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Could u really trust your MM after divorce?


learnfrommymistakes

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learnfrommymistakes

Hi

I know this is a recurring theme probably, but I am asking anyway. For those of you that were OW and your MM ended up getting a divorce, could you really or would you actually trust him not to lie to you and do the same thing?

 

My situation is a little different, I never lived near my MM and I was not the cause of the divorce, we only met about once a year and he was separated when I met him, I had no idea he would go back to his wife, since he was already away from her and it seemed final.

 

He did not tell me he went back with her, I found out from HER actually, during a short and horrible phone call. he never had the balls to tell me he moved back in..so there has been trust issues forever. I hated having any affair and have a lot of guilt and remorse, and so on. BUT now he is divorced and wants to come see me. I want to see him in many ways and in others, it just bring up a lot of pain and mistrust and hurt.

 

Also, i am assuming he will want to go date like crazy, since he has been married for a million years....so i just feel like i cant trust him, especially from afar, thousands of miles away. I just am tired of the emotioanl roller coaster and fear the old pains coming back, instead of just being happy to see him. I want to see him, its our chance to have fun without either of us being tied to anyone else, but I have ENORMOUS trust issues...

 

SO could u trust the man that lied to his wife for years about you and the A? and do u really tihnk he wont lie to you? I mean isnt this risky territory...??

 

perhaps its just me

Thanks for reading

Learnfrommymistakes

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someonesangel

I hear all of the back and fourth regarding why an OW would trust the MM in any scenario and I think it depends on each individual.

 

We had a 5 hour plus chat together on Thursday night and one of the primary concerns I had going into it was - I always believed I could trust him fully, and needed to re-evaluate that honestly when sitting face to face. I did and I do.

 

Why do I trust him?

 

From day one, he has not once lied to me. Not about anything, his past, during the A or after DDay. He does not just tell me what I want to hear but is honest about still loving his wife and loving his girls. We always said mutually that we needed time together before we would even consider destroying a family for our love.

 

DDay came and took away that choice. He had a choice and again is honest. He say's and I truly believe him had we had the ability to remain in our relationship longer ( we were together about 10 months) and had we been able to experience more growth, his choice may have been different. He admitted he was afraid he didn't have enough information to make a lifelong commitment to me at that time.

 

As hard as that was to hear, I agree. I could not have said we were going to be a forsure thing. I can say with no uncertainty that I love him and that he loves me.

 

We know there is more than one kind of love and we also know there are many facets to love. But again, he has never lied to make me feel better or to manipulate me.

 

And as awful as this sounds, even today - I am the only one he is being completly honest with. He has moved mountains with his W but still lies to her about seeing me and lied to her on the phone the other night when he said where he was.

 

I can't judge him because I am also a part of the problem - but I do remain in the camp that once anyone has lied to the extent those in long term affairs do to someone.... it is almost certain they will do it again.

 

Are they working on their marriage, yes I believe they are - is it getting better, well certainly the secrets from his past are out, he can face those as can she.

 

Are they recovered, god no - In fact I told him straight up that it is only the beginning as he thinks they have moved passed it. I am pretty sure she hasn't even gone into anger yet, and he still has to deal with the reality that kissing me and playing with me (no, we are not sleeping together) is something we still has to work on.

 

The truth is we are honest with each other, and I truly don't think that will change as it was the basis of us working out together to begin with.

 

I also believe that they will remain together. I don't think anything, including her finding out about us recently would change that. I also believe regardless of what others will say - we love each other and for the first time I feel like we are truly trying to honor that and move forward without each other.

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someonesangel

Because I know I will get beaten for my view.

 

Take the Affair out of the equation for one minute. I think we all have had relationships whether it be a SO or a sibling or a friend that is "different" than our other relationships or even our the core of who we are.

 

Through the years often those traits continue within that relationship and there are incredibly hard to alter due to the history of the trait. It is not against his W, and as he said to me I am trying to learn how to be honest with her.

 

The problem is, it is a deep rooted pattern with that individual and within the said relationship between the two people. I get that even from a family position. I have one sister where even when we are truly doing the work and we do love each other - we bring out the worst in each other. We have "divorced" for lack of a better word. Not because we don't love each other, but because we do and our past, our habits they were causing more damage by repeating them.

 

We love each other, we still see each other but we are not within that intimate sister relationship and both of us love each other enough to know that is the healthiest outcome for both of us.

 

So, that really is where my perspective comes from and is also the reason I, even though I have been an OW would NOT be able to reconcile years of betrayal. It isn't because I don't love them, but history doesn't only create memories and tangible things... it also creates habits/consistency and subconscious "know" of what you can and cannot get away with within the confinements of that relationship.

