well, he did it...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

let me update. last night i think H & I really made some progress. it by no means was a good night. we had a long discussion about what ive done, lots of hurt, feelings, sorrow. but we needed that. we needed to address it to move past it. we ended the talk with hope and optimism. that we had faced some big issues and were going to try to work through them. and i felt great. i woke up today feeling renewed and excited to focus my attention on him. havent felt that way in a really long time.

 

and then...i got an email....from HIM. i called my H immediately and read it to him and then called a close friend and emailed it to her. it was obviously a rehearsed email, clear that she was there while he was writing it. the gist of it was that we were over and they were attempting to reconcile. for a brief moment my world came crashing down. its just hard to actually hear those words, and the way that he did it. just ridiculous.

 

so i cried, got angry and pulled myself together. this was just what i needed to hear. i got it. that closure i was looking for. im a bit irritated because this all brought back up negative thoughts for H & I...on the very day that we had agreed to start over!

 

part of me feels like H & I dont feel the need to broadcast our personal lives to them. and who are they trying to convince that theyre reconciling? us or them? whats the flipping point in this?

 

so yes, im a bit confused at some of it but in the end I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. sort of like "see ya, bye." wish he would have done this two weeks ago.

 

and no, im not completely over the hurt, afterall i did care for him for a long time. but this just makes it so much easier to move on.

 

thanks for listening...

[Fallen Angel]

Beg,

 

(((hugs)))

[Samantha0905]

I'm sorry. Maybe you can look at this as a further step forward for you and your husband. As for why they did it, I suppose it's like a NC letter. They say sometimes the BS feels better if he/she gets their spouse to send the email/letter or whatever. I would try not to be concerned with why they are doing what they do. Take care.

[NowhereToHide]

let me update. last night i think H & I really made some progress. it by no means was a good night. we had a long discussion about what ive done, lots of hurt, feelings, sorrow. but we needed that. we needed to address it to move past it. we ended the talk with hope and optimism. that we had faced some big issues and were going to try to work through them. and i felt great. i woke up today feeling renewed and excited to focus my attention on him. havent felt that way in a really long time.

 

and then...i got an email....from HIM. i called my H immediately and read it to him and then called a close friend and emailed it to her. it was obviously a rehearsed email, clear that she was there while he was writing it. the gist of it was that we were over and they were attempting to reconcile. for a brief moment my world came crashing down. its just hard to actually hear those words, and the way that he did it. just ridiculous.

 

so i cried, got angry and pulled myself together. this was just what i needed to hear. i got it. that closure i was looking for. im a bit irritated because this all brought back up negative thoughts for H & I...on the very day that we had agreed to start over!

 

part of me feels like H & I dont feel the need to broadcast our personal lives to them. and who are they trying to convince that theyre reconciling? us or them? whats the flipping point in this?

 

so yes, im a bit confused at some of it but in the end I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. sort of like "see ya, bye." wish he would have done this two weeks ago.

 

and no, im not completely over the hurt, afterall i did care for him for a long time. but this just makes it so much easier to move on.

 

thanks for listening...

 

Man! It's almost like the SENSE when we're making progress, don't you think?

 

I am so proud of you BEG... great job handling it. See, it WAS good to be prepared as to what you would do if and when he contacted you. You did good.

 

You have a long road ahead of you with your H, but now there is nothing standing in your way. Continue to do the grieving you need to do, but knowing that your H is there and willing to open up to you should help that process.

 

I'm happy for you!

[Jaspe_Loco]

It's a blessing. It's further motivation to put aside a conflicting time in your life and move forward with your husband. It's OK to feel pain and confusion... don't feel guilty about it. It will only get easier.

 

I wish you the best!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Thanks!

ok so dexter here you go. heres the glory. (little joke) but dexters advice to immediately tell H was the best way to go. it did upset him and did bring down the mood of the day but i think it was best. we sort of attacked it as a team. glad i was prepared even though i didnt expect this so soon.

 

and please other posters dont view this as me "obsessing" over the other man but im a big over-analyzer. and so cant stop but reading into things. it ticks me off that this is what i had been asking him to say the entire time but he kept dragging me along. two weeks ago i cried and begged him to tell me to move on. he didnt want me to. so ive spent the last two weeks a flipping mess. its only now i can feel like i can breathe a little. i needed to hear it.

