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He talks to others as if we are a couple


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This is just odd and unsettling. It doesnt change anything - A is long over and he is married but here we go.

 

I havent spoken to him at all in some time. An old colleague of his was in town and xMM is not around. The old colleague came to see me about business.

 

during our meeting old colleague said oh yes xMM said he wouldnt be here but you would so I should come see you - you really are joined at the hip. And I said isnt that nice actually I rarely bump into him.

 

The x colleague looks me in the eye and says "it doesnt matter how long its been since you saw each other, he holds you in his heart."

 

I almost choked, said well he is very talented its nice he holds me in suh high esteem and changed the subject.

 

After all this time, i was still very unsettled by it all. xMM talked to this guy just last week.

 

I know it doesnt matter but i keep thinking, what in the world could xmm have said to this guy, to make him say that to me. The guy who came to my office is very formal and proper. We dont have personal discussions.

 

Its all business and we are done great to see you, see you next time.

 

Very weird. And so annoying that I even wonder about it.

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Hugs, JJ.

It's certainly not a business/professional thing to say. At least, it doesn't strike me that way.

The x colleague looks me in the eye and says "it doesnt matter how long its been since you saw each other, he holds you in his heart."

Sounds as if xMM confided in this colleague. Colleague may just have been fishing for personal entertainment, or trying to comfort/console (would just be his own perception that it was needed), or been on a mission to 'report back' your reaction.

 

For what it's worth, I think you handled it magnificently :). So. "Nothing else to do here; move along." (I know...it should be so easy, right?)

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I'm actually impressed. A cooperative male mind-f*ck. Usually, that nether region is reserved for women ;)

 

See it as harem maintenance and pay it no mind :)

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mybrowneyedgirl

i would see this as a good thing. its over and so you dont need to have the worries that hes coming back to you. and im sure both of you were hurt by the A and however it ended (not sure on your story).

 

but later after all the drama has settled he still has a small place for you in his heart. and i think thats ok for two people who once cared for each other. as hurt as i am and as damaged as hes made me, i would years from now like to look back on this with some sort of feelings other than pain. and maybe thats what hes doing.

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Thanks. I think you are all right in each of your comments.

 

Its very unsettling especially because he is so off with me. If he were warm and kind and acted like he held me in his heart that would be one thing. But he does not.

 

So to hear it from someone else is deeply unsettling. I think he obviously did confide in this guy. Which is suprising as the guy lives thousands of miles away. Maybe xMM thought that made it safe.

 

Just when I thought i was getting some real distance in my own mind this mind f*ck reels me right back in to a certain degree.

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I think that he was fishing - For the exMM to see your reaction. Maybe he thought (exMM) getting his friend to tell you that, you would try to contact him, start the A again.

 

Anyway, DON'T react to it and try your best not over think this.. You've worked hard to heal, keep going down that path.

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Thanks WWIU. No he doesnt want to restart the affair. He doesnt even acknowledge that he ever knew me. He treats me like a stranger with whom he does business. At least that is how he acts with me lately.

 

Its odd. I suppose its hard for him too. I dont know. I just wish I didnt have to hear about him from others. I wish sometimes he would just disappear. Nothing worse than being so formal and cold with someone you were once so close to.

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I think that maybe the colleague thinks that since jj33 had an affair with her old AP, then maybe she is game again with him as well. By making his colleague look bad and indiscreet, then he makes himself look good. Far fetched, but just a thought.

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I'm actually impressed. A cooperative male mind-f*ck. Usually, that nether region is reserved for women ;)

 

See it as harem maintenance and pay it no mind :)

 

You made me chuckle with this. I agree though. It usually IS the MO of women, well more like high school girls. And it worked magnificently! LOL.

 

I also agree with ignoring it. Obviously, they are up to something and if you ignore it it will frustrate their plans.

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I'm actually impressed. A cooperative male mind-f*ck. Usually, that nether region is reserved for women ;)

 

See it as harem maintenance and pay it no mind :)

 

That is odd behavior for men.

 

I think that he was fishing - For the exMM to see your reaction. Maybe he thought (exMM) getting his friend to tell you that, you would try to contact him, start the A again.

 

Anyway, DON'T react to it and try your best not over think this.. You've worked hard to heal, keep going down that path.

 

It could be this -- which again -- would be odd behavior for adult men.

 

I think that maybe the colleague thinks that since jj33 had an affair with her old AP, then maybe she is game again with him as well. By making his colleague look bad and indiscreet, then he makes himself look good. Far fetched, but just a thought.

 

This I think could very well be true. Normal behavior for men. :D Not all men, of course.

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A read of the OP's backstory reveals this A has been 'over' for years and the remnants just don't seem to go away. Again, odd behavior for a male. Most MM's move on to more productive targets.

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this mind f*ck reels me right back in to a certain degree.

Nah, don't let it/him/them do that to you -- your mind can only get f*cked with your permission.

Permission DENIED!!!...yes? ;)

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This I think could very well be true. Normal behavior for men. :D Not all men, of course.

