I HATE being the OW!!!

[MizzBlue72]

GRRRRR.....

I know, the title says it all.

I made the decicion to BE the OW, but dammit, I am really getting tired of playing by his rules.

He pops online just quick enough to say hi - gotta run ... W is watching.

OK - so I no he has not and will not tell W about our A.

I have dealt with that.

But I thought he would have asked for a divorce by now.

He said they are talking about it, he is unhappy, he loves me, only wants to be with me, etc.

The same BS I keep reading on here over and over and OVER.

 

Damn - why do I STAY??? I love him but at the same time the bits and pieces that he gives me are really not enough.

 

No, I don't want to control him - I don't want to control anyone that I would be seeing .... but he keeps sending me mixed messages.

 

From all the posts I have read - if he is really leaving - and he really wanted to be with ME, he would BE with ME!!! !

 

Maybe he is really not going to leave. Why else only give cryptic messages, etc.?

 

I try to make myself unavailable for him, to let him know what it feels like to only get to talk at 'certain times during the week' - yeah, like when his W isn't home....

 

Why do I stay in this? Why can I not get enough balls to say that he has to choose? And if he chooses his W - then OK. I am OK with that. At least I would not be the OW any longer and then I could start dealing with all the guilt and anguish I feel from having this A.

 

Somedays are really harder than others.... and today I needed him, and he wasn't there.

 

So - I do hate being the OW and yes I do know that it was MY decision to become the OW and I know that.

 

I just wish my heart would catch up with my head

[Fallen Angel]

One thing I learned from LS is that he has made a choice.

 

He chose BOTH.

 

It is up to us to make another choice for him.

 

Hard as hell, I know. I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.

 

((HUGS))

[xpaperxcutx]

You're right if you say you're playing by his rules. But you're also spot on that you're able to turn the table on him. The only thing is, do you have the strength to tell him to F it and walk away?

 

The only reason you're suffering now is because you're the one doing the waiting.

[MizzBlue72]

FA - thanks for this. I know that I need to back off and let him sort things out. Maybe it's a good time to end it, and if he really loves me he will choose me.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I remember those nights all too well. The pain, the heartache, the putting yourself into a terrible position and telling yourself you deserve it because you knew what you were getting yourself into when you started the affair. I know you it feels, i get it.

 

But i do have to say that after coming out of the affair and realizing how little i meant to him that i should have seen it the entire time. Afterall, he knew how painful it was for me to be the OW but still kept on with the relationship.

 

In hindsight, with a clearer mind I am able to realize that if he loved me he wouldnt have allowed me to put myself in that position. If he cared for me he would have wanted better for me. He wouldnt have wanted me to be chosen second, he wouldnt wanted me to have to be understanding of another person. Because, if he loved me like he claimed to, I would be his number one priority and my feelings would come first.

 

Please try to understand that youre hurting because the way he (and you) is allowing you to be treated is wrong. He doesnt love you enough to let you have the happiness in life you deserve. Love shouldnt hurt.

 

And the truth is ugly, and just as painful. But it needs to stop. Because being the other woman is talking yourself into believing that you arent worth the best and that you dont deserve to come first. Its very very damaging.

 

I realize that this point of view is hard to see in the midst of everything. But I honestly believe i saw it the entire time but chose to believe it wasnt true.

 

I'm sorry that your hurting, I understand. ((hugs))

[bloggervenus]

Ending a marriage is very difficult, even with someone you do not love. Your identity gets so intermingled with your spouse's over the years that you can't even imagine being a person on your own. And what about all those memories, all those hopes and dreams, and all those good times? What about the children? What about the financials? and so it goes...

 

I feel for him and I also understand you. This is a very tough situation. An author by the name of Michelle Langley has two e-book called Woman's Infidelity I and II. I was considering becoming the other woman not too long ago but luckily it didn't get started. Reading these books gave me a lot of perspective. I don't have an answer but maybe tihs book can give you some insight http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

[jwi71]

Oh MizzBlue...in the past year you've made such good progress. And such crappy retreats.

