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Ugh...


mybrowneyedgirl

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mybrowneyedgirl

posting from work so its got to be short.

 

so im sitting here today and in he walks. i think hes here for some other reason. he sits down next to me, starts talking about it. are you kidding me?

 

so i listen to these posts and try to clear it from my mind but its hard when i feel like im the only one doing nc. why can he send the letters, calls whatever and then talk to me when he wants?

 

i started to cry and told him i couldnt talk because i had to do my work. he tells me something like "it'll be ok." and then tells me to "keep your chin up."

 

im frustrated to say the least. of course i have feelings, but i have a new agenda now. but honestly im not strong enough to focus my attention on my husband, forget my feelings for MM and at the same time turn down a conversation that could possibly provide all of the answers im looking for.

 

of course i know i need to not participate. i did that, called H. but still, to me even him attempting to talk is keeping this thing going. maybe not in a lovey dovey affair sort of way but its keeping something going. its hard to turn the feelings off with him trying to talk.

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jennie-jennie

He most likely still has emotions for you. He has just been trying desperately to save his marriage lately. That really has nothing to do with you and him. Most likely nothing has really changed. I mean you knew he wanted his marriage, did you not? So now he is spending some time on saving it. When things calm down he will come back to you and see if you still want him or not. He is the same man that he was before. He just had to deal with a Dday, just like you did.

 

The question is, what do you want?

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Im sorry you are having a hard time try your best to focus on your job tomarrow will be better.You are going to have bad days.He was thinking about what he was feeling,Your husband will be there when you go home

try to stay strong we are behind you.

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mybrowneyedgirl

i want my marriage, my H, our life together with our children.

 

as far as MM. way too much hurt and damage. i could NEVER trust him again after the way this all went down.

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jennie-jennie
i want my marriage, my H, our life together with our children.

 

as far as MM. way too much hurt and damage. i could NEVER trust him again after the way this all went down.

 

Good, then you know what you want. Make sure you get that then. Do what you need to do.

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Is he talking about WORK stuff or personal stuff?

 

If it is personal, that is when you have to truly THINK OF YOUR FAMILY and tell him to STOP - the relationship is over and if he continues to try to talk to you about personal stuff, you will be forced to call his wife and expose his lies to her.

 

The affair is over. OVER.

 

Both of you have to come to terms with that and accept it. YOU are going to have to accept there will never be answers to whatever questions you have. I am not sure what questions you have anyway but they really aren't important.

 

What is important is your family. IF you really don't want to lose your marriage, you will stand up to him. And do NOT let him see you cry.

 

He is a cad and a jackas* . Remember that. Remember how quickly he pitched you aside in favor of HIS wife and family.

 

((hug))

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I'm SO sorry BEG. I know this had to be like ripping off a bandaid. I can't imagine being in the same room with me fMM, much less having a conversation. I know you want closure. I guess in my mind, so do I, but honestly is there such a thing in this situation?

 

Part of me feels blessed that he stays away and at the same time, cursed that he doesn't want to at least talk to me about it. I want to say "resolve this", but there is no such thing.

 

I know you are torn. I have no advice. I am at LS to keep myself from breaking NC -- and I have NO idea what I would do in your situation.

 

 

 

((HUGS))

 

MLH

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NowhereToHide

Oh BEG... I'm so sorry. You are really getting slammed with all of the emotions right now.

 

Here's what you have to remember.... he still is conflicted,too. He still has feelings for you. He is "working" on his marriage, but he is still torn. My xAP was/is the same way. One of us was always reaching out because we both still had feelings.

 

He knows your position. What he did today was selfish and cruel. He did it for HIMSELF. He did it to get a "fix" from you. His ego needed to see that you still had feelings for him. Please, next time he comes near you with the intention of talking about anything other than work, tell him before he opens his mouth that anything he says to you will be immediately relayed back to his wife in an email the minute he leaves your office.

 

He can't have it both ways, and he is still trying to have you both.

 

Hang in there. Stay strong. Call your husband and tell him once again that you love him and that you want your life together. It will help focus you on what's important.

 

(((hugs))))

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Is it possible to take some time off of work? Personal time, stress time, get a DR's note so you can take the time away to heal and also to start looking for another job. Seeing your exMM daily is NOT going to help you get over him, especially since he keeeps trying to talk to you personally at work. But, the next time he 'talks' to you like that, get up and leave the room, and tell him to leave you alone. Don't engage in that type of conversation with him.

 

Now might be the time for you and your H to write HIS wife an email, letting her know what he said to you at work. Remember, your number one priority now is your H, so don't go protecting exMM's feelings. HE is the one chasing after you, keeping the door open!