[bentnotbroken]

The letter was a NC letter and it was written to try to start the healing in his marriage. You seem almost a little pissed that they would unite("it was clear she was there will he was writing it"). That's what he was supposed to do if he was interested in reconciling.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks!

ok so dexter here you go. heres the glory. (little joke) but dexters advice to immediately tell H was the best way to go. it did upset him and did bring down the mood of the day but i think it was best. we sort of attacked it as a team. glad i was prepared even though i didnt expect this so soon.

 

and please other posters dont view this as me "obsessing" over the other man but im a big over-analyzer. and so cant stop but reading into things. it ticks me off that this is what i had been asking him to say the entire time but he kept dragging me along. two weeks ago i cried and begged him to tell me to move on. he didnt want me to. so ive spent the last two weeks a flipping mess. its only now i can feel like i can breathe a little. i needed to hear it.

 

 

Why did you need someone else to tell you to do what's right? Glad your H is willing to work on the marital issues.

[jwi71]

Congrats BEG...

 

Being open and honest, even though it may hurt, is the best in the long term.

 

I must also congratulate you on taking the very scary and courageous step in disclosing the email to your H.

 

Keep it up...and you may survive this and have a stronger M

 

JW

[tami-chan]

Why did you need someone else to tell you to do what's right? Glad your H is willing to work on the marital issues.

 

Are you fishing for acknowledgment, BNB ? APs need people like you and Dexter,et al to show us what is right because you are the moral police and we are evil people ....we are in a fog and the road to the right path is also marred with this damn fog!!!!

 

MBEG!!! yes CLOSURE....now the healing begins....*HUGS*...it can be done!!!!

[NowhereToHide]

She did everything right... can't we just congratulate her on this success in this crappy world of pain? Jesus. God forbid an OW still has a smidgeon of feelings for her xAP while working on her marriage! And God forbid she has feelings of anger/bitterness/jealousy...

 

She did the right thing. She is moving forward. Stop beating her down.

[boldjack]

MBEG, I COULD JUST HUG YOU RIGHT NOW!! This is one of the best posts that I've seen on the OW/OM forum in quite a while. And lest we forget, your husband deserves a great big pat-on-the-back as well. You handled the letter, exactly right. Your husband and you now have overcome an enormous hurdle. There will be other hurdles ahead, but now you both know how to face them..........together......The very best of luck to both of you!!!:D:D

[bentnotbroken]

Are you fishing for acknowledgment, BNB ? APs need people like you and Dexter,et al to show us what is right because you are the moral police and we are evil people ....we are in a fog and the road to the right path is also marred with this damn fog!!!!

 

MBEG!!! yes CLOSURE....now the healing begins....*HUGS*...it can be done!!!!

 

 

I don't know what you are talking about, but if you are good with it...okay.

[Samantha0905]

She did everything right... can't we just congratulate her on this success in this crappy world of pain? Jesus. God forbid an OW still has a smidgeon of feelings for her xAP while working on her marriage! And God forbid she has feelings of anger/bitterness/jealousy...

 

She did the right thing. She is moving forward. Stop beating her down.

 

 

Thank you!!

[bentnotbroken]

She did everything right... can't we just congratulate her on this success in this crappy world of pain? Jesus. God forbid an OW still has a smidgeon of feelings for her xAP while working on her marriage! And God forbid she has feelings of anger/bitterness/jealousy...

 

She did the right thing. She is moving forward. Stop beating her down.

 

 

If feel the need to beat her or anyone else down....you will be the first to know. But since I asked the questions that were on my mind and made the statement I wanted to make...all is well with my conscious.

[tami-chan]

If feel the need to beat her or anyone else down....you will be the first to know. But since I asked the questions that were on my mind and made the statement I wanted to make...all is well with my conscious.

 

BNB...it's about re-thinking your thoughts...pause , re-think...you must have learned that in your "how to be nice and not be an abusive person anymore" therapy, no? Your statements are very discouraging to someone who actually did the right thing....baby steps, yes...still steps towards what is right.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Bent - i get it. and i can take it.

