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My Love Pyramid?


lovebeatlegirl

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lovebeatlegirl

:confused: Um, this sort of topic came up with my boyfriend that I'm in a long-distance relationship with (as of now) when he mentioned another girl that he said could fit into our relationship. He says she isn't a lesbian but she's willing to be one of his "girls". My bf is quite older and says that since he has more age to him, he wanted to have something "new" in his sex life.

 

I'm really quite confused... As I'm an open-minded girl, he could tell me anything, and I'd willing to understand it.

 

The thing is, he kept telling to accept it. And that if I don't, I'll be out of the "group".

 

I'm really not comfortable with this relationship concept that my bf introduced to me. And just last night did I find out that after one year of us not being together, he actually fncked this girl just the previous night. I knew something wasn't quite right because he didn't call me the whole day, even after leaving him a message saying that he must be up to something - like cheating on me.

 

What really hurts me was that for all this time that I've known him - for years - that he said that he's no cheater. Though he mentioned that he sometimes had casual sex with some women he knew (when we weren't really anything serious). Then I find out that he's been sexing up this other girl and tells me that the physical actions don't overcome the emotional AND mental connection that he and I have. Like I'm supposed to accept that after he has cheated? on me and that I have to "accept" this relationship.

 

I know practically nothing (yet) about this girl... All I know is that she's in his area and to MY conclusion, she probably is a "friends with benefits" type of gal with him... and my bf probably has some sexual attraction with this girl and gets along with her... he mentions her oh-so-casually.

 

My question is, what is your conclusion? I really don't know what to think of it. I'm so confused. Do I let this other girl in or just wait for my bf to possibly kick her off?

 

Should I accept this pyramid of love or just be the "other girl" if I'm not having a relationship that includes me having to accept someone else?

 

:( I hope I made sense. I'm really confused!

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jennie-jennie

I understand you are feeling confused. I wouldn't like it at all if my boyfriend came up with something like that.

 

I do have friends, male and female, who seem to think that the older you get the more you have to spice up your sex life introducing for example BDSM and/or multiple partners. I am of quite the opposite view. I was young during the free sex wave and have BTDT. Now being middle age I find that intimacy is what is most important to me, intimacy with an exclusive partner.

 

Long-distance is not an excuse either for having sex with someone else. There is the telephone and the webcam to overcome that. BTDT too.

 

You need to sit down and think about what holds true for you. What kind of sex life are you willing to accept? This is a very important aspect of your emotional life, and you should not be pushed into doing or accepting anything you do not appreciate.

 

I have this male friend, everything is right about him, except his view on sex. This means he is not a possible match for me. That is how important this is to me.

 

Take care!

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Should I accept this pyramid of love or just be the "other girl" if I'm not having a relationship that includes me having to accept someone else?

 

Can you handle it? Sharing him? I know if I were in your shoes, there's no way I could.

 

JJ is right, you need to decide what's best for you.. Even if you love this guy, alot, it may not be enough. He isn't or can't offer you what you want long term, and if he wants other women involved in the relationship, then it's up to you to take control and let HIM know that if he wants others, he loses you. Are you willing to walk away?

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lovebeatlegirl

For me, I think I'd rather be in an exclusive relationship without the extras. Although, I'm open about having threesomes once in a while...

 

I think the thing that is bothering me is that to me, this new girl is taking up the space and emotional connectivity that he and I has.. My bf is pretty wild with all the sex activities he has conjured up... and while I only add to it. I guess if I really do love him enough, and I accept this new "discovery" of his that he wants to take up in his-- our sex life, I might as well try it out.

 

He pretty tied up all the knots saying that no one else can take what he and I has - not a single person in the world, and that I should know that....

 

Maybe I just have to think it over, I dunno....

 

(Also, I'm still pretty hurt that he let me know that he already had sex with her after he asked me if I would be willing to have the "love pyramid")

 

I think he may have tried manipulating me too because he tried scaring me thinking I'd lose him if I did not accept his new addition to his/our sex life.

 

Actually, he was thinking that all of us can share one bed.... *shrugs*

 

And another thing - I told him we're only at "friends" level now. I will see what he will say later.. I still consider him my bf because we always get back together again anyway.

