Would u let exMM back in life if dating others?

[learnfrommymistakes]

Hi

I sort of asked this earlier, and instead of just asking, I rambled. I will do what I need to do, and I know very well each situation is different, but I am just curious as to anyones thoughts.

 

SITUATION:

I was involved with a separated, then back to wife, then separated and now recently divorced man. It has always been a very difficult long distance, passionate relationship that has rocked my world and also ruined it (not being dramatic) in other ways. More pain than pleasure, but the pleasure outweighs the pain, chicken, egg, vice versa.

 

ANYWAY, he is single, and he has started dating (or has been all the time, who knows) according to him, he has just started having casual dates with women where he lives. The D was not for me, and he never said he would come to me if they split. He has said he loves me...etc. etc...boo haa haa, yada yada over the years.

 

My hunch, gut and BIG feeling is that he is already sleeping with others, not just a casual dinner date. I dont trust him. never will.

 

He made plans, a flight reservation to come see me..even tho he has begun his single man journey, and he is all about the sex for sure.

 

I realize he lies and I cant trust him, but of course I want to see him. WOULD u risk breaking your heart all over to see your exMM now that he is single, but run the huge risk of it all falling to hell and not seeing him again? I am so torn. BUT I am also not trusting anything he says...ignores serious emails, responds quickly when its about sex or something light, but not when I need a deeper conversation.

 

Would you be able to just enjoy it, and go wild and have fun one last time, (maybe) and risk the pain again of doing this again...knowing he is not trying to commit to me or date me???

 

Thoughts are appreciated. I did send him an email saying that if he is involved with someone on any real level, not just dinner dates, that I was not comfortable with this..or if he had feelings for someone else, is sleeping with them, I did not want to be at the center of another threesome or lie. I just cant do it, YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

thanks so much, I know I sound like a broken record, but after 6 years of knowing him, it just ended in divorce and its all just raw emotion.

 

thanks

LFMM

[Alpha Female]

I wouldnt even let him back in my life if he were single.

 

You know your not capable of having a fling with this man. Stay away, unless you want to unleash all your history, and knowing this time, hes seeing lots of women!

[whichwayisup]

You know him and what his actions are telling you.

 

It's up to you at the end of the day if you want to get hurt again. Is having hot sex with this guy worth all the pain that's going to follow? He isn't inlove with you, he doesn't want a relationship. He's enjoying his freedom and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone.

[learnfrommymistakes]

AF

I know, I know. I am an idiot really. I don't know why I can't say no, I am just not this weak and pathetic with other men. OMG I feel like a friggin 8th grader, lol.

 

I know I will be asking for a world of trouble seeing him. I am already so F-up from the years of stuff, but I just seem to keep making it worse. I know, now that it is a total blessing that this man does not live near me, because if I had to run into him, and deal with what most OW or people in A have to do, I would go whacko and loose it.

 

I am setting myself up for a lot of crap and heartache. My goal it to be able to walk away for good...yet seeing him won't help that.

 

Thanks for responding, I know exactly how ridiculous my behavior/thoughts are. I am a fairly sensible and not needy/or foolish woman, yet this man tends to hit all my weak spots.

 

Thanks

obviously not learning from my mistaked, lol...

[learnfrommymistakes]

Which Way,

this is all true, I know. I did think up until now, a week or so ago, he was really in love with me, cause he said so. He said I STILL LOVE YOU, but what he means is, I still want to have sex with you, when I can get away with it, and lie to you and everyone else abouit it. I always felt he loved me, and perhaps in his own way he does, but this aint love, it sux...

thanks

lfmm

[IfWishesWereHorses]

LFMM,

 

Honey, you know how this will play out. You KNOW how you will feel afterward.

 

Think for a minute how you will feel after you say, "No way, Jose" and close this door. A little self empowered, maybe. A little proud of making a move in a positive (or at least nonnegative) direction. A little in control of your own happiness and destiny. You're no ping pong ball, choose your direction carefully.

[jj33]

You are getting great advice here.

 

What do you want from this man? You want him to say he loves you, you are the one etc etc etc.

 

is he saying that? no he is not.

 

Are his actions saying that? no they are not.

