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Dear HIM,


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I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.

I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.

But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.

I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.

I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.

I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.

I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.

I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.

I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.

I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.

I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.

I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.

I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.

I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.

I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.

I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.

I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.

I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.

I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.

HOW THE FU*K ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I want to tell you I hate you.

I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.

I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.

I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.

But I can not say those things. They are not true.

The fact is I love you.

The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.

The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.

The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.

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hey there,FA.....more tough day, huh? it's alright...let it out. ...here's hoping people would actually recognize the above as just venting and not flame you...

 

one day at time....you will get there...soon enough..

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hey there,FA.....more tough day, huh? it's alright...let it out. ...here's hoping people would actually recognize the above as just venting and not flame you...

 

one day at time....you will get there...soon enough..

 

Screw it, I don't care what anyone says, I actually sent it to him. Nothing anyone can say here can possibly hurt worse than i already am. *shrug*

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mybrowneyedgirl

FA. i feel for you. just a short month ago i could have written all of those words myself. now im not sure what i'd say if anything at all.

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ContemplatingTheEnd

Fallen_Angel, thank you for posting your letter. I am having similar feelings. I tried to tell my MM I can't see him anymore. He didn't make it a week w/o calling me. I wavered. I tried to rationalize our affair (going on eight months) so we could see each other again. We talked for two hours last night. I asked if he wanted to get together tomorrow night. He couldn't -- pumpkin harvest trip with the family. Another slap in the face to me. Just a reminder I am an observer in his life, a "secret addiction he keeps in his back pocket," as another poster on here has said. That hit home with me.

 

Your letter has given me ideas of what I want to say to him before I cut all ties (change phone number, block on Facebook, etc.). I don't know your story, but thank you for sharing.

 

I am thinking of sending him something along the lines of -- A small part of me fell in love with you. But, most of me wishes I had never met you.

 

It sounds like you wholeheartedly loved and wanted to be with your MM. That must be so incredibly tough. I went into this affair knowing I would never be with MM. (That makes this all the more pointless.) But, in any case, the feelings developed and here I am now, eight months later and nothing to show for it. So, a small part of me did fall so in love with him. But, most of me has been battling myself the entire time I've been in this.

 

I wish you luck in getting into a better place. And, I hope I have the strength to push him out of my life...

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FA -

HUGE hugs to you my dear. I know that today you need this because I can tell you are hurting. It's OK that you sent this - he NEEDS to know these things.

Believe me, there is more than once in my relationship with MM that I wanted to say the exact things. Some have been said - others not.

I think you put to words what a lot of us OW feel.

Today the guilties have hit me extremely hard. Really hard.

I know how he feels now, and sometimes that is harder than just wishing I knew how he feels because I feel even worse for the BS.

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And - please know that you were and ARE worthy of him - and MORE!!! Sometimes I think the MM are not worthy of us ...

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I have read many of your wonderful comments here. I am so sorry that you hurt.

 

I can tell that you are someone who will always be loved. I think that is true whatever you go through.

 

Keep well. You are a good woman. (Judgement, but at least good judgement).

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Thank You all... I am just sitting here wondering when I will hear from him about it, and what he will say, or if he will just say nothing at all. How pathetic I have become.... I am ashamed of me.

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FA' date=' that was heartbreaking to read. You actually sent it to him? You have guts.[/quote']

 

I wrote it on my blog... copy and pasted it into an email and got up and cooked dinner.. Took two healthy shots of burbon.. walked over to the computer.. hit send and walked away fast.... two seconds later I wanted to take it back... but I made sure I sent it to the one account of his that he hasn't given me the password to, so that once I had hit 'send' there was no turning back. *shrug* no guts.. if i had guts I would have told him not to contact me again.

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mybrowneyedgirl

i think you have LOTS of guts. im proud of you. if i were you i wouldnt take it back even if i could.

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someonesangel

*** I hit report and posted a long post, sorry administrator.

 

FA

 

I don't know what to say. I read it and truly could have written almost all myself. I even considered showing him that another OW had written it, but it was everything I could ever say, and perhaps to afraid too, I still may.

 

 

We sit and talk on Thursday, about god knows what.... how to move forward. He called tonight to confirm and the fear hit me, as I have no idea what to expect. We have been been in LC since our DDay with a kiss at a concert a couple weeks back.

