Why would an OW want to be with a MM who had multiple OOW during their Affair?

[moaningmyrtle]

I understand and understand why you would wonder about an OW.

 

I can only speak for myself, I love him and I also was aware of the secrets and hidden world he kept for years. The honesty we had in terms of who we were was something that created the intimacy and love that we shared.

 

Now, funny because this will totally throw you off. He was also a serial cheater for many many years with only one Affair ( me). I knew this and always told him if he ever went out of our relationship ( I was not silly to believe they didn't have sex, but also did not believe I had any right to judge that and it was something I accepted early on), but any other extra activities and I would be gone.

 

So while you ask about the OW staying, I am still baffled ( in general as well) by BS primarily those that have had multiple DDays or by those that stay after a long term Affair or multiple years of cheating.

 

Again, only my experience in the boards, my own etc..... Serial cheaters or those that have for lack of a better word disrespected their SO for years, imo it is only a matter of time before the itch is back. I personally could never trust fully again and knowing all I do now about A and Infidelity I also know WS truly do get better at the game after a DDay and make it difficult to be found out.

 

I am certainly not judging those that choose to stay and I understand the reasons and the history but I guess I struggle with the How. I honestly don't think I could do it.

 

I could potentially handle a One Night Stand but anything of an emotional connection or any longevity in the pattern and I truly don't think I could do it.

 

This is from another discussion but we have got off the topic.

 

First of all the OW of my H was unaware of his other activities - none of which involved any emotional connection or longevity.

 

My H confessed everything to me on d-day and begged me to not leave him. Little did he know I was in no fit state to make any meaningful decisions.

 

He didn't want me to tell the OW anything about his "other activities". It's probably the same as a MM not wanting his OW to spill the beans to his W. There is an implication that he has trusted her with his secrets and there might be a bad outcome if the OW tells all to the W. Occasionally there arrives on LS an OW who has in fact told the wife and generally it has not gone well for her.

 

I felt this too but decided to call his bluff - I thought that if me telling the OW about his OOW would result in my H leaving me then so be it - he wasn't worth fighting for. He presented it to me as him not wanting her to be further hurt - but I in my injured state interpreted it as him caring more for her feelings than mine. After all if I knew about all his infidelities to me then she could know about all his infidelities that occurred during their A. They were actually infidelities to me rather than her anyway.

 

I don't think she beleived me and thought I was saying it just to deter her so she asked him about it. He didn't deny it to her and yes she was very hurt. She was married too and it seemed that me, her and her H had all potentially been exposed to STDs by my H.

 

I do believe him when he said he loved both of us but whether she still believes him I don't know. I was the only one who said if he wants me he can't have others though (not the OW or anyone else). She was obviously willing to share him with me but not with others - is this like you?

 

I get the impression that you are meeting him soon and would still like him to leave her for you. If so you are in a similar position to me - contemplating staying with a serial cheater who may get the itch again as you aptly put it. My advice would be don't go there, especially if in not being with him you don't have to break up a family and a life that you and he have together. If I were on the other side of the fence I wouldn't consider furthering my relationship with such a man no matter how great he is and how much I cared. I am stuck - I am already with him so I will make the best of it and strive to have the best relationship I can with him.

 

Good luck

 

I have to provide a title for this thread so I'll call it "Why would an OW want to be with a MM who had multiple OOW during their Affair?". It's an interesting question anyway so feel free to discuss or answer.

[sammyA]

As odd as it may sound, if I were ever to find out my MM had an OOW even before me, I would be devastated. Only because he has told me that he has never done this before and never will again. That is what I'm told and that is what I believe to be true.

 

Yes the only person I am willing to share him with is his wife, and that is hard enough to deal with. I only share him because I haveno other choice. The way he talks about being with me makes me feel set apart from any other girl that would come his way.

 

When I finally do find the will to leave, if I ever found out that he was continuing to cheat with another AP, heartbroken wouldn't cover it.

 

I've never thought about this before..... And wait a sec.... Did I answer the question right? I think I did......?.?

[moaningmyrtle]

As odd as it may sound, if I were ever to find out my MM had an OOW even before me, I would be devastated. Only because he has told me that he has never done this before and never will again. That is what I'm told and that is what I believe to be true.

