He's back.... Crap.

[beachbabyblues]

Just like nothing ever happened. He appears after 3 months NC. (my doing) Shows back up in my life. Now the e-mails start again. No substance to his writing, just the regular I miss you, I love you... all words no action crap. Now I've got him stuck in my headspace... it is a complete mind-f@ck.

 

I am a MW he is a MM. Yes, I want him. But not like this. I have told him that I will not see him any more "this way". He knows how I feel. He offers me nothing, no hope. We have not had physical contact for over 1 year. What do I do? Tell him again? Go NC again... can he really be this so disrespectful? Ego-maniac? I am an otherwise intelligent woman who would in the past been the first person to tell another woman the right thing to do. Kick his sorry a** to the curb. OMG, what is wrong with me.

Don't Hold Back,,, I need to hear it this morning... thank you.

[jj33]

Oh my I lived through that for several years (with LC and the occasional lets try again blah blah blah)

 

The only answer is to ignore the emails. Block his address.

 

If he had something important to say then hed say it and the ONLY important thing he can have to say to you is my divorce became official on [fill in date here].

 

Short of that its just code for "still married still married still married".

 

Sorry you are going through this. It rips open the healing process. Try not to let it get you down.

[beachbabyblues]

Right now the emotion I feel is mixed. I'm pissed off this morning at him because I had a "date" night planned with my H last night. And instead of being present (mentally) and really enjoying the moment with him and friends, I was far and away with "Him"

Do you think affairs have the same impact on MM? Or do they just go about their lives and compartmentalize us?

Thanks for your words... very kind of you.

[MaureyL]

Yeah, I think M people use affairs as a way of escaping unhappy relationships or perhaps just unhappy moments in their primary relationships. I'm sure that he is feeling much the same way as you. The thing to really ask yourself is... is he willing to change his situation? As you say that he has just surfaced acting "as if nothing had changed" makes me think he wants more of the same, exactly as it was before. Been there, done that, right???

 

I also think it is rather mean, as I'm guessing he knows that you are trying to repair things with your husband. I have been tempted strongly to initiate contact with my old AP from time to time but one of the reasons why I have stopped myself is the fact that no matter what he says to me about us now "being friends" and "we can just talk about school and be in more contact with emails, etc" there is no way to be in touch with him and not interfere with the relationship he is trying to repair with his girlfriend. And if I REALLY love him, why would I want to damage things any further between them, as it is clear that he has chosen that relationship to try and work on?

 

I'm sure that your AP knows this too on some level and is deliberately trying to mess up things between you and your husband. It is selfish and needy on his part. If he came to you saying it is all over with his wife, he's moved out, etc... but it doesn't sound like that. Run away!!!!

 

x

[whichwayisup]

You say you still want him, but not like this.. So how do you want him? For him to leave his wife, then you'll leave and divorce your husband?

Seems all this is ... Is just an affair. Atleast to him it is, hense him contacting you again and acting like the 3 month NC didn't matter.

 

He doesn't CARE about the affect it has on you. Point is, he went fishing to see if you were still interested..

 

Decide what it is you want. Him, the affair to continue, your husband? Your marriage?

Take control and make a choice..Otherwise you WILL end up back in the affair and cheating/betraying your husband again.

[beachbabyblues]

I just sent him an e-mail and ended it. Right to the point. I cant thank all if you enough for taking the time to reply. It gave me the strength and courage to do whaat I already know needed to to said/done.

I've been reading the posts on the Seperated/Divorced sites at LS and they have helped me to put things into perspective as well. To feel the pain on the other end... to see what our selfish actions are doing or will do. Makes you pause and reflect... no-one should be treated that way.

It's just cruel.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you sent the email..Now delete and block him!!

 

Focus on your husband, go on that date and forget the exMM.

[beachbabyblues]

I'm glad you sent the email..Now delete and block him!!

 

Focus on your husband, go on that date and forget the exMM.

TY, no need to block him. He replied. He agrees, he feels the same. He will respect my wishes. He is a good man, I have to believe this. This wont be easy, but I can do it. Yes, I need to get my head and more importantly my heart back into my marriage. Oh god.

[beachbabyblues]

I'm glad you sent the email..Now delete and block him!!

 

Focus on your husband, go on that date and forget the exMM.

