WW "it wasn't about the sex" -

[Blindsidedagainalive]

My WW had a 1 month EA, followed by a 3 month PA with a coworker 2 years ago.

She was 39, OM was 53 (I was 43).

 

She said that she was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to.

Okay, she said that she was not attracted to him, he just seemed interested and seemed to care.

 

I wondered why a PA was necessary is she was already getting attention from the EA.

 

She had sex with OM a total of 13 times in a car in the park.

She said that it was quick sex, and not very enjoyable.

She also said that he had a very small penis. She said that he would joke about his small size.

 

So, I wonder if she is minimizing the sex enjoyment to spare my ego.....or is this possible.

 

BECAUSE.....If she was having unenjoyable sex with a baby dicked man, why wouldn't she try to avoid sex with him. She never refused him sex. She could easily said 'I have my period' at least a few times if she just wanted attention. Any man would accept not having sex in a park when you have your period.

Is she lying, or is this entirely possible.

She said it was about the attention, not the sex......doesn't make sense....why have sex then.

[Fallen Angel]

I think she very well could be telling you the truth about it not being about the sex for her.

 

Women and men just think differently, in GENERAL (I don't want to seem as though I am speaking for all women.) In my opinion, most women will have unfulfilling sex with a partner because we care about them emotionally. We want to fulfill his physical needs since he is fulfilling our emotional needs. So, even if the sex isn't mindblowing, we overlook that because of all the other gifts we percieve ourselves to be recieving from the man.

 

But for what it is worth, in my opinion, a woman who is doing this is someone who cares deeply for the man they are having sex with, it is not something someone would do for just 'any man'. To stay in an unfulfilling sexual relationship, she had to truly feel as though all her other needs were being met, which makes the lack of sexual desire easier to overlook. That is just my opinion, I am sure others will disagree.

[jwi71]

My WW had a 1 month EA, followed by a 3 month PA with a coworker 2 years ago.

She was 39, OM was 53 (I was 43).

 

She said that she was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to.

Okay, she said that she was not attracted to him, he just seemed interested and seemed to care.

 

I wondered why a PA was necessary is she was already getting attention from the EA.

 

She had sex with OM a total of 13 times in a car in the park.

She said that it was quick sex, and not very enjoyable.

She also said that he had a very small penis. She said that he would joke about his small size.

 

So, I wonder if she is minimizing the sex enjoyment to spare my ego.....or is this possible.

 

BECAUSE.....If she was having unenjoyable sex with a baby dicked man, why wouldn't she try to avoid sex with him. She never refused him sex. She could easily said 'I have my period' at least a few times if she just wanted attention. Any man would accept not having sex in a park when you have your period.

Is she lying, or is this entirely possible.

She said it was about the attention, not the sex......doesn't make sense....why have sex then.

 

The easiest lies to tell are the unverifiable ones.

You can't verify his size.

You can't verify how many times.

You can't verify how enjoyable it was.

 

All you can do is believe her...or not. Your choice.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

my A was not about the sex. the sex was amazing, added to the emotions, but not the basis.

 

and i agree with some others that what shes telling you is probably a lie. my AP's wife has numbers, dates, places etc of our sexual incounters. Truth is they dont match up to even 1/10 of the times we did it.

[JumpinJimmy]

BSAL, sorry to hear about your situation. The answer to your question is in your post itself.

She said that she was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to.

Okay, she said that she was not attracted to him, he just seemed interested and seemed to care.

 

I wondered why a PA was necessary is she was already getting attention from the EA

 

I think I can help clarify this one, and maybe can do it in a thousand words or less. I have been on BS for a month now, and based on my experience (as a single OM to a MW), experiences of a close male friend, what is common knowledge about men and women, and the umpteen million posts here in infidelity and the OM/OW, I feel confindent in saying that in most cases..no absolutes here...women seek out affairs for the emotional part(which you already know), and men seek them out for the physical part. The OM entice and pursue women by giving them their emotional needs that are typically not being met at home..ie attention, non-sexual affection, appreciation, understanding...etc (but you already knew this), and in exchange, the women eventually give them the part that the men desire..the physical part, even though the women may find them sexually un-attractive. Your wife sounds like she gave into him to continue receiving the emotional end of things that she desired. This behavior even carries on into everyday courtship.... again based on my experiences when I was single, what is common knowledge with men and women, and think back to when you were dating, most men will only purse and emotionally fufill the needs of a dating partner for so long until the woman "gives up the goods" so to speak, or the man moves on. It sounds crude, over simplified, and is not what most of the women on here want to hear, but it is true 90% of the time.

Edited October 31, 2009 by JumpinJimmy

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, I wonder if she is minimizing the sex enjoyment to spare my ego.....

 

This will be something that will eat you alive, but will be better left alone. It won't be easy to let it go, but it is an absolute must in the long run.

[someonesangel]

This is funny as I just told my MM the same thing.

 

We had fantastic, amazing, hot sex..... and even so ---- has nothing to do with us and is not what is important. We do love to kiss and feel each other close, and that was an amazing treat on Thursday night.... (and I do know we should not even be doing that).... but that is intimacy and emotion... the " fun/hot" sex is the easiest part to give up.... hands down and even if our sex was vanilla it would not be why we are here today.

 

The core of EA's is the feelings and initially the understanding felt by the OP.... that if not discovered or ended can end up being the most difficult type of affair to overcome.

 

Believe her and whatever you do - do not minimize the what she is telling you, the truth - physical lopsided affairs are much more tangible and recoverable, imo. When emotional needs is the primary need being met in the affair it is far more difficult to really dig deep to find what needs to be worked on.