Trying to do this another way

[someonesangel]

Before I start asking for opinions, please do not preach NC. I do know it and understand why it works but for the moment we have chosen to try a different route, we did NC for about a month and it simply did not work.

 

We got together for a long talk on Thursday evening and we had a lot to work through. Still a lot from DDay we never had the opportunity to discuss, my anger and directness after DDay that surprised him and our "phases".

 

We have been through NC, LC and a really tough week were we were everywhere together. Not intentionally, but we ran into each other 3 times in 5 days and we both found it extremely difficult. Kissed on one of those occasions and I then said we had to sit and figure out what exactly we are doing and how to move forward.

 

They are working on their marriage, and I truly believe he means that. He is also very clear that he loves me and misses me and is challenged as well with that aspect, much like I am. I also made it very clear that I am not holding on, moving forward regardless of not slamming the door and he also said he is recommitted to his marriage. We are not perfect, we did kiss and indulge with each other, however I have made it clear that in the current situation there will never be sex and I will never be the "ow" in the previous definition.

 

We are focused on honoring each other (by not having sex and being honest if either feels this is hindering or complicating our lives) and we are also cautious that this may not work, but we are also friends and we do love each other.

 

I believe truly that even if his wife was to find out, she would remain - maybe a little hurt but would remain and I also know that both of us are committed to not causing more pain. We do not plan on getting together once a week or even once a month.

 

Has anyone actually had success working through and Affair and loving each other enough to get to the other side? Meaning friendship and honor?

 

I am not young, not naive and not settling for anything - In fact, I have made it clear I am not waiting or going back to that situation, nor will I ever settle for crumbs in a "relationship" aspect with him or any other man.

 

The evening actually left me stronger in my resolve to move past this in a positive way.

[fooled once]

I am not sure what you are asking.

 

Are you asking has anyone had an affair, ended the affair without doing no contact and remained friends with the person they had an affair with. Even still loving that person?

 

You say you aren't the OW, but if you are kissing him, then you are the ow. You don't have to have sex to be the ow. You are the ow because you have fallen in love with a married man and are meeting up with him.

 

How was there a DDay without his wife knowing? I am very confused...

[someonesangel]

I am not sure what you are asking.

 

Are you asking has anyone had an affair, ended the affair without doing no contact and remained friends with the person they had an affair with. Even still loving that person?

 

You say you aren't the OW, but if you are kissing him, then you are the ow. You don't have to have sex to be the ow. You are the ow because you have fallen in love with a married man and are meeting up with him.

 

How was there a DDay without his wife knowing? I am very confused...

 

I am asking if anyone has got to the friendship side, so yes, you are correct in the original question. Is it not possible to love your friends? Can we not take the love we have and transition it to a true love. I mean seriously, we talk about "being in love" versus" the real love" all the time....

 

Real love is wanting what is best for both, it isn't about the sex, as I said... letting that go is the easy part. Letting go of my friend is far harder.

 

And I am also aware we should not have physical contact, so I knew that comment was coming.

 

As for DDay. We had a DDay about 4 months ago. They have/are in IC and MC and are working on the Marriage - I also believe that he is truly trying as is she. She has almost a decade of betrayal, so not easy.

 

She is aware we have spoken a few times but is unaware we have seen each other. As I said, I also believe even if she was to find out, she would not leave and that assists me greatly in knowing that we will never be together, so no holding on for "possibilities" an I actually feel stronger in that resolve than I did.

 

As for being the OW... no - I am no longer waiting for his call/email nor am I waiting for him. So I am not the OW involved waiting for the MM to come and take me away.

Edited November 1, 2009 by someonesangel

[Fallen Angel]

She is aware we have spoken a few times but is unaware we have seen each other. As I said, I also believe even if she was to find out, she would not leave and that assists me greatly in knowing that we will never be together, so no holding on for "possibilities" an I actually feel stronger in that resolve than I did.

 

As for being the OW... no - I am no longer waiting for his call/email nor am I waiting for him. So I am not the OW involved waiting for the MM to come and take me away.

 

The underline portion is how you explain NOT being an OW, I submit to you that you are still the OW, you have just moved your affair from a physical affair back into an emotional affair. But you are still in the affair.

 

I am an OW so I will never beat you up for that. I understand you're fulfilling your need. I get that, and I am doing the same. I too have stopped the physical affair, but even so, our continued daily contact and emotional dependancy on each other means he is still very much a part of my life, and I am a huge part of his. Just because we don't f*ck anymore, doesn't make me his friend as opposed to his OW.