 

Yes the only person I am willing to share him with is his wife, and that is hard enough to deal with. I only share him because I haveno other choice. The way he talks about being with me makes me feel set apart from any other girl that would come his way.

 

When I finally do find the will to leave, if I ever found out that he was continuing to cheat with another AP, heartbroken wouldn't cover it.

 

I've never thought about this before..... And wait a sec.... Did I answer the question right? I think I did......?.?

 

Thanks for answering - there's no right or wrong answer. I think my H's OW felt the same way. I have a strong suspicion that my H is not unique. It's why there is a saying "once a cheater always...".

 

I also think it's the reason that many relationships arising out of an A do not work and also why many marriages where there has been an A, fail down the track.

 

When I think about it too deeply it hurts to know that I may yet again ride the roller-coaster.

[MizzBlue72]

It would kill me to think that MM had OOW. Yeah, I wouldn't continue the A. I love him, but would have to let him go.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

As odd as it may sound, if I were ever to find out my MM had an OOW even before me, I would be devastated. Only because he has told me that he has never done this before and never will again. That is what I'm told and that is what I believe to be true.

 

 

This is what my father told his OW--who he married, and cheated on the whole time. Even given the evidence, she still didn't believe it.

 

After he died, I was contacted by SEVERAL OW, who so thoughtfully provided me with photos of them with him on different trips he took throughout his affairage--trips his OW/Wife thought were 'with the guys'. hahahahaha...it was fun sharing those with her. These women sent me emails and poems my father had written them...I assume wanting to legitimize themselves as part of his life, and they weren't just making it all up.

[someonesangel]

 

I do believe him when he said he loved both of us but whether she still believes him I don't know. I was the only one who said if he wants me he can't have others though (not the OW or anyone else). She was obviously willing to share him with me but not with others - is this like you?

 

 

 

During the affair I was willing to accept his wife, obviously I had made that choice when getting involved with a MM and while we did not discuss their marriage I did not fool myself into believing they never had sex. So, during it I knew it was part of the deal.

 

To ask me now though, NO I have been very clear that I will never take on the position of the "OW" again. Much like you and I am sure his BS, I have been very clear that he must make a decision.

 

What I have chosen to do is have LC because I also know none of us were in a position to make a clear decision post DDay. I have not been a crutch or an emotional shoulder and while we briefly talk I have worked on my issues and the questions that I am sure she has had to work through as well. Do I want to continue, what would have to change, what would change and the reality of the challenges we would be faced with. I have tried to remain very honest with me, the only one I can be accountable for.

 

 

I get the impression that you are meeting him soon and would still like him to leave her for you. If so you are in a similar position to me - contemplating staying with a serial cheater who may get the itch again as you aptly put it. My advice would be don't go there, especially if in not being with him you don't have to break up a family and a life that you and he have together.

The only reason I would consider it, is the truth is he was honest with me from the get go. I know why and who he seen and I also know why he did not have an affair prior to myself. Many will argue it, but we had full honesty, and as I said it is the reason the relationship was as intimate as it was.

 

 

If I were on the other side of the fence I wouldn't consider furthering my relationship with such a man no matter how great he is and how much I cared. I am stuck - I am already with him so I will make the best of it and strive to have the best relationship I can with him.

 

Good luck

 

 

Please don't take offense but this is a stumbling block for me. " I am stuck", for the history, the kids, the money, the past, because I love him.

 

No one is ever stuck and to stay when you feel as if you are, imo is an awful place to be. "making the best" of Life is more than just living on the past relationship and to be honest, I truly believe it teaches far more damaging lessons to children, family, etc.

 

I also personally believe the MM has cheated and gotten away with it... and that makes the M far more vulnerable. Again just imo.

 

My MM thought she would leave, and I still believe if she had he would have walked out of the door and moved on. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy, and truth most men do not end the marriage, and imo - primarily for that reason.

 

 

On a different ( might get killed for this) thought.

 

 

I don't know if anyone watchs Mad Men, but last Sunday's episode was pivotal to most of us that have been in an Affair.

 

 

Don ( who truly always has his pants down) is having another affair, wife finds out about something else and he puts the cooler on it. Nothing different that what his character has done all along.

