lines makes my head spin motionless. I hope I havent messed up everything and I havent jeopardized my image at work.I would be devasted.I can only be so grateful for all the wise words and the help I got here. What have I thought of???? He calles me his soulmate, the perfect person he wants to spend his life with , to get married, to have children, and he goes again on me beeing only his. I think I wanted to belive in soemthing I knew it wasnt there.

Because I know him a little, I am sure he will try his seduction again maybe tomorrow, trying to ask me to go out for a meal, or whatever, or try to get close to me physically and I DONT WANT that, I am not sure now that I want him at all in my life...

[Lizzie60]

IDK if he's afraid of STDs. I mean 20-30 girls... The odds are stacked against him. I do not feel pity for his fiance, but she better snap out of it. Nothing sucks more than receiving a disease from a partner you were faithful to. I would make the world news headlines.

 

 

I feel the guy is 'fresh'.. .methink it's more like 2-3 girls..

 

He's a manipulator.. and a very good liar... so he probably asks for exclusivity.. and most probable, the women fall for him.. and are exclusive..

 

OP.. have you used a condom? just curous

[whichwayisup]

Look, he is just as responsible too! You own your part in this, he has to own his.. If others find out, why would it just be you in trouble?

 

Don't allow him to suck you back in with his lines. He may try his hardest, so don't cave.

 

And the next time he tells you the soulmate thing, etc etc.. laugh at him. I bet he's said the same thing to his fiance.

 

RUN from this guy.

[Lizzie60]

just reading these lines makes my head spin motionless. I hope I havent messed up everything and I havent jeopardized my image at work.I would be devasted.I can only be so grateful for all the wise words and the help I got here. What have I thought of???? He calles me his soulmate, the perfect person he wants to spend his life with , to get married, to have children, and he goes again on me beeing only his. I think I wanted to belive in soemthing I knew it wasnt there.

Because I know him a little, I am sure he will try his seduction again maybe tomorrow, trying to ask me to go out for a meal, or whatever, or try to get close to me physically and I DONT WANT that, I am not sure now that I want him at all in my life...

 

 

Hum... methink you're not too solid yourself..

You need to stand for yourself girl..

[Ulrika]

It is hard what you saying, I dont want to lose this job, as I have alway worked in similar environments and I am good at selling and woking with people, I just love to work with them makes me feel that I achieve something,also the boss has got a lot of hope in me, and even last friday when i finished he said that he might get rid of X. because people dont love him as he doesnt put a lot of effort in and that made me think..I have been absolutely terrified after we had sex thinking that he might use that against me to make lme ose my job and maybe he felt threatned by me being there.There are tricky card to play and Im not sure what I got involved into.

[Ulrika]

ok, to make me look even better than a loser, i havent used condom. They were lying next to me loads. As if it didnt matter. Or as if I didnt matter. Or what i was doing didnt matter. Women do fall for him, he is alway but always txting at work, and his face book is filled with girls. loads and loads. And not to forget that he never calls me, so he goes home he is with her but he keeps txting me ALL EVENING till 11 oclock or similar. he cant stop, and he tells me how he hates himslef because he has to live there, and he cant bare not being with me, so this is how he kept me ''high'' with words, with txts with his sweetness and promisses

[whichwayisup]

ok, to make me look even better than a loser, i havent used condom. They were lying next to me loads. As if it didnt matter. Or as if I didnt matter. Or what i was doing didnt matter.

 

Sorry to be abit harsh here, but take some responsibility for yourself here, don't put it all on him. You could have told him to wear a condom.. You aren't a loser, and you DO matter, I just wish you had more self confidence and faith in yourself.

 

Now you know this guy is a jerk, a player and is in it for himself.