[someonesangel]

The underline portion is how you explain NOT being an OW, I submit to you that you are still the OW, you have just moved your affair from a physical affair back into an emotional affair. But you are still in the affair.

 

I am an OW so I will never beat you up for that. I understand you're fulfilling your need. I get that, and I am doing the same. I too have stopped the physical affair, but even so, our continued daily contact and emotional dependancy on each other means he is still very much a part of my life, and I am a huge part of his. Just because we don't f*ck anymore, doesn't make me his friend as opposed to his OW.

 

I would agree 100% with you if we were in anyway providing support for each other. We are not with the exception of our talk on Thursday ( that is done, and no reason to have it again).

 

But even through our LC, we have not said " we miss each other, or tell me your feelings, etc etc" we do not talk about their recovery or our past relationship or the future, etc etc.

 

We talk about work, hockey and general interests like friends would do.

 

So while I get why many will still say we are in an Affair, I don't agree; having said that we have always had our honest and if either feel they are being pulled back in or having more trouble then we will revisit it and we both are prepared to go NC if we have to.

 

 

And again, I shake my head sometimes

 

If a Married couple gets a divorce and after months of tears, struggles comes to a cordial, even friendship place people would applaud them and I know many ( even some without children or a "reason")

 

We were not married but we did change each others life forever, so why on gods earth we would not try to find a more human connection that could in fact be healthy for both.

Edited November 1, 2009 by someonesangel

[Alpha Female]

Honestly I think any romantic relationship that includes real passion is one that when over, can never be reduced to friendship.

 

Particularly in your case, where you both still have feelings for each other. No matter how much you try and intellectualize your feelings, you will still want each other, and to me that would prevent a genuine friendship.

 

Plus, keeping you in his life means hes still getting his cake and eating it too. And hes still lying to his W about you being around.

[Heather1]

Can't be done. Tried & lead to better sex....sorry.

 

He can't work on his marriage with you in his life. If you don't want to be the ow, it's best if you just let his marriage fall apart without you & then pick up the pieces as a friend/lover/whatever. Having you in his life right now is going to stall all of his decisions they as a couple really need to make. That's the whole thing with NC I've come to find out. It's not a matter of loving or caring about someone & wanting them in your life (of course).

 

I've wrestled with this whole thing too for a long time. Relationships with people who were married or dating can lead to friendships and further contact. This type of relationship cannot, unless you want to continue the A. That's just how it goes.

[moaningmyrtle]

Yes you can do it.

 

Although I've never been an OW I had long term relationships before I was with my H. In 2 of them a friendship (with S and G) endured long after the relationships (which were 5 and 8 years respectively) were over. There were no children involved but there were jointly owned houses, joint finances and pets (with custody arrangements too).

 

Eventually the kitten originally owned by S lived with me after our break up and then eventually ended her days with G when we decided that this was best for her, after G and I went our separate ways.

 

I continued a friendship with S for many years and G and I were both invited to his wedding. I was still on very good terms with G when I started dating my H and continued my friendship with G until he started with the woman he eventually married. The friendship ended because she was not comfortable with it. I was so upset.

 

S and I broke up more than 30 years ago but strangely he got a short term job about 5 years ago working for my H - they even had lunch together recently and exchanged family news etc . G and I have not seen each other for about 15 years now because his wife was not happy with our friendship - I was pregnant last time I saw him.

 

The defining thing about our friendships which were completely non-sexual after we broke up, was that our then current partners knew of them.

 

I would suggest to you that if he (and you) you are planning on your friendship being secret from his wife then you will be continuing to deceive her and I personally I doubt your bona fides in presenting it to LS in this way. If she knows about it that is different.

[someonesangel]

Can't be done. Tried & lead to better sex....sorry.

 

He can't work on his marriage with you in his life. If you don't want to be the ow, it's best if you just let his marriage fall apart without you & then pick up the pieces as a friend/lover/whatever. Having you in his life right now is going to stall all of his decisions they as a couple really need to make. That's the whole thing with NC I've come to find out. It's not a matter of loving or caring about someone & wanting them in your life (of course).

 

I've wrestled with this whole thing too for a long time. Relationships with people who were married or dating can lead to friendships and further contact. This type of relationship cannot, unless you want to continue the A. That's just how it goes.

