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How to ask for an open marriage.


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Old 26th October 2009, 11:40 PM   #1
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How to ask for an open marriage.

Never in a million years did I think I would ever be inclined to want an open marriage. I say ďopen marriageĒ lightly because itís not like I want an assortment of guys at my beck and whim. Hell, up until 6 months ago, I never even gave any guy a second look. Here is my story.

I am a 50 yo, very happily married mother of 2 girls, ages 12 & 9. My husband and I have been together for 18 years.This is my second marriage -- I was married for 7 years when my ex told me that he was unsure of life, that he knew he didnít love me when he walked down the aisle, etc etc etc. Quite devastating actually. For 3 years I dated, had fun, and really tried to take a look at what I wanted in a mate. My husband and I dated for over 2 years, and I knew he was the one that I could spent the rest of my life with. He is attactive, easy going, smart, responsible... just a super guy, and nobody makes me laugh harder than he does. We have a great eb and flow that is enviable to our friends. Our sex life is great. I canít imagine my life without him. Both of us have commented that we would never find another person as good for us as each other. I honestly believe that. I would never leave him or take our girls from him.I really love him and he loves me.

That doesnít mean life has been a bowl of cherries. Our daughters are both on the autistic spectrum. When the oldest was being diagnosed, the other was just an infant, and I also had an ailing 86 yo mother to take care of.
Being the type of person that I am, I absorbed myself into the world of autism, reading all I could, inquiring about therapies, etc. All this comes with no owners manual... it is all trial and error. Luckily we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I was a successful creative director before our girls were born, and I also loved to play competitive tennis.... playing in college, and then in area tournaments. But now both of those were gone. I submerged myself into doing what I could for my girls and their needs, plus my momís medical issues. Little by little, I lost who I was. My husband was and is supportive in any treatment I thought would be beneficial. But the stress of all of this put me on the brink of depression. Maybe I was actually in a depression, I donít know. But add to all this the death of my mother, a move from the west coast to the east coast.... and now I felt lost.Before I knew it 10years had gone by.

One day about 1 and a half years ago, I got my daughter into tennis at a indoor facility here. Watching her really got me itching to play again, so I decided to sign up for a class. Evenually I was recruited onto a Womensí travel tennis team league. This 32 week league is very competitive with weekly matches, with mandatory weekly drills with the pros, stat recordings, etc. And it was at this club that I met him... the man that brought me back to life.

The other man in my life is one of the tennis pros. He is single. Ironically, he not this hot baby you are all invisioning. He is seven years older than me (57), short and balding, heh heh. But he absolutely brings out the best in me on the court, and even off. He got me to believe in myself again, and in turn I began to feel like my old self again, full of life and incredibly happy. Happier than I have been in at least a decade! It would be totally accurate to say the my husband fulfills 95% of what I need, and this OM completes me with the other 5%.. He touches my soul like no man has ever done. But I havenít told him the effect he has had on my life. (Ironically, my husband knows the effect this OM has had on my life, he knows the connection I feel... but he doesnít know how attracted I am to him and my desire for him) The OM and I definitely have a connection that I believe he feels as well. Eventually for me, that connection caught fire and I started to become intensely attracted to him. I know more about him than most anyone at the club, but he does keep his guard up. I am old enough and smart enough to know that this probably isnít his first rodeo -- that other women before me have had feelings for him. I donít know if he has ever had a relationship with someone at the club before, but I imagine that someone in his position has to be careful in that situation. I think itís been a while since his last relationship though.

So what do I want. I would love to be able to have a Saturday with this OM. Maybe it would be a one time thing.... or if we both enjoyed it, maybe every other month or so. He is busy, I am busy. I donít want to have an affair.And I donít want to have a deeply serious relationship. Even if I were single, I know this OM and I probably wouldnít work out in the long run of things. I just want to spend some time with him, and to be honest, I want to express to him physically how I feel about him, how much he means to me.There is the possibility that he would want nothing to do with this. But I would like to have the freedom to pursue this if the timing was right. I admit that I fear the possibility of rejection from the OM, but I would regret never pursuing this even more.