 

The fear when was so apparent to me tonight, the wall is slowly going up with the one person I also trusted, and it is as painful as the hurt has been.

 

I will tell you one thing, which was the reason why I started to post, sorry for the derail.

 

I learned something about myself, after the beating up ( I still do it) but that is all the bad qualities I can say I have.... I also had the ability to fully love someone, who was also in pain and imperfect and living in fear of accepting himself. He may never get past his own fear but I have to remember that I loved him, truly and that is more than many are capable of.

 

We have many things to regret, both the MM and the OW, but I think we have to occasionally remind ourselves of the wonderful qualities we also posses.

 

 

I am more compassionate, more understanding of the human mind, more understanding of mistakes and far more understanding of what real acceptance and love is.

 

Without him, I would never have had that..... and as much fear and pain that is built up right now, I want to continue to remind myself of the positives and growth that has and will come.

 

I feel for you so much today, give yourself a break and really think of the positives traits you STILL posses.

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mybrowneyedgirl

someones angel - excellent post. took the words right out of my mouth.

 

and FA. thank you for posting this. for putting all of my feelings into words in a way that i was unable to do. you are speaking for all of us here. you have put into words the pain and heartache that all of us know all too well.

 

i too have thought of showing him these words. for this is how i felt for YEARS. i look at his picture, this man who made me feel so complete, but at the same time so empty. he knew what he was doing the whole time, putting me second. i should have seen it coming but i didnt want to see it. the good times were too good to acknowlege the pain.

 

please learn from my story. if a man will treat you like this when he supposedly loves you, imagine how he treats you when he doesnt love you anymore.

 

hang in there. im right there with you.

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Everyones already said it. But thank you and i hope this " Down wave", idk that what i call it, is over for you soon. So many of the people on here have so much love to give and deserve it so much. I hope we can all find what we are looking for and not be totally abused on the way.

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GreenEyedLady
I really do not know where to start, except by saying I love you.

I am sitting here right now feeling lost, and empty, and lonely, and sad, and hopeless. And love isn't supposed to feel like that. It isn't supposed to hurt.

But it does. Loving you hurts me. Loving you feels like a lie. Loving you makes me feel "Less Than". Loving you makes me feel like a whore. Loving you makes me feel like a thief. Loving you makes me feel unimportant. Loving you makes me feel angry. Loving you makes me feel resentful. Loving you makes me ache all the way to my soul, in a way I never knew was possible.

I feel this way because I know that you will never love me the way that I love you.

I feel this way because I would move heaven and earth to be with you, but you are unwilling to do the same for me.

I feel this way because you do not love me enough to make me first.

I feel this way because you spend so much of your life denying my existence, like I am some ugly scar that you are ashamed of.

I feel this way because when I need you, you are unavailable to me.

I feel this way because I spend every holiday alone.

I feel this way because you make stupid little promises that you forget, inconsequential things really, but you are so busy in your dual life that I get lost in the shuffle.

I feel this way because I sleep alone almost every night.

I feel this way because I wanted to hold your hand today and you were not here.

I feel this way because I know if I gave you an ultimatum, I would be left alone, you would never choose me.

I feel this way because you have made me insignificant. Trivializing my love by being willing to accept all of me while only giving me a small piece of you.

I feel this way because of all the times you have whispered "I love you", and I was here wanting you to love me enough to shout it.

I feel this way because I am not important enough to you to ever meet your children.

I feel this way because I will never measure up to her in your eyes.

I feel this way because I am totally faithful to you while you go home and make love to her.

I feel this way because you tell her you love her, hell, you tell me you love her.

HOW THE FU*K ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

I want to tell you I hate you.

I want to tell you I will never speak to you again.

I want to tell you that you are not worthy of me.

I want to tell you that I will walk away today, and never think of you again.

But I can not say those things. They are not true.

The fact is I love you.

The fact is I don't know how to live without you in my life anymore and so will probably keep making contact with you and accepting crumbs here and there just so that I can bring myself to get out of bed in the mornings.

The fact is that I have never been worthy of you, if I was, I would be in your arms right now instead of writing this letter.

The fact is I will spend the rest of my lifetime walking around with a piece of my soul missing because it resides with you and I will miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

But I can not go on like this. It is breaking me. It makes me... diminished.