 

Well they certainly seem to be headed in the positive direction and he feels as if they have made huge progress.

 

I totally understand where everyone is coming from, but one of my BF's in the whole world is a very significant ex. We are no longer romantically attached but have really grown in our friendship and as "weird" as it sounds I see him far more like a family member or a brother ( I know a little icky) but funny enough sex with him now would just be wrong and it is really true.

 

 

So I am on the fence so to speak and I guess willing to see. We have agreed we will be honest and he does know I support him in working on his marriage and I truly do. We also know we can't be kissing and making out ever week so that is a no brainer for both and as for sex... couldn't get better..... we already know how good it was..... and i don't feel the need to have it again to remind us even further.

[someonesangel]

Yes you can do it.

 

I would suggest to you that if he (and you) you are planning on your friendship being secret from his wife then you will be continuing to deceive her and I personally I doubt your bona fides in presenting it to LS in this way. If she knows about it that is different.

 

 

I have been honest with the community here. We did kiss, made out in fact, I know that was wrong as does he.

 

We also have no intentions of hanging out weekly discussing the relationship, the DDay or telling each other we love one another... we did all of that on Thursday as well. He is still lying to his wife, he also knows I believe that is a concern and that I am not sure they are as well off as he thinks (even though I believe he does think it and doesn't see the problem).

 

I know you said, if your H was to do it again, that would be it... but I honestly think that is the exception rather than the rule. (that might be an interesting question for your side)

 

We also agreed to *try this new phase and see if it works. I am hoping we are strong enough but we are prepared to revisit the decision and go NC if we have too.

[Heather1]

I'm friends lots of men & work with all men. One of my best friends is someone I had a crush on from 15 to pretty much now. He set me up with my H & told my H how great I was.

There's a difference in A relationships. I feel like I have a phD in googling this stuff throughout the course of my A. The only support you can give him in his marriage is by getting out of his life, and that's the best thing even a friend can do. I really wanted to do the friendship thing too & had every intention of doing it because of my experience with men.

I'm married too, so I'll tell you my end of things with NC. My H & I are trying to work on our M & I've had NC for over a month. It's been really hard, because I miss OM SO MUCH!! But, my H & I are slowly reconnecting & I've been there for my H & kids all the way this month. At my son's game, I yelled at the ref for a call & he was so surprised. He told me later I've never done that & he was glad I was watching & paying attention to his match. Yeah, I go to all my kids stuff, and my H family's stuff, but I'm a walking zombie attached to my friggin phone & emailing instead of watching. I haven't been able to work on my M w/ OM in my life. But I love them both, but maybe that's loving him too? Nothing good can come of our relationship, not now.

If you want to continue the A, be friends. This is a different playing field & a way a man thinks is TOTALLY different than a woman. You're sincerely thinking friend, he's thinking window. Doesn't make him good or bad, but it's how it is.

[someonesangel]

I'm friends lots of men & work with all men. One of my best friends is someone I had a crush on from 15 to pretty much now. He set me up with my H & told my H how great I was.

There's a difference in A relationships. I feel like I have a phD in googling this stuff throughout the course of my A. The only support you can give him in his marriage is by getting out of his life, and that's the best thing even a friend can do. I really wanted to do the friendship thing too & had every intention of doing it because of my experience with men.

I'm married too, so I'll tell you my end of things with NC. My H & I are trying to work on our M & I've had NC for over a month. It's been really hard, because I miss OM SO MUCH!! But, my H & I are slowly reconnecting & I've been there for my H & kids all the way this month. At my son's game, I yelled at the ref for a call & he was so surprised. He told me later I've never done that & he was glad I was watching & paying attention to his match. Yeah, I go to all my kids stuff, and my H family's stuff, but I'm a walking zombie attached to my friggin phone & emailing instead of watching. I haven't been able to work on my M w/ OM in my life. But I love them both, but maybe that's loving him too? Nothing good can come of our relationship, not now.

If you want to continue the A, be friends. This is a different playing field & a way a man thinks is TOTALLY different than a woman. You're sincerely thinking friend, he's thinking window. Doesn't make him good or bad, but it's how it is.

 

I obviously don't know your situation but I do understand the missing part of course.

 

My only thing is regardless of what he is thinking he isn't going to get it. And I also believe both will know if the communication is becoming dangerous or too much and I am the one that has to honor myself at that point.