 

The behavior, for lack of a better term, is called c*** blocking....an underhanded method used by men for thousands of years to "steal" away women from their buddies...very effective.

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The idea that the ex colleague did it for himself or c blocking as you gentleman have referred to it is interesting but decidedly not the case.

 

The x colleague now lives thousands of miles and many time zones away and its simply far fetched. Hes not that type of person and even if he were I am not his type for reasons that I wont bore you with.

 

We have a very formal proper businesd relationship. He is a very formal proper person. The fact that he even let that slip was shocking as it was so out of character for him. And he said it with kindness, not in a lechy way.

 

As Carhill said for whatever reason the remnants refuse to die.

 

What we had when we were together was so good and so strong that some remnants have survived time and all sorts of ugly situations (I only post when he annoys me; I dont reveal my own transgressions).

 

Its quite painful knowing that the feelings are meaningless. There is nowhere for them to go.

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A read of the OP's backstory reveals this A has been 'over' for years and the remnants just don't seem to go away. Again, odd behavior for a male. Most MM's move on to more productive targets.

 

Thats the thing. I wasnt just a target. I was the love of his life. The timing was just bad. He was already married. He still strugglea with it.

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The affair ended, he is working on his marriage. Any in-person contact with you would have to be professional only.

 

If there is strong emotion, the only way to keep it under control is to completely clamp down and let nothing out, for fear of starting up again.

 

If he really loves you, and is not planning to leave his marriage, then cold-shouldering you is actually the kindest thing he can do. To let you go.

 

But if he really loves you and admires your work, when he is talking to colleagues I'm sure that it shows through in the the words and in the tone of his comments.

 

My guess...this colleague was fishing to figure out whether the vibe he got indicated a current affair or something else. Fodder for office gossip.

 

Look. I'm struggling feelings for an old boyfriend who's married. He contacted me, and I'm pretty sure that he'd jump at the chance to get back together...but he's married.

 

We still love each other. But he is married.

 

He is married.

 

That is what you need to keep saying to yourself, not "I was the love of his life". Because being married is a CHOICE, and right now he is choosing to honor his vows. Let him.

 

Free yourself of the memories of his love as best you can; distract yourself with someone else.

 

Just remember.

 

HE IS MARRIED.

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JJ33

 

Does it matter. Don't let this sink in. It is probably obvious that he has a special place for you in his heart...but it doesn't change anything. It is odd he would say anything too revealing, but it is known to happen...I don't disagree that he was trying to let this colleague know that you were "his" if the colleague mentioned interest.

 

I know that if anyone asked me about my xAP it would be obvious that she meant a lot to me...I suspect that in the future it will still be obvious. Doesn't change anything...just is.

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Devil thanks I quite agree with you. It changes nothing. I just hadnt realized that we give the past away now so long after it is over when we didnt before. But it makes sense.

 

No the other guy would NEVER in a million years express interest in me. It just wouldnt ever happen. Im not someone who gives off a vibe that I am open and this guy lives on the other side of the world so that was not what it was about. I think he probably just picked up the vibe from the way we talk about each other.

 

And Myrtle yes I know he is married and I would never go back to the affair and i do leave him alone. Its important to me that I was the love of his life its the only thing that makes having to be in touch with him tolerable. It makes having been involved with him less ridiculous from my standpoint. And for any BS reading this his wife knew and didnt care so the idea that I was harming someone else is not an issue (God I Hate having to put that disclaimer in all the time).

 

As for him honoring his vows, he has done so in the breach for many years, but that is their issue not mine.

 

That does make sense though Myrtle, he tries to shut out his feelings so sometimes he is colder to me than others but hes not working on his marriage although our contact is superficially only professoinal the things that have gone on until I smacked him back again recently have proven to me that he is not working on his marriage. The only reason we arent back together is because I made it clear that I wouldnt go back.

 

Its all a mess. I was trying to use this time of no contact to get more distance emotionally. This has set me back a little bit because my thoughts have drifted back to the dynamic etc but its not a big deal I will just put it aside because in the end it is meaningless.

 

I guess I just have to live with the fact that people can work out that there was something more between us and may think there still is.

Edited by jj33
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This is just odd and unsettling. It doesnt change anything - A is long over and he is married but here we go.

 

I havent spoken to him at all in some time. An old colleague of his was in town and xMM is not around. The old colleague came to see me about business.

 

during our meeting old colleague said oh yes xMM said he wouldnt be here but you would so I should come see you - you really are joined at the hip. And I said isnt that nice actually I rarely bump into him.

 

The x colleague looks me in the eye and says "it doesnt matter how long its been since you saw each other, he holds you in his heart."

 

I almost choked, said well he is very talented its nice he holds me in suh high esteem and changed the subject.

 

After all this time, i was still very unsettled by it all. xMM talked to this guy just last week.

 

I know it doesnt matter but i keep thinking, what in the world could xmm have said to this guy, to make him say that to me. The guy who came to my office is very formal and proper. We dont have personal discussions.

 

Its all business and we are done great to see you, see you next time.

 

Very weird. And so annoying that I even wonder about it.