 

So WHY would you put up with being a diversion and little amuse bouche yet again..

 

You are more than a passing pleasure for him to enjoy among the banquet of life.

 

When I first tried internet dating I thought I had met a great guy straight off the bat but was uncomfortable that he was newly separated. I went on one date with him anyway. My hunch was confirmed, he was not sufficiently separated or ready to date.

 

I saw him a few months later for one evening. Over dinner I said so how are you enjoying dating. his face lit up like a xmas tree as he told me. I laughed and said its like Baskin Robbins isnt it, you are enjoying tasting every flavor (such a w*anker he was). And I left and went home ALONE.

 

This is your guy. he is free now and he is at Baskin Robbins - dont be the flavor of the week...

[jj33]

And in my own situation, well...I was thinking about that tonite.

 

I found a serendipitous way of evening the score so to speak. If I could find a way of disguising it sufficiently to post it I would because I am pretty d*man pleased with myself.

 

And unless he feels really great about the fact that I have now leveled the playing field I think it really closed the door forever.

 

And it did make me think. If he were ever single would I even entertain him for a minute.

 

Truth? there is to this day an incredible je ne sais quoi between us. But who cares.

 

it would take SO much for me to ever trust him with my heart again and to believe that he was not going to trifle with me and take me for granted - not that he would cheat, but that he could ever really engage fully enough for me to have my needs met in the relationship, that it would be a tough call.

 

I gave my heart and soul. I believed in him and in us 1000% against all reason long after it finished. To this day I admire him greatly in many ways.

 

But trust him with my heart? It would take convincing.

 

So if he came to me and said I am divorced, and there was even a whiff of a possibility that he was seeing other people that he dated ANYONE and didnt come rushing to me to say darling I love you, you are the only woman for me let me make things right...

 

I would say oh gee so sorry to hear you and W didnt work things out, best of luck to you.

 

And he wouldnt even hear the click of my high heels because i would be gone faster than the speed of light.

 

After everything I have been through with this man, NOTHING less than unequivocal devotion to making a future with me and 1000% certainty that this is what he wants would suffice. If he were a religious man Id make him swear on his childrens' lives.

 

So no there is NO way. If he dared to come to me and say he was dating others and would I like to join the party I would be writing this from prison because I would have committed assault with intent to kill.

[jj33]

Me again. The fact that you even have to ASK about his involvement with other women... not good not good at all. This is not what you want.

 

IF you allow yourself to put yourself through this, you are "living the dream" for one more weekend or however long he is there is worth the pain even tho I know its not real.

 

Theres a song by Snow Patrol and part of it goes something like "if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world" (or something like that)

 

thats what you would be doing. You would be suspending the reality of the fact that your relationship with him is not what you want, but for that brief while you would share your own private world.

 

But you clearly love this man and want more which means its a temporary high. And likely to be followed by pain and longing.

[Alpha Female]

it would take SO much for me to ever trust him with my heart again and to believe that he was not going to trifle with me and take me for granted - not that he would cheat, but that he could ever really engage fully enough for me to have my needs met in the relationship, that it would be a tough call.

 

I gave my heart and soul. I believed in him and in us 1000% against all reason long after it finished.

 

But trust him with my heart? It would take convincing.

 

This is so where Im at.

 

I know my recent x-MM knee-jerked and panicked, and didnt really mean to end things as he did. I know that because of the contact he made afterwards. Plus, we had broken up before. Im sure he thought it was more of the same.

 

And I also know he will contact me again, if not stop by my house at some point. I just know his patterns.

 

But, like you, the reason I feel things are irreparable arent because we fought and broke up. Its because he swore over and over and up and down for weeks and weeks how he was leaving his W and moving in with me. I begged him over and over to be honest and not say these things if he couldnt produce. I asked him time and time again to not go there unless he was going to follow thru. He would always swear to me we would be together and that he would never hurt me like this.

 

Like you I wouldnt worry about him cheating, but I dont think I could ever take him back because I cant trust him at this point. I mean if he comes to me, tells me what a mistake he made, that he left his W, filed for D, the whole thing, I still wouldnt believe he would panic again and walk out of my life.