 

I am not going back, I am happy and really do want to see if we can get to the otherside, and we both have to hold responsibility, but simply put... if he goes outside of the comfort zone, I then have the " can I go back" and that answer is and will remain No..... not even for a "one night only" thing.

 

Besides that..... we would be showing huge disrespect not only for his wife but also for each other. I know he wants to work on his marriage and he knows I am better than the 2nd choice....so we would literally be disrespecting each other by even trying to get back involved.

[Heather1]

then my situation is different. My whole body chemistry changes & I can't last 2 sec around him.

Sounds like you're stronger than?????? About every human being on earth. Good luck!

[moaningmyrtle]

I have been honest with the community here. We did kiss, made out in fact, I know that was wrong as does he.

 

We also have no intentions of hanging out weekly discussing the relationship, the DDay or telling each other we love one another... we did all of that on Thursday as well. He is still lying to his wife, he also knows I believe that is a concern and that I am not sure they are as well off as he thinks (even though I believe he does think it and doesn't see the problem).

 

I know you said, if your H was to do it again, that would be it... but I honestly think that is the exception rather than the rule. (that might be an interesting question for your side)

 

We also agreed to *try this new phase and see if it works. I am hoping we are strong enough but we are prepared to revisit the decision and go NC if we have too.

 

You asked for posters' opinions and that they not preach NC at you. I didn't preach NC at you and I gave my opinion with reasons. Friendships with former partners certainly worked for me.

 

However honesty and rebuilding trust based on that honesty (and other things) is almost essential to rebuilding a marriage damaged by infidelity. It's enormously hard work.

 

Frankly though if your MM is not putting in the hard yards in the areas of being honest and trustworthy then he is not sincere in rebuilding his marriage. His wife may not know that yet and I feel very sad for her as she is the victim of her H and any woman helping him to repeatedly betray her.

 

 

You on the other hand are aware that he's still being dishonest and untrustworthy towards her. He's risking his relationship with her still. He may well have judged that she would forgive him another d-day and that's why he's taking the risk. It could be that he thinks she won't find out and that's why he's taking the risk. Or his marriage and her, might be not worth that much to him.

 

All infidelity is totally painful and devastating to the betrayed spouse. However I know that for it to continue after a d-Day, after the WS has seen just how awful it is for everyone and while he continually professes his love for the BW and that he could never do it again to her and that he will be honest about things; is even more horrific. You are participating in dicing with her feelings possibly her life.

 

We all know intellectually that it is not the fault of the BW when this happens but the feelings about one's own worthlessness are so utterly overwhelming. I never seriously tried suicide but there were times when I would have gladly welcomed a passive death. I would stand at the traffic lights waiting to cross and imagine that if the bus veered off the road in my direction that I wouldn't even try to step out of the way.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I'm just curious. Hasnt it been said many times on this board that people still continue the affair even after the 1st d-day. many people talk of multiple d-days. like it takes several attempts to successfully end an affair. Anyone found this is the case?

 

(not meaning my own situation. since d-day its been done)

[someonesangel]

You asked for posters' opinions and that they not preach NC at you. I didn't preach NC at you and I gave my opinion with reasons. Friendships with former partners certainly worked for me.

 

However honesty and rebuilding trust based on that honesty (and other things) is almost essential to rebuilding a marriage damaged by infidelity. It's enormously hard work.

 

Frankly though if your MM is not putting in the hard yards in the areas of being honest and trustworthy then he is not sincere in rebuilding his marriage. His wife may not know that yet and I feel very sad for her as she is the victim of her H and any woman helping him to repeatedly betray her.

 

 

You on the other hand are aware that he's still being dishonest and untrustworthy towards her. He's risking his relationship with her still. He may well have judged that she would forgive him another d-day and that's why he's taking the risk. It could be that he thinks she won't find out and that's why he's taking the risk. Or his marriage and her, might be not worth that much to him.

 

All infidelity is totally painful and devastating to the betrayed spouse. However I know that for it to continue after a d-Day, after the WS has seen just how awful it is for everyone and while he continually professes his love for the BW and that he could never do it again to her and that he will be honest about things; is even more horrific. You are participating in dicing with her feelings possibly her life.