 

You left your H and got divorced...which was a good thing. You weren't happy and you took positive steps. Bravo...good positive steps.

 

Now for your cowardly POS MM. You know, the one who basically said you were his f-buddy last year. Remember that?

 

Remember the promises he made LAST YEAR. The same unfulfilled ones?

 

This guy has ZERO incentive to do ANYTHING. His got the lied and gaslit W at home and his OW just waiting for him to call. Hoping he does. Just pining for his attention. Hell, I'm getting an ego boost just writing this.

 

You can't control him and honestly its laughable to even think you can. It's actually the other way around. He CONTROLS you. And he does it by giving you just enough hope to stay in the game.

 

If YOU want change then do it. I know you have been on other dates...and they didn't compare. No man will until you end this.

 

Stop waiting. Stop hoping.

 

Start living. All he is doing is slowly stealing your life.

 

Now, what CAN you do?

[Devil Inside]

I can feel your pain. I can hear your frustration. However, I can also sense your fear...this fear that if you choose to set the boundary you know you need to....that he will walk. That accepting crumbs is better then not having him in your life at all. You have to ask yourself...is it? Is this really better then not having him in your life at all?

 

Like you have said, chances are, he will not leave his wife. I know in my A I wanted to leave...but I didn't. I chose to stay on that fence. That was my choice. A choice based on fear...fear of the unknown. I did not know if I could live with the consequences of leaving my wife and kids. My xOW left me. I didn't follow. So there is a risk there.

 

However, you know that if you stay in it, there is little chance things will change. So you need to ask yourself...am I willing to go through the pain of potentially losing him now to get to a place where I can heal? It is a scary step...make sure that you are ready.

[Impudent Oyster]

GRRRRR.....

 

 

From all the posts I have read - if he is really leaving - and he really wanted to be with ME, he would BE with ME!!! !

 

 

Yes, he would.

[learnfrommymistakes]

MIZZB

Man so many of our stories are SO MUCH alike. I am so sorry you are going through this and I could have written your post myself, really.

 

I did the same thing, and thought, why dont have the balls to leave, and so many other things you said are so true and so painful. I did the same dance for about 5 years, though we only saw eachother once a year due to distance. But yes, he said he loved me, and treated me very well, when he had time. But it was always at his beck and call, never mine.

 

I dont have good advice but I do have hugs and support for you...my exMM actually got divorced, not for me, he marriage was in ruins for years. But he did not come to me, now he is single and free, and is starting to date, and man that hurts like hell. Granted, he lives a million miles away and I totally understand, he has married like 30 years...so he has every right, but often it seems these affairs dont end well for anyone. The wife is betrayed and hurt beyond compare, the OW (us) get in over our head and accept way less than we deserve, and there is the guilt and shame for some of us, not others..and the man is torn and living a lie.

 

POINT - no one wins. I know some will disagree, some OW have ended up with their MM but it sure seems most do not, and we all come back here and share our pain and hope, but it sucks ass, that is all there is to say about it. Atleast for me it was the most painful thing Ihave ever done, because I fell in love too, when he was separated we met, then he went back to her, and i was too far gone to stop. I would start and stop and life was hell.

 

Now he may come visit, but i know it would just be a weekend fling because he is single and lives far away and neither of us want to risk a move, too many issues...etc

 

So I guess I can say I am sorry you are in pain, very sorry, and if I had to give advice, having been thought it, I would say..try to get out and never look back. BUT I know this is not easy, I never could do it.

 

Hope you get some relief in mind, by being here

hugs

[MizzBlue72]

Oh MizzBlue...in the past year you've made such good progress. And such crappy retreats.

 

You left your H and got divorced...which was a good thing. You weren't happy and you took positive steps. Bravo...good positive steps.

 

Now for your cowardly POS MM. You know, the one who basically said you were his f-buddy last year. Remember that?

 

Remember the promises he made LAST YEAR. The same unfulfilled ones?