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The thing is, he kept telling to accept it. And that if I don't, I'll be out of the "group".

 

Think about this. Really think about this. Open relationships/threesomes/sharing/etc that are healthy, all stem from similar opinions and non-coerced consent on all sides.

 

If this doesn't sound like coercion to you, I don't know what does.

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jennie-jennie
For me, I think I'd rather be in an exclusive relationship without the extras. Although, I'm open about having threesomes once in a while...

 

I think the thing that is bothering me is that to me, this new girl is taking up the space and emotional connectivity that he and I has.. My bf is pretty wild with all the sex activities he has conjured up... and while I only add to it. I guess if I really do love him enough, and I accept this new "discovery" of his that he wants to take up in his-- our sex life, I might as well try it out.

 

He pretty tied up all the knots saying that no one else can take what he and I has - not a single person in the world, and that I should know that....

 

Maybe I just have to think it over, I dunno....

 

(Also, I'm still pretty hurt that he let me know that he already had sex with her after he asked me if I would be willing to have the "love pyramid")

 

I think he may have tried manipulating me too because he tried scaring me thinking I'd lose him if I did not accept his new addition to his/our sex life.

 

Actually, he was thinking that all of us can share one bed.... *shrugs*

 

And another thing - I told him we're only at "friends" level now. I will see what he will say later.. I still consider him my bf because we always get back together again anyway.

 

I am interested in what is in his center of focus. You or his sex life? What is most important? That you and he stay together or that he has the kind of sex life that he wants?

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lovebeatlegirl

He can be pretty manipulative.

 

Now he is saying that he wants her mentally - not emotionally OR for sex... bullsh#t!

 

He was comparing me to her, how she's an educated girl and that she has an open-mind.

 

I will see what this is all about when (or IF) I go visit him.... he can blow things out of proportion sometimes. Or is it me that's imagining things?

 

And I'm not sure how anyone can just "agree" to having this type of relationship... and oh yeah, I asked him again if he F%cked her, and he said "I don't _____ anybody." :rolleyes: Oh, and is she anybody? He keeps putting it off and saying that I'm jealous! Agh! What does he expect from me....

 

He said that there are lots of him to go around :rolleyes:

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Oh boy.

 

So he wants you to be open to swinging? And he asks you after he tells you hes already cheated with someone? And how hes telling you how they connect and how great she is?

 

I agree with Elyswth. People who swing are into the lifestyle on their own. Not because some controlling long distance boyfriend starts manipulating and gaming you.

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LucreziaBorgia

He is making her his primary. If that is not something you can handle, you may want to consider walking away.

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The thing is, he kept telling to accept it. And that if I don't, I'll be out of the "group".

 

WTF. You're not his GF...you're part of a harem.

Message was pretty clear...my way or the highway.

 

My question is, what is your conclusion?

 

My conclusion is your bf is a douche bag azzhole. Find another.

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Well, since he likes this whole pyramid idea, tell him you want one too.. after all, a pyramid's base has FOUR corners, not three. Tell him that if he expects you to share a bed with him and his other girlfriend, then he had better be prepared to share the bed with you and your other boyfriend. *shrug* after all, women are much more likely to be multiply orgasmic, so there is more of you to go around than there is of him.

 

If he really cares for you, he may see the error of his ways.. if not, you can choose to continue in a relationship where he can do whatever he wants whether you like it or not, and if you don't he will just boot you out for someone who will, or you can choose to walk away and seek what will make YOU happy.

 

Either way, good luck!!

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Jennie, love your response!

 

Most men have the two-woman in my bed fantasy. If you are okay with it, fine!

 

But most cannot handle the two men in my bed fantasy. Watch his face fall at the suggestion.

 

hey, what is good for the gander, is good for the goose, too! It is 2009!

 

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you suggest it! Make sure your new "boyfriend" is educated, wealthy, young, with a hot body.

 

If he truly cares for you, no...he will not be able to abide by that. Men don't ever share women they truly care about, IMHO.

 

Good luck with this one.

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What a screwed up relationship.

 

Are you okay with him screwing multiple women all the while filling your head with crap that only YOU is who is emotionally involved with?