 

We all know intellectually that it is not the fault of the BW when this happens but the feelings about one's own worthlessness are so utterly overwhelming. I never seriously tried suicide but there were times when I would have gladly welcomed a passive death. I would stand at the traffic lights waiting to cross and imagine that if the bus veered off the road in my direction that I wouldn't even try to step out of the way.

 

 

I am so sorry M, I truly am, and thank you for not preaching the NC, I do appreciate that.

 

 

I also TOTALLY understand what you are saying regarding hurting his W. I know I am partially responsible and I did bring up that I believed he still needs to work harder and really understand what she will go through.

 

He really sounded as if it was "all good" and I did tell him she hasn't even reached angry yet and he will have to be there for her. It isn't over yet, and he has to get his head out of the sand.

 

I love him and I do want him to be happy. I am also one of the only people, maybe the only that he is truly honest with and I do call him on things unlike others.... I know you would never believe me, but I did and do try to support her side as a different perspective and I told him... we are both female, we can have some differences but I am sure I can understand the pain from her perspective a little better than he.

 

I started a thread, I hope a respectful one in your side.... I need to hear the hard stuff as well and I will be honest how it goes.

 

If I feel any pull or any fear of going back, I will end it - as I can't be responsible for another DDay... I can't survive and I am not sure she can either... regardless of how strong we have all been.

 

I also understand your darkness after DDay..... when we finally went NC at about the 3 week post DDay I wanted to die, and I have never thought of suicide in my life... but on Bday, If I would have had the guts or the know how I am not sure I would be here

 

I know we come from othersides of the fence, but the pain is real for all.

[someonesangel]

I'm just curious. Hasnt it been said many times on this board that people still continue the affair even after the 1st d-day. many people talk of multiple d-days. like it takes several attempts to successfully end an affair. Anyone found this is the case?

 

(not meaning my own situation. since d-day its been done)

 

As am I.

 

I actually started a thread on the BS forum asking the same thing. Again, only what I believe to know from here... but it appears there are often many DDays yet does not change the leaving/staying or the true outcome in many cases.

[fooled once]

I would agree 100% with you if we were in anyway providing support for each other. We are not with the exception of our talk on Thursday ( that is done, and no reason to have it again).

 

But even through our LC, we have not said " we miss each other, or tell me your feelings, etc etc" we do not talk about their recovery or our past relationship or the future, etc etc.

 

We talk about work, hockey and general interests like friends would do.

 

So while I get why many will still say we are in an Affair, I don't agree; having said that we have always had our honest and if either feel they are being pulled back in or having more trouble then we will revisit it and we both are prepared to go NC if we have to.

 

 

And again, I shake my head sometimes

 

If a Married couple gets a divorce and after months of tears, struggles comes to a cordial, even friendship place people would applaud them and I know many ( even some without children or a "reason")

 

We were not married but we did change each others life forever, so why on gods earth we would not try to find a more human connection that could in fact be healthy for both.

 

 

You can't compare divorce and an affair.

 

Would you two have any problem with his wife sitting in and being a part of these friendship talks? Would she have been okay with the kiss the other day? I am not sure if you are trying to convince us or yourself that you aren't in an affair still.

[moaningmyrtle]

I am so sorry M, I truly am, and thank you for not preaching the NC, I do appreciate that.

 

 

I also TOTALLY understand what you are saying regarding hurting his W. I know I am partially responsible and I did bring up that I believed he still needs to work harder and really understand what she will go through.

 

He really sounded as if it was "all good" and I did tell him she hasn't even reached angry yet and he will have to be there for her. It isn't over yet, and he has to get his head out of the sand.

 

I love him and I do want him to be happy. I am also one of the only people, maybe the only that he is truly honest with and I do call him on things unlike others.... I know you would never believe me, but I did and do try to support her side as a different perspective and I told him... we are both female, we can have some differences but I am sure I can understand the pain from her perspective a little better than he.

 

I started a thread, I hope a respectful one in your side.... I need to hear the hard stuff as well and I will be honest how it goes.

 

If I feel any pull or any fear of going back, I will end it - as I can't be responsible for another DDay... I can't survive and I am not sure she can either... regardless of how strong we have all been.

 

I also understand your darkness after DDay..... when we finally went NC at about the 3 week post DDay I wanted to die, and I have never thought of suicide in my life... but on Bday, If I would have had the guts or the know how I am not sure I would be here

 

I know we come from othersides of the fence, but the pain is real for all.

 

I didn't find your posts at all disrespectful.