 

Be strong, you can do this!

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Just tell him that you dont want to talk to him unless it is necessary for business.

 

Its hard to be so blunt and you feel like you are hurting someone you once cared about (and still do) but you have to put yourself first.

 

He doesnt get to feel that its all OK with you and that everything is fine and you can carry on being friends - beleive me I know how quickly that turns into an EA.

 

I used to tell myself it wasnt because the talk wasnt lovey dovey. But it doesnt matter. Being in constant contact even on seemingly neutral matters only prolongs the bond between you.

 

Hang in there. It will get easier in time.

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IfWishesWereHorses

He sends YOU NC letters and call with his wife then initiates contact. Either have your H call him or send him a note or you call his W and tell her that there is NOWAY to have NC if he keeps initiating it. "It'll be ok":rolleyes: I hate that! For who? Call h is wife... "it'll be ok":mad:

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MBEG

 

 

Didn't you clarify in another thread that you got the email from MM saying that the affair was over and a later phone call from him but that nothing was actually said about NC.

 

Later you said you and your H were thinking about sending HIM a NC letter letting him know that he should leave you alone or you would tell his wife all the lies he expecting you to cover up for him.

 

DID you ever send him a NC letter?

 

If you haven't you should. Take initiative and responsibility for setting up and enforcing your own boundaries.

 

Maybe he will leave you alone if you actually TELL him to leave you alone and if he knows that you are so serious about this, that there will be consequences (you will tell his wife) if he doesn't comply.

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Untouchable_Fire

im frustrated to say the least. of course i have feelings, but i have a new agenda now. but honestly im not strong enough to focus my attention on my husband, forget my feelings for MM and at the same time turn down a conversation that could possibly provide all of the answers im looking for.

 

What answers do you need from him? :confused: He only has the power over your emotions that you give him. I realize it's not something where you just snap your fingers and move on... but your feeding this demon.

 

You should be thankful for the husband you have. How many other guys would take this? Most of us would spit in your face and walk.

 

Respect? Why is that missing from your marriage?

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Just tell him that you dont want to talk to him unless it is necessary for business.

 

Its hard to be so blunt and you feel like you are hurting someone you once cared about (and still do) but you have to put yourself first.

 

He doesnt get to feel that its all OK with you and that everything is fine and you can carry on being friends - beleive me I know how quickly that turns into an EA.

 

I used to tell myself it wasnt because the talk wasnt lovey dovey. But it doesnt matter. Being in constant contact even on seemingly neutral matters only prolongs the bond between you.

 

Hang in there. It will get easier in time.

 

Regarding the bolded part - Exactly!

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I really can't believe it, I finally agree with something NWTH has said. Just goes to show you;) Beg, Your ExAP is being incredibly selfish. This stunt alone, should wake you up to his lack of any true feelings for you. He knew how it would effect you , he knew it would be devestating, yet he did it anyway. What an a**hole!! Have your H call him or his wife and tell him in no uncertain terms to never do this again!!!

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Exactly! Hes telling his W look honey I cut it off, I love you, she meant nothing to me...

 

and then hes cozying up to you at work?

 

I dont think so....

 

I know your head is spinning right now but get mad. Get really angry that he is jerking you around like this.

 

Your heart is not a toy for him to play with. Yes hes hurting too, but let him talk to a friend whose heart he hasnt broken. You are not the one to console him and tell him its all OK.

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BEG...

 

He's fishing. Testing the waters. Seeing if he can reel you back in when HE WANTS.

 

Sadly, this is your life. Or at least as long as you have contact with him. I bet you know what I'm going to say next.

 

Yup...quit your job. Sorry. Unless one of you leaves, this is your new NORMAL. Every contact keeps the A, however thin, alive. Oh I know...its over. But honestly...its not. Witness your own reaction to him...how you react when anticipating seeing him. You gotta walk.

 

I would resign. Give your two weeks and resign. Don't put money before your sanity, your health, your family. Some say it only gets better...it doesn't. Some posters here have worked with their xAP for years. And it still haunts them. Still causes *****. They STILL struggle and suffer.

 

NC is NC. NO as in none. Not "At work only". Not "at the soccer field only". None. No contact.

 

Its hard. Some will say its impossible or not fair. Impossible? No. Fair? Doesn't matter - its NECESSARY.

 

Look at it this way...either way its hard. You can deal with him and this crap for x number of years or do a hard stop...quit, and go NC. Either way you and your family suffer. My way, you get the suffering over and done with. Or you can drag it out.