Yet how do you say to your spouse, ďI would like for us to consider an open marriageĒ? As much as I can imagine, I think I would be okay if my husband had the same arrangement with another woman. Lots to consider . I would appreciate any thoughts. As you can imagine, I canít talk to anyone about this. It is consuming alot of my thoughts lately. Thanks for listening.
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Old 26th October 2009, 11:43 PM   #2
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you dont. end of story. allowing him to do it to doesnt make having an affair better. if you want someone else then leave. theres too much at risk.
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Old 26th October 2009, 11:57 PM   #3
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First off, I am in an open marriage. It works great for me but I started out this way. Whenever I go to the marriage section all I see are threads and threads and threads about sexless marriages with no options and everybody getting very grumpy and sexually frustrated. Then being told to divorce without any thought to the good between the spouses or the cohesiveness of the family unit or the financial ramifications. All just so that they can go "get it awn" with someone else... until they run into the same problems of course. But you know, serial monogamy is so absolutely superior to honest open marriages.

I would NOT try to get into an open marriage so you can bang this one guy.
You can hope for that but really there is a lot of work that you have to do first. Also you do not know that this guy would go for it.
You can go through a lot of agony and personal growth to end up being rejected. Plus as a sell to your husband it is not honest.

I would recommend that you look into polyamory forums (google it). Talk to people online.

If you live in a large metropolitan area you can meet people in your area to converse about it. You can ask members HOW they opened up their marriages. (mine has always been open). If you like the members you can then bring your husband to meet them if he is not completely against it.

Read "The Ethical Slut".

Talk to your husband. What is your husband's take on non-monogamy? Remember he married you agreeing to monogamy and may have turned down great opportunities because of that. If he is completely against it you need to respect that.
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Old 27th October 2009, 12:19 AM   #4
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Honey, there is no such thing as magic. You're unusualy attracted yet you know ( somewhere in there) that even single you wouldn,t be right. What you're missing isn't about anything else. YOU are the only one that can make positive changes in your life and none of those include H or OM. My guess is that an open M is only the begining of your flight. Make it about you and be honest with all involved, including your kids.
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Old 27th October 2009, 12:51 AM   #5
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You say that you would not be opposed to your husband doing the same thing, so why not offer that to your husband first and see how that works for you, tell him "Honey, I think you should go and find a new woman to screw.. I will be here waiting for you when you are done, and it will all be okay."

While he is out make sure you don't get upset.

Make sure you don't wonder if he will start to have an EMOTIONAL attachment to his new partner. (which is what you have already admitted to having with your tennis pro)

Make sure you don't wonder if he will fall in love and decide that someone who doesn't want to "share" their spouse is a better fit for him.

Make sure not to worry that the fact that he, too, is a parent to two Autistic children and the stress involved in that may make him want "freedom" as well, or that perhaps he has sacrificed a part of himself to do what is right for his family and life with another woman and "part time parenting" may start to become attractive to him rather than the full responsibilty he lives up to now.

Make sure you don't wonder about if he will bring you home a disease. Or have another child with someone younger. Or any of the other possible things that could happen as a result of this.

Be careful what you ask for... you just may get it.
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Old 27th October 2009, 1:00 AM   #6
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OP, you are trying to rationalize away your guilt, and it won't work. You are a cheater!! If you really have such a good marriage, and if you REALLY loved your husband, you could NEVER disrespect him in this manner. You are already in an Emotional Affair with the OM and are already cheating on your husband. We at LS see this kind of thing, many times. If you have the guts, and if you have any shred of honesty, you will tell your husband that you want to f**k another man, and then get back to us with his answer. Saying that you would let him do the same thing is just another cop-out.
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Old 27th October 2009, 1:10 AM   #7
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You're not asking for an open marriage, you're asking for permission to cheat. Big difference between the two, both in scope and execution.

If it's honesty you're after (and that's one of the hallmarks of an open marriage), then why not tell your H what's transpired to this point? I'd suspect that would be a start toward's freeing yourself - and not just on Saturdays - to play doubles with the pro...

Mr. Lucky

BTW - I play a lot of tennis myself and have several close friends that are teaching pros. And I don't know why developing women's athletic skills is tied so closely to developing their libidos, but they get more women throwing themselves at them than most guy's could imagine. I'm seriously considering it for a second career!!!
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Old 27th October 2009, 1:14 AM   #8
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This is interesting.... some of the posters that are advising the OP to be honest with her H, haven't been honest with their own spouses. Pot calling the Kettle black.
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Old 27th October 2009, 3:19 AM   #9
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you are already having an affair(EA), if you want your marriage to work cut this guy out of your life. Otherwise 2 years from now you will be with out your bf and H.
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Old 27th October 2009, 4:47 AM   #10
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So despite all the pressures of the last 10 yrs, including your depression, your H remains 95% all you need - a supportive, great guy...and you want to ask for an open marriage so you can have sex with your casanova tennis coach. Just THINK before you throw away the best thing you ever had for this cliche.