 

I realise I am probably projecting but I feel so incredibly sad for the BW, in particular, in your situation. It is probably because it plays to, what is for me one of the worst fears that I have. That is that my H having deceived me and yes manipulated me for so long, with the participation of one woman in particular, will not care enough not to do it to me again. Perhaps not with the same OW but possibly with another.

 

I love my H but I also feel "stuck" because we are so intertwined in each others' lives. If I didn't feel the almost inextricable link between us then I would not stay with him because it's clear that for us, love has not been enough. He knows this as I'm being honest with him.

 

He is the one saying he believes we should move forward and grow old together, yet at the same time it is really in his hands as he is the one for whom our life together required "supplementing for sex" (his words not mine). He confessed that he grew to genuinely love the OW and I have no reason to disbelieve him.

 

But if he strays again then I have no choice but to unravel our life together and for us to go our separate ways. He doesn't want this and I continue to hope that it's enough to keep him on the straight and narrow.

 

In the case of your MM it is not enough, or maybe he thinks he will be able to get away with another d-day. This makes me incredibly sad for her and cry for myself too because trust is nowhere near restored in my own M and I can't help thinking about how I would feel in the same circumstances.

[someonesangel]

You can't compare divorce and an affair.

 

Would you two have any problem with his wife sitting in and being a part of these friendship talks? Would she have been okay with the kiss the other day? I am not sure if you are trying to convince us or yourself that you aren't in an affair still.

 

 

OH, I get the kissing was wrong and it can't happen again or we go NC. As well, our conversation on Thursday was DDay/us related but had it been only the conversation... I can say I would be ok with her knowing or being there.

 

Other than the initial sharing of our relationship aspects we really did focus on what to do next, how and we did discuss the challenges and the realities if we cannot do LC without the kisses and hugs.

 

FO

 

I am not saying I am right, I am not even saying it will work. I am saying it is an honest try at friendship with no romantic involvement.

[someonesangel]

I didn't find your posts at all disrespectful.

 

I realise I am probably projecting but I feel so incredibly sad for the BW, in particular, in your situation. It is probably because it plays to, what is for me one of the worst fears that I have. That is that my H having deceived me and yes manipulated me for so long, with the participation of one woman in particular, will not care enough not to do it to me again. Perhaps not with the same OW but possibly with another.

 

I love my H but I also feel "stuck" because we are so intertwined in each others' lives. If I didn't feel the almost inextricable link between us then I would not stay with him because it's clear that for us, love has not been enough. He knows this as I'm being honest with him.

 

He is the one saying he believes we should move forward and grow old together, yet at the same time it is really in his hands as he is the one for whom our life together required "supplementing for sex" (his words not mine). He confessed that he grew to genuinely love the OW and I have no reason to disbelieve him.

 

But if he strays again then I have no choice but to unravel our life together and for us to go our separate ways. He doesn't want this and I continue to hope that it's enough to keep him on the straight and narrow.

 

In the case of your MM it is not enough, or maybe he thinks he will be able to get away with another d-day. This makes me incredibly sad for her and cry for myself too because trust is nowhere near restored in my own M and I can't help thinking about how I would feel in the same circumstances.

 

 

And your reality has helped me really really remember how guilty I felt for her on DDay. For weeks I could have cared less about "us" or even me.. I was crushed but the pain we had caused another person and you are helping to reinforce that I cannot be a part of that a second time.

 

As I said to, the DDay is still very fresh and it does concern me that he is so confident, not only in his recovery but also that she is "good".

 

I guess, as much as I want friendship, I have to really really think this through....because this is something I haven't said for fear of 2x4's and because I didn't think people would believe that it really did bother me.

 

On Thursday night, she called while we were driving ( I had been in the car a million times when they talked during the A but you know DDay made her, the triangle REAL for the first time) anyway.... he was so quick ( I am assuming had already figured out what he would say) with his response of just finishing dinner with his friend.

 

It did effect me, huge and even until this moment I have tried to put it away, as not mine....... but I do feel bad for her, I truly do.

 

I think he loves her, and I think he loves me..... is he over confident - very possible.

 

I have a lot to think about.

[whichwayisup]

I am saying it is an honest try at friendship with no romantic involvement.

This is going to be impossible to achieve right now. Maybe in a year, two or three...But fact is, feeings are still there, so everytime you see/talk to him, it's going to feed your feelings, prevent you from letting him go from your heart and healing..

