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to BS, how do you work through/trust again


learnfrommymistakes

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learnfrommymistakes

Hi

I apologize to all BS, and I can't imagine your pain. I have major trust issues with men, and was the OW for a while, it started out when he was separated, I never knew him as married, and it all just blew up from there, he went back to her, lied, etc etc.

 

Since I have trust issues with all men, I am wondering how BS get through this and are able to trust, love or accept again? Even when I have a good guy, I dont really trust fully. I just dont trust men, I have been cheated on, etc etc like a lot of us, but never to the extent that I was in a serious relationship or married, and my SO cheated on me again and again and came home and lied about it. People suck sometimes...and I have huge guilt for my part in what I did.

 

So what do you do to gain trust??? Just curious

 

Being an OW also leads to a whole lot of trust issues, though of course in no way as deep as the cut as you suffer from being betrayed by a husband, but the hurt is still insane, a lie is a lie.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Hugs

LFMM

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Great question!

 

It's a hard and scary process, but one he now undertakes on a daily basis to restore my trust: His actions.

 

He calls, texts, and emails me his whereabouts. We communicate many times a day. We are always accessible to one another at any time.

 

We speak more openly about feelings and our insecurities and go out of our way to reassure each other of our love and devotion to one another.

 

We attend IC and MC.

 

We have full access to each other's email accounts, including LS.

 

No topic is off limits to discuss with each other as long as it remains kind, including his affair.

 

And even with all of that, there are still dark days when I just go off to lick my wounds.

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learnfrommymistakes

SPARK

More power to you, communication and honesty is always good. Thats the downfall of so much, communication. I hope and pray that things work out for you and your spouse. It seems like you are on the right track.

 

You see I would love to ask my xMM for some things to show me trust, yet it is pointless because we dont live in same state or even near one another so I wont ever know. Ever....it sucks....but I still feel Ihave some rights to know, to heal, to address things with him and he just avoids it all...I think he is so spent from his D that he has nothing to give ....I mean he wants to see me badly, but for light, fun, sex etc whatever, not to gain any trust or even to help me work through it..

 

anyway, thanks so much

good luck with your relationship I hope it works, healths and remains good

LFMM

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Great question!

 

It's a hard and scary process, but one he now undertakes on a daily basis to restore my trust: His actions.

 

He calls, texts, and emails me his whereabouts. We communicate many times a day. We are always accessible to one another at any time.

 

We speak more openly about feelings and our insecurities and go out of our way to reassure each other of our love and devotion to one another.

 

We attend IC and MC.

 

We have full access to each other's email accounts, including LS.

 

No topic is off limits to discuss with each other as long as it remains kind, including his affair.

 

And even with all of that, there are still dark days when I just go off to lick my wounds.

Spark, you have such a special place in my heart. I do believe your H is on the right track but I must say to the OP that some WHs do all this and STILL cheat. Only difference is, in MM's mind, since he has a secret account she doesn't know about, then he doesn't have to share the PW with her. Yet, I get the feeling your H is doing all the right stuff and is loyal to you.

 

OP, I believe trust comes down to one thing since being a resident here at LS. Trust is something you GIVE to someone, it is not something you can receive. You DECIDE to trust someone rather than them earning it from you. I'm not sure we can ever really believe someone is entirely truthful with us completely. Give them your faith and if and when the s*** hits the fan you can dump them. Until then, try to live within the peace that giving trust brings.

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Hi lfm!:)

 

Not ALL men are the same...that's the first thing. (Just like not all OW, BSs, etc. are all the same).

 

It took a good 2 years to learn to trust again after being betrayed by my stbx. I know NOW that this has all happened for a reason....I would have never met "my one" had I not gone through this crap. (It didn't seem that way at the time though).

 

It all takes time. That's all I can pretty much tell you. (((hug)))

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I will NEVER fully 100% trust as I once trusted my xW. Anyone. Ever.

 

However, I also know that one bad apple DOESN'T spoil the bushel.

 

Her A bespeaks of HER, not me, not M, nor women in general. Her.

 

Or, as the gipper said...trust, but verify.

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This is a really interesting topic for so many reasons...

 

I was a BS when I was married. I am fully aware that I created some serious voids in my marriage which I wasn't willing to change...he went off looking elsewhere. I left him immediately and never dealt with trust and him.

 

The next men that came in and out of my life were never overly serious and I've not had issues with trust bcause they were never 'let in'. Now that my son is grown and I'm dating again I find several things...seemingly the best place to meet men is on websites and if I had to guess I'd say 25% or more are married. Some are up front about it and some lie and let you 'smoke' it out of them. With this...I have huge issues with trust. It's too easy.

 

Having said that I am an OW to a MM who has been married more than 30 years and I am his first affair. Yes...I am 100% confident that is the truth. If all of these married men can be trawling and looking for casual sex...a man who I adore who has a huge history with someone an is looking for a longterm OW...and most single men you actually meet and date are also looking for not much more than casual sex...who the heck wouldn't have trust issues?

 

I say this from the perspective of a woman so my sweeping generalizations may well need to include women in there as well.

 

What I'm trying to say in all of this is that BS aren't the only ones who carry trust issues around...I think with the freedom of technology and the speed of lives it's far too easy for affairs and dalliances to happen.

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bentnotbroken
Hi

I apologize to all BS, and I can't imagine your pain. I have major trust issues with men, and was the OW for a while, it started out when he was separated, I never knew him as married, and it all just blew up from there, he went back to her, lied, etc etc.

 

Since I have trust issues with all men, I am wondering how BS get through this and are able to trust, love or accept again? Even when I have a good guy, I dont really trust fully. I just dont trust men, I have been cheated on, etc etc like a lot of us, but never to the extent that I was in a serious relationship or married, and my SO cheated on me again and again and came home and lied about it. People suck sometimes...and I have huge guilt for my part in what I did.

 

So what do you do to gain trust??? Just curious

 

Being an OW also leads to a whole lot of trust issues, though of course in no way as deep as the cut as you suffer from being betrayed by a husband, but the hurt is still insane, a lie is a lie.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Hugs

LFMM

 

 

Trust with him was no longer an option. I knew that would never happen again. The hard part for me was learning not to hate him with every fiber of my being for the rest of our natural lives.

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