 

You must love yourself first. You must respect yourself. Above all, you must be true to yourself.

 

You can and will live without him. You have before and you will continue to live when the R ends.

 

Do not give ANY man that power over your spirit.

 

He is not worthy of you or anyone right now, for he is broken. You do not want a man who is broken Fallen Angel, because he will repeat his pattern with you.

 

Furthermore, it should break his heart that he makes you feel this way and he should be doing everything within his power to make it up to you.

 

It is your CHOICE it is up to YOU.

 

GEL

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Okay, so this is something like what the conversation went like when he called me at 6 am this morning.

 

"hello"

"Good Morning, Baby.. did you sleep well?"

"not really"

"oh, I am sorry Baby.. I saw you were up pretty last last night. I saw this morning you sent me an email.. what did ya send me?"

"you didn't read it?"

"no, I didn't have time, I was trying to get ready for work, I was running a little late."

"Oh."

"Is it the same kind of email i get everytime we have to be apart for a long time? Do you want me to just delete it without reading it?"

Silence....

 

"Look, I miss you too. I love you, and I want to be with you. I can't change the situation I am in right now, I have to work. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. You know if I could be there I would. I want to be there. I want to be with you, but I have to work."

"I know you have to work, that isn't what it is about."

"Baby... are you breaking up with me again? You know we go through this everytime I have to (work out of town for a long time). I just don't know what you expect me to do."

Silence.

"Look, if you really want to break things off with me, I understand. I know it is hard for you, I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness. I love you, all i want is for you to be happy."

Silence.

 

"maybe I should just let you go.. we can talk about this later. I love you (insert my name here) I miss you so much and I love you. I will talk to you later when you feel like talking."

 

Disconnect.

 

So I sat here for five minutes. crying in my coffee.

I smoked a cigarette. I woke my children for school.

 

I called him back.

 

"Hey, I just need to say something."

"Okay."

"I just wanted to let you know how much it hurts that you can so easily dismiss me..."

INTERUPTION (something he NEVER does.)

"Dismiss you? i am not dismissing you. I just don't know what you want me to do. i have been working out of town for over two and a half weeks. Do you want me to get off work and drive an extra three hours durring the six or eight hours I have off of work to see you for a few minutes? Is that what you want? I will do that. If that is what you want. Is that what you want?.... sorry, I didn't mean to interupt, I am sorry. please continue..."

"That is not what I mean by dismissing me. I mean dismissing me as in telling me that you don't want to stand in the way of my happiness. That hurts so much, how easy it all seems for you, to just let me go. It sucks to know I can be so easily dismissed from your life."

"Baby, I love you, you know that. But if I can not make you happy, then you should be with someone who can. All i want is for you to be happy. i want that to be with me, but if I can not do it then... "

"but you can.. you just choose not to. it is not a matter of can or can't, it is a matter of won't. Do you have any clue what it feels like for me?"

"(my name here) I love you so much. and I miss you every minute I am away from you. I just don't know what to do."

"I believe that. I believe that you love me. You just don't love me enough. you will never love me enough and that is the most horrible feeling in the world, to know that you will never be loved enough."

Silence.

Silence....

 

"I love you."

"I know."

"So what do we do?'

"I don't know.. I just know that this hurts, it shouldn't hurt. It sucks to know my worth is all..."

Angrily... "Don't say that! that isn't true!"

"It is true... I know my worth to you, and I know that I am not worth enough..."

Silence...

 

We were both crying.

 

Ten minutes of silent tears and muffled sobs on both ends...

 

"I only have a few more minutes, I am almost at the gate..."

"(his name here) You have a good day, okay?"

"You too, Baby.. I love you......."

 

I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, durring his small bits of downtime, durring the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.

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I am not sure if he will call me back today. usually he calls me in his spare moments at work, durring his small bits of downtime, durring the drive home. I don't know what will happen next.. most likely he will go home and read my letter. Maybe he will show up here and try to pull me back into the affair. Maybe he will just let me go gently away, because he loves me enough and finally sees the extreme pain that loving him causes me... we will see.

 

Pull you back in the A?

 

No...you INVITED him.

 

NC is NC. Period. Its sole purpose is to END the pain. And every time you break it, you start over (or at least take several steps back).

 

Stop picking on the wound.