 

It'll also prevent you from opening your heart to another man, let alone be interested in pursuing someone else on a romantic level. He'll be jealous/hurt, you'll feel like you're cheating on him, or worrying about hurting his feelings.. Either way, TIME and SPACE and (sorry) NC has to happen for a long time before any type of friendship can happen, but even then, it would still be a 'selfish' friendship on his behalf as I doubt you'll have an open/honest friendship with his wife knowing. It'll be a hidden away 'friendship', keeping the door open a crack, giving you hope..

 

NC has to happen for so many reasons, for him to give it his all, try to bring alive the feelings he obviously still has for wife, but have been buried because of you and the A- TO give his marriage an honest shot at working without you in his life at all.. And for you, a chance to heal, to grieve, to let go..To find 'you' again. I'm sure you haven't been happy alot of the time on this rollercoaster ride.

 

It's unfair of HIM to want a friendship with you..Plain selfish! And, it's unfair of you to want a friendship from him while he's trying to get close to his wife again. All this is going to do is cause MORE pain all around.

[Fallen Angel]

I have been honest with the community here. We did kiss, made out in fact, I know that was wrong as does he.

 

We also have no intentions of hanging out weekly discussing the relationship, the DDay or telling each other we love one another... we did all of that on Thursday as well. He is still lying to his wife, he also knows I believe that is a concern and that I am not sure they are as well off as he thinks (even though I believe he does think it and doesn't see the problem).

 

I know you said, if your H was to do it again, that would be it... but I honestly think that is the exception rather than the rule. (that might be an interesting question for your side)

 

We also agreed to *try this new phase and see if it works. I am hoping we are strong enough but we are prepared to revisit the decision and go NC if we have too.

 

This is the reason I say it is still an affair. The contact with you, even though it is limited, makes his marriage tolerable. You don't have to be declaring your undying love for him. He already knows it, and continued contact with him assures him that while the physical dynamics have changed, that the emotional dynamics have not. He knows RIGHT NOW, if he came to you and said "I have left her" you would take him in. As long as he KNOWS that, he is still in the affair, because you are still an option.

 

Does what I am saying make any sense? I know you want to think that you can just be friends, and I beleive that you really do have the best intentions, but, I think you are lying to yourself hun. ((Hugs))

[someonesangel]

This is the reason I say it is still an affair. The contact with you, even though it is limited, makes his marriage tolerable. You don't have to be declaring your undying love for him. He already knows it, and continued contact with him assures him that while the physical dynamics have changed, that the emotional dynamics have not. He knows RIGHT NOW, if he came to you and said "I have left her" you would take him in. As long as he KNOWS that, he is still in the affair, because you are still an option.

 

Does what I am saying make any sense? I know you want to think that you can just be friends, and I beleive that you really do have the best intentions, but, I think you are lying to yourself hun. ((Hugs))

 

Of course you are making sense, and your right he knows I love him and he knows although I would never hop right back in - I would begin a new relationship with him.

 

And maybe I am over confident... or really want to believe him when he says it is way better that they are better and that he believes they will be ok.

 

And honestly, I was in her corner the other night...sharing that he needs to expect anger in the next coming months... I tried to share with him, how I was just now starting to get my legs under myself again and I know she is too.... god, she had 10 years of lies and betrayal thrown at her.

 

Part of me is also a little scared of him getting hurt... I know from here how many BS make a different choice 6-1 year into it..... begin the recovery out of fear and uncertainty and then get their legs and go WTF just happened....

 

I don't want anymore pain...... and oddly enough.. I am one of those people that will do all I can to maintain a relationship ( friends/family/Ex's) but I am also french and if I close the door it is double bolted.

 

Maybe I need to address that I am just not ready to seal it's fate.

[jj33]

Someone you are kidding yourself.

 

If you were really ready to end the EA as well as the PA you would be able to do NC.

 

Do you work together? If not there is NO reason you have to be in contact.

 

It might be possible to be on some sort of friendly terms in the future but you need at least 6-9 months of NC to break the romantic bonds.

 

Then if you still want to be friends perhaps you could try an email or a phone call.

 

But to jump right from the PA to a non sexual friendship is not putting an end to the affair - it is an EA because you cant bear the thought of not being in contact with him.

 

Ive been there and its very painful but you must cut the cord. If I hadnt had to be in contact with him for work my healing process would have been much quicker.