 

Thats what bothers me the most. Knowing I cant trust him with my heart.

 

But if he came back while he was casually dating others? Hell no! What a dismissive slap in the face.

[jj33]

Exactly what a dismissive slap in the face and after the shock (while I said oh too bad) i would attempt to do him bodily harm which is why I would be posting from a jail cell (or an asylum).

 

the cheek to even THINK for one red second he can add you to the bevy of girls vying for his attention.

 

I dont think so.

 

he might not have left for you, but if in his heart he only wanted to be with you, he would have called BEFORE he started casually dating those women in town.

 

Im telling you its Baskin Robbins.

[jj33]

Alpha my situation is slightly different in that he never promised to leave but its the same concept.

[Alpha Female]

Alpha my situation is slightly different in that he never promised to leave but its the same concept.

 

It really is at that.

 

OP - even after all my recent x-MM has done to hurt me, if he ever had the audacity to come back one day, single, and tell me hed like to add me to his harem of women, Id be much like jj and would probably pull a Bobbitt on him.

[RedDevil66]

You want to see him again because you're story is not over. You still need whatever thrill this gives you.

In other words, you've not filled your "pain quota" yet.

 

I would never want to see the married guy I cheated with. Ewww! But it did take me a while to finally get to the "ewwww" stage

[jwi71]

I was involved with a separated, then back to wife, then separated and now recently divorced man. It has always been a very difficult long distance, passionate relationship that has rocked my world and also ruined it (not being dramatic) in other ways. More pain than pleasure, but the pleasure outweighs the pain, chicken, egg, vice versa.

 

You know, I'm divorced...dating quite a wonderful woman I believe.

A few months in, when we decided to escalate things, she asked me for my D papers. I could tell she was nervous about asking...but I didn't mind. I wasn't offended and proffered them up in short order. Signed and notarized.

 

Just a hint.

 

ANYWAY, he is single, and he has started dating (or has been all the time, who knows) according to him, he has just started having casual dates with women where he lives. The D was not for me, and he never said he would come to me if they split. He has said he loves me...etc. etc...boo haa haa, yada yada over the years.

He loves you but dates other women?

Uh.

Yeah.

Sure.

Makes perfect sense to me...loves you but dates others...you don't actually buy that crap do you...do you?

 

He made plans, a flight reservation to come see me..even tho he has begun his single man journey, and he is all about the sex for sure.

At least you are going in with eyes wide open...

 

I realize he lies and I cant trust him, but of course I want to see him.

Damnit. Really. I'm SO jealous. This guy isn't trustworthy and lies and you STILL want to have sex with him? I need to pay attention to these MM more...maybe I'll print the "Lies my MM told me" thread and commit it to memory...

 

WOULD u risk breaking your heart all over to see your exMM now that he is single, but run the huge risk of it all falling to hell and not seeing him again?

On a more serious note...it seems as if SEEING him is the path to hell versus not seeing him....

I am so torn. BUT I am also not trusting anything he says...ignores serious emails, responds quickly when its about sex or something light, but not when I need a deeper conversation.

Oh, here's a tip. Men suffer the EA part to get to the good stuff.

Not me of course. Just sayin'

 

Would you be able to just enjoy it, and go wild and have fun one last time, (maybe) and risk the pain again of doing this again...knowing he is not trying to commit to me or date me???

Again, you're a big girl. You know exactly what this is. So, is that waht you want?

 

Thoughts are appreciated. I did send him an email saying that if he is involved with someone on any real level, not just dinner dates, that I was not comfortable with this..or if he had feelings for someone else, is sleeping with them, I did not want to be at the center of another threesome or lie. I just cant do it, YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Uh. Yeah. He'll be honest with that. Sure. And look, I've got this beach front ocean property in Arizona I'd like to sell you.

 

Trust your instincts...they're right.

Question is...if you go this route will YOU be ok?

My gut says...you'll get hurt again. If he really loved you there would be no other "casual dates"...just you.

[learnfrommymistakes]

I realize posting what I did, I opened the door to harsh truths. I was trying to talk it out, get it out and realize how crazy it is...by expressing myself here, I am better able to handle my crap and not put rose colored glasses on this, which I stopped doing a long time ago.