 

Choose.

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What really ticks me off on your behalf, BEG, is that he forced that situation on you, knowing you would be a captive audience, stuck at your work station. It totally put you on the spot, at a very inappropriate time.

 

Either he's oblivious, or highly manipulative..........................

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JW I see what you are saying but being one of those posters who still deals with it I dont agree.

 

Brown eyed, if you find a job that you want to take then yes leave. Run as fast as you can and get out.

 

But to leave to avoid him without a new job that you like where you think you will be happy? No. It took me a long time to get even remotely comfortable with having to deal with him, and now I rarely see him so its just emails etc, but to leave because of someone else? I wouldnt want to give him that power over me.

 

But your situation is different. You are married, you ahve a family to consider, your heartache doesnt impact only you.

 

Also you are an employee. If you can find a suitable position elsewhere go for it.

 

People were telling me to shut down my business and retrain in another field, just to avoid xMM -- as if...

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NowhereToHide
I really can't believe it, I finally agree with something NWTH has said. Just goes to show you;) Beg, Your ExAP is being incredibly selfish. This stunt alone, should wake you up to his lack of any true feelings for you. He knew how it would effect you , he knew it would be devestating, yet he did it anyway. What an a**hole!! Have your H call him or his wife and tell him in no uncertain terms to never do this again!!!

 

Now come on, Jack! We're not that far apart on things! :)

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I really can't believe it, I finally agree with something NWTH has said. Just goes to show you;) Beg, Your ExAP is being incredibly selfish. This stunt alone, should wake you up to his lack of any true feelings for you. He knew how it would effect you , he knew it would be devestating, yet he did it anyway. What an a**hole!! Have your H call him or his wife and tell him in no uncertain terms to never do this again!!!

 

The bold one is right again.

 

If he ever pulls a stunt like this again, tell him immediately to "Get the f#ck out of my office". Then phone your husband and tell him. I'm sure your husband calling the MM's boss will get his attention.

 

You're doing the right thing here. Chin Up, move forward not back

No retreat, no surrender.

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Oh, sweet lil BEG, somedays I just wanna scoop you up, take you off and hide you from the world, and then stab your fMM in the eyeball with my plastic fork! THE ROTTEN BASTARD!!!

 

He knows what he is doing, and he knows that you still have feelings for him. If he acts fast he may be able to salvage something with you. UGH is right!!

 

Tell him that if he doesn't leave you alone you are going to his wife.

 

And remember, not only did he throw you "under the bus" as is the LS term, but he continued to try to get you (and even your H) to know his lies so you could lie to his wife. REMEMBER how angry you were?/ Find that anger again. You can do this BEG. I know you can.

 

Your husband is still there, still loving you so much that he is willing to fight to keep his marriage with you. Go right now to the mirror and tell yourself this over and over.. "My HUSBAND LOVES ME BEYOND COMPARE."

 

Move your focus to where it needs to be.... and if all else fails, I can lend you my plastic fork.

 

((hugs))

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bentnotbroken

Now it's time to pull out the big girl britches.

 

1) when he starts conversations, stop him by asking, "is this work related?" If his response is the crap he pulled today....

 

2)tell him, "just a minute I need to turn on my tape recorder, because I am keeping nothing from my H.....or you wife. NC means NC"

 

3) if he is suck a dumb azz that he continues the conversation, began taking notes...stop him and ask him if you quoted him correctly as you have no desire to put words in his mouth.

 

4)show him that same anger you display here.

 

5)really do tell your H ever step he takes out of line. It helps to rebuild trust between you and your H and shows him that you really do want this to be a thing in your past.

 

6) if he doesn't get the hint, maybe HR will.

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OP, have you never had a real man? Someone who will do exactly what they say, and say what they will do? It's a shame more women can't experience a true Ladie's man at least once in their lives. To love a woman , when she wants love, to listen to a woman , when she wants to be heard, to dominate a woman , when she wants to surrender, to take what she will give , and be her Rock.. Your Bf is a puss, get another.

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MBEG, my dear girl....*hugs*...I know you do not want to go the HR route...but don't you think you seriously need to think about doing so? He is harassing you....I say go to HR, threaten to sue for sexual harassment and get him off your back. The way he is acting, he does not need your protection.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You should be thankful for the husband you have. How many other guys would take this? Most of us would spit in your face and walk.

 

How did you get yourself in that group? Are you not the adulterer? Did your wife spit on your face?

 

Respect? Why is that missing from your marriage?
This is a rhetorical question, right? Because you must know the answer to that...after all you disrespected your marriage yourself!
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