 

Seriously FA...why keep doing this? What did you expect to happen when he read the email? That he would realize the folly of losing you, pack his bags, divorce and you two would ride off into the sunset?

 

HE DIDN'T EVEN READ IT. Why? Because his interest in you stops at the waistline. Don't believe me? Think its not true? Think he really cares? Think he gives a d*mn about you? Uh...he saw your name in the inbox, ignored it, called you, and the "I love yous" flowed like tears. Why? Waistline. That's why.

 

Even worse...and perhaps more likely (and I will now revise some of my above)...he DID read the email and USED it to get back into your "heart".

 

Either way...he DOESN'T love you. Proof:

 

1) He did NOT read the email as he claims. Well, there ya go...after NC, you send an email and his deep love for caused him to glance at the From field (and go no further) while getting dressed and call you. After he realizes he can still get laid, he "loves" you again. Sorry, I get an email from the woman I love...I read it. I do in fact have the 120 seconds it took to read it. Seriously FA...you didnt write War and Peace...it was heartfelt, open, and VULNERABLE. (leading to number 2 below)

 

2) He DID read it realized you are weak and lied and schemed to get you back in his heart. Or bed. Likely the latter. Does that say love to you? If he did read it, why say otherwise?

 

So pick...did he read it or not? Either way FA...he's a scumbag. Either way...not pretty.

 

Sadly FA...this R goes nowhere. I know it. You know it. He knows it.

You are weak and vulnerable and he is preying on it...for love? Not likely. And the only one who suffers....YOU.

 

Go NC...no more letters, no more calls, no more texts...delete his email, delete his numbers, block him in every way. Stop wallowing in this. Be strong.

 

I can tell you are not going to listen. I can see you are still blinded by him. I'm sure you will reignite the A you so desperately want. Yes...want...I will reference not only the letter but the CALL and what YOU said.

 

This ENDS when YOU choose FA. The ties that bind are imaginary...of your own creation. YOU have the power to free yourself. NC. Choose it and be free.

 

End it. Choose it. Today. Now.

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Pull you back in the A?

 

No...you INVITED him.

 

NC is NC. Period. Its sole purpose is to END the pain. And every time you break it, you start over (or at least take several steps back).

 

Stop picking on the wound.

 

.

 

I just want to clarify, we have not been NC before I sent this letter, so I was not breaking Nc by sending it, cause it never was in effect to begin with.

 

As to whether or not he read it, I honestly do not know... i don't think he did. In the past whenever he has read anything i have written him (especially in regards to me wanting to end the affair), he has taken the time to respond in writing, and then followed that up with a phone call.

 

I realize that I have the control here. I gave him a chance to decide, and he chose both. Now I am the one to decide if I can live with that, or move on.

 

I am glad it is all so cut and dry for you, i am glad the only part of me that you think could possibly be of any value to any man is my Pussy... it is nice to know that, thank you.

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FA please ignore JW, I for one understand exactly how you feel, and she indeed is just not worthy of a reply. Nasty piece of work she is. I do not know what these people get out of it, I really don't but please know that she is not a happy person but sits at home all day on her computer wondering how on earth she can make someone feel as bad as she. When you have been on here a while, you learn to ignore their posts.

 

Your conversation made me cry and imagine having the same. It is just too bad that we are stuck in this situation. He DOES LOVE YOU

 

:bunny:

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I just want to clarify, we have not been NC before I sent this letter, so I was not breaking Nc by sending it, cause it never was in effect to begin with.

 

All apologies for my assumption.

 

As to whether or not he read it, I honestly do not know... i don't think he did. In the past whenever he has read anything i have written him (especially in regards to me wanting to end the affair), he has taken the time to respond in writing, and then followed that up with a phone call.
FA...I went back and skimmed your threads here on LS. Seriously, I would ask you to do the same. There is a real theme going on here and maybe, because you are in the midst of it, you have missed it. Please, go back, read your posts and the replies. I hope the trend jumps out at you.

 

Believe it or not, I'm on YOUR side. My goal, and the reason I post, is to help you end the pain you feel. And for you, it ends with marriage to him or walking away. He clearly has decided you will NOT be his W. So walk. My post was designed to make you angry (but at him :)). Its unimaginably hard to turn a negative into a positive (perhaps impossible) but use the ANGER AT HIM to separate and continue living.