 

Have I suffered enough pain, yes, DO I feel there is unfinished business, yes, always will be. I realize I am setting myself up for a lot of crap...but I also feel pretty ready to walk away...i came very close several times to calling off the trip and saying thats it, which is something I would have never ever considered before.

 

I know my answers, I know how f-up it is with this situation, and believe it or not, I am getting the courage to walk away. I do feel I crossed some threshold and that i will never be able to view him in the same way again, and that i do not want a relationship with him.

 

I am exhausted from it, and from my own sickness and weakness. it is not like me to be in this spot and so f-ing in my head and crazy but perhaps this is what it takes, crazy pain and a horrible gut feeling all the time that i have been duped, dumb and dense.

 

Okay, thanks for your replies. Every day I am closer to making this stop and YES I will feel empowered, strong and less pathetic once i stop the madness.

 

goodnite to all, and to all a goodnight.....

we each have control of our lives, and I surely am not trying to put my life or happiness in anyone elses hands.

[jj33]

Learning

 

Noone is trying to be harsh with you. Its often harder to see the forest through the trees when you are the one who is in the situation. Of course you want to believe the best of it. He is divorced now and you want to believe that it can all be OK.

 

But if he is coming to your city at LEAST do yourself a favor and make it clear to him that he is NOT staying with you.

 

Let him come and stay in a hotel. At least have the dignity to NOT let him in your front door. Go to dinner with him if you must. Tell him how you feel about things but dont allow him to come to YOUR city and stay in YOUR house and sleep in YOUR bed when you cant get rid of him.

 

Dont set yourself up for total humiliatoin.

[learnfrommymistakes]

jj

thanks, I was not hurt by your comments, I took them as food for thought but thanks so much for saying what you did. I am trying to shake things up and put it out there so that I dont sit here silent and make excuses for him. To put it out here, naked, bare, and soul bearing is humiliating in many ways, but I am not afraid to face this and eventually leave this situation for good. So, your response was very helpful and very real, I need to see it, take it in and see what sticks and feels true to my situation. I am far from naive, I just am really beating myself for being in this and letting myself get caught up in something so unhealthy.

 

The highs are so high, it is like a drug, which means it is an escape, and that can be intoxicating, but when that high dies down and reality stares me in the face, and we say goodbye, the lows and self hate talk, bull** come fast and furious.

 

I am actually finally, eager to try and end this, and move forward, full speed ahead. WHile i have dated several men, and one wonderful, wonderful man since this whole things started, I have never been willing to totally give this man up for more than 6 months at a time.....I am so glad we dont live in same area of the country...at least i have that.

 

thanks for being bold enough to speak your mind here everyone. I am not looking for someone to sympathize or be kind really, I am looking to share stories, thoughts, support others, and hear the cold hard truth, and let it sink in. It is good medicine sometimes to bite a bitter pill of truth...I CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH, lol...had to go there, you know the movie...U CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH....ha ha

 

okay i am getting off track

thanks

lfmm

[DiDi123]

JW-

"And look, I've got this beach front ocean property in Arizona I'd like to sell you."

 

You already sold that to me!!!

 

LFMM- Seriously the decision is whether you really want to be with him - but just realize that if you do what the consequences will be (you will be hurt and upset).

 

I think you will do what you really feel like doing- if whichever you choose I know I will be here to support you and hand you tissues if you need them or ((hugs))

Okay?

[learnfrommymistakes]

DiDi thanks

Very sweet, really. It means a lot, even from afar. i dont expect pity, or "whoa is me" because that is really ridiculous and selfish because I know damn well what i am potentially walking into, or letting walk into my life again. It is a matter of pain vs pleasure..sometimes having the courage to end it, (many, many times, and stuck with it for a while) and sometimes falling prey to my own selfish needs for that intense connection with him. The odd thing is i am not lonely, I am not looking for someone to pump my ego, validate me, etc...I get something totally different from him, all my senses are alive and it is just the most intense feeling ever.