 

You believe this??

 

Is it because you value yourself so little you are willing to accept this type of relationship? Do you want a monogomous relationship or are you willing to settle for being 2nd or 3rd or whatever in HIS priority list?

 

Are you really okay with this or are you just saying you are because you don't want to lose him?

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The thing is, he kept telling to accept it. And that if I don't, I'll be out of the "group".

 

Identification: Dip**** narcissistic jerk. Situation analysis: You can do much better. Recommendation: Abort mission.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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lovebeatlegirl

Well, people, I've spoken to her last nite on the phone. {I still have not visited them/him} I might, soon...

 

She ... uhh, wanted to "speak" to me. So, I obliged with talking to the girl "my man" wanted to choose for "us"...

 

From my perspective, she sounded like an airhead from outerspace willing to accept anything that anyone told her to.

 

Heck, I played along and told her to do stuff to my man. She did it, accordingly, while I listened on the phone. (I wanted to see if they were foreal).

 

Anyway, my bf really seems to like her and is getting along fine with her from what I heard on the phone. He thinks that *I'll* get along with her fine, too. That he's so "positive" about it. I wrote my bf a letter / mail telling him of my feelings and that I'll still accept him and be his friend, no matter what.

 

Right now, I just think the relationship has been split into two parts. And he joked with me that this girl had "won the lottery" and she got 40% of the share of him with me... Sigh.

 

He made her sound as if though she's very "open-minded" and cultured, and may I add "worldly" that she's been in and around places and things, that she knows what she's doing.

 

Of course, when I was speaking to her, she was very open about herself, and SO submissive. I'm thinking she was exactly what my bf was looking for to add to his (sigh) ..harem.

 

I believe so, that it's cheating if he had not told me of this person before he had done things with her and if I did not accept any "pyramid relationship". He refuses to call it that, so, thus, he makes me "accept" it, or else, no him.

 

I got angry, too, when I asked her things, and she gave me answers MY BF would tell me and had already told me - like she had no mind of her own except to repeat anything what my bf tells her to.

 

To make it clear, neither of them consider each other as bf/gf... I'm still thinking "friends with benefits" and that I'm welcome to join them -.-

 

---

 

Oh ya, about having A GUY come into the picture, he was welcoming about that -.- like it was no big deal to him. Maybe this is all just fun for him...

 

Anyway, I will still need to see how this is in person. It's like I'm feeling like I want to open up a bottle of poison just to see how toxic it is. I'm ready..

 

I'm feeling mad/angry/engaged/mind-pulled/heart-broken/tears flowing.

 

I am jealous now, too, when I found out that they've been sharing the same bed for sleepovers, and they've only known each other for one month.

 

---

 

Yes, leaving this messed up relationship IS an option for me. He did say I'm either "in" or I'm "out". I'm willing to investigate on this one.

 

I'm just not inspired to look elsewhere for my new boyfriend in life..

 

 

Also, this is new for him, too... or so I think. He doesn't know how the hell to explain it to me, except that he's using my age as an inferior reason for my not understanding this. Is it because I'm young? NO, it's because I'm not ready nor was I in on this decision.

 

I will see how this one goes for me, guys and girls... I might actually get my way with either accepting this girl or getting her kicked off MY pyramid.

 

 

I'm still confused, but I'm willing to settle this on my own time in my mind and see what I really want from it or him. If he wants to play a game with me, I'll let him play, alright. We'll see how 3 players can play a 2-player card trick.

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jennie-jennie

Lovebeatlegirl, it does make me sad to read your post. I do wish you would consider ending this relationship for good. This man does not understand what love is.

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lovebeatlegirl

:( He said that I shouldn't be jealous.

 

Also, he made it seem like my jealousy is wrong...

 

I do not wanna lose him, but he says if I leave, she gets to have him.

 

I've had 2 bad dreams about this already:

 

1- That my bf was dead, and me and the other girl were in a restaurant discussing our jealous feelings with each other.

 

2- Recently, another dream was me finding her MySpace, then after I called my bf and lashed out at him, he decided not to speak to me anymore.

 

How he re-acted when I told him of my dreams:

 

1- He thought that after he died, that she and I would become good friends.