 

Don't listen to his words rather look at his actions. There is a significant gap between what he says and what he does. I call that gap lying. What you say is supported by what you do and vice-versa. Do his actions match what he says and vice-versa? I see huge gaps in "I love you" and going home to the W. If he loves you and with his W knowing of your A...why hasn't he filed for D? Sorry...actions and words not adding up again.

 

I realize that I have the control here. I gave him a chance to decide, and he chose both. Now I am the one to decide if I can live with that, or move on.
And what is your choice?

 

I think that frightens you...having to choose. So you don't. You let this continue not of love but of fear. Afraid to stay and afraid to go. Afraid of being alone and losing love (its unrequited) and afraid of the pain you endure every day. Sounds a miserable way to live.

 

I could list all the negatives of this man...but you have already decided I am the enemy. Attacking you, denigrating you...cheapening you. No...I'm not. Your MM DOES that (actions...look at his actions, are the really from a man who loves you).

 

I am glad it is all so cut and dry for you, i am glad the only part of me that you think could possibly be of any value to any man is my Pussy... it is nice to know that, thank you.
It IS cut and dry. You accept the table scraps or you do not. Its sounding like you cannot - so don't.

 

And I NEVER said ANY MAN...just this one. Please don't put words in my mouth. This man, and I'm a man, thinks YOU deserve more than table scraps.

 

I'm not your enemy. I would hope that you would reread my post above. I hope you skim your historical postings here. See this MM for what he is (clue...its in how he treats you).

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I understand your point but surely you understand how hurtful it is to have someone repeatedly say that someone he/she loves only wants them for sex. Truly, you have no way of knowing how her married man feels. Still, this is probably the most compassionate post I've ever seen you make.

 

I think that frightens you...having to choose. So you don't. You let this continue not of love but of fear. Afraid to stay and afraid to go. Afraid of being alone and losing love (its unrequited) and afraid of the pain you endure every day. Sounds a miserable way to live.

 

It's pretty much the same problem married men seem to have - being scared to choose. What I suspect though - is that he's a whole lot less miserable about being faced with a choice than Fallen Angel is, if only because he has it both ways and is getting his needs met. She isn't. And, he's now put the ball in her court by avoiding choice altogether. But it looks to me that it's usually how these things go - the women (either the OW or the BW) are the ones that get forced to choose (do they turn a blind eye, do they leave, do they give an ultimatum?).

 

Fallen Angel, you can't predict the hypothetical future - you can't assume that he'll stay with his wife if you leave, or for how long. But you can predict that if you keep staying, he won't change a thing. Even if you are right, that he won't leave, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, that you weren't worth being with; it just means he wasn't willing to make the concessions to make that happen - it's a reflection on him, not you. But at least then you have your answer as to what he is or isn't willing to do for you. And you can stop living for stolen moments.

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FA your letter was beautiful. I think most of us have felt this way about our AP. Hell I still do and it has been over a year since it has ended. I was a MOW so I understand the whole straddling the fence thing. Your MM does love you and probably still loves his wife otherwise it would be easy for him to leave, but I am sure if you both had been single you would be happily together. These things are so complicated. I loved my XOM in such a different way than my H. The chemistry and emotional connection was incredible. I'm sure this is probably the same with your MM. While I am not sure I would have left my marriage for XOM, I really wish I could have in an alternate universe. I wouldn't want to break up my family and throw away the many years together just like that before giving my marriage another try. My XOM ended things with me and this forced me to look at my marriage and my life, which I am stilll working on. I think I will always have a place for XOM deep in my heart. He was very special to me just as you are to your MM.

 

On a side note, NC as brutal as it was to initiate with XOM it has helped me focus more on healing myself and that deep and heavy pain that I can feel in your post becomes more of a dull numbing pain. I hope the pain disappears one day for you and for many of us here on LS. What NC did do for me is give me my self-respect back, a little bit of my integrity and power back. I now know that I don't have to be this vulnerable woman that I thought I had been. It can be quite empowering.

 

I know how hard it is to love someone more than they love you. You are a special person FA, hang onto that and start to get stronger. One of these days you will wake up and not want to be in the situation anymore. Just know you are strong enough to pull yourself out of it. Love your kids, put all your energy into them and yourself and forget this MM. There is another man out there who needs you just as bad as you need him and he is single. :)

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