mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 our kids both have a function and we'll both be there. i thought about cancelling, but it will be at the disadvantage of my children and i refuse to do that to them. so im preparing. scared to death. filled with anxiety and emotions that i dont know how to deal with. i have dreams of him at least smiling and being cordial. to become friends out of this mess but i know it probably wont happen. i can honestly say right now that i dont want him in the same capacity that we were together before, but still this is hard. i feel terribly guilty. the thought of looking at him. the man who played with my emotions and destroyed my life. the man who helped me hurt my husband. ugh....i knew this day was coming but wish i could avoid it just for a little longer. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 You NEED your husband to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 oh we're already all over that. we'll both be there together as a team. Link to post Share on other sites
justwantlove Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Im glad your husband is going. I understand that this will be hard for you and im sure it helps that you have a support system. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible. Try not to keep thinking about it, for me it would only make me more anxious, but i know thats hard to do. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 You can do this. It is not impossible, it just feels that way. Keep your chin up, do not let him/them bully you. You are worth more than his opinion of you. Your husband loves you. and remember ~ "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Do not consent to that!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 be honest, you are using your kids as an excuse to see him. You are not over him yet and you are not going to this function solely for your children's purposes Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 be honest, you are using your kids as an excuse to see him. You are not over him yet and you are not going to this function solely for your children's purposes I think it's clear that BEG is nowhere near over him yet but I've seen no evidence that she is just going to be using this event as an excuse to see him. The one thing that does bother me a little is the subtle implications that the BW is either harassing or bullying BEG. So far I've not seen any evidence of this either and BEG has not specifically said that the wife has contacted her directly. If I am mistaken and the BW has continued to contact BEG or her husband after being asked not to, then that is a different matter. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 i have dreams of him at least smiling and being cordial. to become friends out of this mess but i know it probably wont happen. A friendship is still a relationship and this to me says you are still investing your emotions in the ex-MM. You are still obsessing (and possibly even fantasising about the "what ifs"). Any form of relationship is impossible now if you want your marriage and you should know that by now. i can honestly say right now that i dont want him in the same capacity that we were together before, but still this is hard. i feel terribly guilty. the thought of looking at him. the man who played with my emotions and destroyed my life. the man who helped me hurt my husband. Same capacity? You should not want him in any capacity. As for looking at him - just don't. Look away, walk away, focus on your husband. And sorry but just remember that you went into the affair on a voluntary basis - don't pass on any responsibility to this man. Unless you also consider that you helped destroy his marriage and helped hurt his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 i i can honestly say right now that i dont want him in the same capacity that we were together before, but still this is hard. i feel terribly guilty. Guilty for what? For whom? Guilty for hurting your H or not choosing the MM? Have they met since you got busted? I worry there is a potential for violent confrontation here, verbal or otherwise. the thought of looking at him. the man who played with my emotions and destroyed my life. the man who helped me hurt my husband. No. HE did NOT do this to your life. You did. OWN it. Everything "he did", you allowed, encouraged, conspired and participated. You are NOT the victim here. Don't try and wear that mantle. I say this not to belittle you but to prevent a thought process by which you rewrite history, avoid responsibility (he did it TO me) and retard reconciliation. And, to reiterate, please be VERY careful about allowing your H to meet this man...it can go very wrong VERY fast. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 the man who played with my emotions and destroyed my life. the man who helped me hurt my husband. I don't understand this either. From what I recall you two were in a long term EMR. I am certain both of you had true emotions for each other, and now after Dday both of you are doing all you can to save your respective marriages. You may not agree with your MM's way of saving his marriage, but in my view it says nothing about his emotions for you during the affair. Probably not about his emotions for you now either. He is like a drowning person grabbing at all he can to save his marriage. I agree with the posters who say for you to own your part of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 actually, i do own my affair. (and again, im talking about my relationship with my AP here, no need to say im leaving the husband out or whatever. im choosing to not talk about H on this board. I talk about my marriage to HIM and would rather not discuss it here. just putting that out before someone goes that route) but i also believe the fact that i was terribly mislead in this situation as well. lied to, manipulated. he played with my emotions. told me things i wanted/needed to hear and then they all turned out to be lies. which i know is what i get for playing with a cheater but i still believed him. and when I tried to end it over and over he cried, begged, talked me out of it. as far as the "same capacity" comment. yes, part of me misses him very much. i am by no means over him. by same capacity i meant the amount/strength/magnitude of what i feel for him now is no where the same as it used to be. JW - i feel guilty that my husband