It could be that the colleague just has a romantic personality and read something into what exMM said OR exMM confided in him. If so, perhaps exMM's actions don't match is sentiments because of pride? Maybe your opinion of his feelings makes him feel more vulnerable than anyone else?

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Thanks Whiteflower. You are right. He has so much pride he would never give his feelings away at this point.

 

He is the master of never let em see you sweat.

 

And honestly what good would it do... he and I see that the same way really though I am not as strong as he is in keeping it. So what if he told me how he felt? I say I dont understand why he doesnt but if he did, absent divorce papers in his hands, it would change nothing.

 

And he knows that. He knows that unless he has divorce papers in hand there is nothing to say about the past.

 

And it does make sense that he might have confided in this guy if he was going to confide in anyone. He has known him forever, the other guy lives far far away now and I rarely have any reason to be in contact with the other guy and only see him in person once or twice a year, if that. So he would be a safe person to confide in or if he didnt say anything directly they know each other well enough that the other guy would have known by the way xMM talks about me that there was something there.

 

Its unsettling to realize that people know. But it was what it was. When I meet someone new and people know I am properly with someone else, all of this will fade away in their minds. I would be such an unlikely match for xMM in most peoples eyes that once my life moves forward they wont give it a second thought.

Edited by jj33
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Its unsettling to realize that people know.

 

JJ, the thing is, people DO notice this kind of stuff, especially in an office environment. At my previous job, TONS of people were having an affairs, and not too many hid it. And, those who did think noone knew, were fooling themselves.

 

Anyway, try not to let this get the best of you. What YOU think and feel is what matters..Remember that.

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Thanks Whiteflower. You are right. He has so much pride he would never give his feelings away at this point.

 

He is the master of never let em see you sweat.

 

And honestly what good would it do... he and I see that the same way really though I am not as strong as he is in keeping it. So what if he told me how he felt? I say I dont understand why he doesnt but if he did, absent divorce papers in his hands, it would change nothing.

 

And he knows that. He knows that unless he has divorce papers in hand there is nothing to say about the past.

 

And it does make sense that he might have confided in this guy if he was going to confide in anyone. He has known him forever, the other guy lives far far away now and I rarely have any reason to be in contact with the other guy and only see him in person once or twice a year, if that. So he would be a safe person to confide in or if he didnt say anything directly they know each other well enough that the other guy would have known by the way xMM talks about me that there was something there.

 

Its unsettling to realize that people know. But it was what it was. When I meet someone new and people know I am properly with someone else, all of this will fade away in their minds. I would be such an unlikely match for xMM in most peoples eyes that once my life moves forward they wont give it a second thought.[/QUOTE]

 

Are you dating? Hasn't your affair been over for a year or more? Have you begun the process of entering the dating world to see if there is anyone who can peak your interest?

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Thanks Whiteflower. You are right. He has so much pride he would never give his feelings away at this point.

 

He is the master of never let em see you sweat.

 

And honestly what good would it do... he and I see that the same way really though I am not as strong as he is in keeping it. So what if he told me how he felt? I say I dont understand why he doesnt but if he did, absent divorce papers in his hands, it would change nothing.

 

And he knows that. He knows that unless he has divorce papers in hand there is nothing to say about the past.

 

And it does make sense that he might have confided in this guy if he was going to confide in anyone. He has known him forever, the other guy lives far far away now and I rarely have any reason to be in contact with the other guy and only see him in person once or twice a year, if that. So he would be a safe person to confide in or if he didnt say anything directly they know each other well enough that the other guy would have known by the way xMM talks about me that there was something there.

 

Its unsettling to realize that people know. But it was what it was. When I meet someone new and people know I am properly with someone else, all of this will fade away in their minds. I would be such an unlikely match for xMM in most peoples eyes that once my life moves forward they wont give it a second thought.[/QUOTE]

 

Are you dating? Hasn't your affair been over for a year or more? Have you begun the process of entering the dating world to see if there is anyone who can peak your interest?

 

Yes it has been over for a very long time and Im not sure what you mean by entering the dating world. I am out in the world all over the world all the time. I have been interested in people who havent been interested in me and vice versa. But no I havent had another relationship.

 

The fact that I havent met anyone else has nothing to do with xMM. I just havent. But I have never been the sort of person who jumped from one person to the next or dated all the time. I tend to meet someone who I like and date them for a long time and sometimes there are long periods of time in between until I meet the next one. This is either one of those in between times or my best years are behind me. Time will tell which it is.

 

I have accepted the fact that I may never meet someone else but that has nothing to do with xMM and is just one of those things. Either I will meet someone new or I wont.

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Its unsettling to realize that people know. But it was what it was. When I meet someone new and people know I am properly with someone else, all of this will fade away in their minds. I would be such an unlikely match for xMM in most peoples eyes that once my life moves forward they wont give it a second thought.

 

 

I think people can pick up when there is energy between two people...but it doesn't mean they necessarily know anything. I'm sure they gossip...but does not mean they know.

 

As for his friend, I agree with someone saying he just may pick things up. I usually have a good feel for this kind of thing myself.

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