 

I will move on but I will never forget him. I dont want to forget him. I will hopefully in time, think about him less. I think about him always. Yes, I love him. No apologies for that.

[OpenBook]

I will move on but I will never forget him. I dont want to forget him. I will hopefully in time, think about him less. I think about him always. Yes, I love him. No apologies for that.

 

Then you're still hanging onto him. You haven't let him go at all. In that case, you're wasting your time working on your M. It doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell.

[Heather1]

I wish the end of my NC was like that....

 

Do you want to continue the A? With no divorces, etc.? If my OM responded in that way, I would want to. But he didn't, instead he jumped into getting ahold of me & immediately hurting me.

[MaureyL]

TY, no need to block him. He replied. He agrees, he feels the same. He will respect my wishes. He is a good man, I have to believe this. This wont be easy, but I can do it. Yes, I need to get my head and more importantly my heart back into my marriage. Oh god.

 

Yeah, he respected your wishes the first time you went NC, right? NOT. I wouldn't be the tiniest bit surprised if he doesn't surface again. He might very well be a good man on many levels but he is acting like a complete prat at the moment towards both you and his W. If he agrees, why bloody contact you in the first place? Just another opportunity to hear the violin strings in the background and Whitney Houston warbling "and I will always ... looooooooove yoooooooooooou."

 

Grrrrr.

 

But on another note, do be patient with yourself. It took me a year to begin seeing things more clearly. I'm still not all the way home, but I do feel that I am getting closer and closer all the time. Finding this forum has been a huge help and comfort so thanks to everyone for posting their experiences. I have made progress because of it!!

 

xx

[hopesndreams]

I will move on but I will never forget him. I dont want to forget him. I will hopefully in time, think about him less. I think about him always. Yes, I love him. No apologies for that.

 

There are still 3 of you in your M. You haven't confessed the A to your H have you? Full disclosure to your H is the only way to make the M work, if that is what you really want, and be sure to tell your H you love another man. NC with OM? It's gonna take a way more than that to get your M back on track.

[beachbabyblues]

I wish the end of my NC was like that....

 

Do you want to continue the A? With no divorces, etc.? If my OM responded in that way, I would want to. But he didn't, instead he jumped into getting ahold of me & immediately hurting me.

NO

I can't continue like this.

I dont think many relationships built on cheating and lies can end well.

This is the best possible ending can imagine. To end up in each others arms again, we would both have to be single. No marriage partners. It would be a huge leap of faith and the odds are that I will never kiss his lips again. Whats the alternative? Cheating everyone out of a full - content life? No thanks. I am sorry your relationship ended badly. It sucks to give love and in the end feel hurt and disappointed.

[beachbabyblues]

There are still 3 of you in your M. You haven't confessed the A to your H have you? Full disclosure to your H is the only way to make the M work, if that is what you really want, and be sure to tell your H you love another man. NC with OM? It's gonna take a way more than that to get your M back on track.

You are right. One step at a time. Full disclosure would not get my marriage back on track. Trust me on this. It would be a one-way ticket to the end. period. I am trying here. Truly.

[beachbabyblues]

Yeah, he respected your wishes the first time you went NC, right? NOT. I wouldn't be the tiniest bit surprised if he doesn't surface again. He might very well be a good man on many levels but he is acting like a complete prat at the moment towards both you and his W. If he agrees, why bloody contact you in the first place? Just another opportunity to hear the violin strings in the background and Whitney Houston warbling "and I will always ... looooooooove yoooooooooooou."

 

Grrrrr.

 

But on another note, do be patient with yourself. It took me a year to begin seeing things more clearly. I'm still not all the way home, but I do feel that I am getting closer and closer all the time. Finding this forum has been a huge help and comfort so thanks to everyone for posting their experiences. I have made progress because of it!!

 

xx

When i went N/C 3 months ago, I didn't tell him to stop contacting me.

I didn't make myself clear. I just stopped writing to him. Then out of the blue he showed up one day. Then the e-mails started again. No subtance in them at all. Just the same old mush.

This time, the e-mail I sent him was very clear. No malice, no games, just pure truth. He wont be back this time. He is a good man. He will respect me and my wishes. Thank you for your reply. All of your words help. Good or bad.