 

What screws with my head the most, is that while I was on and off dating my recent ex boyfriend (I did not cheat on him, with MM, I always told MM when I dated someone else I would not lie to that person to be with him..couldnt ..) is that they are complete opposites. On the one hand, my exBF was the most loving, support, dedicated, kind, happy, fit, successful, etc lovely person I know, still is. We wnet back and forth and are finally broken up..it was mutual...BUT while I was pinning away for the MM, I had this lovely man who I cared deeply for and treated him well, and gave a lot to the relationship. What tore me up is that no matter how much great I had in my relationship with my xBF, I could not create chemistry or fake a connection with him ...one that was so strong in my xMM. I respected and loved my exBF more than you could imagine, but at no point could I forget about or really totally move beyond my intoxication with the MM. I tried and tried and tried, NC, LC and also contact that said..I AM WITH SOMEONE ELSE I LOVE< please respect that.

 

So i wanted to fall madly in love with my exBF, i prayed about it, and told God, WHY CANT I develop the feelings I want to fall in love with this wonderful man who I care for, and why cant i stop having feelings for this other. It was bitter pain, and still is...My intentions were good, but things just fell apart. So this just makes me angry and hurt. One man was more deserving than any man I ever met, and he was wildly in love with me, while the other, the XMM was certainly a nice and sweet man, but offered me nothing, I mean in the way of commitment, integrity, security, compatibility, and the list goes on.

 

We fall who we fall for, in spite of all our efforts to make other things work.

OH this is so complicated. I am still very close with my xBF and we love eachother very much, best friend and guy I know. I wish he was the one I could have given my heart to, but I loved and love him enough as a man, person, etc not to live a lie wih him.

 

I need coffee, lol. thanks so much for the post. Really, it was kind, and helpful.

I would be lying if I said I was not hurting and beaten up from this. The split with the XBF was recent, in fact the xMM's divorce and my split with my XBF were within 2 weeks of eachother, not related...but hit at the same time. Its been hell really trying to sort out the feelings from both.

 

ciao

lfmm

[learnfrommymistakes]

AF, lol

You know earlier this week I said (Jokingly) I am going to meet this guy at the airport and do a "BOBBIT" on him. I even told a colleague, I should set up my house with candles, wine, moody music, like always...lol....and walk out from the bedroom in sexy lingerie, high heeled boots and a kitchen knife, and do a bobbit....lol...say "OOOOPS, BABE I AM SO SORRY, I TRIPPED IN THESE HIGH HEELS AND ACCIDENTLY CUT OFF YOUR LITTLE WILLY...OMG I am so sorry, do you need medical attention, let me call 9-1-1, right after I get out of these sexy, uncomfortable clothes.

 

This is a joke, so no need to come interfere and warn the authories..lol, I never would hurt a soul, and I am not revengful, but I cant say that I dont have some funny thoughts...it keeps me sane...:-)

 

PEACE OUT, loving kindness, lol...

lfmm

[jj33]

Honey think about it.

 

You cant help who you fall in love with, but you can be responsible for taking care of your heart.

 

When someone doesnt treat you with love and dignity, the fact that you love them is not necessarily a good enough reason to let them keep toying with your heart.

 

This isnt about whether he is married or divorced.

 

This is about whether you are ready to face the reality of this man's actions and to take care of yourself.

 

Saying you cant help who you fall in love with and letting him come and take advantage of the fact that you love him is a cop out.

[learnfrommymistakes]

JJ33

I have beaten this horse to death...lol..sick of hearing my own words really. I have some decisions to make, and think I know what I need, want and don't want anymore. Not sure I think it's a "cop out" but obviously there is something I am holding onto or need to finish, in my own mind/actions. I cant and won't live like this anymore. I will see him if he still comes, say my piece, get out what I need to get out, cry, mourn, laugh, sing, wail, who knows...but this is not anything I want to hold onto after this impending visit.

 

It may have taken years, and years to come to this point, but I am ready to say my words, speak what I need to get out, face to face, and then wish him well and a good life. I will always care for him as a friend and person, I dont have it in me to hate. I never did, and its wasted energy. I just need to see him in person and handle my business, and send his ass home on a one way flight, and get over this chapter in my life.

 

I DO have more respect than I did, and that feels good. He was a weakness which I can and will turn in to a strength...for sure.

 

Peace out,

lfmm