 

This guy has ZERO incentive to do ANYTHING. His got the lied and gaslit W at home and his OW just waiting for him to call. Hoping he does. Just pining for his attention. Hell, I'm getting an ego boost just writing this.

 

You can't control him and honestly its laughable to even think you can. It's actually the other way around. He CONTROLS you. And he does it by giving you just enough hope to stay in the game.

 

If YOU want change then do it. I know you have been on other dates...and they didn't compare. No man will until you end this.

 

Stop waiting. Stop hoping.

 

Start living. All he is doing is slowly stealing your life.

 

Now, what CAN you do?

 

JW: WOW. Yeah, this is the same thing I was going through last year. Yes - you are right. It's actually sad how I forgot about this .... well, I didn't forget, I guess I just didn't want to remember.

 

Yes, this is the same guy who said we were f-buddies. Yes, it is, and wow - what the hell I am still doing????

 

I fell in love with him, and now he says he loves me. I guess it is the same thing that he was feeding me before.

He has said that he doesn't want to lose me. The more I think about this, the more it fits. Yes, he does have a W at home that knows NOTHING about this. Nothing about the plans of him leaving. He is talking to her about it (supposedly) - but do I believe him??

 

I do wait and I do pine for him. How sad is that?? But - like many of the OW on here, I can't let him go!!!

 

I know that there are a lot of emotions that he is untangling with his wife. I know that. I also know that I have zero control over this situation... zilch!!

 

So - the big question is am I going to wait or will I not??

He says it's not a matter of if but of when he leaves.

 

Some days I'm just lonely. I miss the interaction with a mate - having someone home at the end of the day. . .

 

I have dated a few guys, and you are ABSOLUTELY right. None hold a candle against him. I have placed him on such a high pedestal, that I can't even take them seriously because I always ALWAYS compare them to him. Why?? Because I am MENTAL that's why!!!!

 

This is either going to end bad or REALLY bad .... just not sure which one.

[MizzBlue72]

I can feel your pain. I can hear your frustration. However, I can also sense your fear...this fear that if you choose to set the boundary you know you need to....that he will walk. That accepting crumbs is better then not having him in your life at all. You have to ask yourself...is it? Is this really better then not having him in your life at all?

 

Like you have said, chances are, he will not leave his wife. I know in my A I wanted to leave...but I didn't. I chose to stay on that fence. That was my choice. A choice based on fear...fear of the unknown. I did not know if I could live with the consequences of leaving my wife and kids. My xOW left me. I didn't follow. So there is a risk there.

 

However, you know that if you stay in it, there is little chance things will change. So you need to ask yourself...am I willing to go through the pain of potentially losing him now to get to a place where I can heal? It is a scary step...make sure that you are ready.

 

 

DI - YES. I do have fear... a LOT of fear.

I have fear of what will happen to his feelings if I end it, and what will happen to mine.

I have fear that if he does leave and we are together that it will not work because A's are much different than day to day monotony. I've communicated that to him, but he does not worry as much as I do with that.

 

I'm not sure the crumbs I get are better than what I could have without. Sure, he says a lot of things, but I still go to bed every night alone. I still know that he is living with his wife, albeit he says he sleeps on the couch ... (hmmmm - I'm just not sure about that one).

 

I know that he has told me he regrets that he didn't tell me earlier in our relationship how he really felt about me (that he loves me, wants to be with me). He said he was scared too. This came out at a point where I was RIGHT THERE!! I was actually meeting him to tell him that it was over, that I needed to move on with my life. And he told me he loved me - and I fell - all over again, and again and again.

 

No, I am at a point right at this moment that I want to see where this goes, but half of me doesn't want to. I am more conflicted now than ever. I WANT to believe every thing that he tells me. I want to - but I am questioning things - lots and lots of things.

[mcdo's girl]

i know its hard to be one but im not sure y im trying to pursue this... but i think as long as we're happy about it, nothing matters....

[MizzBlue72]

mcdos girl -

I know. Sometimes I go back and forth. I love him. I really love him. Sometimes it's hard only getting the parts he wants to show me.

