outofthedark Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 For those of you that started out as the ow/om and ended up with your om/ow after you left your marriage or they left theirs.. how did you handle meeting their family. I am NOT talking about children. Im talking about parents, siblings, aunts uncles etc. This is also assuming that the family is well aware that your relationship started out as an affair! I would really appreciate any feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Wish I had time to post my story. You can click on my username for my info. I'll check back tomorrow! Link to post Share on other sites
GypsyRayne Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I was a MOW to a MM. We are now married. They all knew we were having an A. I met his family the first time before his divorce, I think. They live in another country. They were nice enough to me, I guess. His dad and mom, but they kept bringing up his ex. Two of his sisters were both very kind to me. His other sister, who I didn't meet at the same time, I met her after we were married, was very unfriendly. Kept bringing up his ex, even made it a point to call her and talk to her on the phone. She told him that she hoped he didn't marry me, she didn't agree with it. He didn't even tell her we were already married. She is still very rude and short with me, like she thinks she is better than me. She still makes it a point to talk about his ex. When she calls her she even uses a different voice than when she talks to me. It is so sickening. Truthfully his family still makes me feel like his OW even though it has been 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Gypsy I am sure that feels awful but it could happen just as easily if he married someone he met after he divorced and the family was upset he divorced and they still kept talking about the ex wife. Or to a woman who is constantly compared to an ex girlfriend. Frankly its ignorant and rude on their part. Their brother has chosen to spend his life with you. Out of respect for him they should be polite to you. Sometimes it just takes time. Hang in there. Luckly you dont have to see them too much. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Gypsy I am sure that feels awful but it could happen just as easily if he married someone he met after he divorced and the family was upset he divorced and they still kept talking about the ex wife. Or to a woman who is constantly compared to an ex girlfriend. Frankly its ignorant and rude on their part. Their brother has chosen to spend his life with you. Out of respect for him they should be polite to you. Sometimes it just takes time. Hang in there. Luckly you dont have to see them too much. I agree. How rude! Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 I clicked... I shuddered. I am you, you are me...oh hell. Im living what you have lived..... I can see how this site has brought you insight and help and healing. Your story has motivated me to share my own, maybe I can get the help/insight I need. Thank you. I cant say it enough, thank you thank you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Well OOD, do you think that she may be justified in thinking less of you considering that you and your now current husband did cheat on your spouses, which besides being a tremendous social taboo and betrayal, also goes contrary to most know religions teachings? What do you expect, open arms by everyone? Cheating in a marriage is not looked upon very well by people with successfull, happy marriages themselves. Perhaps looking at your situation from someone elses perspective might help, or maybe I am I writing things that people don't want to hear.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 We aren't married. - guess what I was wondering was this. I know that the family has questions, should I offer them up? Also it should be noted that his entire family disliked his wife. His mother hates her. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I wouldn't volunteer anything....it would seem that you're trying to justify what your situation was (I don't know the details). You can't force people to like you. Just time, the strength of your character, and reputation about yourself that you build will change their opinion of you. It doens't look like you have big shoes to fill, so it may be a short time. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I married my MM. The most nerve wracking was meeting his children. But that turned out fine. There are definitely challenges blending a family, but it keeps getting better as time goes on. My H's parents have been deceased for a couple decades. He is not close to his siblings who live several states away. I have met my brother and sister-in-law and was surprised at how accepting and welcoming they were. (They are also my parents age.) I think it's normal to be nervous. They never asked me any questions about how our R started, although they know. Just be yourself. If you don't feel comfortable answering their questions, don't. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted November 1, 2009 Author Share Posted November 1, 2009 My view (thus my name here) is that I will no longer live in the dark, the shadows or hide anything. Though I will not just offer up details, I feel that I must now live my life honestly and open. I remember when my MM told his mother about us and her reply was "who are you, I dont even know you". Also that I must have no self esteem to be with him. my nervousness isnt that she liked the wife (oh she hated her, and his wife hated his family) and it caused major problems as he felt he could never visit his mother due to his wife. I guess it is just that lingering feeling that I have regarding what was said before. To my knowledge she hasn't said anything negative about me since. I will be spending 2 days with her and his siblings next week and I know that at some point she and I will be alone. I want to tell her how much I love her son etc but Im afraid it ma lead into ikky details she will dig for. Should I initiate this conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 I have read all the posts and thought about if one of my children would bring this situation to our family. It's not so much the cheating(though pretty bad in my book). But as a parent, I would look at what my child did wrong and the person who aided them in that wrong. Cheating is just the offence in question...it would be the same if they helped them steal, kill or destroy. I would have to question the character of the person who would do that and why they would aid in such a destructive offense. I would question why they would feel the need to help lie and then wonder if I could believe whatever they say to me. I mean the capability has already been displayed with the deceit it requires to maintain an A. Then I would question the self respect of a person who would allow themselves to be involved in such a situation. I would question their coping skills, their reasoning capacity and the wonder what is the baseline of what they won't do in the name of so called "love"(I watch a lot of evening news and snapped:rolleyes:)people don't seem to use a lot of common sense when love and sex are the guiding principles. Then I would ask my child, how do they expect me to trust someone who has shown so little disregard for the welfare of others, what would they do to me if I stood in the way of what they wanted? Not saying my thought process is right, but these are the things that I have no doubt I would ask. People don't just see the original offense, they place themselves in the "wondering/what if" position. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted November 1, 2009 Author Share Posted November 1, 2009 You gave me something to chew on there, thanks. Some of the things you said are almost exactly what my own mother has said regarding this mess I have created and my MM. She no longer trusts my judgement and I know she has lost a lot of respect for me. She disliked my xH a lot but wanted me out and alone, not out and where I am now. She has no desire to meet him (MM), or talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 my mother was supportive. disappointed in my choices but still attempted to be supportive. said "you should have picked someone who wasnt married." i know she was disgusted that he was so much older. and in her own way tried to be supportive and say that he took advantage of me. older, wiser, my superior at work. i am by no means a dumb girl who got taken advantage of, but i guess in her years of experience shes seen this all too often. im embarrassed. sad that my mother has to know that ive done something so terrible. she kept waiting for me to deny it, but i didnt. i now know she NEVER would have accepted him...and i tend to think the same would go for his family of me. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 For those of you that started out as the ow/om and ended up with your om/ow after you left your marriage or they left theirs.. how did you handle meeting their family. I am NOT talking about children. Im talking about parents, siblings, aunts uncles etc. This is also assuming that the family is well aware that your relationship started out as an affair! I would really appreciate any feedback. I met his family - and his friends, and colleagues - early on in the A. We were openly a couple to them. Everyone was very welcoming. They cared for him and wanted what was best for him. Also it should be noted that his entire family disliked his wife. His mother hates her. This was the same, in our case. I think they were genuinely pleased that he'd finally found someone who wasn't a toxic nutcase, and they supported him strongly through the D and our subsequent M. Most of the time they don't mention his xW out of respect for the kids - but sometimes they just hug me out of the blue, and they make it clear how happy they are for us, and how happy it makes them to see him finally happy. We live in a really tiny village, where everyone knows everyone's business, and not ever have I encountered any kind of negative vibe off anyone. The most was some curiosity from a former colleague of the xW's, that I met in a professional situation, who was interested to meet the woman (me) she'd heard so much about from other colleagues... but her interest seemed genuine and not malicious. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Well OOD, do you think that she may be justified in thinking less of you considering that you and your now current husband did cheat on your spouses, which besides being a tremendous social taboo and betrayal, also goes contrary to most know religions teachings? What do you expect, open arms by everyone? Cheating in a marriage is not looked upon very well by people with successfull, happy marriages themselves. Perhaps looking at your situation from someone elses perspective might help, or maybe I am I writing things that people don't want to hear.... The rudeness and superiority could also be due to any number of reasons. Perhaps the first W was a submissive wall flower and would do anything for the superior sister-in-law? Perhaps she was a good baby-sitter for her or her family had more money and could benefit her brother better? We don't know all the motives involved, yet, the H in this story has decided to make an 'honest woman' out of his OW and his family should honor that. I'd question the motives of the sister-in-law. She lost something with the ex-wife and is not getting it with the current one/OP. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 I'd question the motives of the sister-in-law. She lost something with the ex-wife and is not getting it with the current one/OP. Then again, there are plenty of people who just have vehement, but not necessarily rational, prejudices - as we've seen on here aplenty! She may simply feel threatened by the notion of an OW winning out - perhaps she's insecure in her own R? - or she may feel that It's A Sin or she may be one of the haters that post on here about how OW should be stoned to death... Hard to say. But it's her problem, not Gypsy's. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Then again, there are plenty of people who just have vehement, but not necessarily rational, prejudices - as we've seen on here aplenty! She may simply feel threatened by the notion of an OW winning out - perhaps she's insecure in her own R? - or she may feel that It's A Sin or she may be one of the haters that post on here about how OW should be stoned to death... Hard to say. But it's her problem, not Gypsy's. Definitely could be any suggestion between us but the end decision is Gypsy's-put the sis-in-law on ignore! Link to post Share on other sites