 

But Roger very different scene and I honestly was impressed that the Director could lead it there or even have the insight.

 

Roger left his wife of many years to go with a much much younger woman. Many including Don are "distugsted" by his decision and have not shown them much support. On the episode Sunday, he meets a woman who he has previously cheated on his first wife with many times.

 

Dinner, drinks.... she throws himself at him and his reponse. " It isn't like that with this woman, I am sorry"

 

I know many will rip me apart for that - but personally I thought it was extremly insightful.

[donnamaybe]

It isn't like that with this woman, I am sorry"

 

Wait until he's been with her for awhile and she's "old news."

[someonesangel]

Wait until he's been with her for awhile and she's "old news."

 

 

Haha.... very possible!

[Holding-On]

not everyone is monogamous.

[donnamaybe]

Haha.... very possible!

 

Let's face it. Some people, both men AND women, are just never going to be satisfied. They'll ALWAYS be looking for the next new "flavor of the month."

[donnamaybe]

not everyone is monogamous.

 

And they don't HAVE to be, but to pretend they are to suck someone in is just plain wrong. Seriously. If someone wants to get with a possible love interest but they KNOW damn well they are going to cheat, they should be up front about their viewpoint. But no. They hide it so they can get in the next person's pants.

[jennie-jennie]

"Why would an OW want to be with a MM who had multiple OOW during their Affair?"

 

You don't stop loving a man just because he is unfaithful to you.

 

In both my long term relationships with SOs, my partners cheated on me. I stayed because I loved them, hoping it would not happen again.

 

I figure this can be true for an OW just as it can for a BS.

[Holding-On]

Donna I 100% agree with you but I was not talking about the MM.

I was talking about the OW.

 

It would depend on her.

Maybe her outlook would be more like 2Sure's used to be or Lizzie's is.

[someonesangel]

Donna I 100% agree with you but I was not talking about the MM.

I was talking about the OW.

 

It would depend on her.

Maybe her outlook would be more like 2Sure's used to be or Lizzie's is.

 

 

I understand what you are trying to say * I think.

 

I was open to a little bit of spicy play and even in allowing him to indulge some of his other pleasures, and was fine with all of it on one condition - That I was fully aware.

[Lizzie60]

I have to say that I honestly don't think that my MM is seeing other women... I could swear he's not.

 

They have hardly the time to be with ONE OW, how can they find the time to be with several..

 

Some MM will have more than one.. especially those who travel a lot..then they might have one in each city... that's very possible..

 

but one who lives close by... and who doesn't travel for work... naahh. I don't think so. Most MM, IMO, have only ONE OW... they can't afford to get caught.. plus they don't have the time.

[Fallen Angel]

This is what my father told his OW--who he married, and cheated on the whole time. Even given the evidence, she still didn't believe it.

 

After he died, I was contacted by SEVERAL OW, who so thoughtfully provided me with photos of them with him on different trips he took throughout his affairage--trips his OW/Wife thought were 'with the guys'. hahahahaha...it was fun sharing those with her. These women sent me emails and poems my father had written them...I assume wanting to legitimize themselves as part of his life, and they weren't just making it all up.

 

I take it there is no love lost between yourself and your step mother?? OUCH!

[NoIDidn't]

This thread reminds me of one of my favorite songs.

 

It basically has a chorus that includes agreeing to be the other woman, as long as you were the only other woman (outside of the W) that the MM makes love to.

 

I don't think most people would agree to see a MM if they knew they had to share him with more than just his W. That would defeat the whole purpose of hoping for him to divorce and marry them one day, or at least be available for a legitimate exclusive relationship after he divorces.

[Fallen Angel]

My MM originally did have an OOW. He has been a serial cheater throughout his marriage. When I found out about it, I was furious. It was bad enough he had not told me he was married, but then to find out he had had another woman on the side too? It was too much.

 

I told him that it was not my nature to be in an affair at all, but to expect me to be in an affair with him while he continued affairs with yet other women was beyond possibilty. I wished him well, and said goodbye.