And lately I am becoming jealous really really jealous of the W. WOW - I can't believe that!! I feel I have no right to be jealous of her!! Those are the emotions that are hard to deal with. I've never been jealous in a relationship. I have always stated to myself that if someone wants to be with me - then BE WITH ME!! For some reason, this MM my rulse are out the window...... and that is a hard place to be.

 

Sometimes I think I would not change this for the world. I would like to have met him under different circumstances, that is so true!! But I would still loveim - today, yesterday, tomorrow ... that's what hurts the most. If we had it to do over again - I would still do it.

[mcdo's girl]

why would loving a MM so difficult....huhuhuhu..

[jwi71]

mcdos girl -

For some reason, this MM my rulse are out the window...... and that is a hard place to be.

 

You're the one who tossed them out the window...so put them back in place. The power is all yours. USe it. Become strong again.

 

Sometimes I think I would not change this for the world. I would like to have met him under different circumstances, that is so true!! But I would still loveim - today, yesterday, tomorrow ... that's what hurts the most. If we had it to do over again - I would still do it.

Oh darling. So confused. I wish I could help. I had hoped the realization that your R has gone nowhere in the past year would snap you back into reality. But,

 

You haven't cried enough.

You haven't felt used enough.

You're not angry enough.

You're not sick and tired.

 

Yet.

 

When you are ready to again rejoin the world of the living...we'll be here.

[MizzBlue72]

JW -yes. I know this is right.

I haven't felt bad enough yet. I know that.

I also know that I have put it out there several times (and so has MM) that we need to not contact each other until everything is said and done. And then we can see if our relationship will still be there.

 

For me, that would be so much easier. It would hurt like hell, then at least I would know that he is serious.

[HisSweetThing]

mcdos girl -

I know. Sometimes I go back and forth. I love him. I really love him. Sometimes it's hard only getting the parts he wants to show me.

And lately I am becoming jealous really really jealous of the W. WOW - I can't believe that!! I feel I have no right to be jealous of her!! Those are the emotions that are hard to deal with. I've never been jealous in a relationship. I have always stated to myself that if someone wants to be with me - then BE WITH ME!! For some reason, this MM my rulse are out the window...... and that is a hard place to be.

 

Sometimes I think I would not change this for the world. I would like to have met him under different circumstances, that is so true!! But I would still loveim - today, yesterday, tomorrow ... that's what hurts the most. If we had it to do over again - I would still do it.

 

I relate to all of your posts so much. Same with me. I was NEVER a jealous person. About a month ago the jealousy I felt towards her was destroying me. I have somehow managed to gain control of that, but it's mostly because of my MM's behavior. They live across the street from me. Lately there hasn't been much to be jealous of. My rules are out the window with my MM too. And I would do it all again too.

[Fallen Angel]

MizzB and HST,

 

UGH. Right there with ya both!! As hard as it is to deal with, I wouldn't give up a minute with him if I could go back in time and just skip it all. Even knowing how badly it hurts and how I have broken my own moral codes, I would still love him, and still make love to him.

 

BUT, if I had known then that he was married, I would have avoided all of this, cause I would not have allowed it to happen.

 

It is what I have been through and how I have learned to love him, that makes me think I would do it all again. How is that for chasing your tail in a circle?? With the info about his maritial status THEN before I was in love, i wouldn't have done it, but knowing then EVERYTHING I know now, I still would.. *I don't even make sense to myself somedays*

[HisSweetThing]

MizzB and HST,

 

UGH. Right there with ya both!! As hard as it is to deal with, I wouldn't give up a minute with him if I could go back in time and just skip it all. Even knowing how badly it hurts and how I have broken my own moral codes, I would still love him, and still make love to him.

 

BUT, if I had known then that he was married, I would have avoided all of this, cause I would not have allowed it to happen.

 

It is what I have been through and how I have learned to love him, that makes me think I would do it all again. How is that for chasing your tail in a circle?? With the info about his maritial status THEN before I was in love, i wouldn't have done it, but knowing then EVERYTHING I know now, I still would.. *I don't even make sense to myself somedays*

 

FA - I understood every word!