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I agree with alot of what you said Some Angel. The other thing is that divorcing is a big decision and one that most people dont take lightly.

 

By the time someone decides to divorce one would think that they have done a lot of soul searching. And that they want to try to make their next marriage or significant relationship stronger than the one that they have left.

 

While its true that some people are opportunistic and capable of being faithful or simply not interested in monogamy (whether or not their SO knows that), others decide that in their next relationship they want to be monogamous and not engage in the deceit that became a part of the prior relationship.

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someonesangel
I agree with alot of what you said Some Angel. The other thing is that divorcing is a big decision and one that most people dont take lightly.

 

By the time someone decides to divorce one would think that they have done a lot of soul searching. And that they want to try to make their next marriage or significant relationship stronger than the one that they have left.

 

While its true that some people are opportunistic and capable of being faithful or simply not interested in monogamy (whether or not their SO knows that), others decide that in their next relationship they want to be monogamous and not engage in the deceit that became a part of the prior relationship.

 

And I agree with you, it truly isn't a decision that should be taken lightly. I also agree that while many want to assume he/she will take what they have done into the next relationship (even in some situation where that is the OW) that is not always the case and I think for some the reason why they say they trust their MM and would should they find themselves in a long term relationship with him.

 

Even with keeping with the situation I gave with my Sister... we fought for it so hard, and continued for years to find ourselves hurting each other. The more I think about it, the more similar it was to a Affair and the recovery. We would be doing great, getting along for months and then bang...one of us would do something "typical" and put another nail in the coffin. It was YEARS of this before we said, ok.... we need to stop hurting each other, because we do love each other.

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I can't speak to your situation, as only you have been in your relationship, so only you really know. But I would think if you are here asking the question, then you already know whether you trust him or not, and it seems like you don't. You have to trust your instincts.

 

In my situation, I would trust mine if he were to divorce, but each situation is different and my reasons for trusting mine are personal to our relationship.

 

I would just say trust your heart. If you don't trust him, don't get back in the relationship.

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GreenEyedLady

Yes, I trust my H.

 

He gives me no reason not to.

 

I know he lied to his XW and to me. But that is the past and we are moving forward with our future. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him.

 

Why be with someone if you can't trust them?

 

And after what he did, I would've changed all my contact numbers and addresses and cut him off cold. He doesn't deserve jack from you.

 

GEL

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learnfrommymistakes

Hi there

thanks for your reply, FallenA wow your story is intense and I have a lot of respect for your courage to move on and work it out..sounds like you had a rough marriage and he was totally disrespectful and an a**hole. My heart goes out to you and I hope no one ever treats you that way again.

 

Thanks for everyones responses. I am totally confused abt this man who has been in my life for 6 years, from afar. I never know whats true or not cause we live oceans apart so it is hard to really know anything...at times i totally believe him, for moments, lol..and overall my stomach is in knots cause I want answers and some recognition for past pains and untruths and it just scares him away. Either I am the worlds worst judge of character, or i am paranoid and he has been truthful most of the time. The big reason i end up wanting to see him is the intense connection and longevity of how long we have cared for eachother, and that now that he is divorced the situation is different. I cant figure out why he would spend money to come to see me, or to fly me somewhere just for a roll in the hay or to mess with my mind, when he could date anyone...he is a great man, in many ways, always been kind to me, positive and yes i doubt him all the time...i think its the distance really.

 

he tells me he loves me, and very much wants to see me, that i am good medicine to him, etc etc and i just cant see why he would string me along for so long when he could have a hundred affairs or dates right where he lives. Obviously he has family where he lives and its hard to play in your own back yard, but i know his money is tight and yet he chooses to get a plane and come see me or meet me...so then i get to thinking he really wants this to some degree

 

Bottom line, my stomach is in knots in fear that there is this man that has been in and out of my life who is now free and yet i dont trust.

 

I ask questions but dont really ever come out with a lot of answers...he hates conflict and is simple minded, not deep so i think it overwhelmes him to deal with someone who has questions and expectations abt communicating.

 

I hate this, yet i want to see him and i love him. I feel like a bouncing ball...and this is just not like me to fall so deep and stay in something with such distrust

 

I will ask questions before he comes to visit, if he does, and pray i get some answers that will be helpful, but i think basically i will not trust him..so i can choose to see him knowing all this, or say NO, but as we all know, it aint that easy

 

I have been through this roller coaster for a long time, but i just cant see what purpose he would have stringing me on, from thousands of miles away when he is now free to date anyone in the world...he chooses to see me...makes ya wonder...lol

 

argghhhhhhh

thanks for letting me vent

LFMM

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Situations are all different. Things worked out well for GEL and for me, but it's hard to predict based on that what the chances would be for someone else. Each R needs to be judged on its own merits.