 

the reason i talked about them "uniting" or whatever was because on d-day when she found out she forced him to call me and tell me he couldnt talk to me anymore. and so in this situation theres the same sort of underlying feeling there. im frustrated because although i believe he meant what he said his words sounded rehearsed. thats not like him. i would have like to have heard his way of saying the same thing.

 

put youre also right. i am a little "pissed" that they feel the need to "use" us in their healing. just like i touched on before. i dont cast the pain in my marriage on to them....they shouldnt cast it on to us. the gratification she gets from coaching him into saying things that she perceives might hurt me would be much greater if she'd let him say them himself honestly and openly. then they would truly be his thoughts, not hers. (and a little disclaimer here...i realize these are his thoughts...just not said the way he would think them)

[MizzBlue72]

BEG - congrats!! Big hugs for you. Stay strong.

[boldjack]

MBEG, the healing/reconnection process is different for each couple. You and your H are working on your own issues, as a team. I believe that this is the only sure way to acheive your goals. The MM and his wife are using you as a scapegoat. Their way is far less effective, because it doesn't address their issues, they will just blame everything on you. BTW even if the MM was/is being "coached", by his wife, he still agreed to it, so IMO he has to own it.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

yep. youre right. she may have coached him, but in the end he did it. i see that 100%.

[JAGeezer]

the gratification she gets from coaching him into saying things that she perceives might hurt me would be much greater if she'd let him say them himself honestly and openly. then they would truly be his thoughts, not hers. (and a little disclaimer here...i realize these are his thoughts...just not said the way he would think them)

 

I confess to being a little puzzled. You slept with her husband, had a long term affair with him, intruded into her marriage and basically tore it to shreds. And you're angry about how she's handling it through him? You actually think you have a right to that? She and your H are the victims in this, not the OM, and certainly not you. If she hasn't reached out to your family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers yet, consider yourself lucky. It's still early in the game. Any pain this process may be causing your H is entirely on you, not her. It takes two people saying yes to start an affair, and only one saying no to stop it before it starts. Who are you more angry at? Him for saying yes? Or yourself for not saying no?

 

Feel the anger and hurt all you want. You can't help how you feel. No one can. What matters is whether we act on those feelings. You need to realize that the OM is not yours. He never was, and he was never going to be. You and he created this mess together, with no input from his W or your H. You each have to own your share of it. Sending you that email with his wife standing over him was part of his share. You having to read it to your husband, and seeing the pain back on his face because of it, is part of your share. Own it.

 

Be as angry as you like, The only person you really have any business being angry at right now is yourself. Because if you're truly serious about rebuilding your marriage, the OM was effectively dead to you on D-Day.

 

JAG

[moaningmyrtle]

yep. youre right. she may have coached him, but in the end he did it. i see that 100%.

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]On d-day I gave my H the "ultimatum" that so many OW seem afraid to give - "it's her or me". His OW could have given, but chose not to give, him that same ultimatum. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Bear in mind this was an absolutely horrific shock to me and I fully expected that he had already chosen her. Even in my shell-shocked state I knew that the relationship with her could not continue if he was to stay with me. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]My H told me [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2](begged and pleaded really) he wanted to stay with me and would end it with her . [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]He suggested he needed to e-mail the OW to tell her as she had no idea I found out. I didn't get any real chance to think this through, but felt it was imperative that he end it with her rather than simply leave her in the dark with the possibility that she might keep asking him for an explanation. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]He drafted an e-mail - stilted I thought, and ran it past me. I suggested a couple of minor changes. I didn't coach him in this but I could see that it was couched in terms somewhat unlike him. [/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Afterwards she did contact him with the excuse that it sounded very unlike him and to check it did actually come from him. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]A week or so later he mentioned to me something about the e-mails "we" had sent the OW. I felt that there was something in him that didn't really want to "own" the e-mail and that possibly when she contacted him he had told her they were my words. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]NC did not happen overnight between him and the OW but nevertheless it did happen eventually. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I'm sorry if you see this as gloating in some way - as I said on another thread I have nothing to gloat over. [/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I do believe that if MM having affairs are given ultimatums by either their OW or their wives that most of them will do something about it and make a choice. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Those that don't especially those that pretend to their wives that they've chosen them, while all the time continuing with the OW are in my view particularly reprehensible. It also represents a big fear for me as a BW because it just compounds the betrayal and deceit. Anyone who points out to me that maybe I'm not completely certain of my H are correct - I'm not.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Myrtle[/FONT]

[jennie-jennie]

On d-day I gave my H the "ultimatum" that so many OW seem afraid to give - "it's her or me". His OW could have given, but chose not to give, him that same ultimatum.