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Being an OW will leave you an emply shell.

 

A very good friend of mine is the OW.

She is Extremely intelligent, funny, engaging, outgoing etc.

I speak to her daily.

I encourage her to get out of it.

 

She describes herself as being desperately lonely constantly.

She is very sad and depressed.

She is very confused.

 

She wasn't like this when she was single and without the OM.

The OM didn't add to her....it has almost destroyed her.

 

I am so sad for her.

 

Please do everything possible to get out of this unhealthy relationship. The longer you stay, the worse it is.

Go to IC, read up on it and do the best thing for you.

Let your logical mind, rather than your emotional mind guide you.

 

You will rise above this!

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, ladies. It so sad to read how you think you are stuck in a situation that you hate.

 

I was reading something just the another night about humans tendency to stay in situations for too long because of the "emotional investment" that they've already made into it. It gave examples of relationships, homes and neighborhoods, friendships, even purchases that we continue to make because we've always done things a certain way.

 

One of the solutions they offered was to look at the situation and ask what you would have done if the situation had just occurred. But most of you are saying that even if you knew then what you know now, you'd still have done it. I guess only you know what you are getting out of these situations that to us on the outside in only look like they are diminishing you and destroying who you are.

 

I hope you get the clarity you need, no matter what you decide.

[offset_man]

JW: WOW. Yeah, this is the same thing I was going through last year. Yes - you are right. It's actually sad how I forgot about this .... well, I didn't forget, I guess I just didn't want to remember.

 

Yes, this is the same guy who said we were f-buddies. Yes, it is, and wow - what the hell I am still doing????

 

I fell in love with him, and now he says he loves me. I guess it is the same thing that he was feeding me before.

He has said that he doesn't want to lose me. The more I think about this, the more it fits. Yes, he does have a W at home that knows NOTHING about this. Nothing about the plans of him leaving. He is talking to her about it (supposedly) - but do I believe him??

 

I do wait and I do pine for him. How sad is that?? But - like many of the OW on here, I can't let him go!!!

 

I know that there are a lot of emotions that he is untangling with his wife. I know that. I also know that I have zero control over this situation... zilch!!

 

So - the big question is am I going to wait or will I not??

He says it's not a matter of if but of when he leaves.

 

Some days I'm just lonely. I miss the interaction with a mate - having someone home at the end of the day. . .

 

I have dated a few guys, and you are ABSOLUTELY right. None hold a candle against him. I have placed him on such a high pedestal, that I can't even take them seriously because I always ALWAYS compare them to him. Why?? Because I am MENTAL that's why!!!!

 

This is either going to end bad or REALLY bad .... just not sure which one.

 

 

This is going to end very very badly. I am sorry, but I am hearing the same things out of your mouth, that came out of the mouth of the woman I was having an affair with. That she would meet many many men, and none of them would hold a candle to me and on and on and on. Yet she was married and so was I and we went on the same way. Eventually she got just tired of the whole thing, as was I, and she ended it when another man showed up who i guess suddenly was able to hold a candle to me. And it ended. Badly. For me. I think you will eventually find someone and it will end badly for him. If you really want him, you must say to him, "let's get off the mark and figure out our future together". She never actually said that to me, or put it in an ultimatum form. Had she done that, I think I would have made the move rather than face life without her. Does he want to face life without yuo?

[MizzBlue72]

He says he does not want to live without me.

I love him - so very very much!!

I would give up everything for us ....

I know he loves me ... and I will keep waiting.

Maybe it's the ultimatum i need to give him

[jj33]

Read your own words Mizz

 

YOU would give up everything for "us" but he is not willing to do the same.

 

Its a very uneven relationship and its the trap many OWs fall into (I know I did)

 

You stride ahead blindly doing everything possible for the greater benefit of "us"

 

He strides ahead purposefully doing everything he needs to do to juggle you and his family.

 

You are only stuck until you are ready to make a move