ex or fMM coming 4 visit, divorced but dating

[learnfrommymistakes]

So here it is

The MM or rather Separated MM (confusing) who is now officially divorced is flying to see me. We do not live in same state or part of country.

 

I know he has started to casually date where he lives, (we are not dating..we have fantasy weekends abt once a year) he did not divorce for me, and we never lived in same state. I am just venting here....I have such a lack of trust with this man do to lies or omissions or simply ignoring emails whenever it came to asking anything of importance. I almost called off the trip because of doubts and the sordid past. I cant trust him for sh** and realize he would never make a good mate/partner nor would he want that from me, but that does not stop the hurt, pain or desire to see him.

 

I just wish I could take it as a FUN weekend and get over it, but when I do see him, once a year, the intense feelings come back instantly and I am a marshmellow, wimp, sucker.

 

I do believe his is a good man but I also believe he lies about other women. I told him i would not be the OW again, now that he is divorced I did not want to ever be in that situation again, with him. But I have no idea really, never did, if he has 10 lovers, if he had OOW or affairs, etc. Since we dont eachother much it has been hard to have any trust. I have never met anyone that he knows in 6 years of knowing him...due to distance..but got really sick of being hidden and lied to. He was separated when I met him.

 

It pains me to have waited so long for him to figure out his marriage, and yet now he is single and somehow I trust him less now. When he had a failing marriage and was separated I felt I was only competing against something that was failed, before I met him...now I know I am competing (bad word choice but cant think of another) with a world of other women, probably younger and each has the potential to be the next new flavor of the month, or next thing to expand his ego. I just feel like crap because I think he has lied to me since day one, and there are other women or were.

 

I think he has secret accounts, and is playing me for a fool, yet he tells me he loves me, spends money to see me or fly me somewhere to see him, and really has no reason to keep me in the fold now that he is single..so i am confused abt his motives. I know he likes my company and likes the sex...physical, and perhaps i need to realize thats all it is. He says he likes my company and he can be real with me, he trusts me etc...but thats not enough....I dont trust him and am sick of playing by his rules. As long as I am stroking his ego, or his....lol....he is just like a puppy in heat, but as soon as I ask some real questions, or want some info, he vanishes.

 

I am scared to let him back in and go through this again, yet this is the first time I will see him since his divorce and I have to admit, that is intriguing. YET I know where it will end, hurt, pain and distrust.

 

Just needed to vent because I have been dealing with this for a few days...and now the reality is coming to me....

 

thanks everyone, you have been such a strong support system and information sharing is so helpful

 

I am actually really thinking that depending on the weekend, I may try and call it quits after this. He does not want me as his GF, he wants me as his affair, even if he is single. If only I could get over that intense connection we have, and how I feel with him. Its deadly and delightful, painful and spiteful, beautiful and brash, and a PAIN in the ASS...lol

 

thanks for listening

lfmm