 

Bear in mind this was an absolutely horrific shock to me and I fully expected that he had already chosen her. Even in my shell-shocked state I knew that the relationship with her could not continue if he was to stay with me.

 

My H told me (begged and pleaded really) he wanted to stay with me and would end it with her. He suggested he needed to e-mail the OW to tell her as she had no idea I found out. I didn't get any real chance to think this through, but felt it was imperative that he end it with her rather than simply leave her in the dark with the possibility that she might keep asking him for an explanation.

 

He drafted an e-mail - stilted I thought, and ran it past me. I suggested a couple of minor changes. I didn't coach him in this but I could see that it was couched in terms somewhat unlike him.

 

Afterwards she did contact him with the excuse that it sounded very unlike him and to check it did actually come from him.

 

A week or so later he mentioned to me something about the e-mails "we" had sent the OW. I felt that there was something in him that didn't really want to "own" the e-mail and that possibly when she contacted him he had told her they were my words.

 

NC did not happen overnight between him and the OW but nevertheless it did happen eventually.

 

I'm sorry if you see this as gloating in some way - as I said on another thread I have nothing to gloat over.

 

I do believe that if MM having affairs are given ultimatums by either their OW or their wives that most of them will do something about it and make a choice.

 

Those that don't especially those that pretend to their wives that they've chosen them, while all the time continuing with the OW are in my view particularly reprehensible. It also represents a big fear for me as a BW because it just compounds the betrayal and deceit. Anyone who points out to me that maybe I'm not completely certain of my H are correct - I'm not.

 

Myrtle

 

Important post, Myrtle. Come Dday, a MM will do anything to keep his marriage, including sending a breakup email. The interesting part is whether what he expressed in that email holds true in the long run.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent - i get it. and i can take it.

 

the reason i talked about them "uniting" or whatever was because on d-day when she found out she forced him to call me and tell me he couldnt talk to me anymore. and so in this situation theres the same sort of underlying feeling there. im frustrated because although i believe he meant what he said his words sounded rehearsed. thats not like him. i would have like to have heard his way of saying the same thing.

 

put youre also right. i am a little "pissed" that they feel the need to "use" us in their healing. just like i touched on before. i dont cast the pain in my marriage on to them....they shouldnt cast it on to us. the gratification she gets from coaching him into saying things that she perceives might hurt me would be much greater if she'd let him say them himself honestly and openly. then they would truly be his thoughts, not hers. (and a little disclaimer here...i realize these are his thoughts...just not said the way he would think them)

 

 

Thank you for explaining and seeing what I was saying. In some of the things I have read and my own counseling sessions, it was recommended that closure(which is what it was for them too)letters are the way to go as opposed to face 2 face. Remember they are looking 4 the same thing you and your H. It wouldn't hurt for you and he to write a NC too. I don't mean you have to send it, but putting it in writing gives you something tangible to view in your moments of weakness. And just a little disclaimer you may think you know a person, but we are never truly in their head;)

[bentnotbroken]

BNB...it's about re-thinking your thoughts...pause , re-think...you must have learned that in your "how to be nice and not be an abusive person anymore" therapy, no? Your statements are very discouraging to someone who actually did the right thing....baby steps, yes...still steps towards what is right.

 

 

I guess that would depend on your definition of abuse. Since I don't see what I said as abusive, belittling or angry in anyway, I don't need to rethink stating my thoughts. My nice and your nice are clearly never going to be the same. My words were no more discouraging than say.......someone who believes lying is okay as long as it suits a current need. Many people don't view infidelity as a abuse, I do. So there you have we agree to disagree.