 

LFMM, it sounds like your guy is a classic conflict avoider. It's not surprising he didn't tell you he'd gotten back together with his W - he'd rather hide under a rock until it's all gone away! That's not going to change in a new R, with you or with anyone else, UNLESS he does some serious work on it, in counselling or such.

 

It concerns me a little that you live so far away, and he just sees you on your home ground. You have yet to see how he is on his home turf - how he is with friends, family, colleagues. You need to do some more research on him in other contexts before you will get a good sense of whether he's worth the investment or not.

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I know your question is about trust. The clear answer is NO. But I think you really want to know if he will do the same thing to you as he did to his Xwife. The answer to that is YES.

 

But in the grand scheme of it all, I'd say let him come see you. Go see him. Love him. As long as he doesn't give you a reason to suspect disloyalty, enjoy the relationship while it last. Try not to put so much emphasis on the future because based on the history, the future looks disappointing at best. You can't be happy without trust.

 

Anything that makes you feel insecure, don't do it. If this is causing you stress right now, you should get out of it and leave him alone.

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I know your question is about trust. The clear answer is NO. But I think you really want to know if he will do the same thing to you as he did to his Xwife. The answer to that is YES.

 

 

In some cases, perhaps - but there are enough lived examples out there where that HASN'T happened to nullify any kind of sweeping generalisation implying inevitability. Some do, some don't.

 

In this particular case, the OP's MM clearly has conflict avoidance issues. Unless he resolves those, this is likely to present a problem in any Rs (not only romantic ones - work, friendship, parenting...) he engages in, not only a subsequent post-A R with the OP. Of course, the A and its fall-out could in themselves generate the "shake-up" that he needs to face his demons and sort his life out - but given the way he's played it (reportedly, from the OP's description) so far, it seems unlikely.

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learnfrommymistakes

OW

Amen to that. I have never been to his home town. We have met in other states, business trips that overlapped, but heck no, never met a single soul that he knows, a friend, anything. This is the crap that causes so much anxiety...so much. AND if this were anyone else, I would never settle for it...what messes with my head is him telling me loves me, misses me, etc etc. Like why go through all that effort, especially post divorce, when he has no ties, no strings and never promised me a thing, he owes me nothing...i just wish i knew if he had OOW and if i am the big friggin fool...I dont know if he is a big liar or he is just a conflict avoider. I go back and forth,

 

I told myself before he comes here, if he does, we have to have a talk (of which I realize wont go anywhere...) but i am going to try and get some answers. He makes me believe i was the only OW over the years..and this may be true, who knows. I know he cares for me and we have this unique bond, i dont doubt that. He is a good looking, funny, fun guy who could easily get his rocks off anywhere...and yet he keeps coming back to me, miles and miles away, without a big bank account to play with, he chooses to see me. Seems silly to do it as a game, i am not putting any pressure on him. He flew me out to see him within the past 6 months, when he was separated...i was in his state, but not in his county...he lives in a small small town and his family is devastated by his divorce so i understamd why he would not want me there. I would feel uncomfy too.

 

BUT he did tell me recently that he mentioned my name/showed my pix to a colleague, and that just shocked me, because i have been a hidden secret for so long. He is single, so perhaps its different now, but I doubt it. I have been to this picnic before, ha ha, and I have left sick.

 

I am so confused. It seems silly not to see him, now that he is single, yet I dont think I can get past the past.

 

Damn this crap is never easy...I wish I could find some way to know if he is lying, check up on him, which i never did. I have been totally NOT that way...i dont want to be that way, but living so far apart, I have no idea what he does and with whom.

 

I always think of ways i can ask him or find out if he is full of SH** but short of going rouge/rambo, lol I can't think of a way. Oh to be a fly on the wall. MAN oh MAN.

 

Since the day I met this man, I have been a different person, it just seems crazy as I am independent and not a clingy type nor a type who likes relationships. But he gets to me. I realize if I ever dated him in real life, like a normal couple, the dynamics would surely change and I am quite sure it would not, could not work. He has a lot of commitments to his family and career and kids, and I am committed to my things where I live...so what the hell am I doing...lol

 

Its odd to be this messed up about one man who does not even live near me, or perhaps deserve my love. But when we talk or see eachother, the world disapears and we just connect.

 

Am I 13 years old, lol....? I feel like a teenager with my silly, childish issues, and I am far far older than that.

 

Hey can one of you go spy on him, lol...? Kidding

LFMM

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Hi

I know this is a recurring theme probably, but I am asking anyway. For those of you that were OW and your MM ended up getting a divorce, could you really or would you actually trust him not to lie to you and do the same thing?