 

2- He said that only I could make him not talk to me anymore.

 

 

:( I'm still confused up to now, and I can't make a direct decision whether to leave him (because I CAN'T, even though we're miles away, the connection is still there), or to keep up with this bull***** and live with this everyday pain of knowing he could be doing something with her at this very moment and I just have to "accept" it.

 

He does not consider any of my feelings or emotions, saying that they do not make sense. I tried shutting them off, but they just keep re-arising.

 

I wonder if I directly talk to this other girl, maybe she would see my side of it, and maybe it will give me some peace of mind knowing what would be the good of all three of us.

 

I'd gladly renounce my feelings for this man, if this other person tells me some additional information that was not available to me before: ie. telling me if they ever had romantic feelings with each other or are just fooling around cuz they have nothing else better to do..

 

I'm still going to see my bf sometime soon. I hope I really am ready to see what happens..

 

(Sorry if me staying with him is irrational, but I want to work something out.)

 

(Also, I found her myspace/facebook. I added her, and I'm thinking she could fill in some information that can maybe alleviate me from this pain.)

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jennie-jennie

The other girl does know of you, does she not? In that case, I would say you can message her and talk to her. Just don't expect her to back off, she is not going to do that in my opinion. She might however fill you in with what is going on between them, and perhaps the additional information will help you decide how to handle things.

 

Sorry, you are hurting. Your emotions are perfectly natural for the situation you are in. Don't let your boyfriend tell you otherwise.

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lovebeatlegirl

Yes, Jennie.

 

She knows of me, and last night, she and I chatted for a good two hours - where I got my chance to ask her any questions I had in mind.

 

Plus, also, my bf wants her and I to be friends... He thinks it's possible.

 

She is practically "okay" with everything -- very accepting to the point where my bf is viewing her as the "cool" one while I'm the unaccepting, uptight one.. He says only I can make him not want me.

 

I have let my feelings out. All that is happening is nothing. He said that nothing's going to change. I have no control of anything.

 

She is just laid back and is going with the flow.

 

She says she's not even "a little bit" jealous anymore.

 

She does not love him. I do. I'm not sure how he feels. He plays with me.

 

 

My problem is,

 

I really think he is "the one" for me. For years, I have been thinking, believing, knowing this. I have not stopped - only temporarily or when numb.

 

She even knows I LOVE him to the point of obsession.

 

I have not done my boyfriend ANY WRONG - I am sure of that.

 

Anyway, I meet him/them in two weeks. I hope all goes well.

 

I wish I could stop suffering and actually see clear waters.

 

 

PS. Now he considers her his girlfriend and she considers herself his girlfriend. It's starting to look like I'm the one trying to pull away or pull apart. They "accept" me - I don't accept them. I still consider him cheating on me when he does sexual acts with her. I thought I was the "only one". I really hope there will be an end to this where I can finally find comfort, security, and safety for my well-being and the health of my feelings.

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Yes, Jennie.

 

She knows of me, and last night, she and I chatted for a good two hours - where I got my chance to ask her any questions I had in mind.

 

Plus, also, my bf wants her and I to be friends... He thinks it's possible.

 

She is practically "okay" with everything -- very accepting to the point where my bf is viewing her as the "cool" one while I'm the unaccepting, uptight one.. He says only I can make him not want me.

 

I have let my feelings out. All that is happening is nothing. He said that nothing's going to change. I have no control of anything.

 

She is just laid back and is going with the flow.

 

She says she's not even "a little bit" jealous anymore.

 

She does not love him. I do. I'm not sure how he feels. He plays with me.

 

 

My problem is,

 

I really think he is "the one" for me. For years, I have been thinking, believing, knowing this. I have not stopped - only temporarily or when numb.

 

She even knows I LOVE him to the point of obsession.

 

I have not done my boyfriend ANY WRONG - I am sure of that.

 

Anyway, I meet him/them in two weeks. I hope all goes well.

 

I wish I could stop suffering and actually see clear waters.