will face a painful situation like seeing him. yes, he already knows him. Anne - when i spoke of ending it friendly i was talking about how this ended on the wrong foot. i still wish we would have said goodbye, walked away and said we were going to do what we had to do. i just would like to look back on it and remember him the way he was during the affair. it would be better in my mind to understand i would have done something so terrible with someone who was at least nice to me over a person who treated me like crap. and yes anne, i live with the pain every day of destroying a marriage and hurting a innocent wife. I am that girl. Myrtle - Ive always appreciated your comments and still do, but here you brought in the whole BW issue. not an issue here. maybe you might want to double think the fact that youre obsessing over this. maybe why youre getting so much crap on other posts. Oh and I'm certainly not using my kids in this at all. If anything Im giving back to them what ive stolen by having an affair in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Why are you even entertaining thoughts of a friendship with him? You STILL are way too focussed on the MM. WHO CARES what he thinks or feels. IT DOESN'T matter anymore. You've been given some great advice here, ignore the ruder comments, but the bottomline is, you did this to your H, yes the MM helped you, but you also helped HIM hurt and betray HIS wife, just as he helped you do the same to your H. Each of you own the affair 50-50. Neither of you are worse than the other so it's time to accept this and stop putting the blame on him. For your kids sake, sorry to be blunt, but suck it up and hold your H's hand today. Don't even pay attention to MM and his wife. I assume she is going to be there as well. If they try to talk to you or your H, just let them know 'now it is not the time to do this' and walk away. Whatever you do, DO NOT go and say hello, or even wave. If he waves at you, IGNORE him and look the other way. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 To end an affair, to get over missing your AP, and to rebuild your marriage...NC is always necessary. Some people have to quit their jobs, others must move their entire families. These drastic measures are necessary because this isnt a game this is life. You have already stated that professionally you will have some contact with him. You say you cant prevent it. So, right there NC is impeded. It seems a small sacrifice for you to NOT attend this function. Your H can go. This is a sacrifice you and your family have to make to maintain and enforce NC. The importance of this in the recovery process is highlighted by the fact that you are imagining and hoping for some eye contact and a reassuring smile from OM. You have to stop. This is not about you anymore, not about OM anymore or it still is. Which is better for your children and family? To go to a function or put your marriage back together? Pick. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 our kids both have a function and we'll both be there. i thought about cancelling, but it will be at the disadvantage of my children and i refuse to do that to them. so im preparing. scared to death. filled with anxiety and emotions that i dont know how to deal with. i have dreams of him at least smiling and being cordial. to become friends out of this mess but i know it probably wont happen. i can honestly say right now that i dont want him in the same capacity that we were together before, but still this is hard. i feel terribly guilty. the thought of looking at him. the man who played with my emotions and destroyed my life. the man who helped me hurt my husband. ugh....i knew this day was coming but wish i could avoid it just for a little longer. Why do you give him so much power over you? Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 The one thing that does bother me a little is the subtle implications that the BW is either harassing or bullying BEG. So far I've not seen any evidence of this either and BEG has not specifically said that the wife has contacted her directly. I am the one who used the term "bully".. and I guess I used poor judgement in my verbage.. perhaps a better word would have been "intimidate". As in make her feel that somehow she doesn't have a right to be there. As in by their presence make her feel ashamed or ostricized. She is no more to blame than the fMM, she and her H have as much right to be there as he does. (And I said them, fMM and BW, because they are now working as a team, so any attempt at making her feel uncomfortable I would assume would come from both.) Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I think it's clear that BEG is nowhere near over him yet but I've seen no evidence that she is just going to be using this event as an excuse to see him. The one thing that does bother me a little is the subtle implications that the BW is either harassing or bullying BEG. So far I've not seen any evidence of this either and BEG has not specifically said that the wife has contacted her directly. If I am mistaken and the BW has continued to contact BEG or her husband after being asked not to, then that is a different matter. The fact that she still entertains the idea of friendship with him, stress's that she has to go to this function and her attitude about being tricked(mislead) into the affair are all evidence. When people are truly getting over an affair they give up a lot(jobs, friends, family and location), it comes with the territory. But when someone puts special emphasis on going to an event where the OM is, then there is usually another reason. The fact that she says she will not deprive her kids of this event is bs, it really is. When people are in an affair they deprive their children of a lot and it never hits their mind. She threw the kids comment out there to make it seem like she has to go. If this event was about her children her H could take them or she could have another childs parent or higher a baby sitter or other countless options. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 so im preparing. scared to death. filled with anxiety and emotions that i dont know how to deal with. i have dreams of him at least smiling and being cordial. to become friends out of this mess but i know it probably wont happen. i feel terribly guilty. the thought of looking at him. the man who played with my emotions and destroyed my life. the man who helped me hurt my husband. As others have pointed out, the first statement obviously contradicts the second. I don't think your husband's healing would be helped by your cordial friendship with the OM. You're still thinking mostly about yourself and what you want, certainly not the way to repair a marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I am the one who used the term "bully".. and I guess I used poor judgement in my verbage.. perhaps a better word would have been "intimidate". As in make her feel that somehow she doesn't have a right to be there. As in by their presence make her feel ashamed or ostricized. She is no more to blame than the fMM, she and her H have as much right to be there as he does. (And I said them, fMM and BW, because they are now working as a team, so any attempt at making her feel uncomfortable I would assume would come from both.) Also BEG: Myrtle - Ive always appreciated your comments and still do, but here you brought in the whole BW issue. not an issue here. maybe you might want to double think the fact that youre obsessing over this. maybe why youre getting so much crap on other posts. ************************************** I can promise I'm not at all obsessing over your A and its aftermath. Nor did I bring up the issue of the BW bullying/intimidating or harassing you. You and FA did that. However you have now said it's not an issue so presumably you are no longer worried about it and maybe it never actually happened. FA says she should have used the word "intimidation" (which is a form of bullying too) but that's only valid if intimidation is in fact occurring. As you say it's now a non-issue anyway, so it's a moot point and no longer relevant. Good luck at the school event today. If everyone is "cool", behaves like adults and avoids getting into any proximity you should all be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 FA says she should have used the word "intimidation" (which is a form of bullying too) but that's only valid if intimidation is in fact occurring. Other synonyms for intimidate... dishearten, dismay, disspirit, disquiet, disconcert, startle, stun, faze, daunt, consternate, astound... Why does it always come back to semantics? I thought my meaning was clear, when I found out it wasn't I tried to clarify it, only to be again accused of assigning a meaning to a word which I did not intend. I am trying to be fair, but if every word I say is going to be twisted so that I come off looking like I am putting someone down when I am doing no such thing there is no point in me even posting. What am I supposed to do? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Forget the friendship. Maybe someday like 10 years from now but not now. When you are still missing an ex lover a real friendship isnt possible. You dont have to believe us, you just have to resign yourself to the fact that it is not realistic. As for seeing him tomorrow unless your children and his are close friends or there is some other reason that you will be REQUIRED to speak to each other then dont. I go to things where xMM is there all the time, I used to be very conscious of his presence, who he was speaking to etc (not so much anymore) but I did not speak to him, did not approach him. So as much as it may feel awkward to know he is in the same room you dont need to interact with him unless he comes up to you and your H. Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Other synonyms for intimidate... dishearten, dismay, disspirit, disquiet, disconcert, startle, stun, faze, daunt, consternate, astound... Why does it always come back to semantics? I thought my meaning was clear, when I found out it wasn't I tried to clarify it, only to be again accused of assigning a meaning to a word which I did not intend. I am trying to be fair, but if every word I say is going to be twisted so that I come off looking like I am putting someone down when I am doing no such thing there is no point in me even posting. What am I supposed to do? I haven't accused you of assigning a meaning to a word. if you read my post closely you will see that I said that intimidation is a form of bullying. In my opinion it is (ie I admit that I assigned that meaning to it not you) - I have no idea whether or not you consider it that way. As far as I know you were the one suggesting that the BW is bullying or intimidating (insert your word of choice) BEG. It certainly wasn't me. In any case BEG has now said it is not an issue so it seems pointless for us to continue discussing something that we both agree is just semantics. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I haven't accused you of assigning a meaning to a word. if you read my post closely you will see that I said that intimidation is a form of bullying. In my opinion it is (ie I admit that I assigned that meaning to it not you) - I have no idea whether or not you consider it that way. As far as I know you were the one suggesting that the BW is bullying or intimidating (insert your word of choice) BEG. It certainly wasn't me. In any case BEG has now said it is not an issue so it seems pointless for us to continue discussing something that we both agree is just semantics. Jesus, Myrtle... is there one thread where you aren't causing additional pain? Move on already. Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Jesus, Myrtle... is there one thread where you aren't causing additional pain? Move on already. I am not responsible for the pain in the life of anybody on this board. However in deference to peoples' pain I'll remove myself from this thread unless people decide to go for me again. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I am not responsible for the pain in the life of anybody on this board. However in deference to peoples' pain I'll remove myself from this thread unless people decide to go for me again. Of course you're not responsible for the pain of those posting. But when a house is on fire do you throw gasoline on it just for your own pleasure? Because you just keep pushing people's buttons who are looking for help and support. Thank you for removing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 ... Because you just keep pushing people's buttons ... You couldn't resist one last jab could you? Thank you for removing yourself. The offer still stands but you have to play fair too. Link to post Share on other sites
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