I guarantee that if you bring this up with your H, you'll damage your M. If you go through with it, I think your H will leave, if not now, then eventually. And then I bet you all of a sudden you'll realize what an amazing catch your H is, how you can't believe you thought that sex with some random guy was more interesting, and that you would do anything to rewind time to stop yourself from making this really stupid decision.

Keep this as a fantasy - seriously...try to reconnect with your H unless you are willing to risk losing him over this.
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Old 27th October 2009, 10:08 AM   #11
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im one of those pot calling the kettle blackers. im sorry, but shes not asking for an open marriage. she doesnt want them to pursue new experiences together. she wants ONE man. one that shes already involved with. she wants to have an affair but wants permission first and is justifying it by saying he can do it as well. sure in any A there would seemingly be less guilt if you thought your spouse was doing it as well.
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Old 27th October 2009, 10:24 AM   #12
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This is going to end in disaster. Either you stay married and faithful to your husband, or you divorce. Mybrown is RIGHT. This isn't a case of having an open marriage' it's a case of "I want to mess around with OM". And yes, she's waiting for her H's permission.

Before you met this OM, thoughts of having an open marriage never entered your mind, yes?

Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself is this really what you want because once that door opens (IF your H agrees to this) everything can and will change, probably not for the better.
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Old 27th October 2009, 10:27 AM   #13
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i dont think you really want this man.

you've developed an infatuation with him because he happened to be around while you were finding yourself again.
you're attaching him to the way you're feeling now, enjoying yourself doing something you used to do years ago. But you would still be enjoying yourself regardless of if he was there or not.

you're going through some changes right now, and its all too easy to attach people to those changes and give them more importance in your situation.

You've stated that your husband gives you 95%, and this man only 5%, so why would you risk 95% for the sake of 5%?

I would also mention the term 'mid life crisis'.
believe me, i dont mean that in a nasty way, i just think you should realise that there are alot of factors here that are contributing to the importance you are putting onto this man.

I'm sure that after years of marriage, someone new and exciting is going to seem an attractive prospect, but it seems like you're putting this man on a pedestal.
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Old 27th October 2009, 10:33 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fallen Angel View Post
You say that you would not be opposed to your husband doing the same thing, so why not offer that to your husband first and see how that works for you, tell him "Honey, I think you should go and find a new woman to screw.. I will be here waiting for you when you are done, and it will all be okay."

While he is out make sure you don't get upset.

Make sure you don't wonder if he will start to have an EMOTIONAL attachment to his new partner. (which is what you have already admitted to having with your tennis pro)

Make sure you don't wonder if he will fall in love and decide that someone who doesn't want to "share" their spouse is a better fit for him.

Make sure not to worry that the fact that he, too, is a parent to two Autistic children and the stress involved in that may make him want "freedom" as well, or that perhaps he has sacrificed a part of himself to do what is right for his family and life with another woman and "part time parenting" may start to become attractive to him rather than the full responsibilty he lives up to now.

Make sure you don't wonder about if he will bring you home a disease. Or have another child with someone younger. Or any of the other possible things that could happen as a result of this.

Be careful what you ask for... you just may get it.
This is gold.

GotItBad, you want an open marriage for your benefit, not the benefit of your marriage. I'm not sure if you've full consideration to the other side of the coin, and I suggest you spend some time seriously thinking through the scenarios presented by FallenAngel.
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Old 27th October 2009, 11:23 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by mybrowneyedgirl View Post
but shes not asking for an open marriage. she doesnt want them to pursue new experiences together. .
Open Marriages are not always a "Group / Together" thing.

There are several levels of "OPENNESS" in the Open Marriage definition.

Have you thought about mentioning to your husband that you'd like to try something new sexually - Get his take on the whole Open Marriage concept. You'd be surprised what a lot of people think about this particular issue / lifestyle.

Just ask your husband what his take is on Open Marriages. Period! IMO: Holding On has the BEST advice yet.

You are obviously getting the typical LS Knee Jerk opinions here.....Divorce Your Husband!!!! You're Already In An Affair!!!! You're Just Justifying Your Guilt!!! I don't buy it - but then I've never bought into the Knee Jerk on affairs theory that most have here.
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