 

 

PS. Now he considers her his girlfriend and she considers herself his girlfriend. It's starting to look like I'm the one trying to pull away or pull apart. They "accept" me - I don't accept them. I still consider him cheating on me when he does sexual acts with her. I thought I was the "only one". I really hope there will be an end to this where I can finally find comfort, security, and safety for my well-being and the health of my feelings.

 

He isn't the one for you.

 

He doesn't love you.

 

He is having SEX with another girl.

 

DUMP him. You do not need this in your life.

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jennie-jennie

I feel so sad for you. It must be very hard considering that you still feel that you love him.

 

He is treating you very badly. He just is not worthy of your love. I do hope you find the strength to pull away. At least make sure you do not agree to doing anything you will regret later. You should not let him push you into doing any kind of sexual act you don't want to participate in. It is not worth it.

 

((((lovebeatlegirl))))

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lovebeatlegirl

:) Thanks, Jennie.

 

Yes, I do feel that I love him.

 

Fooled, I wish I could believe that. It's just not easy for me. I always get back to my frame of mind that the is "the one" that will ever make me feel the way he does and he and I just have a unique relationship that differs from the rest of my friends.

 

To him and to her, they think they are doing me a favour, actually. I'm somewhat younger than this other girl and she's supposed to be my "role-model" all of a sudden. His idea. He thinks she can actually help me get my life started with whatever - like a big sister to me...

 

He tells me that we are ALL friends who get "friendly" in the bedroom.

 

She is TOTALLY okay with this! I have told her in a long message how I feel about my bf, how I love him, but, pathetically, she just tells me she isn't going away and that I'm young, and if I were older, I'd be more open to it.

 

My bf tells me he doesn't want her to go away and that it will be her decision to leave (if) she wants to. Whoever stays the longest gets to have him to herself. I know if I'm able to put up with this buillshiit, I'll be the one staying the longest, and I have been by his side for years.

 

I guess, really, my true wish is to reverse all this. I don't know how this came about. My bf knew I was really open to many things, but this was his decision & idea on his own. It's like I'm being tied down with my feet with my head above cold water. Sometimes, I feel numb. Sometimes, I just cry.

 

 

Also, about the sex thing, she's really, REALLY open to anything... Wow. She's not at all shy, either. I am extremely the opposite! I'm a prude!

 

He and her will be going to do it on the bed that we will sleep in. He thinks he can get both of us at the same time...

 

I just don't know this other girl very well, and as of now, I really don't like her OR trust her in any way. She seems very boring and undelightful.

 

But they are friends minus the love. My bf and I possibly have that except we have a stronger connection. I feel like I need to trust him on this.

 

It's just so hard. Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes, I just break down and cry and wonder why it has to be so... but I have no control.

 

 

I REALLY don't know if this is just a mental obstacle I have to go through or maybe it won't be so bad if I get to experience this in person....

 

But right now, I feel as though I am in competition with this other girl. I don't know what she wants from him if she doesn't even love! him OR feel the same way as I do with him. As far as I know, she just likes his personality and his attraction to her.

 

 

Truthfully, I feel more alone than ever. I felt as though my best friend IN THE WORLD has been brainwashed by this gal. I feel so left alone!

 

He does not understand or want to because he thinks he knows best.

 

:( :( :( :(

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jennie-jennie

Love is intimacy. When you are a couple you should only have to go as far in the bedroom as you feel comfortable with. In the centre is your love for each other. From there you explore your sex life together. If one person says stop, it is stop, because the focus is on intimacy and love, not a certain type of sex.

 

This is how I see it. The older I get the more important intimacy is. Intimacy with one person.

 

I was young during the free sex wave of the 70s, so I have done all the wild stuff. But today I value intimacy more than anything else.

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Whoever stays longest gets to keep him? How can you predict the outcome?

 

If he's willing to set aside your feelings now, and cry, "you're just young, get onboard", whats to stop him in the future?

 

Maybe if you stay the longest, you'll grow up and decide that you don't want to keep him.

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lovebeatlegirl

Thanks, Frozen.

 

I know this isn't how it should be. Love should be free. With respect for both ways.

 

I'm the one who's being accepting and trying to be understanding of it all.

 

My guy is really immature, like a kid, but I accept him....