 

He admitted that he had never had any intention of falling in love when we started our EA, that he never thought it would even be an EA (we had just been good friends and we never planned to be more it just happened) and had figured that with me it would never go anywhere other than the EA because of the fact that he was married. So while he was "falling in love with me" he thought it would always be unrequited, and would always be an affair of the mind, so he continued with an occasional fling now and then. One of his flings continued to have occasional email and phone contact with him after our R went PA. (Though it was limited, and according to her, she chased him, and he tried avoidance often *shrug*)

 

But when I found out about the OOW and said goodbye he did for me what MM often do on D-Day. He told all. He called OOW and told her that he had made a huge mistake and that he no longer wanted contact with her. He told her he loved me, and was not willing to lose me because of her. (Sounds crazy, I know. Yes I see the sickness of it all) He told her that he was sorry, and to please leave him alone so that he could try to fix things with me. (Yes, I do know this is fact, she was emailing me furiously telling me what he was saying to her. I will give her this.. she told me that she thought he meant it when he told her how hurting me was the biggest mistake he had ever made, and she told me that he just kept saying to her that he loved me, and she said that she was jealous as that was something he had never told her.. UGH.. the sickness grows!!)

 

Anyway, he offered me email and website passwords, he always gives me his hotel room phone numbers, and has me call him anytime, even at 3 am if i want and he always answers. He calls me as soon as he leaves work, and talks to me until he gets home on nights he goes to his house, then he logs on to the computer to message me...

 

The fOOW has contacted him twice since then that I know of.

 

3 months after our lil d-day (I say lil d-day instead of D-Day here because it is insignificant compared to a D-Day with me and his W) he called me during his working day and told me that she had called and left him a message. He said he had not answered the phone when he saw her number, and asked if I wanted him to save the message so I could hear it. She called again about a month later, and again he called me right away to tell me. Her last message said that since he wouldn't answer her calls or call back, she guessed he had been able to fix things with me, and she wished us well. To my knowledge that was their last contact.

 

Could he be lying, and still be in contact with her? Of course.

Could he have found someone else and is having another affair with yet another OW? Certainly.

 

But I love him, and as far as I can tell he has been transparent with me, and I had to either trust him, or get the hell out of Dodge. And I chose to trust him. After all, I was nothing but his OW and he did that to prove to me that he was sincere, he didn't have to, he could have just let me go and kept her... She was far less demanding of his time and emotional connection than I am.

 

(and please before you point out the extreme sickness of all of this.. YES I do see it, more clearly everyday.)

Edited October 30, 2009 by Fallen Angel

[Spoiled]

I know of one MM who had multiple OW and his W only found out about one. I doubt ANY of the OW knew about each other. He has ~14 days to give me a million bucks or I'm TELLIN'.

[tami-chan]

Why would an OW want to be with a MM who had multiple OOW during their Affair?

 

I imagine because she truly loves him and wants to be THE one who made the difference in his life....I mean, my gosh, perhaps at some point he will stop and actually just stick to one...and why not her?

[outofthedark]

"I am stuck - I am already with him so I will make the best of it and strive to have the best relationship I can with him."

 

Couldn't have written it better myself!

[skylarblue]

"Why would an OW want to be with a MM who had multiple OOW during their Affair?”

I’m not in love with my MM nor do I hope for an exclusive R post-divorce with him, but I still wouldn’t accept him with OOW. For me, the A would lose all its allure if there was anyone other than his W. I couldn’t say I’d be surprised if it happened since I know he is a cheater. It would be a blow to my ego more than anything else.

[Spark1111]

Because just like the BS, she doesn't know of the existence of them., IMHO

 

I do not believe an BOW's pain is any different than a BWs pain.

 

He keeps his life compartmentalized, and in his confusion, still seeks that rush or thrill or whatever.

 

My WS, unhappy with me, was now growing somewhat unhappy with her, and began to ....trawl old girlfriends, new flirting partners, etc.

 

She never knew the evidence the cell phone records showed on DDAY, and I surely would never tell her. Why compound pain with more pain?

 

Ultimately, the unhappiness lied within himself, and neither of us could fix it. He had to fix himself.

[jj33]

Myrtle are you still married to your H?

[moaningmyrtle]

Myrtle are you still married to your H?

 

 

yes