 

My situation is a little different, I never lived near my MM and I was not the cause of the divorce, we only met about once a year and he was separated when I met him, I had no idea he would go back to his wife, since he was already away from her and it seemed final.

 

He did not tell me he went back with her, I found out from HER actually, during a short and horrible phone call. he never had the balls to tell me he moved back in..so there has been trust issues forever. I hated having any affair and have a lot of guilt and remorse, and so on. BUT now he is divorced and wants to come see me. I want to see him in many ways and in others, it just bring up a lot of pain and mistrust and hurt.

 

Also, i am assuming he will want to go date like crazy, since he has been married for a million years....so i just feel like i cant trust him, especially from afar, thousands of miles away. I just am tired of the emotioanl roller coaster and fear the old pains coming back, instead of just being happy to see him. I want to see him, its our chance to have fun without either of us being tied to anyone else, but I have ENORMOUS trust issues...

 

SO could u trust the man that lied to his wife for years about you and the A? and do u really tihnk he wont lie to you? I mean isnt this risky territory...??

 

perhaps its just me

Thanks for reading

Learnfrommymistakes

 

In your case, I wouldn't trust him... why? because he already lied to you when he really didn't have to... will he cheat on you.. hard to say.. but most likely he will..

 

You were far from him.. (still is I suppose)... so LDR is true temptation for As..

 

My advice .. move on.. forget about him.. he will only break your heart over and over and over.. :o

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learnfrommymistakes

lizzie

I agree in many ways. I am sick about it, but never can move on totally, he reels me in..and i fall. I feel so stupid but he is smooth, and i love him. I just got up the balls to call him and said we needed to talk. I rarely do that, and know it may turn out badly since he is such a conflict avoider, but before i let him back into my life, my bed, my heart, I want to at least ask some questions...and try again to see if i can get anwhere.

 

Thing is , I dont know what to ask in the best way I can to get the info I want. I dont even know how to do this and it will probably lead to a no visit, which is another possibility i have to consider. My gut aches, so I finally just called and left a message. I wont know if he is lying anyway, but I wish I had some way to call him on his bluff, and let him know in a kind way (I have never been mean or sneaky) that if i wanted to find out things I could, i choose to hear them from him directly. I am 95% sure I wont get any answers regardless. He did allude to the fact , a week ago, that now thgat he is single he can tell me and show me how he feels, but it feels like bull****. But why fly xthousand miles just to fu** with my head, makes no sense.

 

I know my answer, I will never trust him, and cant. I just feel like i spent so many years hidden, now he is free, we our ourselves a visit at this stage..which usually ends in sadness, etc.

 

OH WELL

thanks so much for all your help on here people, it means a lot

it did give me the courage to call him and I hope he calls back. If he does not call back today, I think I need to really reconsider all of this. I never or rarely call him and ask for his time, and he knows it must be serious for me to call..so i hope he has the balls to call back

 

Thanks everyone

lfmm

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I would have a hard time with your situation.

I know that you say that MM would not lie to you again, but the lie he told is a biggie. Maybe he was scared of losing you.

 

I know the MM I am with states he has never told me a lie. He says that he will always be truthful with me, even if he says is what I don't want to hear. He did lie to me once about his feelings, telling me to go find someone else because he did not love me. This was his way of trying to let me go . . .

 

I trust the MM I am with. I know he is leaving his wife, and the waiting and being patient is the hardest part.

 

I say use your gut. If you are getting weird feelings / vibes - at least slow down and protect your heart.

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learnfrommymistakes

Mizz B

thanks. I agree with you. BOY if I was outsider on this, I would say RUN FORREST RUN and HEAD FOR THE HILLS and dont look back. I know his patterns a little bit and I think he just shuts down when it comes to real talk. he has had a rough life with a but load of drama and hard times, and he has never been to counseling or dealt with his issues, he is tough guy and just moves on, so I know he is not in tune with his feelings or able to express them when it comes to a hard talk.

 

Of course he is very able to discuss them when it comes to a hard...._ _ _ _ lol...that was rude, I am sorry. He is very passionate and complimentary and sweet he just cant handle the big stuff and its eating me up. I have been treated well, very, by other men, who were worthy of my time, and he is going to have to do some fancy footwork and soul searching if he wants to spend time with me, beyond this possible visit. I cant do this anymore, though i have sung this song a thousand times.

 

He is free now, so I imagine he will be dating his butt off...he was tied down a long time...

 

thanks for your support and response, they are all helping me get some KAHUNAS and speak my mind..or try...if he calls back, lol

 

i need a margarita, is it too early, lol

lfmm

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