 

Lately, I've been researching this term called "polyamory" - I guess it could be like that except, right now, he's being one-sided. He jokingly calls us his "property" and that we aren't allowed to go out with anyone, and why should we?

 

Anyway, this other girl is very accepting of him, too, that she accepts US being together. He now considers us both his girlfriends and he's really been speaking fondly of this other girl of his....

 

I have been feeling more numb to this lately.

 

The intimacy that I thought he and I only had in the world for me and him has now cheapened by the fact that he is also doing that with someone who doesn't even love him at all.

 

I heard in a video that men would most likely lean towards a friends with benefits gal who has no intentions of marrying. She does not think she will marry him or have any kids with him. I have. I had these thoughts with him from the very start, but, that's also not necessary. Having him is enough.

 

Sharing him? I guess it really did hurt knowing I will have to, but now, I'm just feeling nothing at all. I guess I am getting used to it. I'm all numb now and saying "okay" to everything he says....

 

He told me again and over and over again, I should NOT be jealous OR hurt. I have been trying to diminish those feelings for the sake of mine and his.

 

Even though they are dormant now and sometimes, I feel they surface here and there which is only giving me practice to drown them again.

 

I really love my bf... I know I should love myself more, too, for myself not to get hurt like this. But, I will go with the saying, "Set him free, and if he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be".

 

I am not sure yet if I really do accept this type of relationship fully. I think it is called an "alternative lifestyle"... I am afraid of STDs and not getting enough attention and my needs not being met and being jealous....

 

I don't know the intention of this other girl if she really does want him and is just waiting for me to leave, as I am hoping SHE WOULD, though it would make my bf sad thinking he'd lose someone as valuable as the friendship he found in her, and it would be the same with me for him.

 

He is REALLY selfish for doing this but he says he is willing to make it work out.

 

I guess I will have to experiment. In 10 days, I will know what will happen.

 

What upset me today - kinda - is that he says he doesn't care if he and I do it -- because he gets to do it with her anyways and they are BOTH content with that! Me being away for like a year now may be at fault for his messing around. Plus I really hate how this other girl is so okay with this! She speaks to me like nothing is going on and everything is normal!

 

What am *I* supposed to do when they decide to do it in our bedroom ??? He told me I can watch and she's okay with that! He told me he can both do us at the same time! I am SO grossed by that!!! Or am I just supposed to ignore it all? Block out the noises and not come into the bedroom for a full hour until they both stop? Am I supposed to just sleep on the sheets they had both just done it on? Arghh! She's okay watching us, too! Gosh, it's driving me mad! :mad:

 

I am thinking that there may be possibilities of the outcome of this:

 

A- I go there, live with it, I get used to it and happily ever after.

B- I go there, it's unacceptable for me, and I leave, HAPPILY!

C- I go there, my bf focuses more on me, and she leaves!

D- I go there, the other girl really gets tired of him, she gives up.

E- I go there, my bf decides he likes her more, and we stay friends, and I get set free and look for my next future bf in life. The end.

 

Right now, the main thing that is atop of my insecurities is the sex part. I just wish she really is clean and they won't mess up the sheets and hopefully she doesn't scream too loud! It will drive me mad, I know it!

 

:( I'm having really bad anxiety attacks and my mind can't focus on anything else other than this topic. It's really unhealthy, but I'm counting on finding out the truth when I meet with my bf again. Maybe I might not even feel the same love I've had for him these years once I've touched the truth. Either way, I will always be friends with him.... But evilly, I really do wish she is just temporary as he once or a few times had said to me.

 

I think he knows no one else would stay with his crap as much I have.

 

:lmao: I will be so happy when she starts unaccepting him. O' happy days!

 

-gone crazy-



 

 





Thank you for all the replies. I think this needs sometime for me work out and see through. If only there was magic for this to stop. My emotions just keep flooding in. Thank you again for letting me see the other light of the tunnel.
:( This is just so tough when I really don't want to let go of my bestfriend/boyfriend and leave him to someone else who does not care for him as I do. My bf knows how I feel about him. I think he may be confused himself. I don't know. I will see. Something needs to settle down. It ain't me until I've found the truth and accept it as it is. I will see. :/ *sigh*

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