TogetherForever Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I clicked... I shuddered. I am you, you are me...oh hell. Im living what you have lived..... I can see how this site has brought you insight and help and healing. Your story has motivated me to share my own, maybe I can get the help/insight I need. Thank you. I cant say it enough, thank you thank you!!! It worked out in my case though OOTD. Good luck to you. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 How can I begin to attempt to justify this to anyone, no one but my AP and I understand the inner workings of this, so why justify it? For skewed acceptance? Naa... hell I cannot even justify my behavior to myself! I am meeting the family because I haven't given up on him or this relationship. I also firmly believe that his mother has a right to meet her grandchild! I dont want the family to "understand or empathize" with me at all, they never will and I never expect them too! But I do expect some sort of politeness. I do hope for eventual acceptance. My question was posted here so that I could see what has happened in others situations and to get feedback on how much I should open up and initiate how he and I got together. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Then again, there are plenty of people who just have vehement, but not necessarily rational, prejudices - as we've seen on here aplenty! She may simply feel threatened by the notion of an OW winning out - perhaps she's insecure in her own R? - or she may feel that It's A Sin or she may be one of the haters that post on here about how OW should be stoned to death... Hard to say. But it's her problem, not Gypsy's. OW, it is the OP's problem now, since she is the one trying to gain acceptance. As far as haters, stoners, and I love this one....vehement, but not necessarily rational, prejudices , and such, versus the OW posters here that think they have done no wrong, there is an area in between. As I mentioned maybe I am I writing things that people don't want to hear.... , most people view adultery as a very serious violation of a social taboo that has been the norm (marriage) for thousands of years, hence the OP is fighting an uphill battle. It is one thing to accept the sinner but it is another to accept the sin. Now, you may have a different set of personal values and beliefs, but 98% of the adults still think that adultery is wrong and you are not doing the OP a favor by advising her to tell her mother-in-law that it is her problem. BTW, most people's oppositon to cheating in a marriage is rational, your justification is not, since what would be the point of marriage then? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Then again, there are plenty of people who just have vehement, but not necessarily rational, prejudices - as we've seen on here aplenty! She may simply feel threatened by the notion of an OW winning out - perhaps she's insecure in her own R? - or she may feel that It's A Sin or she may be one of the haters that post on here about how OW should be stoned to death... Hard to say. But it's her problem, not Gypsy's. What has OOTD won again? Her bf REFUSES to MARRY her. Oh, he'll knock her up alright...but when it comes time to honor OOTD and legitimize their R...he chooses to honor his W. Sorry Owoman, ootd hasn't won. What she has is a bf. She has a wonderful baby (unless colicky, then not so wonderful). The only issue is...he is STILL married and REFUSES to change it. I think the meeting with her bf's family is fraught with peril for her. You may not like JJ response or delivery...but I think its accurate. It IS an uphill battle and it HAS nothing to do with her bf's W. Its about their R...which, to be honest, IS taboo for most. We already KNOW the mother has no problems treating people she doesn't like with disdain...There is a HUGE downside risk here. I suppose my test to this is if my son was in this situation. Well, my son wouldn't be so stupid to bring the OW over, pregnant or not. I would eviscerate them both. That's what I fear happens to ootd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 Endless nights without sleep (not relating to the baby) Endless worrying and wonder Self doubt Lowered self esteem Guilt Insecurity and unsecurity A huge bill at the shrinks office A bottle of xanax and anti-depressants I haven't won anything. It aggravates me when I hear "the mistress wins again" cuz for a lot of us, there isnt a real "prize" waiting on the other side! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 I know the expectation is one of politeness, but that isn't a given or even a fair expectation. The truth is, you only can hope for politeness. To an extent, you have set yourself(with help of MM) for anything but where the family is concerned. I hope they don't behave badly around future baby, but be prepared, you may not get what you expect or even what you hope for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author outofthedark Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 I hear you. Though a bit harsh at times, you do make well stated points. Baby is already here though, not a future baby but an alive and well genetic replica of MM and I. That is why I am going, as she requested it. For her to meet her grandchild. Based on the fact she requested this, I do expect politeness. Thanks for your insight, much appreciated!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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